


Dear Ex-Brother

by Winter_of_tomorrow



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Nonbinary Hanji, Punk!Levi, Punk/Gothic!Marco, homophobic Grisha, kind of adopted sibling relationship, mentions of erumike yumikuri and reibert, past eruri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-22
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-02-26 15:13:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 111,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2656685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winter_of_tomorrow/pseuds/Winter_of_tomorrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a strange feeling when you're not able to remember your childhood. Well, Eren does but not really. In his memory, there was someone who had been like a brother to him. And suddenly, he disappeared.<br/>Ten years later, Eren meets Levi for the first time. At least, that's what he thinks.<br/>Things might have changed within these 10 years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dear Brother - Prologue

„Eren, we’re home again! Please come down in the living room for a second!“ The 6-year old boy laid down the crayon he was holding as he heard his mom’s voice downstairs. His parents had said that they had a surprise for him when they got home. Hopefully, it was ice cream. Or cookies. Or a new toy.

But when he entered the bright room, the surprise wasn’t any of this. On the sofa sat another boy with raven-black hair that went down to his shoulders, and nearly ivory skin, like a doll. He was way older than Eren and his face was frozen in a bored expression.

“Eren, this is Rivaille. He’s lost his parents and will live with us from now. Please be nice to him”, said his mom as she came back from the kitchen with cookies and two glasses of milk.

“Hello, Mister Rivaille” Eren hid shyly behind the doorframe.

“Now, come on, Eren. There’s no need to hide. You should talk to each other”, his mother spoke up and went to her son to lead him to the armchair. He sat down after ensured that the stranger wouldn’t bite him or something like that, taking one of the homemade cookies.

“So you are Eren, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” The black-haired boy’s voice was smooth and calm, unexpected for his still young age. Eren nodded.

“Are you my brother now, Mister Rivaille?”, he asked. “Yes, Eren, if you want to, I will be your brother because your parents adopted me. You don’t have to say ‘Mister’, by the way” - “What does ‘adopted’ mean?” – “It means that I’m a part of your family now.”

* * *

 

It only took a few weeks until the two boys became a dream team. Eren seemed to be happier than ever before, much to the pleasure of his parents, Grisha and Carla Jäger. They had worried that they wouldn’t accept each other – Rivaille was already 16 and was going to become 17 in four months – but since the doctors found out that Carla wouldn’t be able to have a second child they had thought about a possible adoption.

“Rivaille, can you read something for me?”

“I have to do homework, Bright Eyes”, the other boy explained.

“Pleaaaase!”, Eren begged and Rivaille made the mistake to look up from the papers on his desk to Eren. Nobody could ever say no to those huge Caribbean-blue puppy eyes.

“Tch, alright kid. What do you want me to read?” Eren flashed Rivaille one of his thousand-watt smiles and hold up ‘Momo’. It had become his favorite book since the older boy has shown it to him. He said down on the bed and Eren instantly crawled on his lap.

“Comfortable?” the brown-haired boy made an approving noise and Rivaille started to read until Eren fell asleep with his head against his chest and tiny fingers curled in his shirt. He finished his homework before he carried his brother in his room and tucked him in bed. “Good night, Bright Eyes”

* * *

 

“Rivaille, look! Mom and I went to look for a school bag while you’ve been away. Do you like it?” Rivaille hadn’t even taken off his shoes when his brother nearly shoved the new rucksack in his face. The background was teal with green and blue stripes on it. “Mom said that it has the same color as my eyes”, Eren explained loudly. Usually, Rivaille hated noisy little children but Eren was an exception. It was his way of showing emotions even more than the expression on his face could tell.

“That bag is really nice, Eren. But your eyes are more beautiful and I’m sure the bag doesn’t change its color like your eyes do”, Rivaille explained and ruffled the brown hair of the giggling boy. Then he went to the kitchen where he met Carla.

“Oh, hello Rivaille. You’ve seen Erens new school bag already? He’s very proud of it.” Rivaille nodded and the corner of his mouth twitched slightly upwards.

“You’ll come to Erens first day at school next week, won’t you? I could write a letter to your teacher to give you free on that day.”

“There’s no way I’m going to miss that. It would be very nice of you if you write the letter, Carla.”

“I told you, ‘mom’ is ok”, the woman said smiling.

* * *

 

“Rivaille, I’m sorry”, the young boy said with a hoarse voice between some snuffling. His nose and cheeks were bright red. Rivaille just sighed and changed the washcloth on Eren’s temple.

“I should –sniff – have listened to you when you told me not to leave the house without gloves.”

“But still you did. And building snowmen with Armin without thick clothes wasn’t clever either.” Eren snuffled again.

“Oi, brat, use a tissue! That’s disgusting.” Rivaille sighed again, gave Eren a new tissue and threw the used one to the huge pile next to Eren’s bed.

“I’m sorry, Rivaille!” He sat down on the bed next to Eren and began to stroke his brother’s hair.

“Shh, it’s not your fault. Everyone catches a cold from time to time, just listen to me while you’re sick so you will be fit again soon. But you had fun with Armin, right?” The smaller boy smiled weakly but you couldn’t miss the lighting up in his eyes. “Yeah, we built a whole snowman family!”

“Then don’t regret it.” Eren’s smile faltered. “But you’re worried about me. And mom and dad, too. And we couldn’t celebrate – sniff - your birthday and visit grandma and grandpa for Christmas because I’m sick”, he whined.

“It’s ok, Eren. We’ll celebrate my birthday and Christmas when you’re fit again, I promise”

“mhh…” heavy lids fell over teal eyes. “Hey, brother?”

“What is it, kid?”

“Happy birthday”

* * *

 

“Rivaille?”, Eren whispered when he had opened the door to the other boy’s room in the middle of the night. The glow of the laptop screen on the bed told him that his brother was still awake, like in every other night he came here. He didn’t dare to go to his parent’s bedroom because they would probably tell him that there are no monsters in his closet or under the bed and that he should go back to sleep. Or worse, bring him to that doctor again. But Rivaille never gave it away.

Said boy lifted the blanket wordlessly and waited until Eren was cuddling against his body.

“Another nightmare?”, he finally asked. The younger boy shivered and he wrapped his arms around the smaller body to pull him closer to him.

“Why are you always awake when I come to your room?”, Eren asked after a while, avoiding Rivaille’s question. He older boy didn’t even try to explain the symptoms of insomnia, so he just said: “You mustn’t tell anyone, ok? I’m actually a superhero and have to be awake all the time to fight all those bad guys.” Eren looked at him with wide eyes which were even more gorgeous in the dull light of the screen and then giggled. “You’re lying!”

“I’m not lying”, explained Rivaille with a smile.

“You are!” The brown-haired sill giggled as he pressed his face in Rivaille’s chest and was welcomed the comforting smell of laundry detergent, lemon and cleaning detergent and just Rivaille. “But I don’t care. Because to me, you’re a superhero”

* * *

 

“Rivaille, look! I drew us!” Eren shouted grinning and dropped a few slightly crumbled papers on Rivaille’s homework. Although he should finish this report soon, he took his time to look at the drawings: chaotic lines of green crayon as grass, a house with read roof in the background, a few people with way to many fingers and a smiling sun in the right top corner.

“Who are they?”, the black-haired asked, then saw the scrawly words above each figure. The person with long darkbrown hair and a skirt was ‘MOM’, the person with the beard next to her was ‘DAD’ and then a small boy with brown hair and green eyes was ‘EREN’.

“… And that’s you”, Eren explained and pointed on the last person who was ‘REWI’

“Uhh… Eren, that’s not how to write my name.”, Rivaille told his brother chuckling and took a pen to write his name in a notebook on his table. “You write it like this.”

“Ri-way-li?”, he tried to read, “that doesn’t sound like your name.”

“It’s French, brat. Just pronounce it like you usually do.” Rivaille rolled his eyes and then looked at the other pictures which all showed the Jäger-family and/or Eren’s friend Armin.

“How about hanging those up in your room?” Eren smiled brightly as he nodded, grabbing his brother’s sleeve and pulled him to his room. “Let’s do it!”

Rivaille’s homework was once again left forgotten on his desk.

* * *

 

“Rivaille, welcome home!” Eren hugged the black-haired boy.

“Hey, Eren, how was school?”, the teen asked, hugging back.

“We were at the forest today and our teacher showed us a lake and then we had a picnic in the middle of the forest. There’s a new guy in my class, I don’t like him.” The boy with the bright green eyes went on talking about his day while Rivaille put his stuff away, went in the kitchen and heated up the dinner Carla had prepared for the two boys. She had called Rivaille after school to tell him that she will meet some friends in the evening and won’t come home for dinner.

They sat down and began to eat. Eren was suddenly silent and seemed to be very concentrated on eating.

“Hey, Bright Eyes, are you ok?” Eren didn’t meet Rivaille’s eyes when he asked shyly and confused: “Why did you kiss that boy out there?”

Rivaille breathed in sharply. That’s not how he wanted Eren to find out, hell, this wasn’t even how he had planned his evening.

“Eren… Eren, look at me, please. You don’t have to fear anything.” The green eyes finally met gray ones and they looked like they were ready to tear up.

“I’m not mad, ok? I just hadn’t expected that… ah, fu… fudge. Eren, you mustn’t tell anyone about this, not even dad and mom. You have to promise me. Shit, Eren, don’t cry.” Rivaille stood up in a rush, nearly knocking his chair over and pulled his brother in a tight embrace. The young boy didn’t know what to think and just stood there confused until he realized that his brother wasn’t mad because he had seen him and the other boy.

“Promise me, Eren”, Rivaille whispered once again.

“I promise”, Eren whispered back although he didn’t know why he kept his voice down. They were alone in the house.

Rivaille pulled away slightly and looked in the green eyes. “I’ll explain you everything, ok? I think you’re old enough to understand. Let’s finish dinner and then we’ll eat some ice cream as dessert, how about that?”

Eren smiled and nodded, the nearly shed tears already forgotten.

They went to Eren’s room afterwards, Rivaille didn’t want to risk Carla coming home early and hearing any of their conversation. If they are having one. He didn’t know how to explain it to his brother properly. As long as parents are able to make their children believe that Santa Clause and the Easter bunny exist, this should be possible, too, Rivaille thought.

The younger boy sat once again comfortable on Rivaille’s lap, eating the huge scoop of ice cream in the bowl in one of his hands and watching his brother expectantly.

“Look Eren, there are men, like dad, who like women. And women, like mom, who likes men. But it’s not always like that”, Rivaille started.

“Like with you and that boy?”, Eren piped up.

“Yeah, like me and that boy. I don’t like women like dad does. I wouldn’t want to marry a woman.”

“But you would want to marry that boy?”, the younger boy asked innocently and Rivaille chuckled.

“Maybe. But not now, I’m way too young. Still, I care for him and like him really, really much”, the teen said and smiled at his brother. “I care for him in the same way likedad does care for mom, do you understand?” Eren nodded.

“Some people say it’s disgusting when a boy likes another boy or a girl likes another girl very much, that’s wh---”

“Girls can like other girls, too?”, Eren asked in disbelief.

“That happens, too, yes. But Eren, be never like these dumb people and judge them because they like a girl or – in my case – a boy. That’s very important, because you can make people very sad if you tell them that they like the wrong person.”

Eren nodded again, understanding, put his empty bowl on the nightstand and swung his arms around Rivaille’s waist, holding him tight. “I don’t mind if you like this boy. I want you to be happy like dad is happy with mom. But you won’t leave with him, will you?”

“No, Eren, I stay with you and mom and dad.”, Rivaille promised.

* * *

 

„Hey, Eren. How about getting some ice cream?“, Rivaille asked his brother who looked up from the book he was reading – or better: looking at the pictures. “Yes!”

Rivaille and Eren went to Carla who was cleaning the kitchen. “Mom, Rivaille and I want to go and get some ice cream. Can we?” His mom nodded.

“Sure, but be back at five, we'll have dinner with the Smiths.”

Eren pouted. “But you only speak about boring adult stuff, why do I have to be there?” She ignored her son's question and turned to Rivaille.

“Take care of Eren, will you? Ah, but you always do. Have fun!” Rivaille just dragged Eren out of the kitchen who was still rambling about how he don't want to have dinner with the Smiths. The Smiths were friends with the Jägers for a long time, mostly because Grisha and Mr Smith have been friends since they went to school and it was quite a habit for the two families to have dinner with each other once in a while. That evening, Carla had told them, their oldest son would attend. He was studying most of the time or wasn't in town because of studies abroad or internships. Actually, it would be the first time that Eren and the son of the Smiths meet.

When they were sitting in the bus to the small ice café in the middle of the town, Rivaille looked at Eren.

“I... actually want you to meet someone but you mustn't tell mom or dad.” Teal eyes looked back into gray eyes in confusion. “Just wait and see.”

They reached the small ice café and Rivaille went straight to a table in the corner of the room where someone else was sitting. Eren stopped walking when he recognized the other boy. He had been the boy from the evening who was kissing Rivaille.

Rivaille noticed Eren's discomfort and took his hand. “There's nothing to fear”, he ensured.

The blond young man stood up as they approached, pulling Rivaille in a tight hug and Eren noticed how huge he was: He could easily lay his head on his brothers. Rivaille hugged back, awkwardly because he did only use one hand. The other hand was still in Erens.

“Hey Rivaille”, he whispered comforting. Then he looked at Eren and Eren could study his face. He had ice-blue eyes, nearly the same color like his friend Armin had but more calculating, planning. The young boy had the feeling that the blonde did already know everything about him and knew everything he was going to do. It was a bit scary. And then there were his eyebrows…

  
“Hello, you must be Eren. Rivaille talks about you all the time. I’m Erwin”, the man introduced himself and held out a hand to Eren who took it and managed something like a handshake. It was the first time he had ever done something like this. Everyone else treated him like… well… the six-year-old boy he was so an introduction like this was very strange to Eren.

“Hello”, Eren mumbled, his eyes drifting away from Erwin to the large display of ice cream.

“Tch, he’s not a business partner, Erwin. You’re scaring him”, Rivaille commented, “We’ll be right back, Eren looks like he’s going to jump into the ice cream if he doesn’t get some soon.”

Still Erwin followed the two brothers to the display where Eren chose a gigantic ice cone with 5 scoops and Rivaille just ordered a black tea. When the black-haired wanted to pay, Erwin put his hand on Rivailles and paid himself.

“That wasn’t necessary, Eyebrows”, Rivaille pouted but Erwin just smirked at him. “Let me do something for you sometimes as well. And Eren had his birthday yesterday, so just see it as belated birthday gift from me.”

They sat down at the table again and began talking. Eren had expected that both boys would ignore him because Erwin and Rivaille were older than him and usually, he was just the small boy who doesn’t understand anything. However, much to his surprise, they were talking to him and they were listening to what Eren told them. He really started to trust Erwin. Well, his brother trusted the blonde boy already so maybe, there was nothing to fear.

* * *

Shortly after they had come back home – Eren had had to promise Rivaille not to tell anyone that he had met Erwin – and chilled on the couch, Carla asked them to change in their good clothes. Eren heard the doorbell while he was changing into his light blue button-up.

He went downstairs and found his parents and Mr. and Mrs. Smith in the hall. And their son.

“Hello, you must be Eren. I’m Erwin Smith.”

* * *

 

Eren woke up from another nightmare and shivered. It had become cold again although it was already june. It wasn’t summer at all: Rainy most of the time, cloudy and sometimes too cold to wear a t-shirt. It was raining outside again – or was it still raining?

The young boy was panting slightly and he felt sticky and sweaty, but ice cold at the same time. He remembered his dreams again, most of the time they were brutal and scary and sometimes the last dream was too horrible to even go to sleep again.

He wanted to go to his brother but remembered that he was out that night, partying with some friends and would probably stay away overnight. However, Eren decided to go to his room. He couldn’t go back to sleep after this particular bad nightmare and maybe it was enough to be surrounded by Rivaille’s scent to calm down.

However in the end, he didn’t reach Rivaille’s room because he heard voices in the kitchen downstairs. Eren couldn’t tell what they were saying, but he was sure that they were his mom, dad, and Rivaille. Why were his parents awake? It was in the middle of the night, they should be sleep for hours, at least his mom or his dad should be still in the clinic. And why was Rivaille at home? He followed the noise and slowly began to understand them.

“--- hinding it from us.”

“--- don’t give a fuck about ---”

“---disgrace---”

Their voices were angry and loud in this heated argument. Eren became even more confused. Fights were something that didn’t happen often in the Jäger-household.  
Eren opened the door to the kitchen without a second thought and was greeted with a very unfamiliar and even more confusing scene.

Carla Jäger stood in one of the corners of the room, her fingers grasping the fabric of her housecoat tightly. She looked so scared, so shocked. Eren had never seen this expression on his mother’s face before.

In the middle of the room was Grisha Jäger, his whole body screaming anger. He was holding the collar of his brother’s shirt who was bruised really badly on the right cheek.

Was he still dreaming? This shouldn’t happen. Grisha pushed Rivaille away, maybe trying to give the whole situation a bit more normality, but Eren couldn’t see his father in this man in front of him at all. He would never forget the picture of this man – his father – hurting his brother.

“Rivaille!”, Eren cried and ran to his brother but stopped dead in his tracks when his father pressed out his name from gritted teeth.

“Eren, don’t get any closer to this freak. He might hurt you”, he barked.

“Eren has nothing to do with this!”, Rivaille shouted at Grisha. “You can’t take him away from me.” He went over to Eren who was close to tears and kneed down in front of the boy to hug him. “It will be ok, Eren. It will be ok”, he whispered, his voice shaking.

“Get away from my son, fag.” Eren was trembling in Rivaille’s arms. He had never seen his father so angry and he was sure that the words he used weren’t for his ears, what his mother said was only confirming it.

“Grisha! You… you can’t say something like this when Eren’s here as well”

“How has the fact I’m dating a boy anything to do with Eren?” Eren understood. Their parents had found out that Rivaille liked that boy but he couldn’t figure out how they had. Did he tell them? And why were his parents so angry about it?

“Eren”, his father snarled suddenly, “Did that piece of shit touch you?”

“Grisha!”, his mother shouted aghast.

“Don’t even dare to think I would do something to Eren! Did you ever learn the fucking difference? I’m gay, not a child abuser. What the hell is your fucking problem?”

“Get out of my house and away from my son!”, the man snapped. Rivaille didn’t move away from Eren but only held him tighter.

“Grisha”, Eren’s mom whispered although it sounded more like an desperate beg, “You’re too hard with him, do you even know what you’re saying? Rivaille is our son as well…” Tears streamed down her cheeks.

“That disgusting fag is not my son!”, Grisha yelled at her. In that moment, something in Rivaille changed like a switch that was flipped in his mind, Eren could feel it when his body stiffened.

“Rivaille?”, he asked hesitantly, but his brother didn’t react or answer, he just stood up and went to the door. When he turned around for a last time, Eren caught a glimpse of his eyes. They were so dead.

“Ok, if I’m not your son anymore”, he began calmly, "I don’t want to see you as my parents anymore. Eren, don’t let them poison your mind with the narrow-minded things they say to you. You should go to bed now. Tomorrow, you’ll be fine again.” Rivaille left the room, and left everything in an uncomfortable silence which laid heavily on the whole house. After some time they heard the front door opening and closing again.

“Come on, Eren, you should get some sleep. I’ll bring you to your room”, his mother whispered and took Eren’s hand. His father stayed in the kitchen.

* * *

 

Eren woke up in the next morning, maybe more moon than morning. That was the first strange thing he realized. Normally, Rivaille would wake him up, although it was Saturday. He would wake him and tell him to get ready so they could clean up his room. But it was noon. Did Rivaille forget him? Or did he stay with friends last night?

Last night. He didn’t remember much of it. It was all in a blur, like a dream. Maybe it had been a dream, one of his nightmares, although it had been completely different to the usual ones.

The next thing he noticed were the pictures on the wall which were mostly drawings he and Rivaille had hung up. Some of them were missing, at least parts. All drawings with his brothers on them weren’t there anymore.

The young boy began to panic; he stood up and ran to Rivaille’s room. He had to be there.

The room was empty. Like, complete empty. His brother’s room was empty. The walls were blank and white, no band posters, no movie posters. There were an empty bed with the blanket neatly folded laying on it, the wardrobe and the empty desk. It was cold in this room, like every living and emotion had been sucked out of it. Eren tried to catch his brother’s scent, but it smelled nothing like lemon, detergents and his warmth.

Eren was now in complete panic. Had something happened to his brother? Was he ok? Where was he? He ran down the stairs, nearly tripping a few times.

“Mom!”, he shouted when he saw her laying on the sofa with a book in her hand in the livingroom. He noticed that the fire in the fireplace was burning, although the weather was much warmer than yesterday. There was no reason to heat the house.

His mom’s eyes were red and puffy when she turned to her son. It reminded Eren of the night. Did she cry afterwards. Why did she cry?

“What is it, Eren?”, she asked softly.

“Where’s Rivaille?”

“Darling, who’s Rivaille?”


	2. Dear Karma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Jean meets Marco.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the feedback for the first chapter, I'm really glad you liked it.  
> This chapter takes place 10 years after the last one, so don't be surprised. And it's Jean's POV.

“Fuck!”, Jean muttered under his breath when he nearly spilled the hot coffee over his hands. Not his day. Not his fucking day.

It started with the fact that it was Monday, he had forgotten to set his alarm last evening, woke up too late, had no time for shower, run against the table in the kitchen twice, ran to the bus only to miss it by seconds, had to wait for the next one about thirty minutes because it had been too late. After 10 minutes it had started to rain. His clothes were soaked when he finally reached the main station; he had twenty minutes left until his bus to school would arrive. Since he had no coffee this morning (remember the not-working-alarm-clock-incident) he went to Starbucks. What ended with him being late for his school bus. He had never seen so many people in one fucking Starbucks shop. And now he was running to his bus stop, hoping that his bus would be late as well.

He was already going through the bus timetable, how late he would be for class if he couldn’t catch this bus, when he ran into someone. Finally he burned his fingers with the hot coffee. “Fuck.”, he swore again.

“Waah, sorry! I should have looked where I was going”, the other person said. Jean looked up from his coffee to the face that came with the male voice.

“uh, sorry”, Jean mumbled intelligently and brushed past the young man.

Luckily, he reached the bus in the last second. However, he would have to drive for twenty minutes and because he was that late, all seats were taken, but he was used to it. That was the price for living outside the city with a rich family and being too young to have a driver license.

But… he was definitely not used to the empty space in the pocket of his sweater where his mobile should be. Should. Oh fuck you Karma, the boy with the two-toned hair thought. It had probably fallen out of his pocket when he had bumped against the other guy.

Now when he wasn’t running, complaining about his problems or thinking about the school day he should focus on, he was able to think about the other boy’s appearance. Jean was pretty sure that he was some kind of punk or goth or something like that. He remembered black clothes with a lot of buckles on the jacket he had been wearing. More details of his clothes were in a blur, but hey, he had burned his fingers and had been chasing his bus, he was actually surprised that he remembered this much. His black hair had been parted perfectly in the middle, his skin had been covered in a shit ton of freckles and his right eye had been covered by a black eye patch.

Jean blinked. Why did he remember so much about the other boy? He sighed. Ok, other thoughts. Not thinking about freckles. Like his lost mobile. He was going to die without it.

The bus stopped in front of the Trost-Highschool and the students in the bus literally poured out of the full bus to get to their classrooms. Jean was in no hurry because he knew that his teacher wouldn’t care if he was too late or not. He walked down the hall to the lockers to deposit some books.

Eren didn’t seem to mind being late as well.

“You asshole!”, Jean heard Eren shouting, followed by the thump of something – or someone – against the lockers. He rolled his eyes. This morning was so fucking perfect…

He walked around the corner and saw the fight between Eren and two other guys in his age. He was pressed against the locker; his nose was bleeding – probably broken again. And the red stain on his cheek didn’t look that good either.

Anytime between end of elementary school and middle school, Eren had started to get violent and had anger issues, beginning to lose his temper too quickly. Jean really felt bad for his parents who had to deal with him in this time. There had been times when Eren missed for few weeks because of hospital stays or therapy but nothing helped. It had gotten better, mostly because his step-sister had been always on his side to hold him back, but she had skipped a grade and was now in the university. So Eren was alone again. And it had become worse again.

“Just shut the fuck up. Otherwise the teachers will come”, one of them said.

“I don’t give a fuck. It would be better for you if they find you before I can hit you again”, Eren screamed back. Nope, Jean decided, Eren didn’t grow any more brain since yesterday. At least, he could wait until the wounds from his previous battles heal. And he would lose that fight again. Eren had luck that the bell decided to ring in that moment.

“Shit, I have to go to class. We’re not finished with you, Eren Jäger.”, the one who held Eren to the locker said. “And I’m not finished with you”, Eren hissed and received two more blows in his stomach before the let him go and he slid on the floor. The other two students left him there and went away.

Jean walked up to Eren who was now lying on the floor with his eyes closed and the hint of a smile on his face. It was something that Jean had noticed some time ago: Although Eren was always pretty beaten up, he would smile.

“Oi, Jäger”, Jean began and nudged Eren in his side to get his attention, “do you intent to stay on the floor where you belong or will you go to the infirmary?”

“Shut up, horseface”, Eren snapped at him. “They were talking shit about Bertholdt and Reiner again, there was no way I could get them away with that.”

“And getting beat up is better than using your mouth for something else than cussing for once and tell them to shut up?”

“They wouldn’t listen”, the dark brown-haired pouted and stood up. “ow…”

“Well, since you can stand and hopefully walk, too, I’ll go to class now and tell Pixis that you acted like an idiot again.” Eren just shot him a glance when he turned around and walked down the now empty hallway of their school.

The lesson had already begun, of course. “Sorry, Eren got in a fight again”, Jean explained. Pixis nodded and took another mouthful out of the bottle in his hand. It said ‘Water‘ but nearly everyone knew that not every clear liquid was water.

 

Time ticked by slowly… very slowly. And because Jean didn’t have his mobile with him anymore, he couldn’t even distract himself. He let his head fall in the folded arms on the table and groaned in the fabric of the sweater. How was he supposed to survive without his beloved mobile? He starred at the clock in the classroom: 40 minutes until lunch break. 30 minutes. 25 minutes. 24 minutes. 15 minutes. He followed the second hand 15 times more making its round until the bell freed the students. But not with enough homework for the whole week.

Jean walked down the hall to the big cafeteria, heading to the familiar table where Eren and Armin were already sitting. Eren’s face was decorated with a plaster over his nose and on his cheek and his left wrist was bandaged, too. When Armin noticed Jean, he waved and pulled his bag down from “Jean’s” seat. It was just an old habit of the whole group to sit on the same place every day.

“Jean, hey! How was class?”, Armin asked. He was a pretty small and slender boy with blonde hair and big blue eyes, maybe looking a bit innocent and like a crybaby, but he was one of the cleverest boys in the whole school.

Jean slumped on the chair, rolled his head back and moaned again. “So fucking booooring.” Armin only chuckled. “You’ll survive.”

Sasha and Connie came back from their expedition to find as much food as possible. They greeted everyone, their mouth was already filled with food. Sasha and Connie were both able to inhale their food but you would never think that they would eat so much. Connie was actually the smallest boy in the group, except from Christa.

Speaking of the devil – or, in her case, of the angel – she appeared at the entrance of the cafeteria, together with her girlfriend. Behind them followed Reiner and Bertholdt. And their group was complete (last year, Mikasa had been with them as well but now she was at the university).

Ymir pulled Christa on her lap what was maybe a bit too forceful but Christa didn’t struggle. It was Ymir’s way to show everyone else that the blonde petite girl belonged to her. Nevertheless, the small girl blushed when her girlfriend grinned at her.

Reiner and Bertholdt sat down on the other side of the table on two separated chairs, but put them close enough so that Reiner could pull his arm around his boyfriend’s waist.

“Hey Jean!”, Connie shouted between tow bites of burger, sending tiny pieces of food flying from his mouth. “Connie, you’re disgusting. Learn how to swallow before talking…” The boy with the buzz cut ignored his remark. “Did you get my message?”

Jean hid his head again in his folded arms. “Lost my phone this morning”, he mumbled. Eren laughed. “Omg, no more distraction in class for you, Rainbow Dash.” – “Shut the fuck up!”

Connie and Reiner held back Jean, and Armin and Bertholdt had to hold Eren down on his chair. “Eren, you’ve already had a fight today. It’s enough!” They calmed down after some time but still tried to kill each other with stares.

“Have you already tried to call your mobile? Maybe somebody found it”, the blonde boy with the bowl-cut asked Jean. There was a reason why Armin was the most intelligent of them. “Great idea, Armin. Can somebody lend me their mobile?”

Connie handed him his phone after unlocking it. The first time he tried to call his own number, the mailbox started, but the second time, somebody answered the call.

“Uh, hi, ahm… sorry, I’m not the person you want to call. I found this mobile this morning and ah… do you know the owner so I can give it back?”, the person on the other side blurted out rashly, it was nearly too fast to follow.

“Woha, hold on, you sound like you’re going to choke on your tongue. Uh.. from the beginning. Hi, I’m the owner of the mobile you’re holding right now. Ahhh… Can we meet somewhere so you can give it back to me?”, Jean asked nervously because 8 pairs of eyes were watching him.

“Yeah, sure.”, the male voice on the phone answered, “When and where do you want to meet? This evening or afternoon would be fine with me.”

“How about 4 o’clock at the small bakery in the main station?” There, he could even get another coffee after his horrible day which hadn’t gotten any better – well, at least, he would get his mobile back.

“That would be ok with me. Uhh… what do you look like… otherwise I won’t know who you are when I see you.”, the other male asked, his voice sounded nervous again.

“Ok, I’m wearing a dark green sweater, black pants and white sneakers. And my hair is light brown on top and darker at the sides.”, he described himself. Connie and Sasha were snickering because of Jean’s description and Eren’s remark “and I look like a horse”. Said boy just stuck out his tongue in their direction. Very mature.

There was a short silence on the phone before the other one spoke again: “Wait… are you the guy I ran into this morning?” Oh, great, now that was embarrassing.

He sighed. “Yeah... that was probably me.”

“Oh god. That’s embarrassing. I’m so sorry for spilling your coffee this morning! I should have looked where I was going”, the voice on the phone blurted out again.

“Naw, it’s ok, forget about it. Well, I think I can recognize you when I see you.”

“That’s good. See you then.”

“Bye.”, Jean said before the line was cut. Connie held out his hand to get his mobile back and Jean put it in his hand.

“Shit man, you were flirting for over 4 minutes to get your mobile back. Did you plan a complete date or something?”

“Connie! It’s not a date!”

“Then what took you this long?”

“I know the guy.”

 

P.E. went over a bit faster than the rest of the day but still way to long for Jean. Main reason may have been the fact that sport lesson in school were not taken seriously by anyone of the class and it was more like a second lunch break – without the food but with sitting around and talking. Of course there were the ones who tried to make a good impression and do what the teacher told them but they surely were a minority.

Jean nearly forgot that he wanted to meet the finder of his mobile when the empty space in his pocket reminded him of his loss. If it wasn’t for his phone, he would drive straight home and fall in his bed, but fate and Karma or whatever had other plans.

He reached the main station and saw the black-haired immediately. Maybe sometimes it was really a good thing to stand out of the crowd. He was already standing in front of the bakery and waved a bit smiling when he noticed Jean.

“Hi”, he said when he was standing in front of the young man.

“Hey… I don’t even know your name, sorry. I think we skipped that part. My name’s Marco”, the slightly taller boy introduced himself with a smile on his lips. Did he ever not smile?

“I’m Jean.” He looked irritated from the brown eye to the eyepatch and then to the freckles that covered his face, not sure where he was supposed to look. Marco’s appearance should probably be at least a bit intimidating but strangely, Jean didn’t mind at all. It somehow gave him something special and it suited him (Jean noticed this in a complete no-homo way, of course).

“Jean… is that French?”, Freckles asked him. Jean was surprised that his name was pronounced correctly at the first try. It didn’t happen very often.

“Yeah, my grandma is French and she insisted on giving me a French name. What can be really bothersome if someone doesn’t know how to pronounce it.”

Marco shrugged. “I like your name. Well, here’s your phone before I forget giving it to you completely. It vibrated a few times, I hope nothing bad happened while you didn’t have it with you.”

Jean didn’t know what to do right now. On the one hand, he had his mobile back and could go home. He could go home and forget his bad day by playing on his computer, watching TV or simply sleeping. One the other hand had Marco picked up his mobile and had taken his time to come back to the station to give it to him. He couldn’t just say ‘thanks’ and go away, could he?

“Ah, thank you”, Jean muttered and took the phone out of Marco’s hand. That guy even painted his fingernails on the left hand (he wore a black glove on the right so Jean couldn’t tell if his nails were painted there as well) and he saw even more freckles. Ok, maybe Marco was a bit strange but all in all, he seemed to be very nice.

They stood in awkward silence for a moment and everything seemed to be more interesting than the person in front of each other. “I’ll go then”, Marco smiled softly, “Bye Jean.” He turned to the exit but before he could take his first step Jean reached out for Marco’s arm, stopping himself and pulled his hand back when his fingers touched the fabric of Marco’s black jacket. Luckily Marco noticed it anyway and looked at Jean again.

“H-Hey, I’m sorry that you had to come back here because I had lost my mobile and you’ve found it. Can I treat you to a coffee? If you’ve got time, I mean. And... if you want to, of course.” Why the hell was he that nervous? Because it was awkward, that why. Because he had never been in this situation before. It’s just a normal reaction. Nothing strange.

Marco looked at him in confusion, then his smile brightened. “Sure, but I have to go to work in half an hour.”

 

They sat in the Starbucks for the whole 30 minutes after a brief discussion that, yes, Jean would pay and no, he would not be ok with the fact that Marco wanted to buy the cheapest drink just to go easy on Jean’s wallet.

Jean did most of the talking but Marco listened interested and asked many questions, at least as many as Jean asked. They were talking about daily things like school – the brown-haired boy had to tell him about a certain idiot who ended in fights too often - and Marco’s work – which were at an old people’s home, an animal shelter and as barista in a café or something like that – but they soon found out that they enjoyed the same music and although Jean preferred rock and Marco tended to Dark Wave, they found some bands which were both boys’ favorites.

They exchanged numbers before Marco went to his shift in the old people’s home (he had told Jean that he was working in the laundry because he didn’t want to scare the retirees) and Jean took the next bus home and fell in his bed.

 

From: Freckles  
[08:30] Hey ^_^

Jean groaned and dropped his head back in his soft pillow. One of the few days he didn’t have to stand up before sunrise to be at school for the first lesson, the message had woken him up and then it was one of the typical Marco-messages.

He wanted to write ‘What?!’ like he would write if it was Connie or Eren, but he couldn’t be rude with Marco although it’s already the second time he was woken up like this. Must be the emoticons Marco uses all the time.

Two weeks had gone by since Marco had found Jean’s mobile. Since then the two boys had developed and message and chat-friendship and it was really nice to write with the black-haired boy. Jean was mostly complaining about school and that idiot Eren Jäger (Marco still didn’t understand how these two could even be friends) while Marco was listening or telling funny things that had happened at one of his workplaces.

To: Freckles  
[8:35] Morning.

He send his short message. Maybe Marco got the clue that today was his I-can-get-more-than-5-hours-of-sleep-day. His mobile vibrated only seconds later.

From: Freckles  
[8:35] Oh, I forgot you’ve got school later! Sorry, did I wake you? Again? I’m sorry ._.’’

He got the clue.

To: Freckles  
[8:38] You did, but it’s ok. Why did you wake me anyway?

Jean groaned and rolled out of his bed. Maybe going to bed at 2 in the morning wasn’t that effective, but he had finished the assignment his teacher had given him. He could actually sleep for one more hour but now he was already awake and he could stand up and get ready as well. While he was deciding what he would wear today, his phone vibrated again.

From: Freckles  
[8:45] Do you want to come to the café this evening after my shift? My boss wants to know the person who makes me texting during work.

To: Freckles  
[8:47] Your boss wants to meet me?! Are you serious right now?

From: Freckles  
[8:50] Yes, I am ^^’  
[8:51] But I want to see you again, too ^^ You don’t have to if you don’t want or don’t have time.

To: Freckles  
[8:54] Naw, it’s ok. Shift ends at 17:30, right? I should find that place.

From: Freckles  
[8:56] Yes, I’m looking forward to see you ^^ Have fun in school ;) P.S. wear something black if you don’t want to stand out ^^

Jean replaced the white shirt he wanted to wear with a black band t-shirt instantly.

 

Jean was 15 minutes too late and it had not even been his fault. Eren had decided to get into another fight; exactly one day after the last plaster on one of his wounds from the last fight had been removed. However Jean was sure that Eren had miscalculated the whole situation because this time it had ended worse than last time: Strained wrist, lost tooth, black eye and two bruised ribs. Which meant that they drove with a teacher to the hospital to treat Eren’s injuries. Jean had to be with them because he was the one who had found Eren – again – and his teacher had a few questions about the incident.

He had missed his bus because it took too long in the hospital (he seriously couldn’t wait for the holidays when his parents would allow him to make his driver license) but his teacher told him that she would drive him to the café. And of course he didn’t find Marco’s workplace at first.

When he finally arrived, Marco was waiting outside the café ‘104th trainee squad’. Jean noticed that the outside of the shop was mostly black decorated with white ornaments. It was definitely not one of those mainstream cafés but it fitted perfectly for Marco who was wearing his usual black outfit inclusive eye patch.

“Hey Jean”, Freckles said smiling and waved the left hand on which he didn’t wear a glove.

“Hi, sorry for being late. Eren had another fight”, the boy with the two-toned hair explained. Marco’s eye widened.

“Is he ok?”, he asked concerned. Marco was always the first one to be concerned when Jean told him something bad or sad.

“That idiot will make it, but he had to go to the hospital to get medical treatment. However, as I as I said, he’ll make it, it’s not the first time.” Marco relaxed slightly but the worried expression didn’t leave his face.

“Soo… you want me to meet your boss?”, Jean changed the topic, he really didn’t want Marco to worry.

“Yeah, but I have to warn you: They are a bit weird, to be true. Ok, maybe more than just a bit, but they are really nice. Just don’t panic when they suddenly pull you in a hug or talk about science like they want to dissect you right here and now. They are just a bit eccentric and hyperactive.”

“’They?’”, Jean asked irritated.

“Yes, they don’t identify with a certain gender, so, if you talk about them, use ‘they’. It’s confusing in the beginning but you get used to it.”

They walked in the café and Jean was suddenly very glad about his clothes change from white to black. He really would have stand out. The café was separated in two parts, the first part was illuminated by black chandeliers and some tables stood around, the second part in the back which was separated with a wall from the first part was illuminated by colorful neon cables at the walls and it seemed like there were comfortable sofas instead of chairs and tables. The walls were covered with different band posters, mostly gothic, punk, industrial bands and Jean was actually proud that he knew a few of them. The music they played in low volume was part of these genres as well. Some patrons were sitting around, drinking their coffee and were talking or were working on their laptops.

“Marcooooo, you’re back!”, a voice screeched through the whole room and the boy next to Jean was suddenly embraced by a brown/black flash.

“I was only outside for twenty minutes, no need to worry. Ahm, Hanji. This is Jean. Jean, this is Hanji.” The brown-haired person with the googles on their head let go off Marco and looked at Jean closely with that not-so-really-sane-anymore grin on her face. Before he could say anything, Hanji hugged him as well and whined.

“But Marcooo… he’s not cute enough for you.” Jean looked up to Marco to get a proper explanation while he was still pressed against Hanji’s body but Marco just became red instantly.

“Hanji, no, we’re not.. he’s not… it’s not like that! I mean you misunderstand it!”, he spluttered while he first waved his hands defensive and then hid his flushed face behind his hands. His reaction was actually really cute although Jean didn’t get it.

“Whatever Marco, whatever. Keep telling that yourself but you should see your smile when you stick to your mobile.” “Hanji!” They chuckled and allowed Jean to breathe again. “Well, well, I’ll leave you two alone. Can I bring you something, sweethearts?” Jean chose a white latte and Marco ordered a hot chocolate before they sat down in one of the quieter corners of the first room.

“Are they always that… active?”, Jean asked in disbelieve. He had never met a person like them before and it was really exhausting. They were even more exhausting than Connie and Sasha.

“Yes, most of the time. Believe me, at some days, work is horrible. Except when their friends are here, they somehow manage it to keep them down. .. and sorry for all the embarrassing things Hanji said. She kind of tries to set me up with every male person I meet. Just.. ignore their stupid patter, please?”, Marco admitted shyly and his cheeks became red again (seriously, how often did Freckles blush?) and the other boy caught the implied message.

“so.. you’re gay?” Marco nodded.

“I hope you don’t mind, sorry. If you don’t want to stay here because of that, it’s ok, too, I guess…”, he mumbled, and Jean knew that Marco was really afraid of rejection. It felt like he had bad experiences with outing, very bad ones and Jean was sure that he should not ask him now what happened. Maybe later.

“Hey, it’s cool. I don’t mind if you prefer dicks over pussies”, he just said and hoped that it would ease some of the tension between the two boys. It worked. Marco blushed again, let his head fall forward in defeat but started to laugh. “Jean, no…”

Hanji came back with their drinks and their eyes lit up when they saw the t-shirt Jean was wearing under his jacket.

“Ohh, you like ‘Breached Walls’? You must like them when you’re wearing their shirt, right? Have you ever met them? I think you did not, did you? Have you ever been at one of their concerts?”, they asked Jean in incredible speed, bouncing up and down next to him, and he was surprised that they did not stumble over their words. The brunette didn’t even give the boy with the two-toned hair the chance to answer. “I’m a good friend with their manager and he gave me a few tickets for their show in Sina next weekend. Nee, Marco, Jean, would you like to go there? I know you love ‘Breached Walls’ as well, Marco.”

“I do, Hanji, but they are your birthday presents, shouldn’t you go there with your friends?”

"I did ask them, I did! I asked all of them but Eyebrows is on a business trip and my other friends don’t like ‘Breached Walls’, except from Levi who will come with me. But I’ve four tickets left and I don’t have to order it to you as your boss, Marco, do I?”

Marco practically winced. “I’m sure that this was not a part of the work contract. However, I’ve got time that weekend. If Jean wants to go there, I’ll go with you.” The freckled boy looked at Jean expectantly with one of his angelic smiles.

“Sure, that would be cool. If you don’t find somebody for the last two tickets, I have two friends who would die to go to a concert of ‘Breached Walls’”, he explained. To be true, he didn’t want to go to the concert alone. Well, Marco would be there but he didn’t know him that well.

“Yes! That would be awesome. I’ll tell Marco to text you where and when we’ll meet because you two are texting the whole time anyway.” They shot Marco and Jean a knowing glance and both boys groaned. “Hanji, please… ” They went back to the counter with a grin on their lips and finally left the two boys alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so, Eren will meet Levi. Thank you for reading so far, I'll try to upload every two weeks but I can't promise ._. Till the next chapter!


	3. Dear Familiar Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Eren meets an annoying idiot and Levi meets a shitty brat.

The sound of his alarm clock woke him in the cruelest way possible: with never ending ringing. He knew that he should stand up but he didn’t see a reason why he should go to school. Perhaps he should just tell his parents that he was sick and stay at home. Then he remembered the concert this evening, at least one thing to be happy about. However, if he didn’t go to school, his parents wouldn’t let him go to the concert as well. That’s what you get for having a doctor as father.

On the other hand, he would have to deal with Jean - and his unknown uh… human who had pick up his mobile few weeks ago and wanted to be friends with Jean - for the whole night. He still had no clue how Jean had gotten hands on those expensive tickets for the concert of “Breached Walls”

He turned around on his stomach and was instantly reminded of his bruised ribs. He let his tongue roam along his teeth until he found the empty space. Still there. He managed a small smile. Yesterday had been real. That’s good.

He rolled out of his bed and went to his desk where he cut open the bandage around his wrist before he shuffled towards the bathroom.

* * *

 

He woke up three hours before his alarm could wake him. Means he had three and a half hours of sleep, should be enough. His hand searched for the nightstand in the dark room where a pill and a glass of water were waiting for him. He plopped the pill in his mouth and swallowed it with some water. Then he laid still for a while, hoping that the painkillers kicked in fast. In the morning, it hurt most.

While he was waiting he planned his Friday. He had to clean his apartment, especially because he had had guests yesterday. Their filth is still in his apartment. And he had to do some grocery shopping, his fridge should be nearly empty by now.

And the concert. Hanji had pestered him long enough so that in the end, he accepted their “offer” to go with them. Of course they had to invite people he didn’t know. Hell, even Hanji didn’t know them. They had given him a day off because his late-shift would have been at the same time as they would drive to the concert and they had decided to close the café around midday.

He stood up when the pain was numbed and went to the bathroom, making a mental note to at least plan in one hour for getting ready tonight before he would drive to the concert himself. Hanji’s car was always worse than a trash bin, he wouldn’t want to get too close to it.

Afterwards, he went to the living room where he had left his mobile the evening before, unplugged it from the cable to took it with him in the kitchen. He was making his black tea when Hanji’s regular message came in. ‘How are you feeling? Did you take your pill?’ Yes, he had taken that damn pill and yes, he was fucking fine. No need to worry. Hanji wrote back almost instantly to let him know that she would give him his next ration of pills in the evening during the concert. Of course they would do it like this. They would always do it like this and they had always done it like this. He would get his pills in the evening. Hanji had probably just written to remind him of the concert. Like he would forget it.

* * *

 

“Eren, we’ll be late!”, Mikasa mentioned as she passed the bathroom I was occupying right now. I rolled my eyes while I was applying some taint-colored make-up on the blue-red-green-brown bruise underneath my right eye to cover it. “We’ve got enough time, believe me. You don’t have to go totally crazy”, I shouted back and changed into my tight black jeans.

The doorbell rang and I heard Mikasa going downstairs to open the door. Ok, maybe I was a little bit late but I just had to put on my black bracelets on the not bruised wrist and put on my shoes. I was nearly finished and Mikasa had no right to tell me we were late, I decided.

“Hi Jean”, she greeted.

“Uuh, hello Mikasa. Y-you look great this evening, especially your hair looks amazing”, I heard Jean stutter downstairs and it really made me want to puke. It was time to stop his miserable try to impress my sister.

“Ok, horseface, stop harassing Mikasa, she doesn’t want anything from you and she’s too good for you anyway”, I told that idiot when I walked down the stairs. I guess he will never learn that he’s fucking bad at flirting and still he tried to date her since he found out what “dating” means. Actually, when Jean and I weren’t fighting or he was molesting Mikasa, we were ok, somehow.

“I get it! By the way, it’s your sister’s decision, not yours”, he shot back. We were both teasing each other to no end until one of us crossed the line. Our friends were already used to it and knew when it was really necessary to hold us back.

Jean was wearing a band-shirt similar to Mikasas and mine. We had bought it together when finally the new album was released and you could buy the CD together with the shirt. The band name was written in bold letters above a wall with a big hole on it. Through the hole, you could see the face of a strange humanoid creature without skin. On the back of the shirt you found the same wall but there you could look at ocean.

“Are you finally ready?”, my sister asked silently burying her face into the old red scarf I had given her for Christmas years ago but still refusing to throw it away. I grinned at her and we headed for her car after we said good-bye to mom. She wasn’t too concerned since she knew that Mikasa was always acting really mature and she could trust us because it wasn’t the first time we drove in her car to one of the smaller concerts here in Trost or in Shiganshina where we used to live before we went to college.

After an one hour ride to Sina in Mikasa’s car and some smaller discussions between me and Jean – no, ‘She’s a titankiller’ is NOT the best song by ‘Breached Walls’ – we finally reached our meeting point close to the concert hall. I actually had no idea where and who we wanted to meet so I just followed Jean who nearly ran off to two people sitting on the stone steps at the parking lot. I knew that one of them was some kind of friend of Jean and the other one was his friend’s boss. Well.. friend. I have never ever heard Jean talking this much about one single person. Our whole chaotic group of friends had already decided that something was going on between him and that guy – Marco – but he denied it all the time.

One of the two people, a black-haired boy in black clothes – who was probably Marco – stood up and.. fucking hugged Jean. And Jean hugged back. Very no-homo, horseface, very no-homo… I mean, seriously. I didn’t care if he was into Marco or not but I had enough material to tease him to no end. Maybe I should have made a picture for Connie and Sasha who were really… concerned about Jean’s love life.

The other person who was dressed in an extravagant Cybergoth outfit hugged Jean, too, but they had been described as very touchy and energetic. After some nice words with them and a few more lovey-dovey eye contact with Marco (Fangirls, you may scream now, it would have been sickly cute if it wasn’t horseface…), he decided to introduce me and Mikasa.

“These are Eren and his sister, Mikasa. Eren, Mikasa, this is Marco” The boy smiled at us with a warm smile. His outfit was chosen in complete black: His shirt had several buckles and belts at the sleeve, the black vest above it was corded in every way possible, the trousers were in the same design as his shirt. One of his eyes was covered with an eye patch with a small silver spider web on it.

“And they are Hanji.” They grinned at us like insane, I think that this was actually a fitting description for Hanji. They wore a black black tanktop and black arm warmers as well but accented by neon green and orange highlights. Their hair extensions and synthetic dreadlocks were in the same color. On their head was a pair of googles and around her neck dangled a gas mask. Their boots were covered in black-neon-green fur.

“Then let’s go!”, Hanji squeaked with excitement and practically jumped to the concert hall. Of course we’ve been to different concerts before but Trost and Shingashina weren’t that big and therefore most of the concerts were in smaller clubs. Sina was completely different. The hall was huge from the outside. … and so was the queue in front of it to get inside.

“Oh… Maybe we should have come here earlier”, Marco said defeated when he saw the line of people that started at the doors where the first ones could go inside and went over the whole square in front of the hall to the road. I really didn’t want to wait that long.

“No, no, everything is fine!”, Hanji grinned and pushed us away from the crowd… to a small backdoor at the side of the building where a guy with light brown hair was standing. “Moblit, sweetheart! We are here!”, they shouted and nearly tackled the surprised man down. “Look, these are my friends Marco, Jean, Eren and Mikasa and we aaaaaall want to watch the show. Will you please let us in?”

Note 1 to myself: never get too close to Hanji when she’s excited unless you want to be squeezed to death.

Note 2 to myself: As soon as you say “hi” to Hanji, you’re their friend.

When we were in the building it was just a small walk to the main auditorium, Hanji knew the way just perfectly fine. The room was so fucking huge; I’ve been in such big rooms, of course, but not for a concert. I was sure that it would be amazing when the room was filled with fans.

I got to know Marco a bit better and we all talked about the band and our favorite songs (Look, Jean, Marco thought that ‘Soldier, Warrior, Monster’ was better than ‘She’s a titankiller’, too!) and more people came into the hall when Hanji suddenly kind of freaked out and waved like crazy while shouting to someone in the growing crowd. I couldn’t see anyone at first but understood why very fast: He was small. Like… Armin-small. And if he was not wearing his two-inch plateau-shoes, he would be even smaller.

He came closer and I decided at once that height didn’t have to do anything with general hotness. This man was a complete new species of handsome humans in my view of the world: Raven black hair that was very short at both sides of his head and the rest on top of it was falling to his left side, ivory white skin like a doll, a sharp defined jawline and pointed chin. The clothes reminded me of military – somehow, if you ignored all the band badges on its front and the chains at the bottom: The black leather jacket was short, it went only to his waist with badges at the upper arms and studs all over it, a black button-up underneath. The trousers were black, too, with two black belts around each upper thigh. And then there were his black, knee high plateau boots out of leather.

I couldn’t say how long I was gaping at him while he was walking to us and was hugged by Hanji – he was not amused by it – but suddenly he stared back at me, one of his perfectly straight eyebrows raised. He looked right into my eyes and oh-my-god. His eyes were framed with dark eyeliner and the irises were stormy gray. Underneath his perfect lips were two viper bites.

They reminded me of something. Someone. I tried to suppress it like I always did. It was ridiculous. This something/someone was not even real.

“Oi, dumbfuck, do you need a photo or something? It will last longer.” Yeah… photo would be nice. Preferably with less clothes. Suddenly, I snapped of my daydream.

“Did you just call me ‘dumbfuck’?”

“Are you a fucking parrot or something? Yes, I did, because you act like one, got a problem with it? You can stop gawking now, brat”, he looked at me with his bored face but everything screamed “Watch out, you’re going on dangerous territory” and I believed him. But maybe I was a dumbfuck and despite hurt wrist, the healing rest of a black eye and my bruised ribs, I decided to step exactly this territory.

“Yes, I’ve got a problem with that, asshole. You don’t go around and call people you don’t know names”, I told him but he just rolled his eyes.

“And what did you do right now?” What was he talking about? When he got that I didn’t understand him, he rolled his eyes again dramatically.

“You are one of these idiots who open their mouth before they think, aren’t you? Hanji, where did you pick up that kid?”

“I’m not a kid!”, I defended myself. I was nearly 18, I definitely wasn’t a kid anymore. Or a brat.

“You’re a kid and you are younger than me, that makes you a noisy, shitty brat.”

“My name’s Eren, you jerk.”

“Did I ask for your name?” the black haired glanced at me, bored as before but his eyes were slightly widened and his voice wasn’t as smooth as before.

“Just had to correct you. If you haven’t known this before: Normally you introduce yourself when you meet new people.” I was getting really annoyed. I’ll take back everything about him being hot and everything. I might agree on the fact that he was looking a bit better than the rest of mankind but that didn’t cover up a shitty character. He was a complete douchebag.

“How about you tell me your name?”, I asked him as polite and patient as possible. I could already feel that Mikasa tensed where she stood, she knew me too well, I guess.

“Why are you so fucking persistent, brat? You won’t even remember my name tomorrow so why should I tell you?” Okay, I was beyond annoyed and my sister was studying the pros and cons if she should pull me away or not. Part of me actually wished that she would just pull me away but on the other hand would it mean that I would never get to know his name. And maybe I wanted to know him. I was sure it was the stupidest thing ever because I should not do this.

But this… memory was a lie, wasn’t it.

“Listen, shitty brat. I’m here to listen to good music, not to ‘make conversation’. You have all your friends with you, annoy them and not me.” He gave back but his voice lacked with strength. Did I say something wrong? Or better: Did I say something to get him off his high horse?

“Levi, Eren? Could you please not fight? It would be really bad with so many people around and I‘ve heard that you’re still hurt, Eren. Please don’t do anything stupid”, Marco piped up like the freckled angel as which Jean had described him (more or less, he didn’t say it that directly but to sum it up). But… did he just mention his name?

“Your name’s Levi?”, I asked in disbelief. Levi. Revi. Rivail--- fuck.

“Do you never listen? Yes, that’s what he said? Happy now?”

“Is your name French?”, I blurted out. That wasn’t what I wanted to ask. I couldn’t even remember what I actually wanted to ask. Why was this happening to me?

Levi raised his eyebrow again in confusion. “No, forget what I asked. I get it. You don’t want to talk. I’ll just.. go to my friends, like you suggested. It’s fine”, I said rashly averting my eyes and turned around to Mikasa, Jean and Marco to talk with them and to ignore Ri--- Levi. I could feel the pair of stormy grey eyes burning in my back. I was afraid but I couldn’t tell of what. I touched my bruised rib underneath the skin and it hurt, it was there. It was real.

* * *

 

He fell in his bed at two o’clock in the middle of the night. The concert had been awesome. They had been so close to the stage that they had watched their idols from very close. And with Marco’s help he had even persuaded Jean that they had better songs, at least in the live-version. All in all, it had been awesome, great, just.. Wow! He had never experienced a concert like that before.

Afterwards, they had decided to get something to eat in a fast food restaurant before they drove home. Of course this all hadn’t happened without causing sensation. A group out of goths, punks and cybergoths was something people didn’t see every day, but he liked them actually really much. Hanji with her eccentric character, Marco with his somehow never-ending kindness and his two best friends. And then there was Levi.

Levi. Levi.

This couldn’t happen. It’s been a lie. It’s been all a lie. He didn’t know him although he seemed to be so familiar. It was like he’s know Levi for years but he couldn’t remember him. It had all been illusion, Levi wasn’t him. He could still feel his grey eyes still boring in his back.

Would they meet again? He didn’t want it to happen but he did want it. He felt a certain kind of attraction towards the other male, but he felt a familiar feeling as well.

He slowly fell asleep with the ringing in his ears as a souvenir from the concert and all these thoughts running through his mind. Maybe tomorrow, everything would be different.

He would sleep restless that night.

* * *

 

He plopped the pill in his mouth and swallowed it with some water. Maybe they didn’t even help to reduce his insomnia anymore, but he took them anyway. At least they took away a bit of the stress he felt.

He had taken a long shower when he had come home until the water had become cold. However, he still felt dirty. There had been so many people at the concert and sweat and dirt and its awful smell. And the fast food restaurant in the end hadn’t helped at all. Sometimes he wondered if other people were just ignoring the dirt or really didn’t notice.

He laid down after he had set a fresh glass of water and the other pill Hanji had given him on the nightstand.

Eren Jäger.

Bright Eyes.

He sighed and closed his eyes. He had suppressed it for ten years. Had suppressed it to go on and then he just met that kid ten years later. Was it him? Or was he just someone who looked like him? It would be a shitty move of fate if it was him. Of course he was older now. It had been a stupid fix idea in his mind that he would stay that young boy.

But those big teal puppy eyes he loved so much, he could not forget them. He should not let that boy close to him. He didn’t want to shatter his and his own world again.

It was easier said than done. This boy had awoken his desire for family again – and something else. He should not let this boy any closer to him, no matter if it was his Eren Jäger or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the feedback. If you ever notice something that's wrong or confusing or you have any suggestions to improve anything, please tell me.   
> As you noted, 'Breached Walls' is a fictional band I created for this fic (and maaaaaaaybe their lyrics and the band itself fit to SNK).   
> See you next Chapter. Merry Christmas to everyone!


	4. Dear Daily Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know the feeling when you actually like your job, your co-workers and your boss but on some days, it just feels like you're working in a madhouse? Because Levi does.

I really couldn’t remember why for crying out loud I had decided to work in Hanji’s café. Must have been one of my good days. Or bad, look at it however you like it. Hell, sometimes I even forgot why I was friends with Hanji. Like today.

“Leviiiiiiii! I’m so glad you could come although it’s your day off. Annie just called me this morning to tell me that she’s sick today and I didn’t have anyone else to call. You know, Annie has never been sick since she had started here. It was a really bad surprise for me, you know. I just hope that she will be fine until tomorrow. Do you think she will be ok again until tomorrow? I mean, I would have to give her shifts to everyone and I don’t---”

“Just shut the fuck up for a moment, four eyes. I didn’t even have my first cup of tea. So just… stop your disgusting word vomit and let me do my work”, I interrupted them, ignoring the headache they giving me. And my legs and hips hurt more than usually at this time of the day although I had taken the medicine. Blame it on the weather and the unexpected workshift and Hanji’s hyperactive behavior. Yes, I was not a morning person and you should not even look at me before I had some caffeine in form of black tea.

“Oh, someone is especially grumpy this morning, right?”, Hanji grinned at me and poked my cheek although I shot them one of my death glares, but thy were kind of immune to it. This was something only a few people had achieved.

The first thing I did while I was waiting for the water for the tea in the small room behind the counter to boil was to clean up the counter and the tables again. Could be that there was dirt from yesterday left. Hanji already knew my daily routine so they just let me do it and made coffee for our first costumer today.

Although Hanji’s café, the 104th trainee squad, was more a meeting point for punk, goths and everyone wearing mostly black, we had quite a few ‘normal’ patrons. Hanji actually never wore their complete cybergothic outfit during their shifts, it was way too precious to them, but they wore black as well.

I was a small exception with my punk-style I had learned to love about seven years ago. The black outfit I had worn during the concert were my “better clothes” I only wore on special days, like the concert. Normally I would wear whatever I found in my wardrobe. Today it were black ripped jeans, my black combat boots (plateau shoes were something for concerts) and a fading orange band shirt of an English punk band. Just normal stuff, as I said.

That reminded me why I had chosen to work here. When Hanji had decided to open their café, they had desperately searched for people who wanted to work for that maniac and who wanted to work in this not-so-common-styled madhouse. In the end, they had only one or two workers and had begged me to work for them as well. It had its pros: I wouldn’t stand out in my punk clothes which usually scared away every employer. And I had known Hanji since high school and although they were annoying as fuck, they somehow had managed to become my friend. They had helped me in so many shitty situations; it was only fair to help them out. Well, this had been 7 years ago and in the end, I stuck in their cozy café. It was crazy but cozy.

Some hours later Marco arrived with his ever-lasting smile on his lips. “Sorry for being late, I had to bring my siblings to school.” He apologized for the five minutes he was too late before he was pulled in a hug by Hanji. This person was like a fucking magnet for people.

“No, no, it’s totally ok”, they explained. Idiot, how are you even able to manage your café with that attitude? Even when Marco was four hours to late, you would still say ‘don’t mind’.

Marco walked behind the counter to the small room and washed his hands thoroughly. This kid at least understood how important cleanliness was. Well, the freckled boy actually was some kind of perfect kid. If you ever associate ‘being a punk or goth’ with ‘being a noisy, unfriendly, rude brat’, forget it when you talk about Marco. I knew lots of parents who would trade their son for someone like Marco without a second thought. He was clean, polite, friendly and always in a good mood even when times were shitty. Hell, even my parents would have taken Marco instead of me if they had had the choice. Except from the fact that Marco was gay, too, and the homophobic asshole my father had been wouldn’t even take Marco then.

“Levi, you can take a break if you want to. Hanji and I will take care of the costumers”, he told me and I grumbled something that could be a ‘thanks’ . Maybe the term ‘freckled Jesus’ Hanji used for Marco really was the perfect description.

“Ah, Hanji, thank you again for the concert tickets, from the others as well. We really enjoyed the concert.” Marco had thanked them five times at least but it didn’t stop him from saying it again, perhaps only to make Hanji happy. Although I didn’t need more of Hanji’s babbling this morning (more noon, but who cares).

“Awww, honey, that’s nice to hear. I was really happy that you all had time because it would be a shame if I had tickets left, right? So I thought, if your friends like ‘Breached Walls’, why not inviting them, too. They seem to be nice. Did you know them before? Well, except from that boy with the permanent scowl. Does he always look like that? I mean, that’s not normal, is it? He looks like he’s grumpier than our little Grinch here, nee? Did you write to each other since Friday? Or did you already asked him out to a second date?” Hanji’s rambling was only interrupted by Marco’s groan and his hand hitting his forehead.

“Hanji, no. I… I’m not dating him, I already told you. I don’t even know if he’s into boys, so please stop assuming that I’m dating him”, Marco told Hanji again, it was the same old story. Never ever let them know that you met someone.

“BUT you would like to date him, right?” Marco blushed at their remark and covered his face with his hands.

“Just ignore them, especially when they are as noisy as today. Hanji, what did I say about harassing your employees” I officially decided that I was not going to survive this day. Did someone allow them to drink coffee?

“You’re such a bore, Levi”, Hanji said but dropped the topic, finally. I could practically feel how Marco relaxed. Poor boy.

We worked in silence for some time, the only noise was our clients’ chatter and the music that played softly in the background. Looks like Hanji had decided that today was time for the slow-playlist which actually didn’t fit to their mood at all.

The freckled boy, who was having his break right now, looked up from his mobile. “Uhm, Levi. Jean just wrote me that Eren asked him if he could ask me to ask you for your mobile number.”

“What?” I didn’t get what he had said right now. Marco looked like he was thinking about another way to express it until he said: “Eren wants your mobile number.”

I didn’t answer for a long time. Eren. Why did this name had to be a part of the past I didn’t want but had to forget.

“I guess, it’s ok. You’ve got my number, just send it to him”, I said finally. It couldn’t be too bad, could it? If it was really him, I wanted to know what had happened during those ten years, I decided. Maybe it will help me to fights the ghosts of the past.

“Omg, Levi, you’re actually trying to get in contact with that cute boy from the concert?!”, Hanji squeaked in delight. What had I said about ‘never telling them you’re seeing someone‘? I should add, that you better never tell them you’re in contact with any human being.

“Shut up.” My phone vibrated in my pocket and when I fished it out, it vibrated again

From: Unknown                     
[13:24] hey levi, im eren from the concert on friday  
[13:25] u r levi, right? I hope horseface didnt give me the wrong number

It had been a fucking bad idea to give my number to 17-year-old retarded idiot… Never heard of auto-correction? I sighed but wrote back anyway after saving his number in my phonebook.

To: Brat  
[13:27] Yes, it’s me. Are you too stupid to use auto-correction?

His answer came back only seconds later like I had expected. He was probably one of those kids who take the well-being of their social life more serious than their real life.

From: Brat  
[13:27] not stupid just lazy

He didn’t even give me the change to think about the connection between laziness and the use of an auto-correction when the phone chimed again.

From: Brat  
[13:28] as long as you know what i mean wheres the problem

To: Brat  
[13:30]Why exactly did I allow to give you my number?

From: Brat  
[13:31] idk   
[13:31] hey do u work in the same café as marco

“Ok, guys, I’m sure Hanji don’t mind if you text your boyfriends from time to time during work but, actually, you are here because they pay you to work. So could you two wipe that grin from your face – or curved lips, Levi, I’ll count that as grin, too – and could bring me some coffee? I’m a paying client”, a smooth deep voice I knew too well pulled me out of the conversation with that boy.

I looked up from the screen and faced two well-known ice-blue eyes.

“Hello Eyebrows”, I greeted him, “no, I’m not texting my boyfriend. Marco is.”

“He’s not my boyfriend!”, shouted Marco from the room behind the counter and I could imagine his blush.

“Whatever. So, can I get you an espresso as usually?”, I turned my attention back to the blonde man on the other side of the counter to who I nodded as answer. He always took an espresso then, when he had some time left to talk with me or Hanji, he would take a latte macchiato. Some rituals never die, I thought. He had started this kind of tradition when he was at a café even before we met over 10 years ago. And somehow we were still friends. Like I said, some people were immune to my death-glares and foul-mouthed comments because they knew me for such a long time.

While the machine was running I took a moment to answer Erens last message.

To: Brat  
[13:42] Yes, and unlike other people I have to work now.

From: Brat  
[13:43] i thought u died or something bc u didnt answer   
[13:43] hav fun at work greet marco and hanji from me

“Levi, the machine is ready. Stop flirting with your boyfriend”

“Oh, shut up, Eyebrows” Have I mentioned that, sometimes, I really hated humans?

* * *

 

The week slowly came to an end. Well, Friday, but close enough. During these few days Marco seemed like he had gotten in contact with the friends of the horseface and was now texting even more. Except when Jean was coming over when Freckle’s shift was over and they would just sit in the café and talk a bit. As long as he did his work, I didn’t care because he was a good boy and he would stop writing as soon as someone entered the café.

Everything would be fine, nice, great etc. Just like you expected life to be. Marco had gotten new friends (seriously, this boy needs to get out a bit more, he’s always working at one of his workplaces or taking care of his family) and that would it be (except from Eren pestering me with stupid messages (which were a nice distraction sometimes)).

Did I mention that Hanji was an idiot?

As soon as Marco told them that he had met Jean’s friends and had given them a description of their relationship constellations they had insisted on meeting them all. And in their opinion there would be no better place than the room behind the actual café. Fan-fucking-tastic.

You think a punk/gothic/etc.-café does not need a karaoke machine and party games in a second room which was equipped with many sofas you could actually rent in the evening? Well, that’s what I told Hanji as well when they started to think about how to design the café. And no, they didn’t listen. That’s why we have said room in the back of the café.

So Hanji had invited all of them to us in the evening. Yey. Joy. Another Friday night I would have to spend with too many people and too much noise because a certain maniac had decided that I would have to attend, too. Annie was still sick (or at least pretended so she didn’t have to join us) and Erwin had decided that there was another important meeting that weekend that that he had no time. What a pity. Asshole.

“Levi, don’t be so grumpy. I’m sure it will be fun with all those kids around. Which music you think I should play. Well, the three from the concert liked ‘Breached Walls’. Do you think the others will like it too? Marcoooooooo? What do you think? Oh, will you ask out Jean? I’m sure he would say yes.”

Marco groaned but ignored Hanji, just like I did. I’m sure he had thought about that option but we’re talking about freckled Jesus. He would wait until he was one hundred percent sure. He was quiet today; you could practically see the thoughts running around in his mind.

“Levi, which music?”, they asked again.

“I don’t fucking care”, I gave back. I was still more or less overwhelmed by the thought of spending the night with kids. Shitty kids that were at least 10 years younger than us. Hanji and I would be the oldest with so much distance to the kids and even Marco would probably be older than the average.

I was just making another coffee for a costumer when my phone chimed. Looked like Eren’s lesson had ended.

From: Brat  
[12:54] school sucks  
[12:55] heeeey im goin to see u this evening

To: Brat  
[12:57] Oh, joy? I know that so why do you tell me this again?

From: Brat  
[13:00] Idk youll like my friends

To: Brat  
[13:02] I hope they have a bit more brain cells than you. Otherwise I wouldn’t know how to deal with a bunch of stupid kids.

From: Brat  
[13:03] u r mean

To: Brat  
[13:04] Tell me something I didn’t know by now.

“What do you think, Levi, maybe I should take the playlist with the music you hear in the radio every day. Maybe they just listen to mainstream.”

To: Brat  
[13:04] Hanji keeps pestering me about your preferred music this evening. Don’t tell me your friends listen to mainstream-crap. Then you can stay at home.

* * *

 

First impression of these kids? A bunch of crazy people.

Horseface from the concert was the first one who entered the café along with a small guy with a buzz-cut (who looked like he was even smaller than me) and a brunette girl with a big ass backpack. They were all nearly crushed by Hanji’s hug and although Marco tried to be composed he was a smiling mess. Just get married already, you two.

As next came four people, two girls who couldn’t be more opposing and two boys, one of them bulky and blonde and the other one very tall. They seemed to be Erens and Jean’s friends as well because the small boy greeted them and showed them where Marco, horseface and brunette had gone, the backroom with the sofas. In meantime I had found out what the brunette had in her backpack: Enough potato chips for a whole army. And I got the bad feeling that she would eat them all this evening.

The last one who arrived was Eren, together with a small blonde boy. I had the feeling that I knew him from somewhere. The black-haired girl, Mikasa, wasn’t with them tonight.

Eren’s smile brightened when he saw me. “Hey Levi! Let me introduce you to Armin, he’s my best friend since ages”, he told me and then said to the boy with the baby-blue eyes: “Armin, this is Levi, the guy from the concert I had mentioned.”

Armin nodded and maybe wanted to say something but they both were suddenly pulled into a hug by Hanji. One day when I’ve got much time, I’ll try to tell them that they can’t just pull random people into embraces. I suddenly remembered that the Eren I had known back then had a friend called Armin with the same blonde hair and blue eyes. Could they be the same?

“Eren, good to see you, and nice to meet you, one-of-Erens-friends!!”, she said grinning. Terrified is maybe the best expression to describe how Armin looked right now. I was afraid he would stay in his shock but then that blonde hulk came to us and patted the small boy on the shoulder.

“Ah, Reiner, could you please go to the others with Armin to show him where they are? I’ll come soon”, Eren saved his blue-eyed friend from a hyperactive Hanji who couldn’t wait to interrogate all of Eren’s friends. That’s probably why they followed the two blondes.

“Uhm.. hey Levi”, Eren began gazing at me with his damn puppy-eyes but then suddenly everything seemed to be more interesting around me and he looked away and began to gnaw slightly at the skin at his thumb. Seemed to be a strange habit of him. “Nice to see you again and not only see what you wrote. I.. wanted to apologize about the things I said at the concert.”

“You’re actually not sorry, are you?” His teal eyes snapped back to me and he fucking grinned.

“You’re right, but Mikasa told me I have to apologize or otherwise she would hit me, she said. And believe me, she knows when I lie. But now I that you heard it: You actually were an ass as well. So, nope, I’m not sorry. Deal with it.” Somehow, I liked that boy.

“Mikasa? You girlfriend?” Eren gaped at me for a few seconds in something that could be disbelief and then started to laugh. Hell, his laugher was beautiful although I had no idea why he was laughing.

“Oi, brat---”, I began but the boy interrupted me. “Sorry, but it’s funny how many people think that Mikasa and I are together. You’ve only met me and her once and are already assuming that. Ah, no. She’s actually my sister.”

Now it was my turn to stare at him. Because the Eren I knew did definitely NOT have a sister. First, the person I knew as his mom would not be able to give a second birth. Second, I was sure that she was older than him, so I should know her. And finally, they did not look alike at all.

“Seriously? You don’t look like siblings at all”, I told him. Wasn’t the best question, I think but, hey, I couldn’t go ask him if his mother was able to get pregnant again. Or could it mean that his father divorced from his mother and remarried?

“Ever heard of a thing called adoption?” Oh. They went this way again.

“Anyway, I apologized and now, can we go to the others? I’m sick of standing around” Eren turned around and went to the others in the backroom and I followed him. Hanji was already in an apparently very interesting and exciting conversation with Armin, who still looked a bit scared. I couldn’t blame that kid. Marco was sitting with Jean on the other side of this sofa, talking with that giant boy who came in earlier.

“Hey, Marco! Nice to see you. Do you already know Bertholdt and Reiner?”, the stupid brat was calling out when he walking towards the small group. The freckled boy smiled and nodded. “Actually, Bertholdt and I know each other from the animal shelter. We’re both working there.”

I looked around in the room. And I really was supposed to spend here the whole evening? Seriously, I don’t know any of them. And they are young shitheads. Eren seemed to think otherwise. He acted like he had known me for years and started to introduce me to all of his friends. Still won’t help me to survive that evening, I thought.

In the end, I decided to sit down at the furthest place away from the rest of the group and silently began to count the seconds until I would be able to go home. If you didn’t get it by now: I wasn’t sociable at all. So don’t expect me to be big fun at a party. Hell, give me a small dark room where I can be alone, I will be ten times more content than in a group.

Hanji, on the other hand, was with their eccentric way the center of all conversations: they knew about the things kids liked these days (otherwise they wouldn’t be able to run a café where people actually wanted to be) and they were honestly interested in what the brats said.

I began to drift off by listening to the music (Hanji hadn’t chosen the mainstream-playlist, thank god) and watching the other ones around me, when I saw a person standing next to me. I looked up and, guess what, Mr. Bright Eyes stood there grinning.

“Do you mind if I sit here?”

“There are other places, you don’t have to sit here away from your group”, I told him and hoped that he would get the hint.

“Naaw, Connie decided that he would need the whole sofa for himself. And… actually, I want to sit with you.” He plopped down next to me and smiled but could see a bit of concern in his eyes. This boy has always been so easy to read. “Are you ok, Levi?”

Thank you for asking, yes, of course I’m fucking fine, except from the pulsing headache you and your friends are giving me and the pain in my hips that came from sitting too long, I thought but didn’t say it. “I’m fine”, I lied.

Eren seemed not to be content with my answer but didn’t question it further. ”That’s good, I think. Hey, I don’t know your second name. Mine’s Jäger.” Smooth, brat, very smooth. I tried to hide my surprise. Well, not really surprise, it was just an awkward confirmation that this Eren Jäger was – with a likelihood of about 100% - the same boy I had met ten years ago.

“That’s because you I never told you”, I gave back, “and I’m not going to tell you.”

“Seriously? What’s your problem with that? It’s not like I’m going to stalk you. You’re not a secret agent who isn’t allowed to give away his identity, are you? That would be really cool.”

“No, I’m not a secret agent, you idiot. Ever seen an agent with a punk outfit as cover? You know what? I’m actually one of those superheroes who mustn’t give away their identity because otherwise I would die or some shit like that.” Eren stared at me. I mean, really stared. That his big eyes didn’t pop out of his head was all. “Oi, are you ok?”

He snapped out of his flashback or whatever this had been. “Yeah.. I’m.. I’m ok, I just thought that I remembered something. Like a déjà vu. Haha… oh man, that’s stupid.” He shook his head as he laughed without humor. What could he possibly remember?

“But seriously, why don’t you want to give me your second name? You know already mine.” Did he really think it was this easy?

I hated my last name. Both of them. The first one had been the one of my real family. Real… not really. I had never seen him as my father; my mother had died shortly after my fourth birthday. She fell down the stairs and broke her neck, the official reports said. However, one night, when my father had been especially drunk and he had thought I was unconscious from his hits and kicks, he had said: “I should have just killed you like I killed your worthless mother.” From that night on, I never ever wanted to see him again, I had tried to run away because I couldn’t talk to anyone about this but it had taken five more years until they noticed the infected burn on my neck where the person who should care for me had put out his cigarette. I had been finally taken away from him.

My second last name was something I had been proud of. They had been such a nice family, the mother was caring and loved me like she did love her own son who had accepted me as brother. However, my new father had never accepted that I was gay and had thrown me out of the house with only a few belongings. My new mom hadn’t had the courage to go against her husband and so I had left my second name behind as well. Of course I still had it on my ID card and my driver license but I hated it. Eren shouldn’t know what happened; I didn’t want to know what would happen if I did.

“If you want a second name so badly, just call me ‘Corporal’, Eren”, I said to him, drawing out the last words more sensual than necessary. Let me have my little fun, too. The face of the green-eyed boy changed from light pink to a deep shade of red. Huh, so I could tease him like this.

“I don’t believe that this is your real name, Levi. It sounds more like the show name of someone who works in a BDSM-club”, he groaned in annoyance.

“You asked for it, brat.”

“I’m not a brat... But if you prefer this name, maybe I should call you by it, Corporal~.” He leaned closer towards me with his eyelids on half-mast, a faint grin on his slightly opened mouth. Holy shit. Nope. No. Fucking no. That was not how it was supposed to work. He was not supposed to tease me back and it should not turn me on like that. “What the --”

I was once again interrupted by Eren’s genuine laughter. “You should have seen your face, it was priceless!”, he somehow said between taking gulps of air and laughing.

“You’re an asshole, brat”, I huffed, maybe with a hint of a smile on my lips.

“Noted.”

 

The rest of the night was actually okay. Eren had forced me to sit with his friends so that in the end, we had a circle of half of us sitting on the biggest sofa and the other half sitting on the floor. In the middle Hanji had put some candles, I didn’t even asked where it suddenly came from. Since nobody had bothered to bring alcohol with them it resembled more a meeting with some kind of campfire. Only a fucking guitar was missing but, well, we had loudspeakers.

Or we were about to do some occult rituals. Could be fun. I could already picture Hanji drawing mystic symbols of the floor while saying some magic spells.

Unfortunately – or fortunately – this wasn’t happening and we just sat there and were telling stories or simply talking to each other, which was kind of nice. The brunette girl, Sasha, seriously ate all the 14 packs of chips she had with her completely. Well, 13, she allowed us to eat from her apparently holy supply of potato chips. How she managed to fit all of them in her stomach, I don’t know it until today.

I was really relieved to see that Eren was so comfortable around his friends since half of them were not straight. The small blonde girl was practically lying on top of the other girl that had freckles. And I had noticed that Reiner had his arm around Bertholdt.

I would never forgive his parents if they had made their son a homophobic asshole; it had been one of my greatest fears for him since I had made the experience.

Marco was trying his luck as well, as far as it was possible. He was maybe sitting a bit too close to Jean and had his arm on the backrest of the sofa behind him. I didn’t know if horseface had even noticed it but he didn’t seem to mind. I really wished Marco luck, that boy needed to get laid.

* * *

 

It was a few days later when the whole drama happened. It was a sunny Tuesday morning – finally because it had been raining for three days non-stop - and I was working in the “106th trainee squad”. I was making a coffee to go for my client and Hanji was sitting in the café to talk a bit with Erwin who – oh surprise – just came back from a business trip abroad. That guy should stay at home and act like a proper boyfriend but no, his job was too important and I wondered how his relationship with his lover even lasted.

The bell above the door was chiming and I expected to see another costumer. I looked up… but saw Marco and he was definitely not in his best shape: He looked like he was going to cry every second and his whole body was trembling.

Hanji stood up and ran over to him before he could collapse on the floor. Even from the counter I heard what he was whispering: “He said ’no’”

* * *

 

From: horseface  
Eren can I come over? I think I fucked up things with Marco


	5. Dear You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys put things straight (or rather not-straight) and Levi learns more about Eren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi out there! Thank you for all the feedback for the last chapter.  
> Just a small notice that Levi is not dating Erwin, I'm sorry if it sounded like this.  
> Aaaaaaaaaaand this chapter is beta-read by Ann-Nicole/ popcorn-and-starbursts.tumblr.com. Thank you!  
> Well, that's all I have to say, enjoy this chapter and I'll hopefully see you in two weeks again!

Marco calmed down after a while when Hanji had brought a cup of hot chocolate and they had sat down. He was drinking his beverage – I could see the small tremor that made the brown liquid tremble – between many apologies for the inconvenience and the trouble. I had never seen this boy so shaken up, the horseface didn’t just say ‘no’. When Erwin said goodbye to get back to work or wherever and left, Hanji finally dared to ask what had happened and Marco told us.

He had met with Jean yesterday and when the dark-blonde boy had decided to go home he had asked Marco if he wanted to spend the night at his house, because his roommate had his girlfriend over. Marco didn’t want to disturb them, so he always stayed away from their apartment as long as possible. He had accepted Jean’s offer happily and they had driven to his house.

“They have a really big house, I think his parents must be rich but they were not at home. That was why we were playing on his PS3 until midnight. His lesson always starts later on Tuesdays and he stays awake longer and gets up later. Anyway, well.. During breakfast…. I kind of decided to kiss him. OMG, that’s so stupid. I’m so sorry that you have to listen. It’s so embarrassing and stupid. And I thought it was alright because he kind of reacted in a good way at but suddenly he pushed me away and told me that he’s not gay and that he didn’t like me in that way”, Marco finished blurting out what had happened and became silent again, sipping his hot chocolate while Hanji was drawing circles on his back.

“You mean that guy was acting like that for the last few weeks and now he tells you this bullshit?”, I sneered when the information he had given me finally sank in.

“It’s my fault; I shouldn’t have done anything without thinking first. He didn’t do anything wrong. I’ll just stay away from him for a while and maybe he’ll want to stay my friend, if I’m lucky.”

“Give me your phone”, I demanded. Hanji and Marco looked at me in surprise like I had just announced that I grew a few centimeters. “What?”

“Nono, it’s really ok, Levi. It’s nothing but a stupid crush, I-I’ll get over it. Really”, he insisted but I could see him breaking slowly. I knew that Marco was strong, he supported his whole family, four siblings as well as his parents. He was living in a small apartment he had rented with a friend of so he wouldn’t impose his parents anymore and had three fucking jobs to pay bills and living. However, this was something different and Marco really shouldn’t be turned down by that horseface like it was nothing. Either Jean was as dense as he looked or Marco didn’t deserve him at all.

“Give me your phone, Marco. I have to talk to that dumbfuck.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket in defeat and handed it to me after unlocking it. I opened the phonebook and picked Jean’s number. Someone accepted the call after a long time of ringing.

“Marco?”, this someone asked and it was not pony-boy.

“Eren?”, I wondered. Why did he have Jean’s phone?

“Uhm… Levi? Why did you call Jean with Marco’s phone?” Nice to know that he was as irritated as I was but he had the answer to my question and I had the answer to his question. Made us equal, I think. However, it was nice to hear him again. He did seem to be brainless but I hoped that I could speak with him better than with Jean.

“One of my co-workers is close to a mental breakdown and I just wanted to make sure that a certain somebody who caused it knows what they’ve done”, I explained to Eren, barely holding my anger in control. I was pissed about the situation.

“That’s why you’re calling Jean from Marco’s mobile, right?” Smart brat. “Yeah, Jean came over and is in his _Let-me-die-in-peace-I-fucked-up-so-badly-I’m-frustrated-phase_ , that’s why I had to pick up the phone. Guess Marco is not the only one who is down right now. What the fuck actually happened? Jean just said that he fucked up.”

“He practically shoved Marco away after they were lip locking and told freckles that he was not gay.” By now, I was standing outside the café at its backside because Marco didn’t have to listen. It was dirty here again and it distracted me a bit. Maybe I should clean up when I had my day-off. Hanji probably wouldn’t even find the broom.

“He did what?! Sorry, wait a moment”, Eren shifted the mobile and I heard some rustling on the other end of the line and then his voice again farther away. “Jean? Seriously? Levi just told me what you’ve done to Marco. Are you totally stupid?” Mumbling, probably Jean. “No, that doesn’t count as excuse. You’re going to apologize to him. Now. We’re going.” Rustling again and I heard Eren’s voice clear again.

“Levi, Marco’s at the café as usual, right? I’ll come over with Jean now, can you prepare Marco so he won’t freak out or something? Can Marco even freak out? I mean, he’s like a saint or something. Anyway, just tell him we’re coming. Jean is an idiot but they will work it out.” His voice sounded calm and steady in the end, it was like he was really sure about what he had said.

“Ok, see you then, brat.” Before Eren could protest that he wasn’t a brat in his opinion, I disconnected the line and went back inside.

“Eren wants to bring Jean over, you two have to talk”, I explained to Marco, who was looking together with Hanji at me expectantly. The freckled boy just nodded and laid his head in his arms, waiting for the other two to arrive.

I could hear those two idiots arguing loudly even before they entered the café. Hanji and I gave Marco a last reassuring pat on his shoulder and disappeared in the backroom, nearly at the same time when Jean and Eren opened the door.

“Hey Marco”, I heard the dark-blonde boy saying, “I’m sorry about my reaction before, I didn’t meant to be rude, I-I just didn’t think. Ahm.. Do you maybe wanna go for a walk with me? I’d like to talk with you.” I could imagine Marco’s smile which was always shy but kind, a small nod and then – the scratching of a chair on the floor – he stood up and probably followed Jean outside. When I was sure that they were gone I picked up whatever we would need at the counter and walked back. To see that Eren was leaning against said counter and grinning at me.

“You still here?”, I asked. Yes, smooth, I know.

“Wow, didn’t expect you would be this nice when I saved your co-worker from a mental breakdown, to quote you. Can’t I at least get a free coffee or something like that? How about ‘I’ll thank you forever for saving Marco, Eren. Can I give you a free coffee?’? That would be really cool.”, he said with that cocky smile in his face I wanted to wipe off so badly.

“Forget it, brat. It’s not even sure that your friend won’t screw up again. Seems like he’s really good at doing so.”

The boy with the teal eyes in front of me sighed and pulled a few coins out of his pocket. “Then a chai latte, please. And yes, Jean’s brilliant at it. Last time he had a girlfriend he was flirting with Christa, he didn’t know by then, while Ymir and his girlfriend were practically standing next to him. Didn’t end that well. And he’s still after my sister.” I made his order while listening to his stories and he sat down at the table closest to where I was working. “Same girl then finally turned him down when she found out that he had a picture of my sister in his wallet. Well, it had been one of the photos we’ve made in a photo booth, when we were having a vacation in Germany which means I was in the photo as well but she was pretty offended and broke up.”

“Maybe she thought that he was cheating on her with you”, I said when I brought him his chai latte. Eren rolled his eyes dramatically and made gagging noises.

“Me and horseface?! No, Levi, that’s not funny. Something really terrible would have to happen before I would go out with him freely”, he sounded really offended but the smirk and the glint in his big eyes told me that he wasn’t mad. I stayed at Eren’s table for a while because I knew that the few customers wouldn’t need anything soon.

“By the way, shouldn’t you guys be in school right now?” Eren shook his head after he had looked at the clock.

“Naw, not today. I have no school on Tuesdays and Jean called sick. One day more of less school doesn’t make a difference, in my opinion. What we learn is senseless anyway”, the boy explained. He was just a normal teenage boy in the end. I thought back at my school time and I remember that I hated it as well. Boring lessons and I had felt like the whole school consisted of dumb close-minded assholes.

“Hey, Levi”, the brat began, “uhm… when do you have lunch break?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Isn’t that obvious?”

“Ok, kid, let’s get this straight: I’m sure that I’m not very entertaining and I have no clue what brats like you like nowadays, so there’s no point in trying to have lunch with me. Find someone who’s actually your age and not nearly ten years older and not the fun killer I am. Understand?” Hell, what did he expect? Could he not just hang out with others in his age? Well, Marco was younger than me as well but he was my co-worker, so that was something completely different.

Eren didn’t answer at once but stared at me in confusion blinking. “Wait… how old are you?”

“I asked you if you understood that you should go to find someone else to bother.”

“No, tell me, how old are you?”

“Why are you so persistent?”

“Because I can?”

“You’re as annoying as Hanji, do you know that?”

“I guessed so. Please, Levi. I want to know, pleaaaaaase”, he said pleading with those puppy eyes. Did I mention that he always got me with them?

“27.”

“Wow.. Seriously? I thought you were much younger. Like… I don’t know…21? Maybe it’s the eyeliner that lets you look so young.” Oh great. He thought I was six years younger. How wrong could the estimate of a person’s age be?

Part of me hoped that he would take a step back already. He now knew that there were ten years between us, so why would he want stay here? He didn’t know who I really am and I didn’t want him to know, so it was only for the best if he stays away. However, the other part of me wanted to be with that bright eyed boy. Get to know him, again, and all of that.

I was already walking away to ask the other customers if they need anything when Eren spoke up again.

“Wait, you still haven’t told me when your lunch break is!” Stupid brat.

“12:15. But I usually don’t go out for lunch”, I said without turning back.

“Then you’ll have to make an exception.” Eren left the 104th Trainee Squad with the unspoken promise to come back in two hours.

I looked after him when he crossed the street and finally left my focus. I guessed that he lived close to the café because he was too young to have a car and he came here with Jean pretty fast after our talk on phone.

Suddenly I was pulled into a hug from behind that was nearly strong enough to knock me and my attacker over.

“OMG, Leviiiiiii~ You’re looking after the cutiepie? Since when are you two so close? You are going to have lunch with him, right? Right? Gosh, that would be so cute, Levi. You like that boy, yes? Ah, come on, I know that look in the eyes of my favorite midget.”

Said look in the eyes right now was the best death-glare I could manage.

“Hanji, no. First of all, let go. I’m sure one day we’ll lose all our customers because you can’t behave. Second, I don’t have the hots for him. He’s trying to get into my life, not the other way round. So stop grinning like the idiot you are.” Of course this would start again. Marco and Annie weren’t the only ones who suffered from Hanji’s match-making.

“But you’re _letting_ him in your life, aren’t you?”, Hanji asked and I stopped dead in my tracks. Was I? Hanji chuckled behind me, still not letting me go. “I know you are and I know you don’t like it but maybe you should give it a try. When was the last time you let someone close to you? I’m just concerned about you. Since Petra died you’re even afraid of making friends. You shouldn’t let your heart become cold. I know a lot of shit happened but you should go on, ok?”

I sighed in defeat and turned around to hug them back. When Hanji comforted me they always knew which buttons they had to press in order not to make me angry and give me advice at the same time.

“I know”, I said and I knew they were smiling, “but this is different, Hanji. Give me some time, ok?”

“Alright. Give that cutie a chance, Levi.” Hanji finally let go and walked around in the café to do whatever. Maybe I should but still, I wasn’t sure what to do.

 

At quarter past twelve sharply, Eren stood in front of the counter and was waiting for me to put on my jacket.

“Whow, that are a lot of studs on your jacket. Did you make it yourself?”, he asked, genuinely interested in it. It was always exciting to see how easily you could read this boy’s emotions or thoughts by just looking at his face.

”No, it was a Christmas present from some friends a few years ago. I just added a few things here and there”, I said, “By the way, where do you plan to eat?”

Eren smiled at me. “Oh, don’t worry. I know a nice place only a few streets away. Sasha had been working there for a while last year. I promise you that it’s clean. And I’m inviting you, ok?”

“I can pay for myself.”

“No, I was the one who wanted to have lunch with you. It’s really ok.” Now I was feeling bad for not giving that brat a free coffee or something, like this because I hated it to be in other people’s debt. Why did he have to be so fucking persistent? I knew him well enough to know that it was not possible to stir him from his resolve.

“Whatever, brat”

“You never will stop calling me ‘brat’, will you? It’s annoying”, he complained once again and I actually started to like this little game of teasing him.

“Would you prefer lad or kid or little shit?”, I smirked and he bumped his shoulder on mine irritated but said nothing until we reached the place Eren had recommended.

It actually was a really nice place, just has he had said. Now at lunch time half of the chairs were occupied but it wasn’t loud nor did it smell like greasy food which was probably one of the best things. Nothing was worse than a restaurant where you could already smell the kitchen when you were still at the entrance. And not in a good way.

As soon as we entered all eyes were on us, of course. Take a normal teenage boy and punk and tell people not to stare. Believe me, they did not gaze at us because Eren was attractive (yes, he was, I won’t deny it). The kids would ask their parents why the man over there was wearing black clothes with studs and chains and their parents would tell them not to stare and ignore me, they would tell that it was maybe a homeless or someone who didn’t have a job because he did not finish school. Or maybe they would tell them that they just tried to be rebellious for stupid reasons and that the children should stay away. Humans were all the same but I was used to it.

Eren sat down at one of the last free tables at the window, so I sat down on the other side and took the card. We decided on Spaghetti Carbonara for me and a pizza for Eren.

“Do you not mind that the people are staring at us because of me?”, I inquired because I knew that not everyone liked it to be in the center of attention when they were with me. The green eyed boy shook his head.

“I don’t mind. Really, why should I? Even when I’m out with my friends, many people stare because of Ymir, Christa, Bertholdt and Reiner. It took me a time until I was used to it because, hey, they were staring at my friends as if they had a infecting illness or were aliens. By now I only get angry when they say hateful things. You can’t imagine how often Armin and Jean lectured me for throwing punches”, he explained to me.

“So that’s where the black eye you had at the concert came from?”

“Yes, I heard two guys from our school talking ill about Reiner and Bertholdt. I have it bad enough at home when it comes to this topic.” His puppy-eyes became this special color when he was sad and he looked at me as if he was unsure if he should tell me. I tried to look at him in a way to tell him that it was ok, although I was not sure if I succeeded in it but he continued anyway. “My parents are not as tolerant as I wished they were. They would comment on articles in the newspapers or reports on the TV but it really was hard for me when they found out that Bertholdt and Reiner were dating. It taken nearly half a year for my friends and me to persuade them to confess to each other. Bertholdt had been too shy and Reiner had no idea about dating-things when it came to boys. I hadn’t cared if they were to males or not because they were my friends. However, my parents thought totally different about it. Someone had seen them together and the news spread like a wildfire so my parents heard about it. They told me not to meet with them anymore because they thought it was sick and disgusting. I really had a long talk that evening with my Mum and my Dad in the end, I didn’t want to give up my friends and they didn’t accept my friend. It’s still an open wound and we don’t talk about it anymore. Well, I’ll just stay in my closet until I can move out and get away.”

Wait… what the fuck. He was not really…

“You’re gay?”

“Surprised?”, he smirked. Oh no. Nope. I didn’t sign up for that. I did not sign up for the fact that the son of the person who threw me out for being gay was gay as well. And it seemed like they hadn’t changed their opinion at all. Not to forget that the cute little boy I had known back then was now fucking attractive and I should not even think about shit like this. Just because you now knew that he was playing at the same side as you, it does not give you the permission to imagine things. Well, I had thought he was hot before I knew but… NO. Nope.

I couldn’t give him an answer because the waitress came with our food, asking us if we needed anything else. Well, a better situation would be nice if you had it. Take-away, please.

“Hey Levi?”, he asked between two bites of his pizza – please, let it be another topic - , “have you ever been to Shiganshina?” I tried to look as dispassionate as possible while I was chewing on my spaghetti which really tasted well. As long as I couldn’t see if Eren remembered our shared past or not, I didn’t want to confront him with it and although I was pretty sure by now, that he did not remember, he sometimes surprised me with questions again and again.

Shiganshina. Of course I had been there since I had lived there for 17 years: 16 years with my father and one year with my new family. Well, maybe 16 years with my father wasn’t that right. I only came home when I knew that my father wasn’t at home or when I really didn’t have another place to stay the night or the money I had taken from his wallet wasn’t enough. I had hated it to live with him.

“A few times”, I told Eren. “Why do you ask?” He shrugged with his shoulders and looked down at his hands. I was sure that his hand twitched and wanted to bite down again but apparently decided not to do it.

“I’m just curious. You know, I lived there for 12 years before we moved to Trost. My Dad was working in a hospital there and then got a promotion. Armin and Jean were living in Shiganshima, too, and Jean moved to Trost two years before I did because his parents bought a house in the better district of Trost and Armin moved here when his parents died to live with his grandfather.”

This meant that the Armin from elementary school back then, it was actually nice to know that the two boys were still friends after such a long time. I had never met him when he had been little, I just knew him from Eren’s drawings and a few photographs.

We ate in silence what gave me time to overthink the situation once again. Yes, I spend most of my time pondering on this topic. How the fuck did I end up in it, well, how did Eren AND I end up in this shitty situation?

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by Eren’s knee pressing against my own under the small table. I glared at him but his head was down and he was very concentrated on his pizza, still the tips of his ears were red. It was just a touch through two layers of fabric, it shouldn’t give me this funny feeling in my stomach (I’m not going to call it butterflies, that’s only something teenage girls with a crush have!) and I did not pull away but did not press back. The slight touch was still too close in a certain way but it felt nice. We didn’t speak during the rest of our lunch and sat in a comfortable silence, our knees stayed connected. However, at the same time we tensed every time his bright teal eyes met mine.

After Eren had paid, we walked back to the café 104th Trainee Squad. He was smiling at methe whole time and after our silence we were talking again about some light topics, especially Eren was rambling about school life. Four-eyes hugged us with her trademark maniac grin as soon as we were inside the café, asking us if we had fun. A grumbled “it was nice” from me and a thousand-watt-smile from Eren seemed to be enough explanation since they looked like their mind was somewhere completely else and they were nearly bursting to tell us.

“Ohohoh, Marco called me”, they grinned while they were bouncing up and down, “he said that he will come back later and pick up his stuff because he left them here. And he sounded so happy! Looks like everything worked out well.”

“Finally”, Eren and I said in unison.

“So.. I’ll go back home since Jean won’t show up that anytime soon, I guess. Uhm.. yeah.” He looked at me like he wanted to say or ask or do something more but decided against it. “Tell Marco I said hi”, he said smiling and walked to the door but turned back once again. “It was really nice to have lunch today with you, Levi.”


	6. Dear Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m sorry, Eren"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! So, the next chapter, I'm actually surprised that the story's has already reached its sixth chapter. Thank you kudos, comments and bookmarks, guys!  
> Beta-read by Ann-Nicole/popcorn-and-starbursts@tumblr.com, thanks ^^  
> (Changed the rating to mature to be on the save side)

Eren definitely didn’t expect what he saw in the evening two days later, Thursday: Me only wearing a pair of ripped, worn out, gray jeans and my hair disheveled due the shower I had just taken. And with “only” I really mean only, I hadn’t bothered to put on underwear and with “ripped”, I really mean ripped, I was still surprised that its pant legs hadn’t fallen off.

Well… I definitely didn’t expect what I saw: Eren fucking Jäger standing in front of my apartment door, clothes completely soaked, slightly panting and looking both lost and surprised. At least he was dressed… I’m sure he didn’t even realize that his eyes were roaming over the naked part of my body, only stopping at the tattoos and the two piercings at my collarbones, and the blush on his cheeks was intensifying more and more.

Luckily, I was the first one to find my composure again.

“How long do you intend to stare?”, I asked him and Eren snapped back into reality.

“I-I wasn’t staring!”, he shouted out in embarrassment, then added with an quieter voice and an apologizing look on his face: “Uh.. sorry for yelling. I sometimes get too loud when I’m… but I wasn’t staring, I swear!” He totally was, even now. “And it’s not my fault you’re wearing nothing but your pants. Do you always welcome the guests at your door topless?”

At the same time, I hoped that I was hiding my portion of embarrassment well enough. No, there was certainly nobody gazing at my body like it was food to a starving person. And this someone didn’t look bad himself but the sparkle in his eyes didn’t seem to be that…. Healthy. Stop thinking, Levi, I forced myself.

“Well sorry for taking a shower. I didn’t have you on my _being-socially-active-list_ for today, I’ve known Hanji long enough to know that they don’t care in which shape I’m in when I’m opening the door. At least you could have sent me a message or called.”, I protested.

“Well, sorry for disturbing your so perfect daily _being-socially-active-list_. I tried and if you’d look at your phone, you’d see. But somebody had to shower at the oddest time of the day and didn’t answer”, he gave back grinning and he definitely felt like he just had accomplished something extraordinary. If you ever consider sassing me as an accomplishment.

“Whatever brat. So… why are you here? I can’t remember giving you my address. And how did you enter the building without ringing the doorbell?”

“Yes, about that.” He took his drenched rucksack from his back and started to look for something in it while he was talking. “One of the residents was just leaving when I got here and he let me in, to answer your second question. To the first one: I was at the café today but Hanji told me that you had taken off after doing the shifts of that one girl, too, I think her name was Annie, wasn’t it? Anyway, Hanji asked me to bring something to you because they didn’t feel well and just wanted to get home to sleep. So, here I am aaaand…” He finally found what he had been looking for and hold it out to me with a grin, “here it is.”

I recognized the tiny box instantly. My sleeping pills for tonight and the pain killer for tomorrow. Normally, Hanji would give one of these boxes (and I them gave back after some time) to me after work before I went home or they or Erwin would come over to give them to me. I could understand why they were still this cautious when it came to my pills, I didn’t blame them for it. Although I was a bit pissed about the fact that Hanji had given them to the green-eyed boy for me. Only a few people ever brought me the box when neither Hanji nor Erwin had time and they had been people I trusted. But Eren? Sure, he was special to me and I trusted him… but it wasn’t his job and his story. Although I really didn’t want to give away some private details about my life to him, I already prepared myself mentally to tell him because he would ask until he’d find out.

I took the box and looked out of the window I could see from where I stood. “It’s raining?” I remembered that when I had started my shower, it had been cloudy but no rain. To my defense: It had been an hour ago.

“Well no shit. No, I always walk around in drenched clothes, you know”, he gave back with a smirk and a roll of his eyes.

“Did you walk the whole way from the café to here?” If he said ‘Yes’, I would say he was an idiot.

“Of course not. I rode to the café with my bike and I didn’t want to leave it there so I rode here with the bike as well. And it’s not that far away. When I left Hanji it hadn’t rained”, Eren explained to me. Ok, not a complete idiot but who rides a bike when the chance of raining is this high, it’s autumn after all. I had noticed that he had begun to shiver from the cold water in his clothes and hair and the corridor of the apartment complex wasn’t the warmest to begin with. Maybe I should put on a shirt before I’m the one who gets sick.

“Should I drive you home? I’m not going to let you ride through the rain again”, I suggested but he shook his head.

“Naw, it’s ok. It’s not raining that heavily, you really don’t have to drive. And if it gets worse, I’ll just take shelter somewhere.” I take back everything. He is a dumb fuck.

“… then come in.”

“What?!”, he exclaimed in disbelief. He hadn’t expected it at all, but what other possibilities did I have? It was raining, he was cold, and I might have a soft spot for him. Even I’m not a full-time asshole.

“Don’t make me repeat myself. You’re not going outside when the weather is this shitty. You can go home afterwards. If anyone’s expecting you anywhere, tell them you will come later”, I said and turned around, hoping that Eren would follow me. When I heard his footsteps behind me, I was kind of relieved. For a moment I had doubted that he would stay.

“Shoes off”, I commanded before he could bring any filth into my apartment. At the same time, I heard him gasping.

“Wow… that tattoo on your back is awesome.”

I knew to which one he was referring at an instant. It was the largest on my body after all: Two wings which spread over my back, one of them was dark blue, the other one black. Although it was it was the biggest, it had been my first tattoo, I got it at the same day as I had become 18 and four more tattoos had followed in the next 8 years. I had designed it myself because I didn’t want it to be normal wings: Its feathers were abstracted to longish rectangles.

“Thanks, I guess”, I muttered, “Just wait here for a second, I’ll be right back. Don’t you dare to touch anything!”

I left him standing at the entrance and went to my bedroom. It wasn’t big – hell, my whole apartment wasn’t really big – but it had enough space for one person to live here comfortably. I walked to the wardrobe and choose a shirt for myself first because I didn’t need Eren to stare even more.

Then I had to look in the bottom drawers to find what I was searching for, it was one of the pieces of clothing I would never use. It took some time until I found Erwins big-ass sweater he had left here at some point and I had been too lazy to give it back to him. And maybe he had left them here… a few years ago… He would probably not even fit into it anymore. I’m sure he didn’t even remember that I had it. Before I went back I picked up one of my spare towels.

Eren had waited patiently at the door tapping on his mobile. He looked up when he noticed me and looked kind of… disappointed. Because I was wearing a shirt now? Whatever.

“Here, you can wear this. You can go to the bathroom to change there, I’ll put your wet clothes on the heater to dry them afterwards”, I suggested. The brown haired boy took the jumper and raised an eyebrow.

“Ok, why do you have such a big sweater? It’s even bigger than my size.”

“My ex-boyfriend left it here and I always forget to give it back to him. You won’t fit in my clothes so deal with it if you want to stay warm. My bathroom’s over there” Eren just gave me a cocked grin and gave it back to me. Then he opened the zipper of his jacket, shrugged it off and pulled his own wet one over his head. That caused the shirt underneath to ride up. I could tell that he was doing all of that slower than necessary, especially since his eyes were locked on mine as long as possible. And believe me, he looked fucking hot. His movements, the slight outlines of his muscles, his hipbones, the tanned skin of his stomach as souvenir from the summer… I should have known that Eren was going to give me a payback for walking around topless. Well… fuck, I’m sure this is against the rules of the game.

Oh…

“Is that a fucking navel piercing, brat?” That boy does never not surprise me. He was seriously having a damn little silver stud down there.

“Now you’re the one who’s gawking. You know that’s rude, right?” He grinned at me while taking Erwin’s sweater from my hand and giving me his.

“Tch, but you just admitted that you were gazing.”

“I was not!”, he said with his voice muffled by the piece of clothing he was putting on. I bet he was blushing underneath.

“Thanks for the shirt… Don’t tell my family I’m having a piercing or I’ll kill you”, he said with both begging and threatening eyes. Yes, that was possible.

“Stop making those shitty puppy eyes. I don’t even know your parents, don’t worry.”

“Thanks”, Eren said once again and he really sounded serious and relieved. I hadn’t thought that his parents were this strict to him. I could remember Grisha being very strict but he had never been at home. Carla was way too nice to be strict but at the same time she had had no powers of self-assertion. Looks like things have changed. I wanted to ask him so many things but at the same time, I didn’t know how.

The sweater was still way too big for him but it was better than nothing. I gave him the towel and he began to dry his messy hair with it what only made it messier, then led him to the living room.

“Woah, it’s really tidy. So you don’t have any hobbies except from cleaning or how do you manage it?”, he asked astonished when he plopped down on the white sofa. Pretty sure that this brat had never seen a tidy room, what had he expected? Most of the furniture in my living room was in light colors or white, so cleaning was necessary. You see dust on white things faster than on dark things (Which didn’t stop me from regularly cleaning all the black things as well) The only black things in my living room were the TV and the coffee table in the middle of the room.

Hanji hadn’t approved my idea at all to use only these two colors because in their opinion it was too cold, but not everybody liked their house to look like an accumulation of crazy furniture from bulk garbage and from different centuries and different countries. So don’t be surprised to see a native African mask hanging next to the cupboard from the 70th in Germany covered with flower stickers in their kitchen. Just… ignore it. So, no wonder Hanji and I had different beliefs when it came to this.

“I bet your room looks like a shithole. Just because I’m able to keep things clean, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have any hobbies”, I gave back and sat down on the other edge of the sofa, taking my time to appreciate how cute Eren looked in that big-ass sweater and the disheveled hair. It slowly dawned on me that inviting the brat may have not been this ideal. Because my soft spot for him might grow more and more. And I was afraid of it. I couldn’t pinpoint of what exactly, but it was there.

“Hey, I keep my room clean! But it’s insane how tidy your apartment is. It’s nearly like my...”, suddenly, Eren trailed off and averted his eyes.

“Your what?”

“Nevermind” , he waved off and gave me a small smile. “So, what now?”

I shrugged with my shoulders since I actually had no idea. Yes, I had let him in, yes, I had told him not to ride home during this downpour. I hadn’t really thought about what we could do because I’m sure that 27-year old people did different things than those kiddies. When Hanji was over, we would mostly talk because Hanji always knew something new they totally had to tell me and when Erwin was over, we would talk, too, or I would watch him making a “proper dinner” as he called it. I had nothing against the shitty pre-cooked food but he had. It was a nice chance from time to time and I guessed that he was really concerned about Hanjis crazy theory that one day I will shrink because I don’t eat healthy enough.

I noticed that Eren was grinning at me like the idiot he was. “What?”

“I just have never seen you without eyeliner and styled hair, I still have to get used to it”, he grinned, “and you look intimidating with and without but I like it both ways.”

“Tch.” Fucking stupid brat. Seems like he loves to make inappropriate comments about other people. Sometimes I believe that it was kind of my influence when he had been younger but I was not sure since it had been ten years ago. And I didn’t know if I should be proud or not if I had had influence on him.

“Hey Levi”, Eren began – I had found out that this was his favorite thing to say when he started a new topic – , “why do you have a limp?”

I was baffled for a moment. Seeing that I had a limp was something not many people noticed because it was just a small one. Most people only realized it when I told them, the only ones who really knew it where Hanji, Erwin and his boyfriend. Sometimes I thought that Marco had noticed it as well but he was way too polite to ask. But Eren Jäger had to notice and had to ask as bluntly as fuck.

“You noticed?”, I asked him although he had answered this question beforehand. I just wanted to avoid my answer.

The brat nodded. “Yes, when we had lunch. I just didn’t want to ask back then. I’m just curious, you know.”

I leant back on the sofa and looked at him. I wasn’t angry about the fact that he had noticed. It was just… Although I had promised to myself not to let any person in my life anymore, here sat this damn kid in front of me, smiling with a hint of curiosity and waiting for my answer. I had tried to shut him out but at the same time I had allowed him to use the small back door at the walls around me. I had fucked up in so many different ways, in the past and right now and still, something was reluctant to change it.

“I was in a car crash two years ago, it had been really ugly.” Eren’s bright eyes widened and were suddenly filled with worry and sympathy.

“What happened?”, he asked quietly.

“We’ve been on a party at the house of a former classmate who had invited us for his birthday… We, Hanji, a friend and I had taken a taxi home since none of us would have been able to drive. And then, that damn crash. I don’t remember much of it but the other car rammed the taxi at the driver’s side, the autopsy afterward revealed that the driver of the car had been completely shitfaced and our driver had died immediately. I and my friends had more luck but the accident fucked up with my hips and my spine, the doctors said if the car had hit us in a slightly different ankle, I would probably be crippled. That’s why I have a limp and still have to take painkillers. Enough explanation?”

Eren nodded slowly like he was still progressing the information he just got. “I’m sorry”, he whispered finally, his eyes still so sad, I hated it. These eyes were supposed to shine like the sea.

“For what, brat? It’s been two years since it has happened, I could not change anything if I wanted to, you couldn’t change anything if you wanted to. And don’t tell me you’re sorry for asking. You always speak before you think, I’m kind of used to it and I’ve told you, so don’t be sorry.” When he didn’t react and it didn’t seem like he was going to argue with me in this point, I stood up to find something for dinner. I walked past Eren, told myself not to do anything but I couldn’t restrain myself and ran my fingers through his brown hair. He jerked a bit at the contact and looked after me as soon as my hand had left his head.

“What---”

His hair was really soft and still a bit damp.

“I’m hungry. Do you want to eat with me or do you have to go home? It’s not raining that heavily anymore but if you don’t have anything against noodles with packet sauce”, I told him. I have never seen his face lit up that fast.

“I’d like to stay. Dinner at home will be later and I can tell my parents that I’ve eaten at Armin’s home”, Eren explained with a nervous smile on his lips.

“Armin? That blond kid?”

“Yes, exactly him. He’s covering for me because I can’t tell my parents that I’m at the home of a stranger at the moment. I don’t think they’d approve because, nothing against you but you’re not the friend my parents would want for me: You’re a punk, you’re older than me and you’re gay or at least not straight. I don’t mind though, but I could never tell my parents. Uhm, should I help you in the kitchen?”

“Not really but you can keep company if you want to.” I was impressed how fast he had wanted to change the topic and I got the feeling that Eren always tried to avoid his family. Maybe I should ask him but he didn’t want to talk about it, did he? Sometimes Eren was like an open book but other times, I didn’t get him at all.

I continued the walk to the kitchen without waiting for Eren because I knew that he would follow me like a lost puppy. What I didn’t expect was that I was suddenly hugged from behind when I opened the cupboard to take out the noodles.

“Oi brat, what the f---”, I began but was cut off by Eren who buried his head in my shoulder.

“I’m.. sorry, I didn’t want to surprise you, I just didn’t know how else… I like you, Levi, really much. I don’t care if you’re a punk or not and that sometimes you’re quite an ass but I really, really, want to be with you. I—I want to know more about you and I want to spent as much time as possible with you. Gawd, I’m sure this sounds all so cliché but I had to tell you. Please, can I be with you?”

“Eren, I---”

“Please, Levi”, he breathed out shakily.

I forgot how to breathe. Like my whole mind was empty. I was sure that my heart also forgot how to beat. I stared at the cupboard in front of me but actually, I saw nothing.

I should have known that this could happen at some point. Hell, I even provoked it sometimes. Why? Why did I even allow Eren to come this close?

I wanted to say yes. I wanted to say it so badly. But I couldn’t. In another universe, I could. In an universe where I was not his abandoned and thrown out stepbrother, where his parents wouldn’t hate him when they found out, where he was not so much younger than I was, where things… just were different. Where certain things in the past hadn’t happened.

I could already feel Erens tense body crumple with disappointment. I couldn’t do this to him, I couldn’t do both of the options to him. He let his arms fall and took a step back so that I could turn around to face him. His big eyes were already brimmed with tears and it looked like they would overflow every second.

“I’m sorry, Eren, I can’t”, I whispered and reached out to him to wipe away the tears that were now flowing down his cheeks but he took another step backwards and wiped them away with the sleeve of that sweater that still was too big to him but now he was so lost in the mass of fabric.

“Huh?”, he made as he saw the moist fabric and then said, more to himself than to me: “I’m crying?” He wiped over his eyes again like he couldn’t believe it.

“Eren”, I said again to get his attention, “I know it’s not the answer you wanted but I can’t. I’m sorry, Eren.”

“Then why?”, he questioned quietly and it was stupid to pretend that I didn’t know what he was talking about. “Then why did you do those things? Why do you care so fucking much for me? Why did you let me be so bloody close to you when you just tell me that you can’t. Why? Why can’t you?!”, he snapped but only one moment later his eyes softened again.

“Sorry, I should just… I mean… sorry. I’ll just go, ok? I don’t want to be a nuisance. You probably don’t want to hear anything from me soon, right? Because hey, I just told you.. don’t you think it would be strange if we just did like nothing had happened?”, he tried to laugh but the smile didn’t even reach his sad eyes. I had broken that kid’s heart and still, I couldn’t help it. I was afraid, I was so fucking afraid of it.

Eren stripped out of the sweater and it was completely different from before, he just did it, no show, no nothing. Pulled of the jumper and took his own one – still moist – from the heater and put it on, then threw his jacket over it.

I still stood there, being thunderstruck and not knowing how to deal with the situation. I just watched him getting ready and walking back to me.

“I—I’ll tell none of my friends that you… rejected me so Hanji and Marco won’t come to know and won’t bother you, ok?” I dully noticed that I was nodding. What was I doing? Why did I feel this guilty?

Eren’s eyes hushed over my face before he leant in to press his lips softly on mine. My lungs forgot once again how to breathe and my heart forgot how to beat, again. His lips were slightly chapped and they were warm. It didn’t even last a second but it felt like electricity had flown through my whole system. Electricity that hurt so much. “I’m sorry”, Eren breathed again against my mouth and pulled away completely. He walked out of the kitchen and I heard the front door closing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, too ._. See you in two weeks.


	7. Dear Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking about memories, past and future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EARLY Update!! I will be away for one week so I have to upload a bit earlier.   
> And we hit 1000 views! You're amazing, guys! Thank you for all the nice comments and the feedback, I love you all! >w

**_ Dear Memory – Chapter Seven _ **

The music from the boxes in my bedroom definitely boomed through the whole apartment and even my neighbors already knew that I was in a bad mood, and I couldn’t care less. See it as payback for your loud house-parties till ass-crack dawn. So deal with it, at least my taste of music is better than yours.

I lay on my bed and was staring into the nowhere and at the same time at the posters on the wall while I was probably destroying my eardrums but by now they should be used to it. It was some kind of act of defiance, turning away from the reality and bothering everyone with it. Well, everyone who’s living around me. Must be hard to be my neighbor.

The MP3-player was connected to the stereo system, not one of my beloved CDs. I didn’t care what I was listening to, and CD would have meant that had to change it from time to time. I didn’t want to stand up. But, do you know the feeling that your music-player sends you a big “fuck you” and only plays music you don’t want to listen to? I do because – although my playlists were mostly organized – there were only stupid depressing love songs and other shit for at least one hour.

I actually didn’t know how long I’ve been lying here. I had around 2000 songs and none of them had played twice until now, I guess that’s a good sign. I didn’t bother to turn my head to the side to see my alarm clock, it would have been to frustrating to see how much time I had wasted with lying around and staring into spaces. I chuckled to myself: My teenage-depression-phase has been over for at least 7 years, hadn’t it?

And still, I was lying here and thinking about that damn brat and our shitty situation and guess what: I didn’t come to a solution. How pathetic.

Another damn song. I should stand up and… no. No. Getting up sounded like a bad idea. I want to rot and decay here. No… that would be filthy.

I hadn’t had any sleep last night. Well no shit, yes, I was having insomnia but I had taken the pills Eren had brought me and usually, they worked a bit. However, this night had been horrible. I just had wanted to forget, forget what a fucking asshole I could be. But no sleep at all meant always more time to think. Good thing was, I had no shift today, so I didn’t even have to call sick and tell Hanji the reason why.

I should stand up and do something, shouldn’t I. But the apartment was clean, I wasn’t hungry and all in all, there was no reason to stand up. If I called Hanji they would give me the “Why did you do that?”-speech I wasn’t prepared for. They had told me to give that kid a chance but how was I supposed to do so when he surprised me like this.

How was he doing? This was maybe one of the questions that bothered me most. And every time, this thought plopped up in my mind I wanted to text him or to call him but I was afraid that he could not want to speak with me. Hadn’t he said something like that yesterday? That it he couldn’t act like nothing had happened. I should have told him that this wouldn’t change anything although this was a lie. I should have told him that I just needed time to figure out.

I would probably still lay around if not for the damn shuffle-option on my MP3-player that started a certain song.

_… Stand up and fight for it_  
you can’t deny that it  
won’t be your last fight!  
but if you win, you’ll live!  
And isn’t that worth it?...

I groaned into the pillow that had ended up on my face at some point. This song. Well, not this particular song but the band woke up memories: The ‘Breached Walls’ concert with Hanji, Jean, Eren and his step-sister. The day when I had met him again. The evening fate had grinned at me and shoved Eren Jäger in my face with a “now it’s your problem, not mine”. The evening I had found out that cute little Bright eyes had become obnoxious, attractive, still cute, not-so-little Bright Eyes I hadn’t been prepared for.

The song kept playing but I couldn’t take it anymore. That damn thing will probably go on playing every single song of ‘Breached Walls’ just to fuck with me. I sat up, maybe a bit too abruptly, and a wave of dizziness washed over me. How long? I finally glanced at my clock and… well, 5 hours since I had stood up this morning for a shower and lay down again. It was around midday now.

The pain in my hip wasn’t as strong as I thought it would be when I stood up but it was still numbed by the painkillers, I guessed. However, its presence alone was enough to remind me of that accident again and again. The pain wasn’t even the worst thing, the memory that was connected to it was far worse. My hand went unconsciously to the tattoo above my right wrist: An infinity symbol with Hanjis and Erwin’s name above it and mine beneath. All three of us had it at the same place, it was a reminder of all that awful time we’ve been through and, still, survived but also a sign to never loose each other.

I noticed that I actually was hungry. I know I had said something different before but now, when I saw the world from another perspective (means: I’m not laying), I really could eat something. Well, I hadn’t had eaten since lunch yesterday, after Eren was gone, I didn’t have any appetite anymore. I could make something but I had other plans which was one of the reasons why I had even bothered to stand up – except from that song I silenced by now.

My mobile was still on the table in the living room like every day with a friendly reminder from Hanji to take my pills. Of course I had. Maybe I should tell them that I was an adult and that I could think for myself, thank you, but Hanji just cared for me and that was a nice thought from time to time. As annoying this shitty four-eyes might be, they were an important person to me. However, I wasn’t going to call her when I opened the telephone book on my mobile.

Mister Businessman was on his phone before I could count to three.

“Levi”, he acknowledged my call as formal as even human possible.

“Eyebrows”, I gave back with a small smirk on my lips. He would never change.

“Can I come over?”, I asked him. I was sure he was at home although I knew little about his working hours or if he was doing home office or something like that. It was just a feeling. Maybe I knew him too well.

“Sure, I’m at home. Is everything alright?”

“It’s ok”, I lied although Erwin had probably already noticed I was lying but he wouldn’t press the topic. That’s why I was calling him and not somebody else.

“Is Mike at home, too?”, I asked again. It’s not like I had anything against his boyfriend but I wanted to be able to talk to him in private.

“No, he’s working today”, was the short answer.

“Fine, I’ll be there in 20 minutes”, I didn’t wait for an answer before I cut the line.

 

20 minutes later, I was standing in front of Erwin’s apartment. The whole district he was living in was screaming wealth and money. Half of them drove one expensive car and the other half at least two. They would never know what it was like to decide if you should buy a new pair of jeans for the winter of a new pair of shoes. I know that rich people could be ok as well but some of them were real douchebags. I always felt out of place here, like I was stranded in a whole other universe with strange things who call themselves humans, too. The fact that my appearance scared most of them away didn’t make it any better.

At least the security guy who was guarding the building Eyebrows lived in knew me for a few years now and did never question my looks or asked me if I was sure that I belonged here. I remembered that he had once a stand-in who didn’t let me in the building because there was no way somebody in this building could know me. Erwin had been friendly enough to pick me up at the entrance after he had explained to that guy that I was his lover and besides the son of a very influential family. Well, I hadn’t been any of this at this moment but it was interesting to see how the stand-in suddenly chickened out and could be very polite and shit. I will never forget his face.

Erwin opened the apartment door and as soon as it was closed behind me I was leaning against him. Just let me stay here for a while. Erwin chuckled and wrapped his arms around my much smaller frame.

“This bad?” I nodded but didn’t say anything. I would explain later, right now, I just want to feel safe. Erwin might be my ex but more important: he was my friend and he was the person I trusted most. He was always the last resort when I felt down and today was a really shitty day for me.

When I breathed in through the nose I could smell him… but something else, too: Food.

“I’m hungry”, I complained to him and he chuckled again.

“Thought so. I cooked something because I know that you never eat enough.” He let his arms fall to his sides and motioned me to follow him into the dining room.

The interior will never stop to amaze me: It was a two-story-apartment with kitchen, dining room and living room in the first story and the second one with a bedroom, office, bathroom and a guestroom. And although Erwin never reached my level of cleanliness, it was nice.

“Tch. Playing perfect housewife or how do I have to understand your concern?”, I smirked while I put my combat boots next to the neatly set line of expensive business-leather-shoes. And two pairs of big-ass huge pink crocs. I will never ever understand why those two idiots had had the fucking stupid idea to give each other a pair of pink crocs as Christmas present.

“Just because I can cook compared to you, it doesn’t make me a housewife. Maybe you should learn it. One day you’ll starve because you don’t know how to cook”, he was mocking but it was not the first time we were having this discussion. By now, it was nothing more than a friendly reminder that I was incapable of cooking and feeding myself and that Erwin was an idiot.

“As long as instant ramen exist, I don’t see a reason why I should learn how to cook. Besides, it isn’t worth the afford for the last 40 years of my live”, I gave back and followed him into the dining room and sat down while Erwin was bringing two plates from the kitchen. Although I was teasing him about being a housewife, I couldn’t deny that he was able to cook: The chicken with rice smelled and tasted amazing.

We spoke little during our meal, what was normal for us but it was completely different from what I remembered having lunch with Eren. He just was someone who was talking the whole day and he was noisy, yes but it was nice to listen. He would never respect that I was somebody who didn’t talk much and would just keep asking questions. Erwin on the other hand had accepted that I was only talking when I really wanted to. Could be nice as well but in the silence I had more time to think again and I was already somewhere else with my thoughts. I really tried to enjoy the meal although there was this stupid feeling in my stomach.

I brought the two now empty plates back into the kitchen and put them into the dishwasher. Seriously, his kitchen could need some cleaning. I thought I had taught him something during the four years had been together but no, in my eyes it was not clean enough today. Didn’t he have a cleaner? I should talk to him. Or ask him to clean his house by myself. Later. I came here for other things.

When I was in the dining room once again, Erwin was nowhere to be seen so I went to the living room. He was already lying on the huge dark green sofa and was looking through something on his phone but put it back into his pocket when he noticed me.

I joined him wordlessly, lay down next to him with my head on his outstretched right arm and waited for him to put his arm around my waist to pull me closer. The only thing that separated us were my arms between us. I couldn’t see his face and he couldn’t see mine. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to talk about my feelings and problems. And I was a cuddler and I really needed some human contact right now.

Just because he had fucked me years ago, it did never mean that I would not want to stay close after our breakup after four years. It had been a mutual breakup and even now our cuddling didn’t mean I wanted to be with him again or that I wanted to have sex with him. Whatever feelings we had, had happened when we were younger, they were gone. And I wouldn’t even dare to try anything, Eyebrows had a great boyfriend now.

“Do you remember Eren Jäger?”, I asked after some silence and time for me overthink what to say.

“Of course I do, he is the son of the family who adopted you, isn’t he. I haven’t heard this name for years, my parents didn’t talk much about the Jägers after what had happened. Why do you ask?”

“I met him again. You remember the ‘Breached Walls’ concert? Marco’s boyfriend brought him along”, I started and Erwin was waiting for me to continue.

My fingers fidgeted with the fabric of his white shirt while I was talking. “I’m sure it’s him. His name isn’t that common and he looks like an older version of the small Eren. And there are other things like he is from Shiganshima, his father is a doctor and has a friend called Armin. He has a sister now but she’s adopted, too.

“I don’t think he remembers anything. Hell, it’s been ten years ago and he was fucking young and all that shit. He hasn’t told my anything about his past by now. Just that he and his family moved to Trost.

“He has become a totally dumb teenage boy, really. I can’t understand how he could change this much. Well, when he doesn’t act like a five-year old, he can be nice but most of the time he annoys me, especially since he knows my number.

“… So yesterday evening he stood in front of my apartment with my pills because Four-eyes didn’t bring them and suddenly that brat asks me if I wanted to go out with him. Out of the fucking blue! I screwed up. “ I was breathing heavily by now and tears were stinging in my eyes. I couldn’t say why, it’s been my fault.

I felt that Erwin nodded and his hand was rubbing circles against my back while he was pulling me closer. It was unusual for me to have word-vomits but when it happens, I can’t stop and I get pretty emotional, too. I can’t even remember how many of these attacks Erwin had to listen to in the last years but he had never been bothered by them.

“You said ‘no’, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. I feel like an asshole for doing so. I’m sure I broke his heart, you should have seen the brat. But at the same time. Shit… I can’t, I just can’t.” I hated to be so vulnerable, to lay down my feelings in front of somebody so openly because this somebody could hurt you so much. Sometimes I wondered if Erwin knew how much I trusted him.

“You haven’t told you that his parents were the one who had adopted you?”, he asked. His voice was calm but that could mean anything.

“No, I don’t even know if he remembers, let alone if he even wanted to remember. I hadn’t even said goodbye to him when I had seen him for the last time. Maybe he just thinks he likes me in this way because I remind him of his brother – if he even remembers. It’s just… ugh”, I stopped rambling since I knew that complaining didn’t help at all.

“That’s the reason why you’ve said no?”

“I don’t know but, yeah, I think you’re right. And he’s ten years younger. Ten fucking years. He’s a damn minor! Believe me, Erwin, Eren’s a really bad idea.”

“You weren’t even an adult when we were dating, too. That’s not your real problem, is it? I don’t think even Eren is the only reason”, Erwin said quietly and I knew what he meant.

Between my throw-out and the car crash, something else had happened. One of my closest friends had died after several months of illness; her death had thrown me completely off the track. It had been bad enough that she had died but I had promised to myself to never let anyone in my life again and I hadn’t even gotten over losing Eren. I had been utterly helpless, again.

“You’re thinking about Petra?”, I asked although I already knew the answer.

“Mhh… We all know what had happened after her death and I know that Petra was important to you and that Eren means much to you”, he explained.

I had thought that I could move on after I had had to leave Eren and before the cancer had been diagnosed but now? Losing someone loved and promising never to let anyone close again. Breaking this promise and getting hurt in the same way. Maybe Erwin was right. Maybe I was this damn scared because of all the things that had happened. And I should have realized that sooner.

“What about you? Petra was your girlfriend. How can you just live your life like nothing had happened.”

“That’s not right, Levi, and you know that. I still think about here but I had to move on, too”, Erwin explained, “I have my job, my family and my friends. I struggled for quite some time but I had to stop grieving. It’s not like I’m completely fine again, it still hurts to be at her grave. By the way, I’ve been there last week, said hi from you.

“Levi, this is not about me. It’s about you. I don’t know what exactly your feelings for Eren are but Hanji said that they feel a connection between the two of you. Don’t give him up again, let him teach you how to love again. I know you can.”

“Tch, was that sappy part necessary? Idiot”, I gave back and Erwin chuckled. Captain fucking America here to save your day with some shitty lines.

“Will you talk to him?”

“Yeah.”

“Fine.You want to stay for a while?”

“mhmh…”

Two things had become clear to me during our talk. First, I had rejected Eren because I was selfish. I didn’t want to lose Eren again when he found out. I didn’t want to get hurt again, I didn’t want to repeat what had happened for a third time. Second, I didn’t want Eren to get hurt because I had no idea how he would take it I told him who I am

We somehow decided not to stand up because why should we? I knew that Erwin had fallen asleep when his breath became even but I laid awake and tried to figure out what to do next. It was one of our quirks, maybe a leftover of our relationship, what the hell do I know, but I always spent a lot of time cuddling with him (more frequent than with Hanji (because they couldn’t lay still at all)) when I was down and we had talked with his boyfriend about it, he was fine with it.

Said boyfriend just came home from work and came into the living room (he hadn’t pulled off his filthy shoes, I had hoped that Erwin had trained him better). And said boyfriend saw me laying on the sofa with his current boyfriend, also known as my ex-boyfriend.

“I thought you were there, I could smell you even before I opened the door”, Mike mentioned with that smug grin on his face. If you described Erwin as huge, then you hadn’t seen Mike: He was even bigger than Eyebrows, had dirty-blonde hair that was parted in a stupid way and the most impressive sense of smell you could imagine.

“Sorry for monopolizing your boyfriend”, I said but he waved it off.

“It’s ok. Haven’t seen you at the tattoo parlor for some time, no desire for having another tattoo?” Mike was working as an tattoo artist, that’s how I got to know him because he was the one who had tattooed the two wings on my back as my first one and all the others afterwards. And now guess how Erwin meet him.

“I don’t have the money right now but I’ll visit you when I have decided that I need another one. Hey, do you--” I didn’t finish my question if I should have a tattoo on my right side or left because I saw something oddly familiar shimmer on his left hand. Well fuck…

“That ring--”, I started again but was interrupted by Erwin who – apparently – had just woken up.

“He knows about it.”

It was the ring Erwin had bought for Petra for an engagement never happened in the end: A plain silver ring with band of gold in its middle. He had really moved on, that only made it clearer to me. When my surprise about the fact that Mike was wearing the ring that was meant for Petra faded, I realized that Mike was wearing a damn engagement ring.

“Did you fucking propose to him?!”, I blurted out and it probably sounded harsher than it should but Erwin gave me a cocked eyebrow and a sly grin as I stared at him in disbelief.

“Wow, ok, you surprised me. Since when?”

“Last Saturday”

“Congrats, you idiot. That’s how to lose your freedom effectively”, I mocked as I sat up. Actually, I felt like I didn’t belong here anymore. Sure, Erwin was with Mike for a few years now but it felt different. Erwin had Mike, Mike had Erwin and I, well, I could have Eren. I still had to think about this tempting option. Or maybe I should open an hopeless-single-club with Hanji.

“Well, I’ll go home then. Thank you for letting me being here for a while, I’ll talk to him.” I didn’t wait for an answer, like always. I was not the person who was into huge goodbyes. When I put on my jacket I noticed that I forgot something important and went back to the living room where I heard Erwin speaking: “---he’s lovesick, that’s all.”

“Oi, Eyebrows, you’re worse than the gossip a floor beneath my apartment, can’t you shut your fu--- oh god, guys. You’re disgustingly sappy.” Erwin was still sitting on the sofa, hugging Mike’s legs and rested his head against his stomach while Mike was patting his head. Let me bleach my memory and mind, please. Again. It’s not the first time.

“Well, normally you just go home without saying goodbye, so your problem”, Mike gave back. I just flipped him and looked down to Erwin. “Can I get my pills?”

He just nodded and pointed to the bathroom. “On the shelf, left side.” I was impressed that he let me take my pills myself. One year ago he wouldn’t even let me close to its boxing. Shit had happened, you know. It felt nice to know that he trusted me this much again.

“Levi, you know that you’re always welcome here”, Erwin said when I was turned with my back towards him, “no matter what happens.”

“Thanks”, I mutterd. It was a thanks-for-telling-me, thanks-for-taking-care-of-me, thank-you-for-fucking-everything. He understood.

I grabbed a sleeping pill and a painkiller from the shelf and was out of the apartment. As much as I liked these two idiots, I didn’t need to watch them getting all cutesy over each other.

As soon as I was back inside my own four walls, I realized that I was all alone again which meant that my thoughts would wander too far again. Therefore, I settled for a rerun of a stupid sci-fi movie together with a bowl of popcorn and a beer.

Still, it didn’t take long to think about Eren again. It probably would be nice if he ways here, watching a (better) movie, snuggling together, sharing popcorn (I would never share my beer, don’t even dare to think so). Maybe kissing. Maybe letting hands wander south. Maybe…

What was this brat doing to me.

 

I didn’t call him that evening. I needed to think and I was sure that he had to think, too. Just let me assume it, ok?

On Saturday, I wrote him one message after deleting about 20 drafts:

To: Brat  
[10:43] I hope that we can still talk to each other.

It might be as clichéd as shit but every other draft had been cheesy.

On Sunday, I wrote four messages:

To: Brat  
[9:12] Don’t ignore me!  
[11:23] Are you still asleep or what?  
[3:41] You kids stick to your phones 24/7, don’t pretend you do not.  
[7:21] Hey, is everything alright?

On Monday morning, I wrote one message:

To: Brat  
[7:41] Just tell me you’re still alive. Don’t hate me.

He didn’t answer so I called him around midday when I was on my lunch break and hoped that Eren was as well. His phone was turned off.

To say I was concerned was an understatement. Eren never ignored my texts, usually he was the one who wrote first. I felt guilty. Did he ignore me because I said no the other day? Did something happen?

I did miss him.

I hadn’t met Marco in the last few days so he couldn’t even tell me if something had happened. I hoped that everything was alright. Still, I was surprised that I was this shaken up. Since when was I this attached to Eren. I couldn’t take it anymore and called Marco.

“Levi? Why are you calling? Is everything ok?” Typical Marco, the first one to worry about a situation.

“I’m fine”, I lied. “I was wondering if you knew something about Eren. He won’t answer my texts or calls.”

Marco was silent for a short while and I was afraid that the line was cut but then I heard him again. “About that. Please don’t freak out, Jean said it could be worse. Eren got in a fight today and they are at a hospital right now.”

I have never been out of the café this fast. After letting Hanji know where I was going.

 


	8. Dear Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren tells Levi the reason why he is in hospital. And the main reason is more serious than Levi could have imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi my lovely readers! I hope you're doing well.
> 
> Sorry again for the cliffhanger last time (I'm mean, I know). Thank you for the feedback, I enjoy reading every singe comment. Two weeks are long, but I need the time to write it and there are things like school and so on ^^'
> 
> I did some sketches of how I imagine Levi, here you go: http://flamerebel.tumblr.com/post/103222454959/ (had no blank paper, of course -.-)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like this chapter! See you in two weeks!  
> Beta'd by Ann-Nicole/ popcorn-and-starbursts.tumblr.com

Thanks to Marco, I knew which hospital to go to and that Jean would wait for me at the outside. He had written me a short message since I had killed the line as soon as I had heard what had happened. Then he wrote me about three messages that I still should drive save and should look out for the traffic and that Eren definitely isn’t in a life-threatening condition. Maybe he should not text me while I was driving.

Eren was in the hospital. From what I had heard it wasn’t a rare occasion but still… I was so damn concerned about the brat. Since when was he in hospital? Was this the reason why he hadn’t answered me? Or had he been in one of his stupid fights in school again?

I wouldn’t lose him, too, would I?

My fingers were tapping against the steering wheel in impatience and I let out a long breath. Why couldn’t the cars drive faster.

You’re exaggerating, my inner voice told me. It was nothing bad, at least Marco had said so, so why was I in such a hurry.

Maybe because I fucking cared for that idiot, that’s why.

I pulled into a parking lot in front of the so called Trost-Klinikum where I could already see Ponyboy waiting.

“I don’t even want to know how often you drive faster than allowed. Thought that it wasn’t possible to drive this fast from the café to the hospital”, he began with that grin on his face.

I wiped that stupid grin from his face with one of my death-glares and replaced it with a slightly horrified expression and a bobbing Adam’s apple.

“Don’t look at me like I was the one who beat Eren into hospital, I just brought him here after this fight, really. You can ask Armin if you don’t trust me.”

“Armin’s here, too?”, I asked and Jean shook his head.

“Was. He left about ten minutes ago.”, He answered, then turned around and walked inside the building, me trailing behind him. We walked through a few corridors before he stopped and looked expectantly at me. He didn’t stop because we reached our destination but to talk to me, I knew that.

“Ok, Levi. I have to talk to you. Well, more like Armin and I decided that one of us should talk to you. It’s about Eren” Well no shit Sherlock. I would have never guessed that.

“Shoot.”

“First of all: We all know that Eren can be a hotheaded idiot from time to time and most of the time he’s the one who starts a fight but today it wasn’t his fault at all. So don’t shout at him or something like that. Armin suspects that this could only trigger his outrages more. You and Eren just met a few weeks after Marco and I had met but Armin and I have known him since elementary school, you don’t know his complete history of fights. That this isn’t Erens first stay in a hospital should be common currency as well. He won’t even stay overnight, the doctors want watch him until this evening. So just don’t do anything that might be stupid, ok? You can be happy that you’re even allowed to be here. Eren told his sister that she mustn’t even come because they always end in a heated argument.

“Second thing is: Something seems to bother Eren enormously. He was spacing out the whole time in school today, looked like he hadn’t slept in months and so on. Armin and I still hope that you have nothing to do with this but it stands to reason. Don’t take it personally, we just don’t find another possible reason. We have a physically hurt Eren and don’t need a mental hurt Eren as well.”

Jean takes a deep breath, staring at the wall for some time and I wait for him to continue before looks down at me again. Since Jean and Armin didn’t know anything, it looks like Eren really didn’t talk to any of his friends and bottled it all up. Stupid kid. Although it was my fault as well. But Eren Jäger had to be an open book with his emotions so easily to read. No wonder they noticed that Eren was off today.

“Maybe you can talk to him. I don’t think it will help but you two seem to be close but on a different level than the others and I are. Maybe he opens up to you, I don’t know. Just remember what I’ve said.” When he was done speaking I nodded slowly. For me, the big question wasn’t if Eren would open up to me. It was if he would even want to talk to me.

“So where is he?”, I asked and Jean pointed to the door at the end of the corridor, next to the big window.

“Room 215, the doctors shouldn’t come for the next two hours, you’ve enough time without interrupting anything. I go back to foyer and probably won’t stick around for long anymore. If anything happens, you can always call Marco, I think. Should be somewhere around him”, Ponyboy explains with a slight blush on his face. Those two… (Why was I always surrounded by love-dovey people?)

“Alright” I turned around and walked to said room, hearing Jean mutter a “see you” before I heard his footsteps as well.

I knocked three times before I heard an ‘come in’ from Eren and opened the door. From how he stared at me from his hospital bed I could tell that he hadn’t expected me to be here at all. Surprise, Bright Eyes. He actually didn’t look too bad: Seemed like he had received a punch on his cheek which was red and swollen and his right arm was bandaged.

“Levi? What… how did you… why are you here?”, he spluttered in confusion and I stepped into the room where I sat down on the chair next to the bed. Eren didn’t look happy about my decision to stay but right now, he couldn’t change it and I wanted to stay.

“I was worried that you died because you didn’t answer my messages and calls. Marco then told me that you’re here”, I explained truthfully, I didn’t have any reason for lying to him.

Eren nodded slowly, processing the given information. “So is that… But why… I mean, why did you come, after my embarrassing act from last week, why are---”

“Oi brat,”, I interrupted him, “I never said that I never wanted to see you again, do you understand that. I still have no fucking idea what to do with you but you’re not going to ignore me because of that, ok?” Eren’s face lit up suddenly and he flashed me a genuine smile.

“Thank you.”

“So.. what happened this time?”, I asked propping my arms on my knees and resting my head on my hands. Eren’s smile faltered again.

“It doesn’t matter”, he muttered and began to nip at the skin beneath his thumb nervously. I huffed in annoyance.

“It does, Eren. I’m actually concerned about your ass, ok?”

“It wasn’t my fault so it doesn’t matter”

“Can’t you jus---”

“Don’t act like you understand! Everybody is like “I understand you perfectly although I have no idea what’s going on and now start to act fucking mature”! It’s not working like that, Levi. You don’t even know me!”, Eren shouted suddenly. His whole body shouted rage but he looked so hurt at the same time. I guess that’s what Jean meant with “don’t do anything stupid”.

“I’m sorry” is all I can say. Eren relaxed slightly and he probably just realized that he had shouted at me. I don’t know what happened to him in these ten years but his sudden anger was something new. I even felt a bit useless because of that.

“No, it’s ok… I-I’m sorry for shouting like this.” Eren whispered and brought up the courage to look up from his hands straight in my eyes. “It wasn’t my fault this time. They just wanted revenge for the fight some weeks ago. It wasn’t like they were much stronger than me, I just… I didn’t feel well this morning and didn’t fight back much. When they hit me it somehow caused a mild concussion. That’s why my Dad wants me to stay in the hospital until tonight to keep me under observation.”

So Grisha Jäger was here too. Probably because it was his fucking job. Great. I really didn’t want to see him anytime soon and already thought about fleeing but then I remembered that Jean had said I would have about two hours. Let’s hope that he was right and I wouldn’t have to deal with angry Dads because their sons where hanging around with punks.

Silence stretched between us two, I was staring at my hands and then from time to time to Eren who was looking straight at the wall, sometimes glancing at me and I just let him think. Not only because it’s rare for that brat to think but also because it seemed to be important.

“Hey Levi,” What did I just say? “Can I tell you something? I haven’t told anyone about this… because it’s stupid and most people would laugh. But I still think that I should tell you and I would really appreciate if you would listen.”

That really sounded serious. Eren was playing with the fabric of the blanket around his waist nervously and then started with his strange thumb-biting-habit again as I tried to get a hint what he was going to tell me. Talking with Eren right now was like walking on raw eggs: After my stunt on Friday and his stunt today I wasn’t really sure how far I was allowed to go or what would make him uncomfortable. It wasn’t like I had ever cared about this and my reputation but Eren would probably always be an exception.

Still, I shrugged my shoulders as if it wasn’t a big deal to me. “Fire away, kid.”

“Ok, but you mustn’t laugh or think I’m insane, promise me?” I nodded and he continued.

“Ok… I actually don’t know how to start properly. My mom can’t have another child, that’s why I am an only-child. Mikasa’s adopted. Maybe I was lonely before I had her or something like that, but I had… well… started to imagine a brother. 10 years older than me and uh… he looked a bit like you, Levi… Anyway, I don’t know why or when it started, but suddenly he was there and I even remember my parents telling me that he was adopted and sometimes I think that he had been really there.

“And one day, he was completely gone. Not only that I didn’t meet him anymore. I remember that I had pictures I had drawn in my room and they were gone, his room was empty, my parents didn’t know him. My Dad even threatened me with a psychologist if I didn’t stop talking about him.

“Then I started to write these letters to him. I was about eight years old and fucking stupid to think that when I write his name on the letter and put it into the letterbox he’ll get them. I asked him if he was real and if he would ever come back. When I noticed that he wouldn’t answer I stopped sending them but kept writing them. It was maybe the only way for me to cope with it.

“But it hasn’t been enough. I… I was just afraid that the day before hadn’t happened. That something was missing. That I had just imagined the day before with all the things that had happened. I started getting into fights. Back then I was fighting because Armin was weaker than I had been and had felt like I had to defend him. I was still in elementary school and I should be happy it has been my last year: I had so many fights that they wanted to throw me out. I was fighting for my friends but at the same time, I had another reason: Every fight reminded me that it was real. When I woke up the next morning I could be sure that everything had been real. Because the wounds were like the only thing they couldn’t take from me. When we moved to Trost, even the box with the letters to my fictive brother got lost and I really panicked. I know it was cruel towards my parents.. and even to my friends but I needed it. Maybe this had been one of the reasons why they adopted Mikasa, to keep me in my place.

“… I don’t know what to do, Levi. I just… I don’t. I need my family and they need me but every fucking day I hurt them because I’m hurt. Because still don’t know how to cope with this damn situation, even after 10 years. And then you appear suddenly. You remind me so much of him, you even act the same but I know that you’re not him and he never existed and I don’t even want to see you in him but at the same time---”

Eren’s voice broke finally and whatever he had wanted to say was covered by sobbing. His eyes were so fucking dull as he looked at me and they shone at the same time with unshed tears, looking at me like he was waiting for a reaction from me. He reminded me of the six year old boy I used to know.

I didn’t stand up or move. I was completely paralyzed by his words. He remembered. Eren fucking Jäger remembered everything that had happened when I had been his brother. And I had been so stupid to believe that I was the only one. I had thought that I could read him. Had I ever said that this boy surprised me again and again?

I felt relieved. He hadn’t forgotten. But at the same time the brought so much emotional baggage with his word vomit that weighed down on my shoulders. Did it mean that I was the reason why he was in hospital right now?

“Levi…”, came Eren’s weak and broken voice from his bed and I broke my eyes away from the non-existent spot on the wall. “… can you just… hold me for a while? .. ah, sorry, that was stupid. I’ll be ok, I thi---”

I cut him off by standing up and hugging him awkwardly while he was half-sitting on the hospital bed and I wasn’t the tallest human alive. Made things a bit complicated.

But Eren hugged back and began to cry and sob against my shoulder while I was ran my fingers through his messily brown hair.

“Haven’t you learned to use a tissue, brat?” Although Eren was still sobbing I could feel him smiling a little bit.

“Nice to know that that’s your only problem right now.”

“tch.”

Eren’s gross sobbing (I bet he was making my jacket filthy) faded out after some time but we still sat there is this uncomfortable and awkward position.

“Uh… Could you maybe take of your jacket? I actually don’t want to have the imprints of the studs in my face”, Eren commented after some time and let go off me so I could take it off. There were already small red marks on his face and his eyes were still red from crying but they looked brighter again.

I took of the jacket and put it neatly on the chair before I joined Eren on his bed again, sitting next to him. He turned his body so that he was half lying on my chest, still sitting next to me with his arms flung around my waist. Eren was really warm and a warm feeling started to erupt in my stomach.

“That‘s ok?”, Eren mumbled against the fabric of the shirt I was wearing and when I made an approving noise he even leaned more in the half-embrace of him hugging my waist and my arm around his shoulder while the other one itched to play with his hair until I gave in. I should not feel the urge to be closer than humanly possible to him. I shouldn’t feel the urge to kiss him.

“I think the worst thing is that I don’t know how to quit. Sometimes it feels like I should just give up.”, he mumbled after some time.

“That’s bullshit, Eren. Everything will be alright.”

He hugged me tighter and all I could do was mouthing “ _I’m sorry, Bright Eyes_ ”.


	9. Dear Ex-Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren come home from hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *waves* Two weeks are always sooo long....  
> I painted (again) for this fanfic, you can find it here on my tumblr blog: http://flamerebel.tumblr.com/post/113361448484/ 
> 
> Anyways, thank you for the feedback for the last chapter and I hope you enjoy this one!

The cool glass of the car window felt so wonderfully against my skin. I wanted home. Home and in my bed. Staying in the hospital for more than 12 hours was horrible enough. I wanted to get home and sleep.

“Are you hungry?”, my father asked. He had picked me up from my room after he had decided that I was stable now (I had been stable the whole time, it was just a concussion… and maybe some bruises) and his shift had ended and was now driving me home. I had written a message to Jean and Armin to tell them that I was heading home and Jean actually answered to tell me that he would take some notes for me and would give them to me (only if I buy him lunch when I’m in school again). Armin didn’t answer but I had expected that because he always went to bed pretty early.

I made some kind of noise that implied that I didn’t want to eat although I hadn’t eaten the whole day. But seriously, hospital is never the nicest surrounding and it didn’t made appetite at all. Damn hospital smell.

But hey, I hadn’t to go to school tomorrow, which was nice. Really nice. One full day of Internet, gaming, TV, and hopefully some food. Don’t expect me to do anything for school, I gave up that long ago.

I looked out of the window, at least I tried it where the fog of my breath didn’t cover the glass. The streetlights of Trost flashed by and in some houses you could see a few lights left on. It was nearly midnight after all and most of the people had to stand up early tomorrow. Well, you, but not me, I thought grinning.

Did Levi have to work tomorrow? Maybe I could sneak out of the house when Mum was shopping. I bet he would be surprised to see me. Not only because I had ignored him for the last couples of day. I knew it had been stupid but I hadn’t even read his messages so I had no idea what he had actually wanted to tell me. I had been kind of afraid that he had found his voice again and began to tell me how stupid I had acted. As if I didn’t know it.

However, I liked Levi. Not in the friend-kind-like, you know what I mean. It had started as stupid crush during the concert but, hell, it was worse now. I hope he hadn’t heard how hard my heart had beat today when he had hugged me. Believe me, the pulse of a mouse had been nothing against it. Gawd, I shouldn’t have enjoyed it this much but it had been so damn nice. It felt like I used him but at the same time, he knew how I felt. And in his view I was the noisy, stupid brat, and I had to show him how right he was.

I shouldn’t smile like I was right now when I was thinking about saying “oi, stupid brat” and his trademark “tch”. Sure, they were annoying as hell sometimes. But it was Levi. The foulmouthed guy with his undercut, combat boots, piercings and the black leather jacket with studs and band badges all over it. I loved his style. I loved how he just said a “fuck you” to the whole world and society. Sometimes, I wished I could be like him but then….

“Eren, don’t think we won’t talk about what happened today. We talk about it tomorrow when I come home from work.”

… but then I remembered how conservative and close-minded my father was. I understood he is concerned as well, still in a different way. I hated it.

“Yeah…”, I mumbled against the window. I stopped thinking about Levi because I didn’t want to think too far. Although I knew that Dad would never be able to read my mind, I was scared that he would find out what I was thinking. If he did, I would never hear the end of it.

_“Eren, that’s not what I want you to do.”_

_“Eren, think about your family’s reputation. You make it look like we are not able to bring you up.”_

_“Eren, if you keep going like this, your grades will drop even more. You won’t make it into university if you don’t study.”_

_“Eren, did you meet this… queer and his… boyfriend again? I told you that you should stay away from them.”_

He told me that every time he saw me, every time I did something that didn’t please him. In the beginning, you believe what your father told you. You care about what he said and try to do your best, to impose him. But you know what? You’ll start to care less and less. Until it’s only an annoying fly you want to hit and smash.

The car slowed down and I knew we were at home. Well, the house I lived in. Mikasa and my Mum definitely were my family but as soon as my father was at home, it felt cold.

I didn’t wait until he had shut down the engine and left the car, opening the door with my own copy of the key. There was still light in the living room and suddenly I felt even worse for making my Mum worrying about me.

“Hey Mum, I’m home”, I said softly. She looked up from whatever she was reading right now and smiled at me. The whole tension flowed out of her in that moment when I went over and hugged her.

“Welcome home, Eren. How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine”, I answered, “sorry for making you worry about me.”

“It’s ok Eren. I’m just happy you’re back.”

That’s what I mean with “home”. Where people love you no matter who you are and what you’ve done. Where you’re not judged because of your decisions and nobody cares what the neighbors say. That’s home.

“Carla. You should not act like it’s nothing bad what he has done. He will just get in these stupid fights again and won’t even feel bad about it. Make sure he doesn’t get out of the house tomorrow, I don’t need to have him in the hospital again. My colleagues already asked why Eren was in hospital again. I’m going to bed.”

And the alternative-program: Not-home.

“You should probably go to bed, too, darling. You don’t have school tomorrow but that doesn’t mean you’ll have to stay in bed until midday, does it? I want to bake some cake, will you help me?”, Mum asked with a smile on her lips and I nodded eagerly but swallowed the big lump in my throat down at the same time. She gave me a peck on the forehead before she said good night and I went up in my bedroom.

I didn’t bother to brush my teeth (I’m a rebellious teenager, after all… or just lazy) and fell right into my bed where I laid for some time and stared at the wall. When Mum had said that we would bake cake I had nearly cried. First, I was sometimes pretty sure that I didn’t deserve it. No matter if this was home or not. Second thing was that it reminded me of the time when me and Mum had made cake or cookies at the weekend… together with the brother I had imagined and all the memories of the time when he had been there flowed back into me. Call me pathetic but I missed him from time to time.

Sure, I could talk to Mikasa if I felt bad but she was a girl and it wasn’t the same. You couldn’t have “the talk” with your older sister (we were about one year apart, this didn’t make her exactly the older sister.) And it was ten times more embarrassing when you have to hear it from your parents.

I tried to remember him. Tried to remember how it had felt in my imagination to be held by him when I had nightmares. It wasn’t the same anymore. The ten-year-old memory felt much more vivid and real than my imagination right now. And another thing bothered me. Every time I pictured him or tried to focus on specific parts I ended up imagining Levi. The black neatly combed hair my brother had had was replaced with the undercut and the slightly chaotic hair Levi had. And the perfect ivory skin that had always reminded me of a doll was now kind of completed with the tattoos and piercings. And the stormy grey eyes now fell on me framed with black eyeliner.

Rivaille and Levi became one in my mind.

Ok…                                                     

You know how goddamn strange and crazy it is to develop a huge crush on someone who reminds you of your kind-of-adopted-but-not-existing brother?!

I groaned into my pillow in defeat. Hopefully I won’t suffocate like that. But.. damn… How mad have I become? I mean.. no. Why did this even happen to me. I’m pretty sure I’m just having a panic-but-not-really-panic attack right now and I should just calm the fuck down. Nothing easier than this…

So I just spread all limps in different directions, still trying to suffocate myself with my pillow (while breathing through my mouth that wasn’t even covered by fabric) giving a not so manly squeak/scream from me and trying to not freak out.

Maybe I should mention that it’s already the fourth time I’m acting like this since I had met Levi and found out that, yes, I was in love with that asshole and, damn, he reminded me of Rivaille. Yay….

Yes, I said it. I’m in love with him. Ugh, call me cheesy and everything.

I know, that when I asked him out, he said no, but, please, he wasn’t acting like “no” at all. I was still hoping that I had some kind of chance with him and today only confirmed that. I would just wait for a while and ask him again. It hurt like hell but maybe he would change his mind. Hopefully.

When I finally found me composure again, I turned on my back and stared at the ceiling. I knew I should sleep and all but don’t expect me to sleep right now. My mind was wound around these not-really-memories of the past, real memories of the past and everything that had happened today. I knew that I wouldn’t sleep any time soon so I decided to get up again and search for something.

I didn’t bother to switch on the light, it was bright enough in my room from the light of the streetlamp outside and I was sure that somebody in this house would have notice it and would knew that I wasn’t sleeping.

“ahah.. fuck”, I swore under my breath. Walking against an empty bottle on the floor and tossing it through the room wasn’t the best option to stay quiet either. I stood still for a moment to listen if anyone in the house had noticed but it stayed silent. Relieved, I went over to my desk and pulled out the lowest drawer completely. On the floor laid a familiar stack of papers, not in the best shape anymore and certainly not for everyone’s eyes.

I took all of them and carried them back to my bed where I laid down again and finally switched on the small light on my bedside. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to read through the old letters again, the ones I had never sent because he would never get them anyway.

None of the letters I had written in Shiganshima were left since I had forgotten or lost them. Or somebody had taken them away. The first piece of paper I unfolded was from the time when we had moved to Trost.

_Dear ~~Reville~~ ~~Rivie~~ Rivaille,_

_We have finally all things from Shiganshima and started to pack out everything. I still have to sleep on the mattress because we haven’t built my bed by now. Mom promised me that we would do it tomorrow but I told her that we have other things to do and that I’m fine with sleeping this way._  
The new house is much bigger than the old one. We even have a big room in the basement where we want to put a guestroom. But now you have no room anymore so if you come back, you’ll have to sleep on the sofa. Or my room.  
I will miss your room.

_Eren_

The few letters I had were really short and I hadn’t even talked about really important stuff but still, these pieces of paper was a bit of a connection to something I couldn’t get a grip on. I took the next one. It was much later, I could tell it from the way I had written the letter, maybe when I had been 15.

_Dear brother,_

_Mum had to drive me to the hospital today because I got a nasty wound from a fight on the way home. I had my reasons to get in the fight, don’t sue me! I had seen them in school today and they were calling Armin a “weak princess”. I couldn’t do anything because Mikasa was with us and she had to hold me back and there was a teacher around and I had gotten detention one week ago so I didn’t want to get problems again so soon. On my way home I saw them again and they were bullying someone who was in my grade. They called him a fag and I lost it again. This time, Mikasa wasn’t with me so I fought with them. You said that it isn’t right to say something like that about somebody else, right? So it only was logical to me. Bertholdt – that’s the name of the boy who had been bullied – called my Mum when I hit my head. I found out that he actually was in some of my classes but I had never noticed him before. He’s nice.  
Will you come home?_

_Eren_

I smiled at that memory. It had been the day I had met Bertholdt for the first time… well, noticed him for the first time was maybe the right word. I couldn’t remember to see him ever before in one of my classes but we had shared quite a few. He just always maintained low profile although he had been already 1.8 meters tall. The next piece of paper was really short and I knew that it was one and a half year old.

_Hey Rivaille,_

_You remember Bertholdt? He told me and Armin today that he’s pansexual and has a crush on somebody in his chemistry class. I had never heard that term before. The situation reminded me of the evening when you had told me that you were gay and had a boyfriend. Of course I reacted differently; I’m not a clueless boy anymore. Anyway, we decided to help Bertholdt. Well, I did, Armin thinks that my plan is horrible.  
Are you still with your boyfriend?_

_Eren_

In the end Armin had to come up with a plan that would work out (mine hadn’t but Armin had always been the brain in our group so it was no wonder mine didn’t work at all). In the end, we had been successful, that’s all what mattered.

I picked up another one blindly and noticed that it was the last one I had ever written one year ago.

_Hey,_

_I don’t know why I’m writing this to… you, because you won’t be able to read this and I know you don’t exist._  
Still, I have to tell you something and I can’t tell my family, I know they would react in the worst way I could imagine.  
I just found out that I am gay and I don’t know how to deal with it. Jean was having a party yesterday evening and I made out with a guy sometime after I had to kiss him when we had played spin-the-bottle. It was nothing serious and we didn’t go beyond kissing and a bit of touching, still I liked it.  
Maybe I will go to Reiner and Bertholdt and ask just… talk with them or I could tell Armin, he would definitely understand. But I wished you were here so I could talk to you.  
So, I just had to write it all down. 

I laid the piece of paper down on my chest and let out a deep breath. For different reasons. A) Yep, I had written this. B) I had been fucking 16 years old and had been still writing letters to a ghost. C) I just began to wonder what would happen if my parents found this… I promised to myself that I would burn this paper tomorrow.

On the other hand… it’s not like I would suddenly chicken out and deny everything if my parents found it and the chance that my father would come in my room was so low that I suddenly decided that I would keep it. My mum wouldn’t even be mad at me if she found out. However, I wanted to keep it as secret as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone or I have to deny the existence of a boyfriend because with everyone who knows more about it I feared that my father would find out in the end.

When you have a not-real-memory of the night when your not-real-brother was thrown out after your father had hit him and called him names you would be afraid as well, believe me.

… God, I’m so fucked up.

I actually hadn’t talked to Armin after that because I wasn’t really sure. About my own situation and how he would react. And I guess, that it wouldn’t change my situation at all. The other ones of our group didn’t know about this as well but sometimes I felt like they got the message although we had never really talked about it and I wasn’t officially out of the closet. Still, I’m pretty sure that Reiner and later Ymir had tried to set me up with somebody at Sasha’s and once at Christa’s birthday party. And Connie’s message after that evening at Hanji’s café (“Yoooo, looks like you have a crush for somebody, riiiiiiiiight?”), I knew that at least they had made assumptions.

They were a bunch of idiots but they were my bunch of idiots. And I was just as much of an idiot as they were.

I read the few other letters as well after that. Some of them made me smile again and some of them made me sad. Some were about the time when I had found my Mum in the living room, crying and she said that everything was alright. One was about the time I had noticed that I hit puberty. Another one was about one of the fights that had brought me into hospital (I had broken my left arm). I didn’t even remember writing most of them but here they were and that should be evidence enough that all of that had happened.

I put all of them away again and tried to get some sleep; after all, it was 2 a.m. already. So much about standing up early and helping Mum with baking. I would stand up at 10 maybe, or 11…

* * *

 

In the end, I woke up at 12 p.m. to the smell of something baking in the kitchen and something vibrating next to my head. Opening my eyes was an act for itself because I hadn’t bothered to let down the blinds last night but I wasn’t that sleepy anymore.

There were two types of mornings, you have to know. Type A: You feel like you are going to rip your blankets as soon as you open your eyes because you’re a way too active and have to move and walk around and just have to tell the whole house you’re awake. It doesn’t matter if you’ve slept four or twelve hours, you’re just fucking awake. Even if you had to stand up in the middle of the night. Type B: No human soul should get closer than a mile, you feel worn out and just want to sleep the rest of your life. The _hitting-the-snooze-button-ten-times-mornings._ Those mornings mostly happen on schooldays.

Luckily, today was type A and the only thing that could keep me from standing up was the phone next to me. I sat up, snatched my mobile which had been vibrating and unlocked it. Seemed like a lot had happened in our group chat while I had been asleep and I hadn’t even noticed.

[6:10] theavatar: Good morning everyone! Sasha and I just decided that we will have a bonfire on Sash’s vacant land. You all have to come, weasel words won’t be accepted.  
[6:12] horseface: Asshole, I was sleeping and could have slept for 4 more hours!  
[6:13] theavatar: good morning to you, too. There was no need to answer anyway, you have to come.  
[6:14] ymir: Geeez, you two have woken up my cute girl. Prepare yourself for endless punishment.  
[6:17] potatogirl: learn how to set your mobile on mute…  
[6:19] ymir: did you spend the night at connies home again?  
[6:21] potatogirl: did you spend the night at christas home again?  
[6:25] ymir: …  
[6:25] Reiner: I really tried to ignore you guys but it’s useless. @connie When do you want to start?  
[7:01] theavatar: at seven I guess  
[7:05] sis: you know its getting cold in the evening, you really want to do it?  
[7:07] potatogirl: you can’t stop us!  
[7:15] ymir: whatever, see you at school

[10:32] freckled jesus: Jean had asked me to join your conversation (which seems to be dead right now). What did I miss?  
[10:35] theavatar: yooo, marco! We have a bonfire on Friday evening, 7 o’clock. You have to come and your boyfriend, too (convince him!) What about Hanji and the punk you’re working with?  
[10:36] Reiner: Marco has a boyfriend? Since when?  
[10:38] theavatar: Dude, you haven’t heard the news yet? Marco’s dating Jean!  
[10:39] Bertholdt: Our Jean?  
[10:40] theavatar: Yeah, our Jean  
[10:43] Reiner: Poor Marco  
[10:44] ymir: indeed  
[10:45] horseface: I can read what you write, guys  
[10:47] Reiner: No texting in class, Jean  
[10:50] horseface: eff you. I see you from where I’m sitting, you’ve been texting since the lesson started  
[10:59] freckled jesus: Hanji said that they and Levi would come (although Levi wasn’t asked).  
[11:05] theavatar: great! Means that everybody will come, right?

Then a long discussion started who would bring what for the bonfire. Everyone who hadn’t told them that they would come were listed too, including me but I didn’t really mind since it was already decided that I would join them. Connie and Sasha’s bonfires were always amazingly cool, especially because said property was in the middle of nowhere and Sasha’s parents owned that place so we could do whatever we wanted there (except from burning down the toilets or the shelter). And we could party until dawn without adults. It had been taken its time until my parents allowed me to go there, I was still minor and everything but in the end I and Mikasa had won.

When I saw Levi’s name on the list as well, I didn’t know if I should be happy or not. He hadn’t say yes by now and I wasn’t sure if Hanji was even going to tell him (as far as I knew them they would just kidnap Levi and drive him to the bonfire).

I finally stood up after I’d written a short message to Connie that I would come on Friday and went to the bathroom to get ready for the day… or whatever was left of it. The mirror showed me the extent of yesterday’s fight: A few bruises here and there and a nasty red-blue bruise on my cheek. The “scratch” on my arm where I had braked my fall didn’t look too bad but still red as I put away the bandage. It was nothing new to me. Just a new scar for my collection I didn’t care much about.

Back in my room I found two new messages on my phone. The first one was from Connie in which he told me that I was already assigned to the task of bringing chocolate cookies. At least enough to feed an army.

The second one was from Levi.

From: Levi  
[12:23] Are you awake?

This short sentence made my stomach feeling fuzzy. It hurt a bit but I liked it because he still cared for me. This was enough for me.

To: Levi  
[12.25] I am, good morning btw

Just as I wanted to put the phone into my pocket and go down to Mum to look if I still would get some breakfast, my phone started playing my favorite song by ‘The Breached Walls’: ‘World outside in your eyes’. Why the hell would Levi call me.

Ah… yes. I had chosen it as his ringtone. Because of reasons that should be oblivious.

“Hi Levi”, I greeted him with a maybe a bit too cheery voice.

“Good morning to you, too. How are you”, I heard the voice saying that was enough to make me blush slightly. I had never thought that it was even possible to fall in love only with a voice but know I knew better. I fell back on my bed before I answered.

“I’m fine, I guess. A few bruises but they will heal soon”, I explained but thought at the same time _and then I’ll just have another fight to survive_.

“Don’t do anything stupid, Eren”, Levi said as if he could hear my thoughts. He sounded worried and I could understand him.

“Anyway, can you explain me why Hanji’s grinning like Cheshire cat and every time Marco opens his mouth to explain they hush him. What the fuck is going on?”

I could hear Hanji’s screeching in the background, that I should not tell him and Marco who tried to silence Hanji and I had to laugh out loud. I could imagine the scene in the café too well.

“Ah… sorry, I have nooo idea what you’re talking about”, I grinned.

“Traitor”, came back Levi’s monotone voice.

I just laid there for a moment with a big grin on my face and enjoying the fact that Levi was there, not in real but just the fact that I could listen to him and whatever mass murdering was just going on in the café (Hanji’s squealing had intensified and Levi aspirated an annoyed groan before you could hear a loud thump followed by clacking of his phone hitting the floor. Then more shifting and Levi was there again.)

“I have to go down to my Mum, breakfast. Have a nice day, Levi. And don’t die, it sounds horrible over there.”

“Eren Jäger, I swear, tell me what Hanji had planned!”, he growled.

“Nothing?”, I said as innocently as possible before I hung up. Maybe I liked it to torture him from time to time, ok?

From: Levi  
[12:36] You damn traitor.

Friday was going to be fun.


	10. Dear Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin looked a bit helplessly from me to Levi and back. “Should I leave you two alone?”, he asked finally and wanted to stand up when the blackhaired shook his head.   
> “I actually wanted to ask if Eren could come with me for a moment. And could you stop gawking, it’s irritating”, he said, trying to sound annoyed but at the same I was sure that I could hear something else in his voice although I couldn’t say what.  
> Oh, yes. Stop staring. And try to form a coherent answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone!   
> I've been dying to write this chapter since .... well, forever. This chapter and the following one. (and I suck at thinking of a summery for every chapter, sorry!) We've already reached chapter ten which is awesome. Thank you so much for reading and feedback. I really really hope that you like this chapter!!
> 
> See you!

“Leviiiii… don’t be such a killjoy!”, Hanji whined while I was holding their collar and yanking them down to me.

“I stopped being funny years ago, Four-eyes. And now tell me what the fuck you’ve planned. I can’t stand a hyperactive bouncing ball this early and not for four days in a row. Will you just fucking tell me what’s going on. Even Marco and Eren know it.”, I spat. I had enough. I had so damn enough of Hanji’s secretiveness. It was like this since Tuesday morning and today was Friday. You can’t imagine how much of a pain in the ass Hanji could be.

And Eren wasn’t even better. We’ve talked a few times in the last days but he hadn’t been here in the café since his father didn’t allow him to leave the house except for school and he had to go straight home afterwards. Because Eren wasn’t mature enough or something like that was his explanation. Fucker. However, that’s another story. He was calling me sometimes and he acted like it was a state secret when I asked him and I could practically see his thousand-watt-grin and his bright eyes.

Right now I received said grin in the Hanji-version and they put their fingers to their lips. “Shhhh… Wait a bit.”

“How. Long?”, I asked annoyed.

“Ahhh… not too long. This evening, I guess?”

“Tonight?”

“Yesyes, tonight!”, they grinned and began to uncurl every single finger at their collar, “Let’s make a deal: You’ll do what I tell you and I’ll show you what’s going on, how about that?”

“Tch. What would you want to do me?”

“First tell me you’re in.” They had finally all fingers from their shirt and stood up straight.

“Deal.”, I answered annoyed and was suddenly hugged.

“Yaaay, thank you Levi. You’ll like it, believe me! Ok, I want you to cancel any plans you have this evening. You don’t even have plans, do you? It would be something new if you had plans. Then you have to be at home at 6:30 because I will pick you up. No, you have to be ready to follow my car with your car, you wouldn’t want to come too close to my car, would you? Wear something warm, sweetheart.” They winked at me and walked to one of our customers to take his order.

I stood perplexed behind the counter for a long moment. Hanji’s explanation hadn’t given me any satisfaction at all, just even more questions. Where the fuck would they want to be on a Friday evening where it was definitely cold. Goddammit, I was sure that I didn’t want to go there.

If Eren knew about it… maybe he would come to wherever I will have to go this evening, too. I was slowly coming to realize that probably Eren and his friends were involved in this game. And what would a bunch of teens do on Friday night if not having a party? Yay… party…

However, I will see Eren. I had to talk to him because what I wanted to tell him was something you shouldn’t say by message or phone. Let’s say that I had had much time to think in the last few days.

When I heard the horn of Hanji’s car screaming in agony (there was no other expression to describe its sound) outside my house, I knew that my time has come. I took the car keys and walked outside where Hanji was already waiting form me with a maniac smile on their face.

“You’re here! I knew you would be here.”

“Did you give me any choice? Who’s that in your car?” I could see a person sitting on the passenger seat. And whoever it was, was either completely crazy or stupid. Or both.

“Who? Ohoh, that’s Marco. He knows the way and he wants to give me the directions while driving”, Hanji explained and I felt pity for Marco. He had had to drive in Hanji’s car for a few times already and he somehow had survived every time, though I didn’t understand it. The last time I had to drive with Hanji had been memorable, I had found an at least seven months old fast food bag on the backseat. Hanji had claimed that they had wanted to throw them away as soon as possible but I can’t tell if they ever did. I would never approach Hanji’s car again.

“Don’t kill Marco, do you listen? We need him to find that damn place. I don’t want to get lost in the nowhere.”

“aye aye, captain!”, they just grinned as I walked past them to my own car. Which was clean. In contrast to the car a certain other person owned.

We started our journey to wherever shortly after the two dorks in the front car had decided which music they would listen to (goddammit, Hanji. Just start to care for your CD collection). Whatever they were doing, it took all too long for my liking.

Or maybe I was just fucking nervous. I had been through this night in my mind for at least twenty times today. Usually, it’s impossible to see how I feel or how I react when some shit happens, I had mastered the ability to keep a straight face years ago, I had been very young and the best way to lie to your dad was not to show any emotions at all, no matter what happened.

However, today it felt even more like the wall around me was breaking down. Like I had torn it down in the weeks I’ve been around Eren and I had enjoyed that time. I had let him tear down my walls and I had probably helped him. And now I didn’t know what to do anymore. Build it up again or just let it down?

The drive was long, about half an hour, and somehow we drove even farther away from the city. We had left Trost behind and had to drive on the country road for some time and had reached a forest. I tried to concentrate on driving and not on the shit that was in my mind.

_Promise to a corpse_ was playing softly over my speakers, the melody sad and slowly but yet beautiful. Although Eren and I had the same opinion on “Breached Walls” most of the time, he had written me once that it was one of the few songs he couldn’t stand at all because it was too sad for him. I was sure that he was one of the guys who would start to tear up when a sad song was played. Since I couldn’t remember how he had acted at the last concert, I decided that I would take him to another one, just to see his reaction.

The sun was long gone now a few minutes after 7pm. Winter was going to come soon and it would get dark earlier although in my opinion it was already depressing enough now. It was the time when you stand up when you go to work when it’s dark and come back home when it’s dark again and I didn’t look forward for it at all. And it meant that it would become cold as balls even during the day. Therefore I couldn’t understand why those kiddies had to have their _whatever_ not in summer like everybody else would.

Hanji’s car stopped in front of me when something appeared in the headlights. I noticed that it was Jean, he waved and pulled the long bar aside I hadn’t seen before and denied access to every vehicle if you didn’t have the key for it.

Both cars passed through it and we had to wait again for Jean who had to close the passage again and lock it up. Luckily, he and Marco didn’t have a long reunion outside the car because I didn’t want to wait any longer and I was getting a bit anxious about what I had to expect. And I had to see the two of them in the café every day. While Hanji was like “You two sweethearts are so cute, you should marry!”, I had begun to wonder if Jean ever went to school or did anything for it. Not that I was complaining, he was a paying costumer after all.

We had to drive a bit longer through the woods until we reached a parking lot where already some cars were parked, about ten, I guess, and I could see the dim light of a fire behind it and music. So it was a bonfire after all. We locked our cars (I did, I don’t know if Hanji’s fucked up car even could be locked), then walked to the place where the light came from . I was greeted with one of the biggest bonfires I had ever experienced and a booming loudspeaker. They really took it serious. Needless to say, I recognized some of Eren’s friends, too.

Hanji began to bounce up and down next to me in anticipation to the music, the light of the fire reflecting in their glasses. Maybe I should not let them play with the flames. But as soon as somebody from around the fire noticed us – I think it was Christa – and waved, Hanji’s bouncing was replaced by walking very fast to the others to say hi and hugging them.

I stayed behind them and took a look at the place: Of course the bonfire was in its middle with a few benches around it. Next to it was an open shelter where the kids had bunked food and drinks and a bit behind it another small cabin, the closet I guessed.

I felt a bit out of place here. Of course, Hanji had to blackmail me to get here, they knew that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere with too many people and where I had to make contact and conversation with them without a good reason. Hanji was a social butterfly after all and it was easy for them to make friends.

I stayed away from the teens and the fire until Hanji finally realized that I wasn’t with them anymore and motioned me to join them. That’s what I did, still hoping that I would see Eren tonight.

 

 

Eren’s POV

“Eren, you’re spacing out again”, Armin mentioned suddenly and I snapped out of my daydream while staring into the flames of the fire in front of me. I guess Armin’s point was proven.

“Sorry, sorry. What were you saying?”, I felt bad for being such a bad listener today. There was just so much going around in my mind. Things I didn’t want to discuss with Armin now.

Would Levi come? Hanji would force him since they could be really persistent. And then, should I go to him or would that be too clingy? He didn’t really know my friends, they had only meet once at Hanji’s café, except for Hanji and Marco but he was our age and already completely integrated into our group and he doesn’t have eyes for anything but Jean when the horseface was around. And Hanji was just Hanji.

Levi was different after all.

“I was saying that the trio from the café just arrived.”

Ohh…

That changed things.

I must have stared at Armin because he gave me a strange look. “Eren, are you ok?”

“Yeah… sure… Is Levi with them?”

“If you turned around, you would see them. Eren, what’s going on?”, Armin asked again but I didn’t answer and turned around to see them.

First I only saw Hanji who was exchanging hugs with Connie, Sasha, Reiner and Bertholdt and seemed to be totally hyped again. Although I have never seen Hanji being not hyperactive. Marco and Jean appeared shortly after that, still with the small distance between them but you could see just by the way they exchanged small smiles that they were head over heels into each other.

And then appeared Levi.

I mean, yes. I have seen him a few times in different situations already. At the concert with plateau-boots, in his apartment with nothing but jeans – I still doubt that he wore anything beneath them – and his causal clothes he wore every day.

But wow, he looked good this evening, especially in the light of the bonfire. He was wearing black tight leather pants with studs at its sides and a stone-washed jeans jacket, also decorated with studs and chains. He practically shone in the light with the reflections on the metal. I couldn’t see his face completely but I was sure he was looking fantastic as always.

Please excuse me while I go in a corner fanboying over his gorgeous appearance.

“Eren… are you gazing at Levi?”, I heard Armin from nowhere. Oh shit. I totally forgot that I was not alone. I averted my eyes from Levi to look at Armin seriously.

“Ah… haha… yes?”, I answered nervously, realizing that I had begun to bite the skin beneath my thumb again. It was a strange habit I had begun years ago.

“Oh, I didn’t know that…”, he trailed off. I just put a hand on his shoulder and smiled a bit although I was trying to cover up my memory of that Thursday.

“It’s ok. I.. I just haven’t told anybody yet because it’s… how should I say? It’s complicated, I guess. I will tell the other ones when I’ve figured out some things, ok?”, I explained to him honestly. Although I didn’t want to tell him everything that had happened in the last week, I didn’t see a reason why I should lie to him or to my friends.

Armin smiled at me brightly. “I hope it will work out for you, Eren. Did you know that there’s a bet running.”

“What?”

“Well. Somebody started it last year when everybody started to be in relationships but not you. They started to bet what gender you partner would have”, Armin explained, slightly embarrassed.

“Seriously? Don’t you have any other hobbies. Who even started that?”

“I don’t know.” He did know but I wasn’t going to press that topic any further. Not only because I would find it out when I have a boyfriend – no matter if it was Levi or not. They were all totally crazy.

Although I would prefer if it was Levi.

Speaking of the devil, when I looked up from Armin to where I had just seen Levi, I noticed that he was coming to us. I had no idea how I should react.

“Hi Eren, hi Armin”, he said simply and I was sure that I was staring at him like a deer in the headlights. You think just seeing a certain person wouldn’t be enough to make your heart racing and to form a giant lump in your throat so you don’t even dare to say anything because you know that it would sound completely creepy if you spoke now. You’re wrong.

Armin looked a bit helplessly from me to Levi and back. “Should I leave you two alone?”, he asked finally and wanted to stand up when the blackhaired shook his head.

“I actually wanted to ask if Eren could come with me for a moment. And could you stop gawking, it’s irritating”, he said, trying to sound annoyed but at the same I was sure that I could hear something else in his voice although I couldn’t say what.

Oh, yes. Stop staring. And trying to form a coherent answer.

“Uh… yeah… sure.”I nodded and stood up, shaking slightly. I didn’t even know what was going on with my body anymore. Was I excited? Nervous? Terrified? It was only Levi, so why did I react like that. Well, probably because it was Levi.

“You will be ok, Eren?”, Armin asked worried. I just had told him about my crush and now that. I never felt this uncertain in my life, even when I first confessed my feelings to Levi, I felt more confident.

I nodded again and turned to Levi. “Let’s go”

We walked away from the fire and it became gradually colder. The music became a bit quieter but was suddenly turned off completely before Reiner announced that Ymir “should stop smooching her girlfriend and start playing some music”. I had seen Ymir’s guitar case when we’d arrived here and had hoped that she would play tonight because she was pretty talented. Maybe I would hear some of it later when I got back.

“I didn’t interrupt your conversation with Armin, did I”, Levi asked when we were a bit farther away. I walked behind him so I couldn’t see his face.

“No, not really. Do you actually know where we’re going?”

“I just want to walk a bit more. Just in case somebody of your friends decide that they have to explore the forest and bother us”, he gave back; which didn’t really answer my question.

Although Levi was shorter than I and had shorter legs, he walked faster than I did. Before I lose him because I had no idea where exactly we were now and how to get back I decided to catch up and walk next to him. But even now we were walking in silence until Levi suddenly halted. I walked a few steps further before I realized that he had stopped and turned around to look at him. Let’s say: Looking at his outlines. The sun was long gone and the shine of the fire was so faint now that it was hard to see.

“What have you planned? If you planned on murder me here and sacrifice me to a monster, then you should have told me sooner so I could run away”, I said jokingly but wasn’t sure at all. It was dark, cold and we were in a forest and we were alone.

“What?”, Levi asked confused. I had totally thrown him for a loop and I wasn’t really sorry.

“Nevermind. Why are we here?”

“I wanted to talk to you.” I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. This was not good, was it?

“Th-Then why couldn’t we talk at the fire?”, I asked, pulling my jacket a bit tighter around my body although it was just an excuse to cross my arms in front of my chest.

“While the music’s booming and everything? Eren, I wanted to talk, not to shout”, he commented and I think he rolled his eyes. Talking had worked fine when I had the conversation with Armin, why was he making such an excuse?

“… and I wanted your full attention and nobody to bother us”, he added.

“Then shoot. It’s getting cold.”

“You’re unbelievable, kid, do you know that?”, the man in front of me snickered but his voice wavered. Here in the dark it was so much easier to listen to his voice and to hear the small differences in the way he spoke. When you couldn’t grab anything but a voice.

He sounded so much like the voice I remembered as my brother’s voice. I know that it was wrong to think in a situation like this about somebody who didn’t even exist. The voice I heard now was manlier, of course, things like puberty happen but they sounded so similar, it hurt. How fucked up was I?

I nearly jumped when I suddenly felt cool hands taking mine and my heart started beating like crazy because – so I told myself – holy shit, he scared me.

“I’m sorry, Eren”, Levi began. Exactly the same words he used last week, they still sting.

“I’m sorry for what I said last week. I wasn’t really thinking… well, I guess I was thinking too much.” Levi’s head was down, looking at our hands before he interlaced our fingers and looked up. Only now I noticed how close we were actually standing.

“I already told you that I am fine with it. Sorry if I made you feel guilty because of my act”, I lied.

“Tch, that’s not what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say is… I… fuck..”, he dropped the sentences, looking at our hands again.

“I had a shit load of time to think last week and when you didn’t answer, I was fucking worried. I noticed that I really don’t want you out of my life. Don’t ever shock me again with suddenly ending up in hospital. Or don’t ignore my texts, I wouldn’t have known what had happened to you if not Marco told me.” He held my hands a bit tighter. I hoped that he would not notice how much I was trembling right now.

Levi wouldn’t say…

Would he?

“I told you that I don’t want to go out with you because I don’t want you to get fucking hurt. You said that your family wouldn’t accept the fact that you’re gay or that you’ve got a boyfriend. And you said it yourself: I’m not the one who parents would want for their kids.

And there are things I have to tell you… Things you need to know but I can’t tell you now because… I just can’t. If you give me the time, I will.” Levi took a deep breath and I wasn’t breathing at all.

What I want to ask is: Do… do you still want to be my boyfriend?”

“Oh god…”, I whispered, staring at him. This had to be a dream. I tried to tell myself that this had to be a dream, I was not believing what I just heard. I would wake up suddenly and then everything would be gone. I tried to tell that to myself, that I shouldn’t hope too much but I knew that this was reality. I didn’t need scars to know that this was really happening. I didn’t need to write it down. This was more real than everything else.

When I didn’t answer his question, he slowly let go off my hands and wanted to turn away, only to be pulled into my arms.

“YES! Fuck, yes, I do”, I whispered since I didn’t trust my voice in that moment, pulling Levi even closer.

“That’s good”, I heard Levi mumbling as he relaxed and I felt his arms closing around my waist.

He was so warm. It was such a wonderful feelings. My stomach was still doing crazy things but right now I was feeling save. It felt like a nostalgic feeling, like something I had lost and now found again and at the same time it was something completely new.

Levi said that he wanted to be my boyfriend. He really did.

“I’m so happy right now, Levi”, I whisper, burying my face into his black hair. It even smelled wonderful. Levi nodded but remained silent.

We stood there for a while, I can’t tell how long. Just hugging each other and ignoring the cold. Then I began to notice that the other ones didn’t know where we are and I was sure that either Connie, Sasha or Hanji would start to look for us. Every single one of them was probably expecting that they would interrupt us by anything.

“Can we go back? The others will start worrying”, I asked and Levi let his arms fall back to his sides, taking a step back but I captured his hands at an instant and pulled him a bit closer again.

“What is it?”

“Can… can I kiss you?”, I asked quietly, leaning closer. I could feel his breath against my lips.

Levi tch-ed and cocked his head to the side. “Since when are you asking? Last time I remember you didn’t ask and now you’re getting all worked up about it?”, he gave back and I should probably feel either insulted or embarrassed. I just laughed.

“You’re an ass, shut up”

“Make me.”

And I did.

It was slow, hesitant, unsure and maybe a bit clumsy, close-mouthed, but it was perfect and beautiful and was leaving my lightheaded. Just like a first kiss is supposed to be, only with the difference that it wasn’t even my first kiss. Not even the second or third. But it was the first kiss that really meant something to me. To us.

I noticed so many small things. That his breath hitched when my lips brushed over his for the first time. That his lips were moist and smooth. That he held my hands a bit tighter.

The kiss was over way too soon.

“You want to go back now?”, Levi whispered, his breath still tingling on my lips.

“Ok” I tried to get my head out of the clouds but failed. When I had woken up this morning, I definitely hadn’t expect the day to end like that. And it wasn’t even over yet.

Levi let go off my hands and began to walk back to the fire. It bothered me that my hands were suddenly cold but I understood. I didn’t want the others to know that we were together only now. My sister was out there, too and I feared that she wouldn’t agree because of my parents. The rest would probably find out early enough to finish their stupid bet.

“You want to stay the night at my apartment, Eren?”, the man in front of me asked like it was nothing really important but I stopped dead in my tracks.

“You… you would be okay with that?”

“Don’t make me regret my question.”

I really wanted to hug him again and kiss him for asking me but since I didn’t want to make him regret it, I just said that I’d love to, followed by a “tch” from Levi.

Back at the fire, I was questioned by everyone where we’ve been because apparently we’ve been away for about 30 minutes. While I was stuttering around, Levi commented that it wasn’t their business. Reiner looked at me like he exactly knew what was going on, then looked at Connie who was nodding at him, grinning too. Oh well.

When I sat down next to Levi in front of the fire, I felt the phone in my pocket vibrating.

From: Connie  
[19:47] Dude, seriously. Where have you been?

From: Reiner  
[19:48] Quality time in the woods?

I groaned out loud. That was so typical for both of them. I didn’t answer them but shot them glares to where they sat and showed the messages to Levi who just snorted.

Mikasa was probably the one who was most confused and didn’t know what to think of this situation. I mean, her brother just kind of disappeared with somebody she only knew as the guy who had been fighting with me at the concert and I came back without a real explanation. I hoped that I could talk with her about my relationship with Levi at home. Without any prejudices and without a “You should tell Mum and Dad”.

The rest of the evening was amazing. Not only because Levi didn’t leave my side for the whole time but also because everything was perfect. The sky was clear and when I leaned back, I could see all the stars. Levi called me crazy but I caught him staring at the night sky, too. Hanji joined us for a while, pulling Armin with them, to talk with me and Levi about some interesting thing they and Armin just noticed. Although both were little masterminds, I was sure that Armin still was not sure how to handle a hyperactive Hanji.

When I began getting tired, I noticed that I had to find a way how to stay at Levi’s apartment without my family noticing it.

To: Horseface  
[22:59] When will you go home?

From: Horseface  
[23:02] Y do you ask? We won’t stay too long anymore.

To: Horseface  
[23:05] Want to stay the night with Levi. Just pretend we’re leaving together.

From: Horseface  
[23:10] I don’t even want to know. But ok.

I explained my plan to Levi and stayed a bit longer, then stood up and began to pack my stuff, saying good-bye to everyone. Reiner had to pull me into a bonecrushing hug and told me that we should talk soon about _it_. Mikasa understood that I was tired and it was fine for her when I told her that I would sleep over at Jean’s place. She wanted to stay a bit longer and would drive Armin home. Coincidentally, Levi chose the same time to leave, asking Marco if he needed a ride. To sum it up: Jean, Marco, Levi and I would leave but driving in another car than expected.

I had no idea if it would work out because the others had their suspects and I only felt save when I was in Levi’s car, already on the road. His car was clean, too, just like everything he owned, I noticed chuckling.

I was a bit more tired than I had thought. The engine of the car was humming and made me even more sleepy. The day has been long and things happened. I was tired, but happy. Maybe I could sleep a bit until we get to Levi’s apartment.

“Oi, Eren. Don’t fall asleep. I don’t want to carry you out of the car because you don’t want to wake up and I bet you would drool on the cushions”, Levi commented on my state. I smacked him on the shoulder without real force.

“I don’t drool!”, I mumbled.

“We’ll see that later”, Levi said. If I hadn’t been this tired right now, I would have blushed and made some kind of embarrassed noise. He shouldn’t say something like that so easily. Speaking of later…

“mhh… but if I’m sleeping on the sofa, you won’t see it.” The reason why Levi was gazing at me and not the road right now could be that my words were too slurred or something else.

“I was actually thinking that you want to sleep with me in the same bed. But if you prefer the sofa---”

“Wait, that would be ok with you? I mean, you just said that I would drool a---”

“tch, of course I am, don’t jump into conclusions.”

I didn’t know how to answer to that so I just stayed silent and actually fell asleep until Levi woke me up because we had arrived at his apartment. I was still half asleep when Levi gave me a spare toothbrush and towel, saying that before I was drowning in the shower I should at least wash my face and I could sleep in my shirt and boxers. I did as I was told, then went to the bedroom where Levi was setting a glass of water and two pills on the nightstand. When he saw that I was finished he said something about taking a shower and that I could already go to bed. That’s what I did.

I barely realized when my boyfriend came back to curl up against my chest without even asking if we could cuddle. I smelled his slightly damp hair as I buried my face in it. Like lemon. Like my brother.

I fell asleep thinking of Levi and Rivaille, the person I loved as boyfriend and the person I loved as friend.


	11. Dear Past I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Eren, I have to talk to you."

I woke up several hours before Eren would even think of waking up or anything close to it. I wouldn’t say that it was bad because I could spend some time knowing that he was there but he wouldn’t talk all the time. And he wouldn’t notice that I was staring at his sleeping face a bit too much. It was warm underneath the covers but I didn’t bother to pull them back a bit, I didn’t want to wake him up.

That’s how it happened that I spend the first hour of my Saturday curled up against Eren after I’d taken my medicine and enjoying it. The noisy kid from the concert who was now my boyfriend. I hadn’t have the time to go through the replay of my confession from last night and I had no idea what actually had happened. At which point had I decided to let him fucking stay at my place? (I even let him sleep in the same bed as me and although we had just come back from that bonfire and his clothes completely stunk of smoke, I hadn’t even forced him to take a shower. The thought made me a bit uncomfortable but oh well, what don’t you do for that kid.) I knew how his parents were and still I asked him and his answer had been clear from the beginning. So why the hell had I done it?

I was cheating and I knew it. Although Eren was older now, I was the guy who had been his adopted brother. I was the asshole who had suddenly disappeared without a trace and was the reason why Eren was in so many fights and for all his insecurities. I had hurt him and I was still hurting him.

Big question was: How was I going to explain it to him. There was no way I could just say “everything you think that is a dream is reality and I am the one who lived in your house and I am sorry”. It just doesn’t work like that.

Finally, I left Eren alone in the bedroom around 7 a.m. to get ready for the day although I would probably stay at home the whole day since I didn’t know when Eren would leave. But I had to take a shower.

Of course Eren was still asleep at 8 o’clock when I got back from the bathroom. I kneed down next to the mattress to watch him sleeping. He looked so damn peaceful and beautiful, I think I could never get bored at just looking at him. Note to myself: Eren did not drool while sleeping. What a relief.

I was sure that Eren wouldn’t stand up before 10, I knew what teenagers were like, especially on Saturdays. Therefore, I went to the kitchen and was having breakfast. I never ate much in the mornings but tea was necessary. How were people even able to be awake without tea? Or with drinking disgusting coffee. Just because I was working in a café, it didn’t mean that I liked that shit. I only made it.

Without really realizing it I started cleaning the kitchen. I hadn’t had time for it in the last days and yeah… I had nothing else to do. That’s how I spend the next hour of the day.

When I got back into the bedroom, Eren wasn’t sleeping anymore. He stood in front of the wall that was covered with photos and exactly in that moment I realized that I was fucked. Like really fucked.

The wall had been Hanji’s idea and this one time, I had thought that it actually was a good idea. They had taken pictures everywhere with me and my friends, some of the photos were about ten years old. The only condition I had had was that there would be no photos which were taken before that one night at the Jägers. Hanji had been working for about a week on it, annoying me every time the glue was empty again. In all fairness it must be said that they did a good job.

I hadn’t thought that these photos would be my end one day.

“Eren?”, I asked silently. He looked up in confusion with his eyes wide as if he hadn’t noticed that I had entered the room.

“Levi. How? When.. did you come in?”, he stuttered. I couldn’t tell what I was seeing in his eyes. Confusion? fear? He didn’t wait for me to answer but pointed on one of the pictures. It was about 9 years old, we’ve been in France because Erwin had done a year abroad over there and had invited us to stay for a few weeks. Hanji had taken this photo of me on top of the Eiffel Tower.

“You weren’t a punk back then”, the boy said with a low voice, staring at it, “You looked… different.” His finger was hovering over the photo for a few more seconds then wandered to the next one.

“There you wear the same outfit like at the concert where I met you. Was it another one?”, he asked and I nodded. Concert of Erwin’s favorite band, three years ago. We had waited outside the hall for two hours before we were let in, in the middle of winter.

His finger moved trembling to another one that had caught his interest.

“Who is he?”, his breath hitched. Eren had chosen one of my favorite photos despite the crazy story behind it: It was about six years old. I remembered Hanji’s excitement when she finally received her mobile phone with camera and had spent the rest of the day with making photos. The first one them had taken when she suddenly appeared in our living room with a loud screeching noise (we shouldn’t have given them the key) where Erwin and I were cuddling on the sofa while reading the newspaper. I had been chasing Hanji through the whole apartment and Erwin had just laughed.

“He’s my friend”, I answered Eren’s question.

“Only-friends don’t cuddle like that”, the green-eyed boy commented.

“He was my boyfriend for a few years but now we’re nothing more than friends”, I corrected myself carefully, “you remember the huge sweater. It’s his.”

“I know him”, Eren whispered, he was saying the words slowly and his voice was wavering. “I know him. His name is Erwin Smith. H-he was my brother’s boyfriend. His family was over for dinner very often. I, Lev-”

I couldn’t do anything else but pulling him into a tight hug. His arms came shakily up to wound around my waist and hid his face in my shoulder. All this pain. I should have told him sooner. I was regretting so much right now.

“Am I’m insane, Levi? I don’t understand what’s happening anymore. He wasn’t real. My parents told me so. Why do I remember these things.” His whimpering broke my heart, I didn’t know what to say. I just pulled him closer to me and rubbed his back.

“Eren, we need to talk. Can you sit down on the bed? I have to get something. Everything is ok, Eren, you’re not insane.” I felt him nodding and led him to the bed where he sat down, looking at me expectantly. I didn’t know if I was really for this.

I took the wallet in the living room and looked inside the small pocket to make sure it was still there although it was stupid. It was definitely in there.

_“Rivaille! Look, I want to take a photo in there.”, the small green-eyes boy shouted._

_“We don’t have time for that. Mom told us to buy some things before she’s finished at the hairdresser.”, his brother tried to explain to him but it was useless._

_“Please, Rivaille”, Eren whined and pulled Rivaille to the photo booth in the shopping center and he gave in. They would have enough time afterwards._

_As they were seated in the crammed space, the first thing Rivaille did was taking a tissue to clean the touchscreen in front of him. Who knew who had already touched it. Eren was bouncing with excitement while the monotone robotic voice lead them through the program to decide which kind of photos they would like to have and then was giggling the whole time the photos were made._

_In the end for the last few photos, even Rivaille made some funny faces although he swore that he wouldn’t want to see them ever. But it was for his brothers and that was reason enough._

_“It’s already over?”, the small boy asked when Rivaille pulled him off his lap and left the booth to get there photos._

_He had never seen such a bright smile on the boy’s face before._

_“I want to keep them foreeeever!”, he shouted, a few people were staring at them because of the noise but who could be mad about a happy child?_

_At the end of the day, Rivaille pinned half of the photos on the wall in Eren’s room and kept the other half for himself._

Eren was still sitting on the bed, looking up in confusion when he saw me coming back and dropped the hand he had been nipping on again. I sat down next to him, unsure if I should touch him in any way but decided against it.

“Look, Eren. There’s something you need to know and you have to be strong. Don’t be mad at me, I didn’t know myself how to deal with it. And I know it’s not the best moment… Here.”, I gave him the four small pictures when I had sat down again. It took him only a few seconds before he realized what he saw.

“These photos”, he whispered, “Levi. That. These photos. The photo booth in Shiganshima. How can it be that… ”, he paused suddenly when realization hit him.

“Oh my god… Oh my god. You’re him. You.. you can’t. He did not-“ Tears were streaming down his face, they became more with every second and his body was trembling violently. I took the strip of paper out of his hands and replaced it with my own hands, even now I could feel the tremor.

“Eren, I know it’s hard to believe and to understand and I’m sorry for not telling you before. Everything you remember has happened. Rivaille existed and he was your adopted brother”, I tried to explain.

“B-But your name. It’s not Rivaille. It’s Levi. Y-You can’t be him!”, Eren shouted now like he didn’t want to believe it but I stayed calm.

“I changed my name back then”, I said. Shortly after I’d become 18 I had wanted to change my name as soon as possible. Not only to end all the confusion about how to write my name but also because I couldn’t and didn’t want to identify with my old name anymore.

Eren’s crying had stopped but he was still breathing heavily as he stared at our connected hands. He was thinking about something.

“Eren, please look at me.” I should have expected something when he pulled his hands out of mine and balled them to fists.

“Y-You knew it…”, he whispered, nearly not auditable. I wanted to say something, anything but I didn’t even had a chance to say something.

“You fucking knew it the whole time and didn’t tell me!”, he suddenly shouted out, “You didn’t even mention it to me when I told you everything in the hospital! When were you going to tell me if I hadn’t seen the photos at the wall? Would you have ever told me?!”

He raised one of his fists, attempting to hit me because of blind rage that boiled up inside him but I caught his hand easily. Shit, why did this have to happen? I had known it wouldn’t work out well but this hurt so much. I should have reckoned that Eren’s anger issues would make it worse.

“Ten years! I haven’t seen you in ten god damn years and--- and now I find out about THAT by accident! You didn’t even say a single fucking word, you asshole! Even after last night!” Eren struggled to get his hand free from my grip but I held it and took the other hand too before he could hit me with it. His tear brimmed green eyes glared at me and they were filled with so many different emotions.

“Calm down. I had my reasons, too, and I will tell you if you take down your hands and stop fighting.”

“Woha, great, reasons. Reasons for being an asshole? Seriously, fuck you!”, the boy spat out and I lost it.

“Eren Jäger”, I growled, “Stop being such a hotheaded idiot and at least pretend to have some brain left and USE it! Calm the fuck down, I’m not going to talk with you like that!”

The pressure against my hands disappeared instantly, so I dared to let his hands go. He didn’t hit me, that was a good sign, I guessed.

The only sound in the room was our breathing for some time and I began to lose my patience when Eren spoke up.

“Could you… like… go out of the room. It’s yours, I know but I just need a moment. I won’t do anything stupid. Just go, please”, he said with an unsteady voice and although I couldn’t see his face because he had turned away, I was sure that he was close to tearing up again.

“If you need me, I’ll be in the living room”, I explained when I stood up and left the room, not looking back to Eren.

I sat down on the sofa in the living room but it didn’t felt right, so I just flopped down to the side, shifted on my back and covered my eyes with my arm. Only now I was noticing how much I was trembling myself, I couldn’t even take the book from the table properly. It fell down and thud on the floor, followed by the rustle of its pages.

I fucked up. I fucked up this shit so badly. I would have let out a shout of frustration if Eren wasn’t in the next room. I understood why Eren reacted like that, everybody would. Why had I thought that I could do it better?

The apartment was in complete silence and it drove me slowly crazy. I knew that Eren was there and I had hoped that he would come out or that I would hear anything from the bedroom. But nothing. I didn’t want to turn on some music neither, because no type of music would have fit and not made me even more stressed than I already was.

Then I came to the realization that Eren hadn’t left the bedroom all morning. And to get to the bathroom, he would have to cross the living room. Where I was.

I stood up from the sofa, after picking up the book from the floor and putting it back on the table, and walked to the bedroom door to knock. Eren didn’t answer but I was sure that he was awake and could hear me.

“Eren, I’m going out for some time, I think I’ll return around 10 o’clock. If you want to take a shower, there are some towels beneath the sink. And you should be able to find the fridge. Just don’t make a mess, ok?” I received no answer again. There couldn’t happen anything while I was away, Eren wouldn’t do anything stupid.

It had been coincidence that I was wearing some clothes I could also wear in public. However, nothing but a shirt, old jeans, a jacket and my boots were a bad choice for this weather. It was cold as balls this morning, cloudy and windy, even worse than the last days. Winter was definitely coming it was only a question of time when the first stupid Christmas decorations were in the stores. Maybe even before they would sell Halloween stuff. No thank you. I had three idiots who were amazed by the idea of Christmas and Halloween parties, I didn’t need to see that crap before.

Because of the shitty weather, the streets were nearly empty. In the city center, there would be more people because everyone goes shopping on Saturday and needs to bother with their existence here on earth by filling the parking lots and streets.

I didn’t go that far. There was a small bakery only a few streets away and they were one of the few shops where tea didn’t taste like dishwater. I bought a few things for me and sweet pastries for Eren before I sat down at one of the tables with the tea in the one hand and the bag with the food in the other. I would go back when I had finished the tea and based on its temperature right now, it would take it’s time.

Suddenly I started to doubt if Eren would stay in my apartment when I wasn’t there. He could just pack his things and go. Start to ignore me again, maybe blocking my number this time because he doesn’t want to talk to me. He would have all reasons to do so. We just agreed on trying the boyfriend-thing yesterday and today the whole world had rotated around 180 degree. I didn’t know if Eren wanted to stay my boyfriend, now that he knew about the past.

Why was I even expecting him to stay?

My inner monologue and discussion with myself would have go on if the cup I gripped a bit too forcefully with both hands wouldn’t have become so uncomfortably hot that I nearly dropped it when I noticed the heat. Seriously, this… thing or whatever you want to call my situation was going to kill me one day. Directly or indirectly.

Back in the apartment complex I took a long, deep breath before I even put out my key. Eren was either still in there or not. It could be that he wanted to see me or it could be that he still didn’t want to see me. And I didn’t know what I would do if any of this options would get real. I took a second deep breath when I opened the door.

It was still silent in the apartment but that was expected. The question was if Eren was here or not.

“Eren, I’m back”, I shouted while taking of shoes and jacket because I didn’t want to scare him if I suddenly appeared again. And I had hoped for some kind of answer I didn’t get.

Then, in the living room, I saw him sitting on the sofa. His legs were drawn up to his chest, his arms hugged his legs and his chin lied on top of the knees, he stared off to nowhere. I know he had noticed I was there when his eyes looked in my direction for a second. I took the fact that he was sitting at one end of the sofa and was not in the bedroom as invitation for sitting down next to him.

“Why didn’t you tell me when you first noticed that you know me?”, Eren asked, turning his face in my direction but sat still in that awkward position.

He had to start with the most difficult question, of course. Because there was so damn much. Well, not really this much but it was difficult to explain anyway.

“I thought it was for the best when you don’t know it. I couldn’t have imagined that my disappearance ten years ago would have led to your fights and the other problems. And I wasn’t sure if you’d still remember it”, I answered.

“What did make you think it would be better?”, he asked again without reacting to my answer. He had had time to think while I had been away and now I would have to answer all of the questions he asked. I wanted to answer them all.

“Your parents wouldn’t want to see me again and what had happened back then was shitty enough. Even before I knew that you had… feelings for me, I didn’t want to get involved with you. I wasn’t sure how much you remembered and I didn’t want to open old wounds again.”

Eren let out a long shaky breath and leant his head back against the backrest.

“Then why did you allow me to get in contact with you. I know I had asked that already last time but you hadn’t given me a proper answer back then.”

“Honestly, I don’t know. You were making your way into my life and I just couldn’t bring myself to throw you out again. I had lost you one… and I don’t want to lose you again.”

The face of the boy next to me contorted for a moment like he was going to cry again but regained his composure quickly after a few breaths, his eyes closed. He let go from his leg with one hand and reached out in my direction and I took his hand in mine.

“Don’t you think it’s weird. We lived in the same house for over one year, my parents were our parents and y-you were my brother. And now. Fuck. Is it weird that I still want to be your boyfriend?”, he whispered.

Despite our shitty situation, I couldn’t help but smile a bit. I reached out with my other hand carefully to cup his cheek and he leaned into the touch with half-lidded, still confused eyes.

“It’s not weird, you idiot. I wouldn’t have asked out you yesterday if I thought so all along. Do you understand me?” A soft smile crept on Eren’s face.

“I understand”, he whispered before he sat up from his balled up position, turning in my direction and crawled a bit towards me. His eyes asked for permission, as always; his eyes were always the window to his soul and he opened its curtains every time I looked in his eyes. The dull green curtain that sometimes covered the beauty of his eyes.

I gave him the permission and closed my eyes.

The kiss was completely different from the last. The one yesterday had been hesitant, to sum it up, it had been a beginner-kiss. Today I made sure that I poured every single emotion into this kiss and Eren did the same. Anger, joy, fear, regret, relief, everything. It burned but it felt wonderful. He moved his chapped lips against mine, first slowly, then only a bit faster and he opened his lips and so did I. Our tongues met somewhere in the middle between our locked mouths.

I only barely noticed that Eren’s hands came up to my chest to push me down on the sofa. As soon as I lied completely, we had to end our kiss because we both needed oxygen. Eren pulled back a bit to lie down on my chest.

“Wow”, I heard him whisper and I actually snorted. I seriously didn’t know many people who would end a kiss with such a comment.

“That’s all you have to say, Jäger?” He gave me one of his one-thousand-watt-smiles that maybe was a bit cocky this time.

“Make a better suggestion then”

“What about keeping your mouth shut?”, I asked but he knew I wasn’t serious as he smacked my shoulder playfully.

“You know I can’t. I’m always talking a lot”, he gave back, sticking out his tongue in a childish way.

“I’m already regretting this.”

“You’re not, you ass”

“No, really. A tongue kiss transfers about 80 millions of bacteria within ten seconds. I should be utterly disgusted.” I hadn’t seen his completely-cute-confused-and-disbelieving-face for some time, I had to see it again. Then he groaned and pressed his face into the fabric of my shirt.

“… Seriously? Levi, seriously? Too much information, ok? You didn’t really say that right now, did you?” I really didn’t have to answer this. His next groan turned into a content hum when I started to play with the messy brown hair. I could lie here forever.

“Where have you been all the time”, the boy sighed and I stopped my hands. “I want you to tell me everything that happened to you in the last ten years. Where you’ve been and what you’ve done.” And I wanted to tell him everything; there was shit that I didn’t and couldn’t tell him right now but I wanted to tell him everything in the end. After all the pain, he deserved it.

“Alright, kid. But you haven’t eaten anything today. How about that first.” Before Eren could answer, his stomach growled in response.

“Get up. You’re heavy, even when your stomach is empty.”


	12. Dear Past II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What do you want to know, Eren?”, I asked, leaning back on my chair, stretching out my legs and folding my arms in front of my chest.  
> Eren put down the sweet pastry he was eating and looked directly at me.  
> “I want to know everything. I’m sick of this state of not knowing.”  
> Then I began to tell him everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone and hi to everyone who's new!  
> I don't know how this happened to be this much already, I hadn't thought I would come this far when I planned this. Thank you for all the feedback for the last chapter. You're all wonderful!  
> My finals are starting next week, I really hope that I will find some time to write (or to find inspiration..).  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter! Feedback is always appreciated.  
> See you in two weeks!

“I think I get why you’re this short. There’s nothing but junk food in your cupboard.” If Eren wasn’t currently standing behind me and wasn’t hugging me from behind so I could have reached for him, then he should fear me.

“You’re worse than Hanji and Erwin, you know that?”, I commented and pulled out two glasses and two plates, “They think I’m going to shrink if I don’t eat something else.”

“Then I could put my head on top of yours all the time, that would be really cool!”

“Tch, get off me, brat. Otherwise you won’t get to eat anything. And by the way, I’m sure you’re going to become even taller in a few years, the thought alone pisses me off.”

“Rude”, I heard Eren snickering but he actually let go so I could take the last things out of cupboard and drawers.

“Says the one who just offended my height. Since when are you this stupidly confident?”

“Since I know that you actually won’t throw me out or hit me although I’m talking shit?”

“Watch your language, kid.”

“Pft, never.”

Being with Eren like this felt good, really good. Especially now after I had told him that I’ve known him before. It’s a bit like the last missing piece of our communication-puzzle came back. Maybe that’s not the best comparison but yeah. Deal with it, I think it fits. Of course a relationship was supposed like this but in our case we had a shitty backstory and still it came so easily.

“Can we listen to some music?”, Eren asked and when I nodded, he turned on the radio on the kitchen counter. I didn’t know that song since I usually preferred good music you couldn’t listen to the music on the radio, but it was nice background noise. There wasn’t much to talk about right now. I was sure that Eren’s mind still was processing everything.

The coffee I made for Eren was ready and we sat down.

“You’re not going to eat anything?”

“No, not really. I’ve already eaten a bit and had a tea before you’ve woken up. I can’t understand how you’re supposed to eat much in the morning. It’s fucking disgusting. If you comment on my height again, I will throw you out”, I explained. Eren hummed in response, took a bite of the pastries and thankfully swallowed before he opened his mouth again.

“Why do you have a coffee machine plus like 15 different types of coffee if the only thing you’re drinking is tea”, he sounded confused and I had to grin a bit when I answered.

“Hanji made me buy the machine for them when they stay overnight because they need a shit load of coffee when they have a hangover. And every time they come, they bring another pack of coffee because they want to try something new. But it’s pretty practical; I never have to buy it when Erwin visits me, too.” The boy at the other side of the table suddenly looked kind of disappointed, then looked past me into the nowhere. It took me a moment to realize what I had said.

“Eren, hey Eren. I already told you what I don’t have these feelings for Erwin anymore, we ended our relationship years ago and I don’t want you to be jealous because of something nonexistent.” Well, there were still issues Eren and I had to work on. “But if you want to, we can have dinner with him and his fiancé. I guess stupid Eyebrows would like to see you again.”

“He’s engaged?! Wow, I didn’t see that coming. When I was younger I was sure that you two would marry one day. Probably because I didn’t knew better. And you’re really calling him ‘eyebrows’? But you’re right, it’s the only thing I remember…”, Eren tried to lighten the mood and continued eating, although I could see the gears in his head working.

“What do you want to know, Eren?”, I asked, leaning back on my chair, stretching out my legs and folding my arms in front of my chest. It might have happened that my feet met his feet accidentally under the table but if we were already there, why not staying.

Eren covered my feet with his before he lay down the sweet thing he was eating and looked directly at me.

“I want to know everything. I’m sick of this state of not knowing.”

Then I began to tell him everything.

_It was the year after I’d become 17 and Eren had a sleepover with Armin when the Smiths were visiting for dinner. I usually hated those dinners because although I was nearly adult, I wouldn’t be able to find a possibility to talk with them. Adult talks. Political shit and the two women would talk about fashion or whatever the neighbor three streets away had done._

_However that evening, their oldest son was coming with them. Erwin Smith, twenty, the pride of the whole family. I didn’t like meeting new people and I was sure that I wouldn’t like him but, hell, I fell for that guy. Staying in contact with him was another story, we’re talking about a time when not everyone had a mobile and to make matters worse, he was away quite often. A few months later we were dating._

_I knew if Grisha would ever find out about that, I was most likely to get killed. He would never accept it although I was kind of his son, even if not related by blood. Therefore, only a few people know it. Very few people: Erwin, Hanji, Petra and I._

_But you know how stupid teenagers are, going to parties and getting drunk without even being old enough to touch hard liquor. I was one of them as well. Maybe because Foureyes forced me to go out every weekend and fucking Erwin or even Petra supported them. Then there was this stupid party, I was drunk and I couldn’t stay the night with Erwin because he had an appointment early in the morning of the next day. That was when I decided to kiss him in the middle of the street in front of our house, believing that Carla and Eren were already asleep and Grisha had a night shift in the hospital. In our alcohol hazed minds we didn’t even realize that said man was just on his way home and saw us. But I knew I was in big trouble when I heard the door opening behind me again. That was it._

Eren remembered the rest of the story, so I didn’t have to go through the conversation again. I lost Eren that damn night.

_I packed everything that was important to me and left, called first Erwin, then Hanji and they called Petra and I stayed the night with all of them. The time after that night, I lived with Erwin’s family, later in Erwin’s apartment, not in Shiganshina but in Trost. First a few days, then weeks, months. I wasn’t even 18 and if anyone would find out that I wasn’t living with the Jägers anymore, they would have taken me to another foster family or what do I know, but I had enough of it. I just wanted to have some rest from all that bullshit that had happened and needed my time to process everything. And to block out._

_The time wasn’t easy and I relayed on Erwin’s family way too much, I knew that, but I had no other options. They were understanding, even when I started to wear punk clothes that didn’t fit in the tidy image of the Smiths at all. They respected what I wanted. They were a wonderful family but I missed Eren during that time a lot._

_Although somebody had frozen my bank account, everything for school was still payed. I suspected that it was Carla’s doing, this woman was an angel in this horrible world. I prayed to god or whatever that Grisha wouldn’t found out and that she was doing well since I couldn’t find out myself and Grisha didn’t want any contact to my boyfriend’s family anymore when they found out that he was dating me._

_I finished school with a mediocre degree, only thanks to Erwin and Petra I studies something. With my “fuck school, fuck life, fuck everything”-attitude, I wouldn’t have come far. Discussions for a few hours until they could persuade me to read this paragraph again until I understood it. Nights without sleep because I had to learn so damn much and wouldn’t even remember half of it on the other day and the other half of this stuff would be useless. Or because I couldn’t sleep at all. And cried for hours when I couldn’t deal with the situation anymore. My insomnia became worse than constipation._

I didn’t tell Eren everything I was thinking of now. I had been weak during that time, even now when I was telling him all of this, I felt weak, and I did never want Eren to see me this weak, I had been his older brother after all. It’s not like I’m ashamed of it, I just was fucked up to unrepairable. Even now and Eren didn’t know it and I didn’t want to tell that part of the story today. I hadn’t even reached that point in the storyline.

When I had a small break of talking, I uncrossed my hands from my chest and Eren took them in his instantly. I was surprised but Eren smiled at me reassuringly.

_I started to work at Hanji’s madhouse when I was twenty after dropping a vocational training. I know that it was stupid but I didn’t take my superiors shit. You think it’s fun to make jokes about the 5’3’’-Punk. Let me tell you, it’s not funny. And they would have thrown me out anyway when they’d found out that trainee had come to work with a few bruises because he had insulted me. Hanji paid actually pretty well but I worked on some other jobs as well – as long as they accepted me – until I ran out of steam and stayed in Hanji’s café. They appreciated that of course with hugs and all that typical-four-eyes-excitement._

_In the same year Erwin and I broke off. It just didn’t feel right anymore. Like I was working here and there and Erwin was on the way to become the youngest CEO in the history of the company he started to work in, was abroad every few weeks, had important meetings. We slowly drifted apart and he wasn’t even surprised when I asked him if we could end this. I never meant to lose him as friend, I just didn’t felt for him in a sexually or romantically way anymore._

_Two years later, Petra became ill, it all happened so fast. We tried to be there for her all the time, visited the doctors with her and told her that everything would be alright until the end. When we were talking about “everything will be alright”, we soon realized that it wasn’t even about getting healthy again because it was sure that this would not happen. It was about making sure that she mustn’t stop fighting until the end. It sounds like it doesn’t make sense at all but to us, it did._

I told Eren that Petra was another reason why I had feared to be with him. I had lost him once, then only a few years later Petra, I never knew how far I was allowed to let people into my life without regretting it. Eren nodded in response and tried to act brave despite the tears that welled up in his eyes. His thumbs were rubbing tiny circles on my hands.

I wanted to look into his eyes the whole time I was talking to him, I really tried, but, hey, I was pouring out everything inside of me and laid it down on a silver tablet for him to show him how much I cared for him and that I couldn’t stand the fact that he was so unknowing about the time I had been away as well. I wanted to show him how honest I was with him but it was bloody difficult.

_When I was 25, we were involved in that car crash. Two weeks in hospital, several injuries and something was wrong with the connection between hip and my left leg. I hoped that it would go back to normal after a few weeks since it wasn’t broken and I had thought that a therapist wasn’t necessary. Still, Hanji forced me to go there but after a few weeks, I decided that I didn’t like this shitty quacksalver and didn’t go there anymore. Looking back to it, I should have forced myself to it, the pills I had to take every morning were evidence enough._

I took a final deep breath and straightened myself.

“That’s it. I’ve talked enough for today”, I said. Eren just stared at me like a deer in the headlights.

“Wow”, was his first comment. The vocabulary of this kid was a-fucking-mazing. However, his face was saying something different. He looked like he was going to break right now again.

“If you’re thinking it’s your entire fault, it’s not. You couldn’t have changed it and I’m alive. So don’t worry”, I tried to explain to him but the damage was already done. Great.

“It’s not--- It’s not. I could have helped you. If my parents hadn’t. If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have gotten problems in school and everything that came with it.”, the boy said sadly.

“I already told you, it’s not your fault. You weren’t even ten when it happened.”

“I could have told my parents to leave you alone!”, he suddenly shouted and this time I shouted back although not as loud as he did and pulled my hands out of his.

“Do you really think they would have listened? This place would have become living hell for me and you. It was shit, but everything that happened after that was better than what would have happened if I stayed with you.

Do you remember when you said that nobody understands you? Well, I try to understand you, because I lost you, too, and did fucking stupid things because of that and missed you every single day. Now try to understand ME. This one time, Eren. I just couldn’t stay.” I lowered my voice at the end of my little speech because, honestly, I didn’t want to shout at Eren. He didn’t deserve it. Eren opened his mouth a few times like he wanted to say something but didn’t shout at me again in the end. We stayed silent for some time before he muttered a short “Sorry”.

“It’s ok. Do you want to do something? I don’t want to sit around anymore.” I stood up, not even waiting for a real answer. Eren looked up to me and smiled a bit. Yes, it will work out somehow. I was sure about that.

 

 

Since we were both pretty uncreative when it came to think of something to do now, we decided on watching anything. I know, we’re boring, but we didn’t have a better idea. At least in the beginning. Eren was leaning against me as we were sitting on the couch and I had my arm around his waist. We were about one third into the movie, an action movie (because there was no way I would watch a romance movie like in every run-of-the-mill romance novel and I was sure that Eren was on the same page), when the first small touches began. My hand first found its way under his sweater, then his shirt. Was that still the shirt from last night? Gross. But I couldn’t really care right now.

Eren’s breath hitched and while he was still watching the movie, his left hand moved across my lap to rub against my upper thigh with his thumb. Didn’t think that this kid would be so confident. I tilted my head a bit, so I could kiss Eren’s neck and cheeks, small pecks against his skin but suddenly met his own lips when he turned his head.

A movie has never become this uninteresting so rapidly.

Eren’s lips moved against mine slowly, sensually, and I noticed somewhere in my hazed mind that his hand had left my thigh to cup my face. I pulled him closer by his hip but it wasn’t close enough. I wanted to have him closer, feel more of him. Eren seemed to feel the same, he pulled away a bit to change his position and straddle my legs. His head was even higher now than usually when he stood but it didn’t make much of a difference when he leaned down to kiss me again. I rubbed my hands against his thighs then moved higher, under his clothes again. Eren’s body was so hot, his stomach felt perfect under my hands. He actually whimpered when my fingertips brushed against the small ball of his piercing.

“You like that?”, I breathed when our lips weren’t locked for a second. I received a nod and a small moan as answer.

I didn’t care about anything in this moment; I just wanted to remember all of what happened. It felt wonderful, it burned and I hoped that Eren felt the same.

“Fuck, Levi, I---”

 _“bzzzt”_ , the sudden sound of vibration of something startled both of us.

Goddammit, no. My mobile. Somebody was calling. Seriously, a shittier timing wasn’t possible. I cursed that somebody in my head.

 _“bzzzt_ ”

“Is that your mobile?”, Eren asked. No, of course not. It’s a vibrator I don’t own that makes this noise. I was pretty pissed right now.

“Yeah…”

“Shouldn’t you answer it?”, Eren asked again.

“I don’t know. It’s probably just Hanji, telling me that they are taking a shit.”

_“bzzzt”_

“Seems to be a long shit.” Shit-jokes are my territory, Jäger.

 _“bzzzt”_ It was definitely not Hanji anymore, they wouldn’t try to reach me for such a long time. Seems like it was something really important.

“Could you get off? I think I have to answer”

“Uh, what? Oh, oh, sure”, Eren blurted out embarrassed. He sat down on the sofa next to me, looking at the hands in his lap like he was overthinking his life choices.

And the person bothering us was… Marco? Had Hanji finally managed to burn down their café?

“Yes?”

“Ah, Levi? Marco here. Is Eren still with you?, I heard his voice on the receiver.

“Yeah, why?”

“Good, well, not good. Jean tried to call him about five times already but he isn’t answering. His sister apparently has called him to ask where he is and when he’ll come home and now she’s panicking because he doesn’t answer her and Jean is panicking because Mikasa called him and he couldn’t come up with more excuses when she called for the third time”, Marco explained, trying to cover the background noises of somebody – probably Jean – complaining about Eren.

“Ok, that’s really not good. Wait a moment… Eren? Did you check your phone today?” Eren’s eyes widened instantly that I feared they would plop out of his head. He jumped of the sofa and stumbled to the bedroom, muttering different swearwords I didn’t even thought he would know.

“Eren will call, don’t worry”, I reassured Marco.

“Great. Good. I hope that Jean will stop freaking out. Thanks!”  

I ended the call and I just wanted to get up to look if Eren was alright when slowly sunk in what we’d just done. Should I be thankful for Marco’s call? Maybe? I don’t know. I didn’t know how far we would have gone if we weren’t interrupted. Shit, shit shit. I tended to forget that Eren wasn’t even of legal age and our relationship was still more fragile than thin ice. I didn’t even want to know how this could have ended. I had to get myself together and maybe start to think next time.

“Eren?”, I called out as I stood in the doorway to the bedroom. He was sitting on the bed, typing something on his phone and was still mumbling a shower of cusses.

“Fuck, fuck, Mikasa wrote me about twenty messages and called me and realized that I was not staying at Jean’s place. She’s going to kill me!!” I just wanted to tell him that I was not going to wish all the mess away if he gets killed, when his phone vibrated again. It was mute, so that why he didn’t hear it. Eren answered the call frantically, looking at me with horror.

“Mikasa?”, he asked carefully but was taken aback when the person on the other side of the line started to talk very fast in an aggressive way. Eren’s panicked face got even worse and he covered his face with his free hand. Although it was probably rude, I sat down next to him to hear their conversation. She was talking loud enough so I could hear it without using the speaker and Eren seemed to be ok with it.

“I know I should have called, I’m sorry. I had my phone on mute and it was in another room. But I’m doing fine, rea---”

_“Eren, I called you about 10 times. You didn’t answer the messages. I didn’t even expect you to call me, you could have answered the messages or my calls. I was worried!”_

“I just told you. I didn’t hear the phone. It was mute. But I’m fine, thank you for asking.”

“ _I called Jean_ ”, the female voice said and Eren winced, “ _I actually believed him in the beginning that you were still asleep or that you were taking a shower or what do I know. But you know what, after calling 3 times, I realized that you are not at Jean house. What kind of dumb game do you idiots play?!”_

Eren took my hand in his before he answered, looking at me honestly scared and I gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

“Mikasa, you’re right. I… I didn’t stay at Jean’s house.”

 _“Then where are you_?”

“I spent the night with a friend.”

“ _’a friend’. Do I know that ‘friend’_?”

“Yeah… you do. I’ll tell you, when I get home, ok? I will go now, so I’m at home in twenty minutes. Don’t tell Mum or Dad, please.”

“ _Okay Eren, 20 minutes, not more. I want an explanation. You can call yourself lucky because they are both not at home at the moment._ ”

“Thanks. See you.”

The call ended and Eren let out a long shakily breath before he let himself fall back on the bed.

“ShitshitSHIT! I totally forgot that Mikasa would call to make sure I’m alright. I don’t want to go home, I mean, I love my life, I don’t want to die that young!”, Eren groaned in defeat. Honestly, I didn’t like the idea of a dead Eren this much.

“Now calm the fuck down, she’s not going to kill you.”

“If I’m lucky, yeah…”, he mutters and sits up to look at me. “So… It looks like I have to go.”

I didn’t want him to go at all. I wanted him to fucking stay here so I could be sure that he was safe from everyone. At his home, there would await him a lot of problems we couldn’t even avoid if he stayed here.

“Seems to be the most reasonable option” I really didn’t want him to go this time.

“Hey, Levi, I know that it wasn’t nice of me to tell Mikasa that you’re ‘only’”, he signed the quotation marks into the air, “a friend but I want to talk to her face to face because otherwise she would have gone through the telephone”,   he said and gave me a quick kiss with a small apologetic smile on his lips.

“I know. Should I drive you?” Eren’s smile brightened instantly.

“That would be awesome. I’m too lazy right now to ride by bus or walk.”

“But you can walk to the car by yourself?”

“Carry me!”

“Fuck you, Jäger.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do me the favour and don't start hating Mikasa now. It's not as bad as it seems.


	13. Dear Sister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren gets home after the night with Levi and has to explain a few things to his sister.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you for your feedback on the last chapter, especially for your nice comments! I don't have much to say this time, just that the my written exams are finally over and I will have more time to write again. Which is really good, school's coming to an end.   
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Coming home never felt this strange. Not because I’d been away for one night. When I had left yesterday, things had been different. I hadn’t been dating Levi, I hadn’t known that Levi was my adopted brother and I hadn’t feared that Mikasa was going to kill me. Or worse, going to hate me because of whatever reason. Yes, that would be worse.

However, I was sure that I could never look into my father’s eyes again. He had lied to me, even threatened with therapy if I didn’t shut up, had hurt Levi, not even physically but emotionally as well. The list of things he didn’t even know he was responsible for was endless. Just because of his narrow-minded view. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I would shout at him without any self-control. He hated Levi, not only my boyfriend but also the person who had been very important to me when I had been younger, he would hate me, too, if he ever found out. He would, one day, and I hoped that I wouldn’t be there on that day.

Because I was afraid as well.

And now I was standing there, in front of the door and was trying to decide if it was more stupid to ring the bell or to use the keys. Levi had dropped me off at the street corner, far enough away that Mikasa wouldn’t be able to see him. Of course, he hadn’t let me go before I had promised him that I was not going to say something stupid and not to do anything stupid. And he had told me that I should call him, no matter how this conversation with Mikasa would end.

When we had to say goodbye (I really wanted to stay with him) I almost said “I love you”. But only almost. Our relationship was still new although I had known him for a few years actually and I didn’t know how he would react if I suddenly dropped the l-word. Still, I somehow knew that these feelings for him were valid.

The fact, that Levi was my adopted brother, had shocked me in some ways. When I had looked at the wall in his room, I hadn’t thought that I would find out exactly that. Although this whole this was making my head hurt, to know what was going on made me feel better, much better. I wasn’t insane or crazy and I hadn’t imagined all the things that had happened when Levi had lived with us. I had spent years on convincing myself that it had been a dream or a lie or one of those imaginary friends little children have sometimes. It had been nothing of this. Maybe it was good.

Maybe it was bad. I had feared my father’s judgement before, but now I knew what would happen if I’d told him. There had been evenings when I had thought about just telling my parents that I’m gay. It had been a good idea not to say anything at all. Luckily, it seemed that my Mum still supported Levi like her own son. As far as I understood him, she had paid college and so on. At least one ally. And my friends, of course.

To be honest, I still had to figure out a few things. Like, how far was I allowed to go? What had happened today before Marco had called had been nice, very nice, sure, but hey, remember what I had said about “new relationship”? Just pretend for a moment that Marco hadn’t called; would I still be on the sofa with Levi, making out or in his bedroom, having sex or already in the mental state of confusion of “What the fuck had just happened”. Well, it was my mental state even with Marco’s call. It’s been the best thing I had ever experienced and that was creepy. I would probably lie awake tonight and think about the way Levi kissed me. Because, wow, he was a damn fine kisser.

I hoped that I would get the time to figure out all of it and that Levi would help me.

Right now, I maybe should concentrate on my talk with Mikasa, not about Levi’s wonderful tongue skills. I was thinking about just turning around and going wherever but that wouldn’t really help much, I guess.

I took a deep breathe, took the keys from my pocket and opened the door.

After I’d put my jacket and shoes in the wardrobe, I walked to the living room and then to the kitchen, looking for Mikasa, but I couldn’t find her in one of the two rooms. My next guess was her room, I went upstairs and knocked at the door, and waited for a approving hum from the inside. She was in her room sitting at her desk and looked at me with a murderous glance.

“I was thinking about calling you again, you said 20 minutes”, she began.

“Look Mikasa, I’m sorry. I should have called this morning and answered the phone, then we wouldn’t even have this discussion now. The traffic was horrible” The last thing was a lie, I was sure that it took this long because of our a bit longer than originally intended good-bye kiss and Levi telling me that everything would turn out right until I believed him.

“There’s not much traffic right now”, my sister deadpanned and I winced.

“Or maybe we just… were slow”, I tried but I’m sure she didn’t believe me at all.

“Who is ‘we’, Eren?”, she asked, turning the chair fully in my direction. That’s it, we all knew that this would come.

“Levi and I”, I stated. I should have taken a picture of Mikasa’s face in this moment, it was priceless.

“Levi?”                                       

“Levi.”

“The annoying midget from the concert who tries to pretend that punk’s not dead?”, Mikasa asked in confusion like she couldn’t believe me, rising one eyebrow.

“Do you know another Levi. And he’s not a midget, he’s not annoying and… I’m not going to repeat the rest because it’s too much and you know it’s not true.”, I tried to explain but that didn’t make it better, I guess. To hear Mikasa speak about my boyfriend so lightly hurt. Levi was more than what you’d see at first view, so much more. There was so much hidden behind his stoic mask and I was glad that he allowed me to look behind it.

“Not annoying? You were the one who was nearly fighting with him at the concert and now you say something like that? And why were you even staying the night with him, you told all of us that you wanted to drive home with Jean? What did I miss? Since when are you even friends with him?”

I was thinking about a fitting answer, something not too provocative but not a lie at the same time. Mikasa sometimes seemed to be a bit overprotective, a lot of people had said it to me in the past but I don’t think so, actually. She cared for me and I think it comes from her adoption when she had lost her parents. If I was in the same situation I would be very concerned about my family, too. Well, I was even now but not in the way she would feel. I didn’t want to lose her trust in me and the connection we had.

“Since the evening at the café where he and Marco are working and you told me I have to apologize to him. He can be nice, too, really.” When he wasn’t making shit-jokes or we weren’t insulting each other but I left out that part for the situation’s sake.

“That doesn’t explain why you slept over at his place, you don’t even really know him.”

“I think I know him pretty well, I don’t see a problem with my actions.”

“Oh, yes? What makes you this sure?”, Mikasa raised one eyebrow again and looked at me expectantly which was rare for her because her usual stoic mask.

“Because he’s my boyfriend.”

The world stopped spinning for a moment. Mikasa looked at me with the same expression, that mask suddenly fell down and she looked honestly surprised.

“You’re joking, right?”, she asked shocked, “Eren, you’re joking right? I-I’m not even talking about the fact that you’re dating someone who is male. But Eren, you’re not dating HIM, are you?”

“I’m not joking. We were talking about it about one week ago and last night, we set it.” When she realized that as well, her expression became harder again.

“I think that’s a very bad idea, Eren. He’s how much older than you are? 7 years? 9? And look at him. How he walks around in his stupid clothes and ---”

“His clothes are not stupid! I like them, ok? And I don’t fucking care how old he is, I like him and he likes me back so don’t come with any damn points. You don’t know Levi. I know he’s not as bad as everybody thinks! You see why I didn’t want to tell you I slept there last night? Because you wouldn’t understand, even if I--- ”

“EREN! Stop shouting!”, she interrupted me suddenly and I realized that I had shouted, and probably very loud, too.

“I’m sorry.”

“You better are. Be happy that Mum and Dad aren’t here right now”, she added with a calmer voice but she seemed to be taken aback about my outburst. I hated it when I got angry because I wasn’t functioning correctly then and I couldn’t really control it and most of the time, I felt bad and guilty afterwards.

“I don’t like Levi, but I get the feeling that I can’t change your mind, right?” She leaned back in her chair again, watching me closely. I wasn’t going to show any weakness. I wasn’t going to lose her or Levi. I needed to know that Mikasa wasn’t going to be against me or my relationship with Levi.

“Believe me, he can be nice if he wants to. He just needs to… open up a bit. I do trust him, I hope you understand that”, I tried to explain which was kind of difficult since he didn’t open up to many people. Most of the ones who knew him would never really know him.

Mikasa pulled the red scarf over the lower half of her face, making her expression unreadable. It was a stupid habit of my sister, just like I did bite the skin beneath my thumb when I was nervous or stressed. Did Levi have a habit like this as well? Except from cleaning? I hadn’t noticed one until now.

While my thoughts were drifting off to Levi’s habits, I’m sure she was thinking about an argument she could use against me but when she looked into my eyes again, I knew that it would turn out alright.

“So you really mean this, Eren? You really like him like that? He’s not hurting or forcing you to anything?”

“What? No! I mean, yes, I do lo—like him. And he would never hurt me or force me, don’t think that bad of him.” I had been able to swallow the l-word in the last second, again. It was too soon and Mikasa wasn’t the person who should hear it as first person.

Mikasa hummed but stayed silent to look at me again. The tension in the room was nearly unbearable and I felt like I was going to leave or do anything stupid because I couldn’t really take it anymore. I wanted an answer and patience wasn’t my strong suit.

My sister finally spoke up: “If he is ever going to hurt you, I’ll break his neck, you can tell him that.”

“So… you’re ok with… us?”, I asked carefully.

“It’s not like I’m super happy about it, but you probably know that”, she muttered into her scarf and made a sudden noise of surprise when I hugged her tightly.

“Thank you, Mikasa, really thank you”, I whispered. She hugged me back awkwardly; I couldn’t help and smiled.

“Do the others already know?” I shook my head.

“I’m sure they assuming it but I haven’t said anything until now. Reiner and Connie were annoying me last night”

“I understand them. After all, they bet that you’re gay.”

“They what?”, I exclaimed and pulled out of Mikasa’s hug. A few seconds later I remembered the bet Armin had mentioned.

“It’s the bet, right. If I’m going to have a boy- or girlfriend. Why is everyone so keen on getting me into a relationship? Enlighten me”, I groaned, sitting down on Mikasa’s bed. She gave me the that’s-my-stuff-stare but I ignored it, waiting for her to explain the whole thing.

“Yeah, that bet. I thought you were going to date a girl, I don’t know. Although the majority already said it would be a guy.” I groaned again.

“Great, just great. Anything else I should know?”

“No”, came the short answer.

“Good. Another thing: Don’t tell Mum or Dad anything, please, I don’t need these problems. Promise me, ok?”

“I promise. I don’t even think that Mum would be mad or totally freak out, but Dad? Don’t worry, your secret’s save with me. Although I can tell you now that the whole squad will wait for you to reveal everything. And don’t do anything stupid, okay?”

“I won’t”, I promised with a nod and my sister seemed to be satisfied with my answer.

The strange thing about the whole situation was that it was nearly the same as it had been with Levi and me. When I had found out that he had a boyfriend, I’d been scared that he would leave me and my parents. Mikasa was scared, too, I knew it. She wouldn’t tell this bluntly, but you could see it. I hoped that I didn’t have to disappoint her. Still, I didn’t know if I could keep that promise. If my father would really throw me out, Mikasa would lose her family again. I didn’t want this to happen, just thinking about that possibility hurt. I had experienced it myself and I would never want to feel that feeling again.

“I’ll go to my room. See you later”, I announced before Mikasa could notice how much I was pondering about the current situation and as soon as I was out of her room, I took my phone to call Levi.

The first time I tried the line was busy, so I plopped down on the bed and decided that I’s wait a few minutes and then try again. I waited for exactly 30 seconds (at least, that’s what the clock on my nightstand said) before I tried it again. Maybe it wasn’t that effective because the line was probably still busy but I wanted to talk to Levi as soon as possible. Although things turned out pretty well, I was still a nervous wreck about everything. The last 15 hours had been too eventful for my mind. Just hearing Levi’s voice would hopefully calm me down.

I couldn’t reach Levi, of course, maybe he was talking to Hanji and if he did, there was no way I’d be able to speak to him today. They would probably talk to him until Levi became deaf or Hanji got a knot in their tongue. Since I couldn’t talk to him right now, I wrote a short message to tell him that Mikasa wasn’t as mad as expected, that I was still alive and if he could call me when he had some time.

In the meantime, I changed my clothe that still were the ones from yesterday. My hoodie smelled like smoke and fire when I pulled him over my head. It made my smile like crazy: I had already experienced a few of Connie’s and Sasha’s bonfires but last night had been perfect, better than any other bonfire they had before. Maybe it was because of the weather and the sky and just all my friends being there, not thinking about school and just having fun. Maybe it was because Levi had been there.

When I peeled off the shirt I wore beneath the hoodie… it smelled like Levi. Which shouldn’t even be much of a surprise since I had slept in it and Levi had cuddled me apparently the whole night long. But it smelled good, very good. I abandoned my mission changing clothes to just enjoy the smell of my shirt. Let me be a creep from time to time.

I wanted to see him again, right now. I had seen him like 30 minutes ago, I know but I missed him already. Although he had told me everything about the last 10 years, there were so many more things I wanted to ask and things I wanted to tell him. I’d have time for that later, sure. It wasn’t only talking to him. I wanted to feel him, too. Just holding him or let him hold me. I hoped that Levi wouldn’t mind if I became clingy from time to time but then I reminded myself that he had been the one to cuddle me last night.

I had finally changed my clothes and separated myself from the shirt when my phone started vibrating and Levi’s caller ID appeared on the screen. Maybe I should really put it on loud again, then I wouldn’t have to fear that miss all my calls.

“Hi!”, I greeted as I accepted the call.

_“You’re still alive_ ”, was the first thing I heard in Levi’s smooth voice. I loved his voice so much and right now I could picture him sitting in his living room with that faint smile on his lips.

“Sorry that I’ve to disappoint you, yes, I’m still alive. Luckily, Mikasa hasn’t murdered me.”

_“That’s what you said in the message. Greet your sister from me and tell her thanks for not killing you. Do you want to tell me what exactly you two discussed?”_

I thought about walking around for a moment but then decided to lie down on the bed again.

“Mhh, she was pretty surprised when I told her that I was at your apartment last night and even more surprised that uh… you’re my boyfriend.” The word still felt new on my tongue. “But then I explained a bit and she seems to be ok with it, what doesn’t mean that she’ll like you. It’s more an accepting for my sake, I think.”

_“No death threats?”_

“Well, she said that she was going to break your neck if you hurt me”, I admitted and I could practically see Levi shaking his head when I heard a small ‘tch’.

_“You know that I would never to that, Eren. It’s the last thing I would ever want for you, because you don’t deserve it…. But…_ ”, Levi’s voice stopped and I realized what he was going to say. He had already hurt me because he hadn’t told me about our past. I knew that he was still feeling guilty about it and I couldn’t help to feel a bit hurt, too, but I tried to understand him.

“It’s ok, Levi, I—I understand”, I whispered. I didn’t get an answer but I knew he was there.

“Hey Levi, I wish I could be with you right now. I really want to hug you.” This time, I received a breathy laugh.

_“Bad thing somebody had to drive home and explain the whole situation to their sister because they didn’t check their phone.”_

“It wasn’t because I forgot to look on my phone. God, I just forgot it. Everything’s fine”, I said grinning. The t-shirt I had worn before was lying next to me and I took it and smelled it again. Lemon.

“But I’d really love to see you right now”, I said again.

_“You’re so cheesy, kid… But yeah, would be nice if you were here. We hadn’t finished… the movie”_ Although Levi was saying “movie”, the sly sound in his voice only made it clear that he meant something else. And I knew to what he was referring to. I swallowed hard before I could form my question.

“Would you wanted us to finish it?”, I asked shakily. Maybe I shouldn’t be so damn nervous, he was probably only joking. I was already expecting the laugh. But it never came.

_“Only if you want to. And only if you’re ready”_ , answered Levi steadily. Fuck, he really took it serious.

“O---Ok.”

_“You can’t come over today anymore, right?”_

“No, I think not. Mum will come home later and I’m still not allowed to leave the house, you remember. The thing yesterday was an exception because Mikasa was with me. And I have to clean my room. Old habits die hard, you know”, I explained. My room didn’t look this horrible, a few clothes and books and… stuff, a usual teen room, don’t expect me to keep it as tidy as Levi did. I’m still sure that he didn’t have many hobbies apart from cleaning.

“ _’Old habits’? Are you shitting me, Eren? You still tidy the room on Saturdays? Because I helped you when you were younger?”_

“Yeah”

_“Shit. I didn’t know that I had such an influence on you.”_

“You couldn’t know that. It was just something that became a habit.” Honestly, it was so much more than just a habit. It had been one of the things I still did to have something to grab on although it was like trying to catch shadows. Like the only thing that keep me sane sometimes. I had thought that he wouldn’t come back but I wanted him to be proud of me because I still kept my room tidy.

_“If you say so. Have to go, Hanji keeps pestering me about checking out this new CD-store they want to visit. ”_ I didn’t like the feeling in my stomach when he said it. I wanted to talk more to him but I knew Hanji. They would totally drag Levi out of the apartment if they had to.

“O-Okay. I’ll try to convince my parents to drop the grounding. They can’t keep me in the house for forever. Can we talk again this evening?” Please say yes.

_“If you want to. I’ll write you a message when I have time.”_

“Cool, I mean, great. So… I guess you have to go now?”

_“Oh no, Eren”_ , I heard Levi’s slightly amused voice, _“we’re not going to play the ‘I don’t want to be the first on to hang up’-game. I’m too old for this shit.”_

“Leviii…”, I whined but with a smile on my lips.

_“You sound like Hanji.”_

“Maybe?”

_“Goddammit, brat. I’d love to talk to you more but I have to go. See you later. And don’t get killed.”_

“I’ll try. Bye.” The line was cut and I was alone again. I looked at the time on my phone, it was around midday now. I was getting hungry again. Although I had had breakfast with Levi this morning, I hadn’t have the chance to eat much. Mostly because I was listening to his story and parts of the story had made me feel sick.

I let out a sigh when I went through the conversation from this morning again. I hadn’t believed him when he had told me. There had been no way that he could be my adopted brother. I shouldn’t have shouted at him, I know, but it was the only sane explanation in my mind. That he was lying. If he hadn’t left the apartment afterwards, I didn’t know what I’d done. Like I already said: When I get angry, I don’t know how to control myself and I go overboard.

It had given me enough time to think.

Because, yes, this was totally crazy and unbelieveable. I decided that I wouldn’t tell anyone about it. I don’t mean the fact that Levi and I are dating. I mean that my father had told me that he didn’t exist and still, it had been real and I had known Levi before.

What actually meant that he had seen me as little child… Now that was somewhat embarrassing. I hadn’t even thought about that before. Like he knew almost everything about me, which isn’t much when you’re only ten and whisper stupid secrets – that aren’t really secrets – in your big brother’s ear to laugh about it. For example how horrible my grandma’s dress had looked at my birthday party. I only remembered this because I maybe had whispered a bit too loud and my grandma hadn’t been really happy about it. Things like that. Levi already knew about them. Or he knew about my nightmares I still had from time to time. He would find that out soon enough.

It was a scary thought and I, well, I didn’t really know much about him.

But there was no way I was going to let him go again.

 

Things were good, really good. Apart from school, we’re not going to talk about that. I couldn’t meet Levi often, only twice in that week after he had asked me out and both times in the café which meant that we had to keep our hands by ourselves. School was still stressful and I needed time to meet up with my friends, too. After two days I already talked him into getting Skype so whenever he and I were at home, the amount of time we spend in front of our computer screens was growing, even after only one week.  

And I realized that – call me a helpless romantic – I was falling in love with him more and more.

Things were good for these few days. Then on a Friday at the end of October, my Dad decided that he could join us for dinner once. He was spending most of his time at the hospital and came home late, eating together with him was always a rare occasion. One I never expected with a pleasant feeling.


	14. Dear Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t want to go downstairs. I didn’t want to see my father right now. I didn’t want to act like nothing had happened at all. I didn’t want to live this lie. I had to live it for about ten years and I was sick of it. And now, I even had to act like I still didn’t know anything. Because they mustn’t find out.   
> It hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, sorry it's so late, I nearly forgot it ._. Thank you for your feedback on the last chapter! I don't really have much to say this time, I think this chapter is a bit angsty ^^''   
> See you in two weeks and if you've holidays in between, enjoy them!

Dinner together with my father always ended pretty awkward. It was a bit like he didn’t know anything about me or Mikasa, and honestly, I didn’t know much about him. When people asked how my father was doing, I’d always say “I think he’s fine, he’s working a lot”. Then they would say that I should be grateful that he worked so much to bring home the money to have a comfortable life. And that’s true. He did all the hard work for us.

But that doesn’t make you a good father. Having nice clothes, enough to eat and a house to life in is fine and I wouldn’t say that money can’t make you happy. In this world, money is necessary after all. However, I’d never say that money is the only thing that can make you happy.

When I’d been younger –especially between Levi’s disappearance and Mikasa’s adoption – I missed a father figure. Somebody who could support me. But I never got it. When I had nightmares, I was told to go back to sleep because he’d have to work tomorrow. When I asked him where Rivaille is, I was told that I was imagining things. I had felt rejected. My Mum had tried to console me as far as possible but there was missing something.

Now I couldn’t see him as my real father anymore. I said Dad, what I meant was “Person that lives in the same house as me and contributed his genetic material to my life”. On the few days he was at home we rarely saw each other because I was in my room and he was in his office. It hurt sometimes.

And now I’d have to have dinner together with him and my family. I’d have to tell him that school’s alright and that I don’t have any troubles with studies. I’d have to tell him that I tried my hardest not to get into any fights. Most of the things I said were the truth but I couldn’t tell him everything, it was like talking to a stranger. Especially after I had seen him hurting Levi back then. Although I had thought that it had been a dream, I had scared me and created a distance between him and myself.

Mikasa felt the same. As much as she loved our Mum, she’d never understand Grisha. She was talking with him even less than I did and nobody ever questioned it since she was silent most of the time. If you knew her even a bit, you would notice that the silence towards my Dad was completely different from the one when she was with my friends and me or with Mum.

 

Armin had been here the whole afternoon to explain me the deep meaning of literature but he had come to the conclusion that if I wasn’t going to read the books our teachers told us to read, there was probably no way I’d understand what was going on. And maybe he was right but do I look like I was going to read a 300 pages book about some boring … anything. Armin didn’t share my opinion about classic literature so we hadn’t gotten very far.

When I told him that my talk with Levi happened to be more than just fine and that we were dating now, he smiled at me brightly and said that it was great and that he had crossed his fingers when we had left him at the bonfire.

Afterwards, I had some time to kill until Levi came home from working in Hanji’s café and as soon as the small grey circle next to his name in Skype changed green, I clicked the “call”-button.

_“How about giving me some time to sit down and come home?”,_ was the first thing Levi said when his face appeared on my screen. Those were the moments when I was thankful for the fact that he and I were having a good Wi-Fi connection and a well working webcam. A pixelated picture would be a shame for his appearance.

“Maybe you’re are just too slow, have you thought about that option?”, I grinned widely at him.

_“Come in my age and we’ll talk about it again, brat._ ”, he gave back acting annoyed but I knew that he wasn’t really. Sometimes I even suspected that he used words like “annoying brat” or “stupid kid” like other people would use “sweetheart” or “darling”. Just a suspect. When I had asked him, he had just snorted but hadn’t answered.

“How was work today?”

_“It was ok. We had a few more clients than usually mostly students who were working on their projects. I actually feel sorry for them when Hanji suddenly squealed like they are fucking insane and probably broke down everybody’s concentration”_ , Levi told me while rolling his eyes.

I layed my head into my folded arm and tilted the screen of my laptop towards me and received a strange look from Levi. Probably because I was looking pretty dumb from this angle. I shrugged my shoulders and grinned.

“Why were they excited this time?”

_“They started to get on my nerves because you don’t visit as often as before and asked me if everything was alright but you know, like Hanji would. Today they asked me at least ten fucking times until I informed them about the matter that we’re dating. In hindsight, I should have waited until we were somewhere with less people”_ , he explained and I instantly froze to look at him in uncertainty.

“Oh.”

_“Don’t look at me as if I said that I killed a cat. They nearly killed ME with their bone-crushing hug and said about ten thousand times that they are happy for us. You don’t have to fear any judgement from Hanji. Anyway, they said that you should come over soon.”_

Levi’s words made me feel relaxed again. It felt amazing to have supportive allies. Not only my friends – who were teasing me from time to time, sure, but that didn’t change their intentions – but also Levi’s friends (I hadn’t met Erwin again since the last dinner about ten years ago. As far as I knew, he was still supporting Levi) and my sister. Life would be so much more difficult if they weren’t there, that’s for sure. On the other hand, there were other people – like my father – and I did fear what could happen because I was a minor and I was still depended on my parents.

_“I wouldn’t have told them if I had any objections”_ , Levi added. I nodded and smiled.

I don’t know why but this conversation made me somehow brave. A lot braver than before. Of course I wouldn’t go to my parents right now and reveal them that I was gay. It made me feel like I could dare more. To fall out of my daily life. Maybe Levi wasn’t the perfect role model for me but exactly this made it so interesting for me. I didn’t even think about anything criminal in this moment. More like giving me the feeling that I could endure the dinner that expected me and could tell my family how I really feel about things like school. Because I knew that there were people who would catch me if I fall.

“Hey Levi, my grounding will be dropped tomorrow. Can—can I visit you?”, I asked, maybe a bit shyly. I didn’t know if I bother him when I visit him, I hoped not but we were talking about Levi. The guy who just told me yesterday that he didn’t do anything except for cleaning his bedroom after he had come home from work. It wasn’t unusual for him and I didn’t want to be in his way when he doesn’t have time for me.

Levi shrugged his shoulders. “ _Sure, why not. Haven’t seen you in a while. I mean apart from talking via skype. Do you want to come around noon. We could have lunch.”_

I flashed him the brightest smile I could manage. The promise that I could see him tomorrow made me feel a bit lightheaded and I could feel the butterflies in my belly.

“You don’t know how to cook.”

_“That’s why I’m asking you to come.”_

“Woha, you allow me to make your holy kitchen dirty? I feel honored.” Levi rolled his eyes again and pushed two fingers in the space between his eyes.

_“Kid, don’t get cocky. You do realize that you have to clean up afterwards? I’ll even help you, if you ask nicely.”_

If I was with him right now, I would hit him. Not hard, but I would.

“You suck…”

_“Yeah, I’m pretty well aware of that. Sometimes I swallow, too.”_

I stared at Levi in disbelief. Did he.. he did say that. My cheeks became suddenly really warm when my train of thoughts went to the wrong direction. South.

_“Eren, I don’t like that look on your face. And what are you, a tomato?”_

“S-Shut up”, I pouted, then hid my face in my folded arms.

_“It’s easy to tease you, sorry_ ”, I heard Levi saying with the hint of a chuckle. I hadn’t really seen him laughing before, now that I thought about it. I had seen his faint smile when he was amused but nothing more. I decided that it would be my personal mission to make him laugh one day.

I was thinking of a sassy reply when I heard my Mum calling me for dinner. I think Levi heard my groan.

“ _Dinner?”_

“Yeah.” Some days ago, I had already told him that Grisha would join us at dinner, I still remembered how his face had frowned when I had said it. And it was totally understandable, there was no reason why Levi should feel the tiniest bit of sympathy towards my father.

I didn’t want to go downstairs. I didn’t want to see my father right now. I didn’t want to act like nothing had happened at all. I didn’t want to live this lie. I had to live it for about ten years and I was sick of it. And now, I even had to act like I still didn’t know anything. Because they mustn’t find out.

It hurt.

_“You’re thinking too much again, Eren. It won’t be too bad. You know that you can always call me, right?”,_ he asked and looked honestly concerned about me although he had just said that it would be alright. We both knew that it probably wouldn’t be like that but we wouldn’t say it out loud.

“Yeah…”, I muttered

“You can do it.”

“Yeah. Hey, Levi?”

“What is it?”

“Thank you, for everything. I can’t even tell you how happy I am that I can be with you.”

“tch.” Levi looked away from the screen and seemed to be at least a bit embarrassed. As much as you could suspect when he didn’t change his expression often.

“Me too, Eren”, he whispered finally and I think hundreds of butterflies awoke at the same time in my belly. “I’m glad you’re here again”

Fuck, I really loved him.

I wanted to say something when my Mum called me again for dinner. I closed my mouth again and gave Levi an apologetic look.

“See you then”, I grinned with a bright smile and a probably dorky waving, then ended the call when Levi said bye as well and shut down the laptop.

It was the same anxiety when we had guests. Don’t say anything wrong, behave good.

Levi said that I was strong enough. I believed him.

Outside of my room, I could already smell the delicious food my Mum and Mikasa had prepared. They had told me what they had wanted to make a few days ago but I couldn’t remember it. As far as I could recognize the smell, it was something with potatoes or maybe it was something completely different. Sasha was our food expert, not me.

When I reached the dining room, I took a last deep breath, remembered Levi’s words and walked inside like there weren’t this many thoughts in my mind.

Mum noticed me when she brought the glass bowl filled with salad from the kitchen. “Ah, finally. Could you please bring the water from the kitchen?”

“Why did you call me twice when we’re not even ready?”

“Darling, I know you’re always late. And you can help, too, you always disappear in your room”, she explained with a sweet smile.

Most of the time, her smile was honest and sweet but I had seen it too often with a bitter aftertaste. One time, she had sat in the kitchen when I had come home from elementary school and I had seen tears on her cheeks. I had been worried, of course. She had been surprised when I mentioned it and said that there was something in her eye. It had been a lie and today I was sure that the 10 year old me had already known that but never commented on it. Even when I had wanted to go down in the kitchen in the middle of the night and noticed her in the living room before I walked in, I had seen her crying unrestrained with faint sobs. I had never asked her why.

I came back with the water bottle, sat down on the chair across from my Mum and next to Mikasa. Dad, who sat at the other end of the table, gave me a small nod and I muttered a “hi”. The food actually was something with potatoes, Sasha would be so proud of the fact that I had found it out and simply because we were eating potatoes, smashed potatoes, roast and red cabbage to be accurate.

“It looks great, Mum.”

“Thank you, now eat before it gets cold.”

Mum talked about the few interesting things that had happened to her in this week. She was working at an office half of the day and as far as I understood it was boring as hell. To be honest, I never ever wanted to be stuck into an office like she was. Mikasa and I already knew most of the little stories, she didn’t tell them for us but for Dad who hadn’t heard them before. Sometimes I wondered if they even talked when they were at home at the same time or were they only talking then when it was necessary like shopping or important dates. Dad never told us much about his work, he always said that it was boring anyway and he wasn’t allowed to tell us about the interesting things.

Maybe my parents couldn’t feel the tension that hung in the room and made it difficult for me to eat but every time my eyes met my father’s I looked away like I was feeling guilty. Mikasa seemed a bit tense, too but not as much as I was. Everything was alright. He doesn’t know anything.

The silence that followed Mum’s talk made it even worse until Dad decided to open his mouth and I winced internally.

“So, Eren, Mikasa, how’s school doing?”, he asked. My sister lay down the fork, giving me some time to think about my own answer.

“I’m doing fine. I don’t have any exams at the moment but I still have to learn much. Since some of my teachers say that we’ll have to study even more in a few months, I try to get as much work done as possible. My grades are still good although I think that I could get better once next time”, she explained and Dad nodded.

Mikasa was currently studying sports medicine at the university here in Trost, had finished college with one of the best degrees and even now, she was good. No wonder she was the pride of the family, especially Dad was proud that Mikasa would have a job in medicine as well. I didn’t begrudge her for being so good, she deserved it because she was studying every moment she had time to be this good and become a doctor later.

“And Eren? How is your school year going?” For me, Mikasa’s aims meant a lot of pressure sometimes. She had always been the sibling who was better in school. Sure, she helped me a lot with homework and studying like Armin and I was glad that they did it for me but school was still more difficult for me, maybe I was just bad at learning new stuff. At the same time, my parents expected me to have the same grades as my sister because of any not-understandable reasons.

“It’s ok. I mean, I’m doing good in most of the subjects. Armin was here today to help me with a few things in literature; I understand them now for the test next week. It shouldn’t be too bad”, I told my father.  He nodded but didn’t seem to be content with my answer.

“What about your fights?”

“I had none this week, you know that. I didn’t even have the time because I had to go straight home after school”, I gave back with a hint of sarcasm. No, I had just a grounding for one week and could be grateful that at least I had been able to sneak out at the time when my parents hadn’t been at home (Mikasa had seen me a few times going out, but never commented on it). “It’s not like I had time for it when I was at home and had to study.”

“You know that your grades are important”, he reminded me and I would have rolled my eyes if he couldn’t see my face.

“I know. And I really do try to get better.”

“Maybe you have to study more, with grades like this you won’t be accepted in university.”

“I know”, I growled, “I already said that I try. Anyway, who said that I was going to enroll to an university.” My Dad looked instantly displeased when he realized what I had said. I had never mentioned it before to him but I didn’t even plan to do it because I knew that I would fail there.

“Eren! Who gave you this idea? One of your friends? Of course you’ll go to an university and study.”

“Don’t bring my friends into this! It’s my own decision”, I said, probably too loud that it was nearly shouting. I didn’t want this anymore. Levi said I was strong enough. And I wasn’t going to let my life be as pathetically as before.

“Keep your voice down”, Grisha ordered and I shut my mouth, staring at him angrily. I could see that Mum was trying to say something, anything to end this but she didn’t. Maybe because she didn’t know what to say, maybe because she didn’t dare. “If you go to university you will have a well-paid job, you can settle down in your own house and marry a nice girl and don’t have to think about money. Why would you want to make it more difficult?”

“I still have time to think about that later, it’s _my_ decision after all”, I repeated again with gritted teeth. It wouldn’t be this easy and I would have to make it more difficult. He didn’t even realize how much this sentence hurt me. The urge to just stand up and leave the house became stronger with every second that passed, it was too much to even breathe in here.

“Eren’s right”, Mikasa piped up – thankfully - and held eye contact with our Dad, “he can even decide after school has ended.”

Dad didn’t answer but stared first at Mikasa, then at me for some time before he continued to eat in silence. The damage was already done for me. I ate the rest on my plate and although I was far from being full, I couldn’t eat anything more. Not because the food tasted awful but because the lump in my throat made it impossible to swallow one more bite.

“I have finished, can I go up to my room again”, I asked. Mum glanced up from her plate and nodded with a heavy hearted look on her face like she knew exactly what was going on but couldn’t do anything against it. Sometimes I became painfully aware how helpless we all were in these moments.

I looked back to the table after I had put my plate into the dishwasher and turned back to my family again. From a bit further away, it still looked so normal like nothing had happened. Like there was no need for me to feel like everyone knows about what had happened. People tended to tell me that my eyes give away a whole lot about my thoughts or my wellbeing. I knew they don’t think it something bad but sometimes it makes me feel unsure.

“My grounding is over, right? I want to meet with some of my class tomorrow. For studying”, I lied. Mum nodded before Dad could say anything. Finally, I could leave the room.

The first thing I did when I entered my room was to take my phone and sat down on the chair next to my desk before I crumbled into a ball, hugging my legs to my body. I felt so dumb, it was pathetic, I didn’t even understand why I was this upset right now. It wasn’t like anything had changed; I just happened to notice it. A quiet sob escaped my trembling lips. It was so stupid.

When I reached a point where I was sure that I wouldn’t start to cry and getting all worked up while talking, I tried to reach Levi.

_“You’re already back?”_ Levi’s voice would always have this soothing effect on me to make me feel less lost.

“Yeah…”, I choked out when my voice allowed me to.

_“Well shit, that doesn’t sound good at all. What happened?”_

“It was--- I couldn’t--- I felt so, so—dammit it!”, I cursed to myself with a trembling voice. I needed to see Levi so much, it felt like I couldn’t tell him as long as I didn’t see his face. I need to see the concern and the reassurance in his grey eyes and see his mouth moving along to the words I needed to hear.

_“Shh… Eren, calm down. Take a deep breath. I’m here”_ , Levi said and I gripped my phone tighter as I did what Levi told me.

_“Do you think you can sneak out of the house tonight? Like in one hour?”_

“I don’t know, they will probably still be awake.”

_“’Sneak out’ means you have to do it quiet. Maybe you just went to bed early, they won’t even notice”,_ Levi explained. The plan sounded like it could work, especially when my parents would watch TV, they wouldn’t hear me at all.

“What if they notice me anyway?”

_“Pretend that you want to go for a walk to distract yourself from studying? I don’t know”_

“What do you even plan, Levi?”

_“Wait and see. Wear some warm clothes, it’s cold outside. And don’t take your best clothing.”_


	15. Dear Art

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Levi? Where exactly are we?”, Eren asked just in the moment I cut out the engine. We had left the busy streets – even at night – behind us some time ago and were now close to the industrial area of Trost. Not the nicest place at night but I never intended to have a big ass tea party out here. However, this place was perfect for being not seen and doing whatever you wanted.  
> “Industrial area of Trost”, I answered honestly. Green eyes rolled in slight irritation.  
> “I already figured this much out, thank you.”  
> “Then why are you asking? Come on”

One the one hand, I wished that I could have meet Eren sooner, not only in one hour. He needed some support now, not in one or two hours when whatever stupid thoughts take hold in his mind and make it only worse. I knew the bitter feeling of being alone, wishing that somebody could help me and what kind of fucking stupid things it does to your brain.

On the other hand, I knew how this thing worked. Wait until the parents are asleep or distracted, take the backdoor, close the door with the door handle pushed down, put on shoes when you’re outside. Don’t look at me like that, of course I fucking tried it when I was in Eren’s age and it had always worked. Unless parents have new methods of keeping their brats at home, it should still work like that. And hopefully, Eren had at least a bit of common sense to know how to sneak out of his house.

I parked a few meters away from Eren’s house about one hour later to wait for him to come out after I had told him on phone that I had plans. Although I wasn’t sure if it would work out or help him in the same way it helped me, it was at least worth a shot. The two backpacks and the other shit were in the back of the car.

Finally, I could see a figure leaving the house, I could easily identify them as Eren. He noticed me and my car before I could flash him but when he wanted to go straight to the passenger door, I motioned him to come to my side and opened the door. It was dark but I still could see his confused face which was kind of adorable if his eyes didn’t look like he had cried.

Maybe I shouldn’t have shocked him this much but before Eren could completely process what was happening, I had pulled him into my lap and had my arms around his waist to pull him close to me. The boy hesitated only for a second, then put his arms around my neck and laid his forehead against my collarbone.

“Hey”, he breathed against my skin after we had shared some time in silence. It sent a small shiver down my spine, not only because I hadn’t expected him to speak up but also because it sounded strangely nice.

“Hi, you. Rough evening?”, I asked although I already knew the answer and Eren nodded anyway.

“Shitty, horrible, dumb evening”, he confirmed, then pulled away to face me and gave me a peck on my lips.

“That’s all I get for driving out here to make my perfect boyfriend feeling better?”, I mocked and I cocked my eyebrow. Eren’s cheeks were dusted pink when he smiled a bit - not much but it was at least something – and leaned down to kiss me again, longer this time.

“Better now?”

I clicked my tongue and decided not to comment on his question. Sure, it was a hell lot better but that wasn’t the important thing right now.

“I want to go somewhere with you”, I started to explain, “It helps me when I’m done with everybody’s shit. In the paper bag on the passenger seat is some food if you’re hungry.” Eren’s eyes lightened up again as he looked over to the other seat and saw the well-known logo of a fast food chain on the bag. I would never eat that stuff by choice because who the fuck knew who had already had it in their filthy hands but Eren’s standards weren’t this high.

Eren’s eyes lightened up even more when I mentioned the bar of chocolate under the paper bag.

“How long do you think it will take? I mean, you even bought food for me?” Eren had taken his previous position again, his head against my shoulder and I could feel the vibrations of his voice.

“Maybe one hour, maybe two? As long as you like. You sounded awful when you called and sometimes food helps. You didn’t eat much with your family, did you?” He shook his head. I wanted to ask what exactly had happened but I knew that Eren wasn’t comfortable with telling me, like in the hospital. Therefore I hoped that he would talk to me later, right now, it was more important to distract him.

“How about you start eating before it gets cold and disgusting and sit down on the passenger seat so I can start driving?”, I suggested but Eren shook his head again.

“I don’t want to move right now. Just a few more minutes, ok?”, he mumbled, shifting closer towards me. I didn’t mind it at all, the boy sighed contently when I shrugged and let him stay on my tights and began to card my fingers through his soft hair. Eren was something like a human heating pad, despite the cold night he was really warm. If you ever asked me if I was willing to drive off in the middle of the night to comfort-cuddle a seventeen year old brat, I would probably have flipped you off and told you to leave me the fuck alone. And now we were here.

After some time, Eren reached over to the passenger seat without looking up to put the bag into the space between the two seats before he climbed, or rolled, over to sit down there.

“You’re ok?”, I asked to be on the save side and Eren smiled at me.

“I think yes, we can go now.”

The drive wasn’t too long, about fifteen minutes and Eren wasn’t even concentrating on where we were heading to but busy with eating the burger and the fries I had bought for him. He even tried to feed me with the fries. Although I had protested that I was not going to put this shit into my mouth, he made me eating two of them in the end after some whining and a few more protests from my side. They tasted like salt and nothing but Eren apparently liked them anyway and the grin of triumph he had on his face when I chewed on one of the sticks was something I wanted as photo on my nightstand to look at it every day.

“Levi? Where exactly are we?”, Eren asked just in the moment I cut out the engine. We had left the busy streets – even at night – behind us some time ago and were now close to the industrial area of Trost. Not the nicest place at night but I never intended to have a big ass tea party out here. However, this place was perfect for being not seen and doing whatever you wanted.

“Industrial area of Trost”, I answered honestly. Green eyes rolled in slight irritation.

“I already figured this much out, thank you.”

“Then why are you asking? Come on” I left the car and opened the car’s hatch door. Suddenly, I was glad that I had chosen some thicker clothes just like I had told Eren to do, because it was already colder than I had expected. Eren tumbled out of the car as well and followed me like a lost puppy who looked pretty confused when I shoved a black backpack in his hands.

“Are those… spray cans?”

“Yeah, nobody gives a flying fuck if we’re spraying out here.”

“But that’s illegal!”, he complained. I kind of hoped that I hadn’t misjudged Eren’s sense of regularities because I wasn’t going to deal with somebody who has a stick shoved up their ass.

“Look Eren, if you’re only afraid that we’ll get caught I can tell you that this just won’t happen. They gave up on having security men around years ago, now they are removing all that shit from the walls from time to time. It’s ok, if you don’t want to, we can---”

“I want to!”, Eren blurted out suddenly; too loud, but with that glimmer in his eyes that he really meant it. “I’d love to try it, I just hadn’t thought that you would suggest that. I’ve never done anything illegal before… well, except for drinking alcohol some parties but nobody really cares about that, right?”

“Then I think it’s time to break some rules, kid”, I smirked, ruffled his hair affectionately before I kissed him to which he responded to eagerly with a dreamy look on his face but also determined. He looked so beautiful in the dim pale light of the street lamps; I kissed him again and in the moment before he closed his eyes I could look in the depths of it that took my breath away.

I explained him the few basics of sprayings: There were different spray can caps for spraying, white were thin lines, black were for medium lines, and the golden ones for broad ones. That he better should wear the bandana I had put in the bag because it can get pretty ugly if you inhale it too much. I made him wearing gloves although I hated the thought of it but I didn’t want his parents to question him where the colorful paint on his hands came from. And explained him how to get which basic effect, mostly the shadowing. He listened to all of it with interest, there was nothing left of his uncertainty just a few minutes ago.

“Do you already know what you want to spray?”, I asked him after I had hopefully explained everything. He shrugged and nodded at the same time… what wonderful source of information…

“I don’t know, I have an idea, yeah, but it’s stupid, ok? I want to spray something with you together. Like a collaboration?”, he tried to explain with some vague gesticulations that told me nothing at all.

“Fine with me. And what do you want to spray?” Eren gave me a shy smile and avoided eye contact.

“A pair of wings, a bit like the ones on your back, in white and blue, but a bit more like real feathers.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”, although he sounded innocent he knew exactly what I was talking about and the wheels in his head for an explanation _why_ the fuckhe wanted to do that were turning.

“Why a pair of wings?” I received another shrug with the shoulders.

“I like it… and they mean a lot to me… because of you. If you’re ok with spraying them, that’s it.”

“Yeah, it’s ok”, I mumbled like it didn’t mean anything to me. These wings were without question my most important tattoo. I didn’t mind that Eren liked it and that he wanted to spray them but I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. They meant a lot to me. I had gotten them as soon as I was 18; not because only a few – probably not reliable – tattoo artists would have made me one when I hadn’t been at legal age. They were a symbol of freedom to me, all this freedom I hadn’t had before when it I had felt like in a prison with high walls around me. Leaving my father and Eren’s father behind and forget about them. I hadn’t had to worry about any problems with the police anymore because I had been a minor runaway after all.

And to be honest, I was trying to give a part of this freedom to Eren. I wanted to give him the feeling that he was allowed break out of these walls because I knew he sought this. I wasn’t as free as I wanted to be, I couldn’t just go away and leave everything behind because I had friends here and a few things that mattered to me. And Eren, of course. And this was fine with me.

Eren, on the other hand wasn’t even able to get away a bit. These weren’t even ties he had with his family and his friends but as far as I knew, he had some issues with Grisha. I knew what an asshole he could be, Eren knew it and this was probably one of the reasons why he wasn’t free.

It was my personal mission to give him one of my wings that we could that we could fly together.

Aside from the other personal mission to see him cry at a “Breached Walls” concert when they play “Promise from a corpse”, but that’s another kind of achievement I wanted to reach.

When I noticed that Eren was looking expectantly like he was waiting for me to change my mind, I started to think aloud about how we could make the wings. I knew that it was going to be a bit of work, especially because Eren had never done this before, but I was convinced that we would manage it. I didn’t want them too big because I wanted to get at least a bit of sleep tonight and not stay here until ass-crack dawn. Had happened to me and the day afterwards had been shit, even shitter than with only a few hours of sleep.

The sketch I did with chalk on the still blank wall in front of me seemed to be ok and somewhat symmetrical after some corrections and Eren approved it. Blank walls without any huge artworks were rare but apparently the owner of the wall had removed all of them a few weeks ago, the other graffiti were new and there was enough space left; Otherwise, it would have sucked to spray over another one.

Eren stated that he wanted to spray the white wing on the right side. The spray cans were all mixed up in the two backpacks because I had thrown in all of them shortly after Eren had called earlier this evening, but after some searching I found a white and gray can for him and two different blue for my part, as well as different caps.

I hadn’t expected that Eren would be so spirited about this because it wasn’t everyone’s favorite spare time activity and he had backed up a bit when he had first found out what we were going to do. But now he was listening to all the advices I was giving him for the spraying and the boy did well for a first timer.

We were about half through coloring the plain ground color – white for my wing and middle blue for Erens – when Eren set down the can while pulling down the scarf with the other hand before he came over to me to stand behind me. I finished the small patch at the wall and wanted to turn around to see if everything was alright but Eren already pulled me into a hug from behind and buried his face into the crook of my neck.

“Are you okay?”

“Thank you, Levi.”, Eren muttered, pulling me closer towards him. I shifted my weight and let my head drop back against his shoulder.

“For what, kid? We haven’t even finished here, you can thank me when we have finished and your fingertips are fucking frozen because we stayed here too long.”, I retorted sarcastically but I totally understood what Eren meant, he sounded happy.

“I’m not a kid, I thought we had figured that out.”

“’Brat’?” I smirked and Eren laughed softly.

“You’re such an ass sometimes, really.”

“Yeah, we had that conversation already. And now get back to your task, otherwise you’ll have frozen fingers before we’ve finished.” Eren grumbled something and let go off me, but not before he placed a shy kiss on my jaw. I gazed dumbstruck at the wall before I stared up to Eren with the “what the fuck was that”-look on my face, trying to ignore the stupid tingling where his lips had touched my skin.

“Are you blushing”, Eren asked with a goddamn sly grin and I was on the brink of killing Eren with one of my death glares or kicking him but he simply ignored it and grinned even wider. “It’s cute… ouch! Why did you kick me?”

“Because I can.” He recovered from my kick in his shin pretty quickly, then finally got back to his part of our graffiti.

We worked in silence until we had both finished the ground. I explained him how I had imagined to make the feathers with a darker color and simply outline them with it, nothing too complicated. Eren understood pretty quickly and it didn’t even look bad when he sprayed the first tentative feathers on the white background.

Although I wasn’t into any spiritual stuff, it had something meditative, especially at night when it was silent around you, no traffic, no humans. Like, the only sound you could hear was the spraying, the clatter of the glass marble inside the can when you shake it and your own breathing. When I was younger, I had spent lots of time under some bridges and colored the walls as fast as possible and despite the pressure to finish; it was something special, the strange mix of mediation and tension. Hanji had always managed to ruin it a bit when they commented on everything I did or random squeals but even they kept quiet most of the time.

I finished off the last feather and honestly, I had no clue how long it had taken, maybe on hour, maybe more or less. Eren was still struggling with the last few ones, so I started to clean up a bit, putting the cans back in the backpacks and making sure that the caps were clean. Speaking of caps, some of the paint had dropped down on my hand. I groaned internally because I knew that it was going to take an awfully long time to get it off again but in the end, even the next time I wouldn’t wear gloves.

Some time later, while I was scratching the skin where it was colored in dark blue to get it off, the noises next to me stopped.

“I’ve finished”, Eren said, looking expectantly at me. I took a few steps back to have a look at it completely.

“Not bad” The graffiti didn’t look bad at all, it had become a bit asymmetrical in the end and Eren’s lines were a bit clumps and shakily but if you considered that it was the first time for him, it was good.

“It really looks great”, Eren affirmed as he stood next to me and observed it. Then he walked to the wall again and positioned himself with the back to the wall between the two wings.

“How does it look?”

It was absolutely breathtaking. The two wings were at his shoulder height and it seemed like they were attached to his back. Eren grinned at me like a fucking idiot with his hands in his jacket pockets and looked like a fucking angel.

“W-wait. I’ll take a photo” Did I stutter? I did. What was this kid doing to me?

As soon as I had lowered my phone, Eren bounced back to me to see how the picture turned out.

“Woha, look! We’ve put them at a perfect height”, he commented on it, “can you send it to me?” I nodded and wanted to take my mobile back but Eren had other plans.

“We need one with you, too.”

“Do we?”

“Yes! Please, Levi!”, the boy cried out with that irresistible smile on his face and puppy eyes. I rolled my eyes in faked annoyance and huffed before I went to the wall to stand before the wings without touching the wall. I was pretty sure that the paint was still wet.

Eren lowered the mobile in his hands before he had even taken a picture to stare at me like a was an alien or something like that.

“Perfect”, he whispered, I could only hear it because it was completely quiet around us, I wasn’t even sure if it was meant for my ears. Then he finally took the photo. I picked up the two backpacks to bring them back to the car. This time, I didn’t put them into the trunk but to the back seats and sat down in the trunk with my feet dangling off its edge. Eren sat down next to me almost immediately, close enough that our tights touched.

“Will you tell me about the dinner?” He nodded and began to tell.

“It was aweful. We didn’t even speak much but it felt like my father only thought about some honor-of-the-family crap and I didn’t belong there at all, like… I wasn’t welcomed in his family as long as I don’t do what he tells me.

“He was talking about my future, that I should go to a university and study something, like Mikasa does. He probably doesn’t even care what I was going to study if I did, as long as I earn enough money afterwards. I mean, I do understand it but I can’t… I just can’t. He told me that I should use the money to settle down… with a girl and have a family and I even feel bad about it because I know it won’t happen. And every time he looked at me, I had the feeling that he already knew. That I do things and plan things behind his back.

“I feel bad for Mum. She cares for me and I think she still cares for you, too. But she never says anything like she’s too scared. I don’t know if I should wish for them to get a divorce. I just want her to be happy but I don’t know how.

“I had been able to keep my mouth shut the last few years but it’s so much more difficult now. I don’t know how to deal with it anymore.”

Eren stopped talking when I put my arm around his waist and he leant into the touch, resting his head against my shoulder. I knew the feeling he had described. When you don’t know how to act naturally because everything in your head screams that the other person already knows what’s going on. I remembered the time when I had been in the same room as Grisha and had been shit-scared that he could have known something. Especially when Erwin had joined the Jäger-Smith-Dinners, too. Well, in the end, it had been our fault that he found out.

“It’s not fair…”, he mumbled.

“I know.” Eren deserved better, so much better and I wished we could turn the tables to make it easier but right now we were kind of powerless.

“Sometimes I wished I could just get away but that’s an impossible dream.”, Eren whispered again and I caught him staring off into distance melancholically.

“Stop talking like that, Eren. It’s only half a year, then you’re 18 and can leave this shithole.”, I tried to convince him but he shook his head.

“Do you really think it’s that easy? I still have Mikasa and Mum. I need them… but I also want to be with you.”

I pulled Eren closer to me like I could tell him this way that I wouldn’t leave him, no matter what, without saying it out loud. The boy in next to me sighed, then turned towards me to wrap both of his arms around my body and shifted our position until we lay in trunk of my car, facing each other.

“We’ll find a way, ok? You have to bear it a bit longer. Just because you maybe have to move out in the end, it doesn’t mean that you can’t see Mikasa and your mother. I know it’s hard but you have to act like nothing has happened just a bit longer”, I promised him. Eren didn’t answer right away but took my hand and squeezed it.

We were going to be ok.

“How was it for you when you lived with us? Wasn’t it the last school year as well?”, Eren asked after some time while his fingers were tracing the creases of my jacket.

“No, it was the year before the last one, otherwise I wouldn’t have heard the end of how I was supposed to live my life after high school. I tried to avoid Grisha anyway, especially when I was dating Erwin. And my grades have never been good enough, I think university or college would have been my downfall.”

“And then you began an apprenticeship?”

“Yeah, but like I already said, never finished. And ended up in Hanji’s café. See, I didn’t do what Grisha wanted and I’m still alive.” Eren chuckled and played with the collar of my jacket a bit longer, then locked his eyes with mine. You would think that it was too dark to see anything at all but I still saw the green shimmer in his eyes. I couldn’t enjoy them long enough because he closed his when I leaned in to kiss him. Eren hummed contently as his lips in the same slow motion as mine did; it seemed like it was enough for him right now without deepening the kiss. He pulled away much too early for my liking, just to nip at my lower lip and close the gap between us again. The embarrassing sound I made was apparently stupid enough to make Eren giggle like an idiot.

“Make that sound again!”

“I swear to god, I’m going to push you out of the car.”

“No, seriously! I liked it”, Eren pressed out between to giggle fits. I rolled my eyes and waited until he was finished. He still had that dorky grin on his face.

“Yes, okay, I’m sorry, Levi. Don’t look at me like that. But that sounded really hot”, he added and, again, I was grateful that it was dark.

“So… Do you have any plans what you want to do after school?”, I asked to get away from the previous topic as soon as possible. There was no way I had mewled just then.

“Well, I actually do have. I want to become a kindergartener.”

“You want to work with these little shits by your own free will?”, I stared at him in disbelief. How could you possibly want to do something like that? Little kids were worse than hell and annoying but Eren still would do it?

“You’re exaggerating”, Eren pouted, “Children are not always bad, they can be pretty fun, too. I had to baby-sit the child of a friend of my parents last year and I enjoyed it. I like kids.”

“Really? They are noisy, don’t have no good manners at all, and you have to care for them 24/7. You really want to do that?”

“Yes. I was thinking about sending an application to three kindergartens that are looking for trainees during the Christmas holidays. Dad mustn’t find out about it, so---”

I silenced him with a quick kiss before he was going to spewing nonsense.

“It is ok, Eren. He won’t find out. I’m sure that Carla will understand that you don’t want to go to a university or college. You should tell her when it’s time.”

Eren nodded yawning.

“You’re tired again? You’ve got no stamina at all when it comes to staying awake, you know that?” Eren nodded again and tried to pull me closer.

“You’re warm.”

“Well no shit, I would be scared if I was an ice block. We should get you home”, I decided and peeled the boy’s arms from my body and sat up.

“I don’t want to go home yet”, Eren whined and put his arms around my waist once again, “I just want to stay here with you right now.”

“Tch. Come on, Eren, don’t act like you’re eight. And I do know that you just act like eight right now, I was there.” I pulled him up in a sitting position to look directly into his pouty face. “Don’t look at me like that, you’ll come to my apartment tomorrow after all.”

“Yeah…”, Eren gave me a small smile before he finally stood up. “Can’t wait for tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the descriptions of spraying are accurate (it's been some time since I've last done it myself (legal, of course)). And I get the feeling that the writing is rubbing off on me: The amout of "shit" and "fuck" is use when I talk is increasing...


	16. Dear Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two boys go grocery shopping. And a lot of fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update because I'll be away at the weekend (and I don't trust the "chapter publication date"-thing). Anyway, thank you for the feedback and the sweet comments for the last chapter. You guys are wonderful!   
> So, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

“Let me guess, you have no damn clue what to eat for lunch, right?”, Eren groaned and facepalmed. I just shrugged with my shoulders as we walked down the aisles of the supermarket. He was the one who had an idea about cooking, not me.

“As long as it’s not utterly disgusting, I will eat it”, I shrugged and pretended to be interested in the stuff you could buy here. Eren threw his hands in the air with another exhausted groan and walked past me into the other aisle, taking the shopping cart with him.

I wasn’t really picky when it came to food. People sometimes wonder why I could have such an attitude but only like clean things, but as long as I knew that nobody touched it with his fucking filthy hands, it was fine. Fast food was a no-go, who knew where the hell that greasy stuff had already been and restaurants were something I could live without.

I found Eren a few aisles away in front of the freezer with the frozen fish. He was trying so hard to figure something out and I felt bad for the kid because buying food with me was probably annoying.

“Eren”, I said, putting my hand on top of his to get his attention. He was a bit startled at the sudden touch but relaxed and looked at me, “I know I asked you if you could make lunch but if you don’t know what---”

“No, no, it’s ok, really. I’m just trying to figure out what we could eat, it might just take a bit longer. That’s the least I could do for you for last night”, Eren said with an honest smile. I clicked my tongue and told him that it was nothing.

Last night had been one of the worst emotional rollercoaster I had ever experienced. I was glad that Eren had talked with me about everything but it was difficult after all. Letting him out of the car when we had reached his house had been something I didn’t want to do at all and Eren didn’t want to leave either, with the difference that he had said it about ten times although I had promised him that we would meet only 8 hours later. I had gotten home around three a.m., about 5 hours of sleep were enough for me. Eren, on the other hand, had looked pretty destroyed when he had appeared at my apartment door at 11 a.m., but he insisted that he was fine, just a bit tired. How did he even survive exam-weeks with this attitude, did he just walk into his classes like a fucking zombie?

But he had needed it. We had needed it.

Eren stared a bit longer at the frozen and pretty dead fish in the freezer, then his face lit up suddenly. He probably wanted to suggest something but before he could open his mouth, we heard somebody shouting his name.

“Yoo, Eren!!”, the boy with buzzcut shouted while he was waving frantically with both arms. I think Connie was his name, the guy who had hogged the whole sofa at Hanji’s café. The tall blonde hulk next to him just shook his head. Reiner? I think Reiner? Eren has much too much friends to remember all of them, I decided.

“Hey, Levi’s here, too, haven’t seen you in a while”, Connie commented, then turned to Eren again, “You don’t want to join our physics study afternoon, do you? We’re buying food right now and we’ll do it at Jean’s place, feel free to join us.” A glance in their shopping cart gave away that they were at buying chips and other unhealthy stuff for at least the whole school and as much as I hated to remember our study afternoons but we'd rarely gotten anything done. Especially when that shitty four-eyes had come too and had whined until we dropped it. Students never change and I was sure that it would be the same with them today.

Eren shook his head, laughing. “You do know that I don’t have physics anymore, don’t you. And you only go to Jean’s place because he has a huge living room and enough controllers for everybody.” Connie grinned awkwardly, rubbing his neck with one hand but didn’t look sorry at all. Reiner put his hand on Connie’s shoulder.

“Don’t you see that Eren already _has_ plans for today?” Eren groaned together with something that could have been a “Reiner, please”, and Connie looked confused from Reiner to Eren, back to Reiner, then to me, and back to Eren. You could literally see the lightbulb above his head lightening up.

“oh. Ohhhh… Right. Plans. You’re busy. Probably by doing really _important_ stuff”, Connie guessed with a sly grin and that dipshit Eren started to blush like a tomato. Connie looked confused once again and glanced back and forth between Eren and me again, while I just rubbed the bridge of my nose in annoyance.

Oh wait, weren’t those two idiots the ones who wrote Eren the messages right after we had come back from the forest at the bonfire?

“What is it Eren? Are we talking about the same important stuff?”, Reiner asked with a grin. Eren just spluttered some nonsense. Honestly, things were getting ridiculous.

“You’re acting like five-year-olds. Yes, Eren and I are dating.”

My boyfriend would have looked at me in complete horror if he wasn’t suddenly pulled into a bear hug by that blonde guy.

“My sweet baby is finally growing up!”, Reiner shouted. I was sure that Eren was going to die from embarrassment right now.

“Oh my god, Reiner, let me go… you’re fucking embarrassing. This is embarrassing. You’re crushing me. Let me go. Oh god. Reiner! Levi, help me!”, Eren whined. Before he was completely squished to death, Reiner let go off Eren. Connie patted his shoulder.

“We’ll go then. Play safe with whatever you’ve planned for today. Take care of Eren, that idiot gets into trouble way too often.”

“I know.”

“And have at least sympathy for the ones who have to study today, ok?”, Connie added before they walked off to the checkout.

“What the fuck just happened?” I shrugged my shoulders again.

“I just finished your stupid games.” Eren groaned again but didn’t seem to be as annoyed and embarrassed as before.

A bit later, the kid decided what we were going to eat and it didn’t take too long to get all the things we needed. He vented a few times more about the short conversation with Connie and Reiner, which was still awkward for him, but all in all, it was nice. Maybe Eren was walking a bit too close or leaning in a bit too much when he was showing me something. I didn’t give a fuck because there was no way I wasn’t going to enjoy it.

At some moment when he was stretching out his arm, I noticed that he was wearing a black leather bracelet with studs under his hoodie. I had never seen him wearing one of them before, maybe he had worn one at the concert but that’s been already some time ago. I decided that I was going to ask him later when we got back to my apartment.

“I think I’ve got everything”, Eren said and then gave me the puppy-eye-look, “can we get some ice cream? Please?”

“Who was the one who told me I have too much junk food at home?”, I smirked and Eren’s puppy eyes became even larger. It was fucking cute and I could probably spend the rest of the day watching the pup. “Please Levi”, he practically begged, “I won’t say anything about the content of your cupboards anymore. Ok?”

I wanted to hug him. Hug him and kiss him and tell him how perfect and adorable he was right now. And all I could do was to brush over his hand with my fingers for a short moment. Eren smiled at me before he did the same.

“Is that a yes?”

“Whatever. But not that cookie dough shit, it’s disgusting.”

 

We ended up buying the cookie dough shit because Eren apparently loved it and his begging was way too convincing. But not good enough to convince me that I should eat it, so we bought another box of _normal_ ice cream, too. I had some human dignity left, after all.

Back in the apartment, I didn’t have time to put the stuff we bought anywhere, let alone reacting at all, when Eren pushed me against the wall and claimed my mouth in a messy kiss. He didn’t waste any time and pressed his tongue against my lips to get inside my mouth. I let him in because I wanted him as much as he wanted me. And it was totally worth to hear is breath stutter as his tongue slipped inside my mouth.

When he pulled away to lean his forehead against mine, his cheeks were dusted in red and he was breathing heavily.

“Do you know how fucking mean it is when you look at me like that all the time and I can’t touch you because there are other people around us?”, he asked annoyed but continued to let his hands wander up and down my sides.

“Oh? And you think I was aware that I looked at you _like that all the time_?”

Eren huffed. “You were. You were fucking staring at my ass.”

I couldn’t bite back the sly grin that found its way on my lips. “Maybe?” Eren had a nice ass, there was no way I couldn’t pay attention to it.

Eren huffed again. When he got his hands under the jacket and shirt I was wearing, he leaned down to kiss me. His kisses were just as powerful and passionate as his personality, he did everything on his instincts and impulse. I think that was it what made them perfect and left me breathless and completely overwhelmed every time.

But that didn’t mean that I allowed him all the time to be the cocky brat he was. Eren gave a shuddered moan from his throat when I pushed my hands under his clothes as well and scratched my fingernails against his back. He pulled away to put his head into the crook of my neck.

“Levi, fuck… C-can we stop here?”, the boy suddenly stuttered. I stopped whatever I was doing to his back instantly.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah.. I’m fine. More than fine. It’s just. I-I don’t know… Sorry”, he muttered.

“Tch, what are you sorry for? It’s ok. Let’s get all the stuff in the kitchen.”

Eren still looked pretty embarrassed when he picked up the two bags that had ended up on the floor during our short make out session and slipped out of his shoes. And we were both trying to ignore our half-hard cocks that were visible through our trousers. Judging by the way Eren’s face turned even redder than before, he was worse at ignoring it than I was.

I could understand why he wanted to stop. I guess that things were just too soon for both of us. And I wondered what was going on in Eren’s head sometimes when he changed from one mood to another pretty fast.

“So, what have you planned?”, I asked while we were storing everything where it belonged to. I had already seen noodles, chicken and different vegetables and I knew that he would also need some other things that were already in the fridge.

“I was thinking about pasta bake.”

Cooking with Eren was more of a “don’t you dare to touch anything in my kitchen with your filthy paws”, “I have no idea where to find the thing you need right now. Leviii, help me” and “oh my god, Eren, stop hugging me, you’re not a bur and I’m trying to figure out how to cut this vegetables without making a mess”.

I knew how to cook, okay? … well, maybe not that much… I just haven’t really done it in this extent in the last few years. Eren, on the other hand, knew exactly what to do and had enough patience to explain it to me. I still didn’t know what to do about his idea of becoming a kindergartener but I could see that he was capable of doing it. Not that I was comparing myself to those little fuckers, it was only the same concept of teaching and patience.

Whenever Eren finished his task faster than me, he would stand behind me with his chin on my shoulder and his arms around my waist, watching me preparing the food. Although I couldn’t see his face, I was sure that he was fucking grinning.

“What the hell are you grinning about? Enjoying the fact that you can do it better than me?”, I asked and Eren chuckled next to my ear. It sent small chills down my spine and they were definitely not bad.

“Come on, you’re doing well. I’m just really enjoying this right now. It’s been a while since we’ve last done this”, he whispered, then nuzzled my neck and pulled me closer. I laid down the whisk I was using to reach up and tangle my fingers in his hair and put my other hand on his arms around my waist. Eren purred contently as he was leaning into the touch.

“It was ten years ago, do you even remember it anymore?”

“Fragments. It’s more like a feeling of happiness when I think back to it.”, Eren explained and then added with a dorky giggle, “but I remember that you already sucked at cooking back then. Mum always had to help us.”

“tch. I’m sorry this shit was scorching before I had time to do anything against it.” Eren laughed wholeheartedly and unwound his arms from waist after he had pressed a kiss on my cheek. I tried to ignore the sweet feeling that bloomed up inside of me along with an annoying heat in my face but failed. Eren was just so hopelessly cute, it should be forbidden to be that adorable.

“Put that cream stuff into the baking dish. Then I can cover it with cheese and we’re ready to go!”

Eren was all hyped about how good it looked and that it will taste great, but then I had to tell him that we were going to clean the kitchen. Now. I had warned him.

The kitchen was clean around the time the meal was ready. Eren let of a sigh of relief because he knew that he was now safe from my “do it again”. My cleaning standards, the old story.

When we brought the food at the table, Eren looked like the eight year old version of himself: Bright, shining eyes, one-thousand watt smile and adorable small giggles. I wanted to see him like that more often, the happy Eren, not the one who was worrying about his family and his future. There was nothing of this right now, he was just fucking happy about every small thing. Ant that good mood was infectious.

“Did you just smile, Levi?”

“Watch out that you don't burn your fingers...”

“You totally did!”

Eren talked a lot during lunch, like always. Talked about school, friends I already knew and friends I didn't knew, and very little about his family. After last evening and last night, I couldn't blame him for that. I didn't want to talk about it again because Eren should be able to enjoy that piece of happiness he was having right now. He would talk about it if he really wanted to.

About one third of the noodle bake was left when we both had had enough, it wasn't hard to guess what I would have for dinner and lunch tomorrow. We stashed everything in the dish washer, then made some dessert: I had a few scoops of different ice cream flavors I found in my fridge and Eren simply took the whole container with the cookie dough stuff. I gave him a death glare that implied that he had to be kidding me. He just smiles victoriously like “just watch me” before he left the kitchen together with the container and a spoon and went to the living room.

I followed him and sat down next to him and he instantly pulled me closer that I kind of half lied and half sat on and next to him. I already wanted to complain that there was a carpet under the couch and that he should watch out not to drop anything onto it but one the one hand, he already knew it and on the other hand, it would meet deaf ears and a roll of his eyes. that I kind of half lied and half sat on and next to him.

“You think that this is comfortable for you?”, I asked because it didn't look comfortable at all.

“I'm fine”, he affirmed, “and besides, I can do this.” He put his head on top of mine, then changed the position again to put his face in my hair and sniffed.

“Oh god, Eren, you're such a creep.”

“I'm not. You smell nice, by the way”, Eren mumbled against my head and chuckled but thankfully lifted his head again. No, I didn't miss the extra weight already.

We ate in silence apart from a few tries from Eren to feed me with his ice cream, followed by an cute giggle when I told him to fuck off.

To be honest, there were moments when I realized that Eren still was a playful child in some aspects. His body might be nearly adult but sometimes I could only see him more as a child than an adult. I didn't mind his childish side, I was more scared about the fact that I saw him as child sometimes. It scared the shit out of me. I wanted to see him as an adult and although I did it most of the most of the time, there were ten years. Ten goddamn years. Not only the age difference. There was a gaping hole during these ten years I hadn't seen him. And the person I had last seen had been a young boy after all. It made me feel insecure.

“Is everything alright?”, Eren asked. My body must have gone stiff or something.

“Overthinking a lot of crap, that's all.”

“Talk to me, Levi. Please”, he mumbled as he nudged my cheek with his nose. I wheezed but told him anyway.

“I was thinking about our age difference an---”

“I already said that I don---”

“No, hear me out before you bury me under another word vomit, ok? I … I sometimes struggle to see you as an adult because the last time I've seen you, you were only eight and I'm ten years older and suddenly you're all grown up and shit.”

“Oh...”, Eren just said.

“Yeah...”

“I don't know if it's really such a bad thing. Like, I think that most of the time, you see me as somebody you take serious... well, equal. And if you see me as a child sometimes, I don't really mind, it doesn't bother me much. And you never treated me like a stupid child when I was younger. Remember the day when Erwin and I first met? You weren't acting like I was some dumb kid. Not then and not now. I think, it's alright, you don't have to worry. You... you know I love you.”

At first, I froze. Then I turned around. Eren looked at me with a shy smile and a dark blush on his face.

“Eren, I---”

“I know that it might be too early and too fast because we're only dating for two weeks. And we haven't figured out everything by now. But I also know that I've never felt this happy and this save with somebody else and that I do love you.” Eren wanted to go on with his rant but I cut him off by kissing him. When we parted, he still looked nervous.

“You're really something, do you even realize that?”, I whispered and was smiling honestly.

“Sorry, I shouldn't have said it....”

“Eren, it's alright. I love you, too.” I hadn't said this word in a long time. Therefore I had thought that it would feel strange on my tongue. Like the taste of regret or insecurity. But in reality, it felt like it belonged there and it felt real.

Eren's eyes widened instantly and began to shine in bright green like the sea. He hugged me, shifting until he sat on my lap and hid his head in the crook of my neck.

“I was scared that you didn't feel the same.”

“Shh... you're perfect, ok? This is perfect.” Eren nodded. We didn't say anything for a while. This was more than perfect. I've never felt this content with another person, maybe not even with Erwin. And even if, it didn't matter anymore. Because here I was with this wonderful human creature I had missed for so damn long. I'd thought that I'd never get his happy in my shitty life.

“You have a thing for my lap, haven't you?”

“It's nice here”, Eren said, then sat back to look at my face, “And I can watch your face from here.”

“That interesting?”

“Yeah... I love your eyeliner, bye the way. How do you get it this thin?” He reached up to trace the outlines of my eyes, carefully not to smear the black lines abound it, and then traced the rest of my face. I looked up and noticed that it probably would look good on him, too.

“Years of training. Should I show you? On your face, I mean.”

“Really? Would you do it?”

“I wouldn't have asked otherwise. So yes or no?” Eren's bright grin was enough as an answer.

I left him in the living room and picked up a few things in the bathroom. Although I used it every day, or at least at the days I left the house, I didn't own much make up. A few kohl and liquid eyeliner, black shadow and skin-colored concealer when I looked too much like an undead after another sleepless night.

I took all of it and brought it back to the living room. Eren was already vibrating with excitement.

“Don't shit yourself over such a small thing. If you don't sit still, I can't apply anything. If you move, I will draw a dick on your face as punishment.” He actually tried not to move but you could still feel his excitement as I sat down next to him and turned his face towards me.

“Close your eyes, don't move, don't talk.” The boy did what I told him and kept his eyes shut until I had finished the black line on his upper eyelids. Then he looked up until I had finished the other lines, too.

“Ok, look at me now.” He blinked for a few times before his eyes met mine. To say that he looked good was an understatement. Eren looked fucking amazing: The black framed his large eyes completely and highlighted the Caribbean blue pupils perfectly. I must have stared because Eren gave me a sly grin.

“That good?”, he asked. I got rid of that stupid smile when I kissed him passionately. Yes. That good.

While we were kissing, I stood up and pulled him with me toward the bathroom without breaking contact between our lips and his arms around my neck. Eren needed a second to realize where we were but then he was examining his reflection in the mirror.

“Woha... it's a bit strange but I like it. A lot. Can you show me how to do it? And do you think I could wear it every day?”

“I wouldn't mind”, I shrugged and kissed him on his cheek. The reflection in the mirror blushed.

“To be honest”, Eren began, “I envy your style a bit. Because I like the way you dress and don't care what other people think about you. I'd love to, and I kind of wanted to dress like this for quite a while now, even before I met you... again... at the concert.”

“Is that the reason why you're wearing your bracelets today for the first time since the concert?” Eren lifted his hands like he wanted to make sure that they still were there, and nodded. “Yeah, kind of. I can't wear them when I'm somewhere with my family, when I get home from school or something like that. That why I rarely wear them if not on concerts. I don't think Mum would approve it. And Dad would never---”

“Tch, Eren, it's your life.”

“But...”

“No buts”, I looked in his eyes with the most serious expression I could manage, “Do you want to be a little rebellious shit or not?”

 

Hanji squealed in enthusiasm (I was only waiting for her to jump through the phone line when I called them to ask if they wanted to help us shopping for a few new clothes for Eren. I trusted them a bit more when it came to style and they knew a few more addresses than I did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you in two weeks! (on Friday again ^^)


	17. Dear New Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As I already said, I had no idea why we were some more participants in Hanji's crazy shopping experiment (they called it like this themselves (without the crazy)) than expected. Eren had called me yesterday to tell me that he wanted to bring Armin along because he was apparently curious which shops Hanji would find and what we would get for him. He could also be moral support to survive Hanji. Splitting up the impact of their hyperactivity on more people, less mental damage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, more than 3500 hits. THANK YOU! ^w^ and thanks for the nice feedback.  
> As already said, a Friday-update again, PLEASE read the notes at the end of the chapter!!

I still had no fucking clue how it had happened but somehow we were definitely more than the three planned people for our shopping trip.

“Black...”

“Red!!”

“I don't want him to dress as a signal flag. Black it is.”

“But Levi~. Red is so fitting for Eren.”

The shop owner, Eren, Marco, Jean and Armin were honestly confused and didn't dare to say anything. Which was probably better. For one's health.

“You're such a killjoy, sweetheart”, Hanji whined, “Then what about pink?” They held up the pink version of the tightfitting ripped pants The black one was in my hand while Hanji had the green and red pants in the other hand.

Eren was so shocked when he heard the word “pink” and the way his eyes widened when he saw the neon pink… was nearly cute. Armin patted his arm in sympathy.

“Hanji, you don't fucking dare to dress Eren in that horrible color.”

“Pink can be a wonderful, powerful color, you know. And don't forget, colors aren't gender-specific.” I looked up and down at Hanji. They were wearing their apparently favorite black bondage pants (the ones they wear nearly every day) and a black sleeveless hoodie with a lot of black belts and silver accents.

I guessed that we looked like a lost group of freaks: Hanji all black and silver, Marco was wearing similar clothing plus eye patch and glove on his right hand, me in gray jeans and stone washed blue jacket with badges and studs. The only ones that looked “normal” were Armin, Jean and Eren but until the end of the day, at least Eren was supposed to look differently.

“Says the one who only wears black. You don't even like pink.”

“Yes, yes! I just wanted to see your reaction”, they grinned and put that pink thing back on the table, “Then it's red!”

“Hanji, I swear to god, you're the most awful person I know. You suck.”

“Awww, that's why you love me, my favorite midget. No offense, Eren. You can have him, too.” Eren blushed and looked away embarrassed. Jean nudged him with his elbow and grinned, what only lead to Eren hitting Jean.

As I already said, I had no idea why we were some more participants in Hanji's crazy shopping experiment (they called it like this themselves (without the crazy)) than expected. Eren had called me yesterday to tell me that he wanted to bring Armin along because he was apparently curious which shops Hanji would find and what we would get for him. He could also be moral support to survive Hanji. Splitting up the impact of their hyperactivity on more people, less mental damage.

When we had met at Hanji's house this afternoon, Jean and Marco were already waiting for that idiot at the porch. Hanji had been late, go figure. Marco had tried to call them a few times but gave up in the end. He had explained that they both had to come with us because “Marco needs some new clothes, you can't have enough clothes. And bring Jean, what he wears is so boring”, to quote the shitty four-eyes. They appeared ten minutes later, with two bags of groceries and a hug for everyone.

Now, in the first shop where – according to Hanji – they had the nicest trousers – I had to be in this brainless argument with them. Fashion sense is pretty nice but no flame-fucking-red pants for Eren.

“Guys, how about asking Eren?”, Marco piped up after another five minutes of “But Levi~”. Hanji and I turned towards them.

“You're right, we should ask him. The possibility of getting a valid answer would be pretty high”, Hanji mused, “Eren! The black or red ones?”

Eren shrugged helplessly. “I kind of like the black one”, he stated, then pointed at a stack with dark red pants with the check patterns, “but I like these, too.”

Hanji and I had been too engaged into our fight about the first pants that were looking nice to care about the other things around us. It was their fault, after all. They looked nice, about the same fit as the one I was holding now. I took it from the shelf and shoved both of them into Eren's hands.

“Changing rooms are over there.”

When Eren had disappeared behind the curtain, Hanji came over and hugged me from behind.

“He's such an adorable boy, have I already mentioned it?”

“Yeah, about twenty minutes ago.” However, you couldn't say it often enough. Eren was adorable and I was such a lucky ass that he loved me.

We hadn't said it often in the last few days, it was only Thursday after all, and Eren had first said it on Saturday. Most of the time, it was a whispered “I love you” at the end of a skype conversation or phone call. It meant the world to me. Already five days ago. We hadn't done much after I had called Hanji for the shopping trip, only cuddling in bed and dozing off a few times. Mostly Eren, which was totally understandable after our late night thing the night before.

I hadn't expected him to wear eyeliner every single day after that but I was wrong. Every time he showed up in the café, he had. With some help from his sister, had he explained and he said that his friends didn't even mind. Lucky him, there were so many assholes who would think of it as a reason to beat him up. I hoped that I wouldn't have to visit him in that clinic again. Of course I was proud of him that he didn't mind standing out a bit. Call it bad influence from the big brother, I take all the guilt on myself and would tell everyone to get lost and leave my Eren alone.

“And now stop bothering me, four-eyes.” They were still hanging around my neck while giggling obnoxiously.

“You're blushing! That's interesting! What are you thinking about, hmm? About your super cute but also super sexy boyfriend? In his new clothes? Or better, not wearing anything! Oh please, tell me that I'm right, that would be adorable if even my little grumpy thinks about stuff like this! I guess that's a nice change from all the salty thoughts in your mind. Right? Right??”

“Just shut the fuck up and get off.” Hanji laughed and probably didn't even think about letting go.

Marco and the other two boys had taken safety distance and looked around a bit. While he was actually looking for something new, Ponyboy and Blondie just trailed behind. Jean apparently didn't mind his boyfriend's fashion choices but I couldn't imagine him in a similar style. And he himself neither.

When Eren opened the curtain of the cabin, all eyes were on him. He was wearing the black ones I had chosen. I liked them but somehow something was missing. They were too normal.

“Try the other ones!”, Hanji exclaimed right next to my ear, I should call myself lucky that I haven't gone deaf yet. I pushed that idiot off, enough of overly affectionate Hanji today.

Eren went back once again to the changing rooms. In the meanwhile, Hanji started a talk with the shop owner, who was a friend on their endless friend list. Sometimes I wondered if they could go somewhere without making a shit ton of friends at once.

Eren came back, with the red-black checked pants. Four-eyes clapped their hands in satisfaction.

“See, Levi! I told you that red was the right color for him!” They were right, it looked nice on him. But at the same time, it was still too boring. Everyone could wear that. And Eren wasn't everyone.

“Which one do you like best? Or should we look at another store?”

“Well, I like both of them and they both fit. But I don't know...”, he trailed off, looking down and then to the changing rooms.

“Then why not both?”, Armin, who had joined us again at some point, suddenly piped up. I looked at him questioning.

“You mean buy both?”

“Yes, but maybe Eren can sew them together, one leg of these, and one of those. I don't know much about clothes, especially the kind of you have planned for Eren but that's what I would think of. They even have the same fit, haven't they?”

Eren smiled instantly and brought the black ones to hold them against one leg. Now, that was something I could imagine. He looked in my direction.

“What do you think?”

“Not bad.” Hanji huffed and wanted to attack-hug me again but I took a step aside, leaving them flailing their arms to get back some balance.

“'Not bad'? Look at your precious cinnamon roll, Levi. That's exactly what we're looking for! And we are lucky to find something like this at the first store. It must be fate, yaay!” I was sure that my comment implied the same but I left it like that, Hanji was talking enough for all of us. Eren knew what I meant.

“But I can't sew...”, he admitted.

“I do”, Marco chirped, earning a strange glare from his boyfriend. “I lived with a big family, at some point you have to learn it when your siblings need your help. And I need it sometimes at the old people's home.”

There we had our Freckled Angel Marco fucking Bodt again. He took a look at the pants and decided that, yes, he could make one out of them.

Eren paid when he decided that he didn't find anything else. And Hanji happily lead us to the next small store. I already knew that this was going to be a fucking long and exhausting day, but for Eren, I could endure it. I was worried a bit that my leg could start to hate the idea of walking the whole day but until now, everything was fine apart from the usual by medicine dulled pain. I always had some weak painkillers with me if it should get worse.

This shop was smaller than the last one, a bit darker and the few patches of wall you could see were painted in florescent colors. Which wasn't much because the room was packed with shirts, hoodies, t-shirts and similar things. It was a wonder that you could still see the floor and weren't drowned in a sea of fabric.

The boys were amazed by the sheer amount of band shirts in such a small space that they all walked off into different directions to whatever had caught their interest. I had been here a few times already, mostly because the shop owner was another friend of Hanji (remember what I said about Hanji and their friends) and I was dragged along every time they felt like they had to chat with him. But they were right about bringing the boys here, they had the interesting stuff.

Eren grabbed my hand to pull me to some shirts, eyes wide like a kid in the candy store. The sudden contact startled me, I hadn't expected it. Somehow I was even sure that Eren hadn't even noticed it. But I didn't mind. His hand felt nice and warm.

“Look, isn't this one great?”, he grinned and held up a dark green hoodie of a band I didn't know. You couldn't know every band, okay?

Based on Eren's blush, he had realized that we were holding hands. He tried to play it off and pull his hand away, but I definitely wouldn't let him.

“Uh... sorry, I was somewhere else with my mind.”

“Do I look like I care? It's fine. So, do you want this one?”

He decided that he would think about it but wanted to look around first.

At the other side of the room, the other three boys were discussing something loud enough to hear them. Something about music and that Armin should totally buy the t-shirt from this band and not another, because he would totally like their music if he knew them.

In the end, it was another ‘Breached Walls’-hoodie for Eren, not the thick fabric you’d usually have but like t-shirt fabric. I had the feeling that he had plans for it but he wouldn’t tell me when I asked him. Jean bought two items, one for him and one for Marco and Hanji had to overdo it again. I counted three shirts and one sweater for them and they insisted to buy me one, too.

Hanji wasted no time to drag us to the next shop. Luckily, they gave Eren and me some time alone when they had to draw out some money and the rest went to a bakery to get some food where we wanted to meet afterwards.

I was looking at some ear studs when Eren came over, smiling happily and already with two belts in his one hand. In his other hand, he took mine.

“I’m so happy right now”, he whispered and kissed me on my cheek and jaw when he was sure that no one was watching, “I still don’t know how I should explain it to Mum but I’m happy.”

“Then don’t explain. You’ll find a way to wear it anyway. By the way, have you ever thought about piercings?”, I asked, only to remember a few seconds later that Eren had already one: the navel piercing.

“I have. But I hadn’t had the chance to get one because it would too noticeable. The only piercing I have was because of a stupid bet. Don’t ask.” I turned my head to look at him and after some staring he sighed.

“Okay okay, Connie and I had a bet running and whoever would lose had to do what the winner wanted. I was sure that I would win. And he cheated. That’s why he won. Anyway, he told me to get a piercing and then I kept it because I liked it. I could always shrug it off as lost bet if my parents found out and would take it out if they asked me to do so. But the last 3 years, it worked pretty well.”

“You were 15?” Eren shrugged his shoulders like it was nothing.

“Nearly 16, but yes.”

“You’re all fucking idiots, you know that?”

“Yeah, I do. Hey, are you going to buy these?” He pointed on the pair of studs I had in my hands. They were dark green spikes and the color was a bit like Eren’s eyes. In the last years, I had started to like exactly this color so it was no wonder that I had picked them this time.

“I was thinking about it. Why?”

Eren held my hand a bit tighter. “Let me but them for you, ok? I like them, too.”

How could he possibly act this stupidly innocent and cute? I felt something warm in my stomach, this boy totally got me. When I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t necessary because I was the one who was earning money and poor high school students shouldn’t pity me, a wild Hanji appeared in the shop.

“Eren! I found the perfect vest for you! Like, it was totally made for you and is waiting for you! And with some stuff, we can make it even more perfect than it is right now. Ahahaha, Levi, I know that look, but believe me! You should see it. Oh wait, I can show you. You know that shop close to the station. I saw it there. Oh, you have to see it. Now, pay your stuff, we have a mission!”

With that, Eren picked the two ear studs out of my hands before he plus the studs plus two belts were dragged to the counter where he paid for it.

 

Eren came over a few days later, after all of us had proceeded the long and exhausting and somehow survived it. I was sure that Hanji had had coffee that morning, I couldn’t explain it otherwise. I had once met Hanji when they had tried energy drink. They had thought it was funny, the rest who had prevent them from climbing the next house didn’t thought it was funny at all. Ok, it was. But only until they thought that they could fly, too. It was only energy drink but stuff like this always gives them strange ideas, or more: the ideas are already there, they just need a trigger.

Anyway, Eren wanted some of the sew-on patches I hadn’t needed for my own clothing yet. I had collected them over the years because I had thought that I would need them one day or because I simply liked them.

“So you do have a hobby aside from cleaning”, Eren grinned as he began to spread out the different patches on the small table in the living room. I could have hit him but I was pretty comfortable with leaning against his shoulder right now so he got away with that. Especially the fingers of his left hand that were drawing mindless forms on my back weren’t that bad.

“Do you really think I do nothing but cleaning? Eren, we have met each other at a concert, I think that counts as hobby”, I murmured. Eren didn’t answer, he is way too engaged with putting all the stuff from its bag on the table. He had started with a system but I was sure that he had already forgotten it by now. When he had finished covering the whole damn table with small and big fabric patches, he looked at them in awe.

“There are so many to choose from!”, he whined and dropped his head on mine, “why do you even have so many? I like them all.”

“And you won’t put them all on your vest because this is too fucking much, so decide”, I added. Eren huffed, letting his hand roam over the table but dropped it on my leg again with another whining. I didn’t miss how he let his hand wander pretty close to my crotch and although I was fine with it and enjoyed it, I was wondering what he was trying to achieve.

“Sure I can’t have them all?”

“Sure. C’mon, it’s not that difficult. You’re acting like your life is depending on choosing some stupid badges.” Eren’s eyebrows furled in concentration as he tried to figure out which one he wanted. I lifted my head a bit to get a better look on his face. The current expression was somehow cute, I was just waiting for him to stick out his tongue. His range on expressions were amazing, I probably hadn’t even seen half of them until now. I could watch his stupid face for hours and that this stupid face was stupidly handsome, too, didn’t help much. His shining, dark green eyes framed with black eyeliner, sun kissed skin and the rest was too much to handle sometimes. Sum it up as: I was totally distracted from whatever Eren just said.

“What?”

“I have a few now.”

Oh. Looked like I had been daydreaming longer than I had thought. Eren had in fact a bunch of them in his hands and as far as I could judge, they were a good choice: Some bands and some other stuff.

“Then come on, let’s sew them on your vest.” Shitty glasses had been right about the vest they had spotted then. It was a light blue jeans vest with frayed edges at the shoulders. We had decided together that we would only use sew-on patches to decorate it because Eren wasn’t the type for studs and metal.

I can’t sew for shit - that’s why I was glad that we had Marco who wanted to bring the pants in a few days – but I understood the concept of a sewing machine enough to do a bit with it if it was necessary. And this bit of knowing was the basis to explain Eren how to sew the patches he had chosen on the other fabric. It was a struggle for both of us because this thing apparently hated me as much as I hated it.

When we finally made it, I asked Eren to try it on. I was curious how it would look. He shook his head, grinning.

“Not yet. When I wear it, I want the outfit to be complete. Sorry, but you have to wait for a bit”, he explained and gave me a kiss. He was right but I was still curious. It would take at least one more week until Marco has finished it. This was torture.

“So, any plans for now? This is done and my parents don’t expect me for another hour”, Eren said. He leaned his body against mine before he nudged my cheek with his nose just to kiss it a moment later.

“We could watch another movie”, I suggested although I wasn’t in the mood of watching anything but Eren right now. And Eren didn’t seem to be interested either when he leaned up against me more, one hand on my leg, the other one behind my neck on the backrest of the sofa.

“Don’t you think we’d be distracted easily?”, he whispered in my ear and I lost it when he playfully nipped at my earlobe. I pushed him down on the sofa and covered his mouth with mine, drinking in his sweet little moan. Eren responded eagerly and pulled my head closer with one hand. He put the other one on my back, stroking it through the fabric until his hand crept beneath it and pushed it up until it was stuck under my arms.

It was suddenly way too hot in the living room; my breath came out in short pants like I just ran a mile. I hadn’t thought that just these small touches from Eren would stir me this much. They felt wonderful. I sat up to allow Eren to pull the shirt over my head and giving me the chance to look at his face. His cheeks were flushed red and his pupils blown wide, only leaving a small rim of green.

“Can I?”, I asked, dropping my hands to his waist to the hem of his shirt. He nodded and moaned softly when I slid my hands under his shirt. I let my hand wander up to his chest, over his stomach and his hips, watching every emotion on his face.

“You look beautiful like this”, I whispered, then leaned down to kiss the skin of his chest, “so beautiful.” I could only kiss him once or twice before he pulled me back to his face for another passionate kiss.

When my hands roamed over his nipples, Eren let out a low moan. He turned his head to the side but never broke eye contact, even as he rocked up his pelvis against mine and his breath hitched. He was just as hard and turned on as I was. My breath stuttered as well with every time he rocked up his hips to create this wonderful friction. The blush that had already spread over his face and ears down to his neck became even darker. But I noticed that he looked a bit lost, his hands gripping my arms, not knowing what exactly to do.

“Are you alright?” Despite his oblivious helplessness, he smiled.

“More than fine”, he whispered breathless, “this feels so fucking good.” The grip on my arms loosened a bit. I placed my hands over his to guide them away from my arms down to my stomach, telling him in this way that it was okay for him to touch me, too. First he hesitated but then his movements became bolder. Every single touch tingled on my skin even when his hands were already on another part of my body, every scratch of his fingernails along my shoulder blades burned in the best way possible.

My mind was pretty much clouded with lust by now and nearly all of it was taken over by the sight of the beautiful boy beneath me but I realized that sex wasn’t an option for today. I wasn’t sure if I even had condoms and lube in my bedroom, and without would be a no-go. It would be Eren’s first time. I surely wasn’t going to press it in the last hour we had today together.

Eren’s frustrated groan when he noticed that I was somewhere else with my mind brought me back. He sat up a bit that I could pull off the shirt he was still wearing. I leaned down to mouth along the curve of his neck and collarbone. My hands wandered down to his pants and I rubbed them against the bulge there. Eren whined heavenly, throwing his head back and gave me even more room to bite the skin of his neck. Before I could even ask if this was still fine, he nodded.

“You know, I don’t want us to have sex this evening”, I said between deep breaths of air. Eren nodded, part of him probably disappointed, the other part relieved. He tried to pull his hands away but I held them in place.

“I can still jerk you off if you want to.” Eren’s reply was a breathy moan and a vigorous nod. His fingernails pressed harder in my skin, leaving red crescent-shaped marks on it.

I slid my hand under both his jeans and his boxers. It was difficult to hold back my own voice because what I touched down there felt fucking good and it felt like the temperature of my body rose even more. I leaned up to his ear to whisper two words: “Just breathe.”

We did.

 

Marco told me only a few days later at work that he had finished the pants for Eren. He had them already packed into a bag to give them to me and then giving them to Eren in private. But I was working in a madhouse. And unfortunately, the creature that called themselves my boss was the main lunatic. So this hyperactive idiot snatched the bag from Marco’s hand before we had even noticed that they had even entered the room. Sneaking up like a fucking cat or something. Then they called Eren because he had to come over as soon as possible to try it on. Because of some school stuff, the meeting (where probably everyone would be invited) was shifted to the next day. I was not going to say that I couldn’t wait to see it myself.

Maybe a bit, yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THREE WEEK BREAK! I'm going to Japan and won't be able to upload and hadn't had much time to write lately. When I get back, I will try to post a new, probably shorter chapter as soon as possible, and then the usual every-two-week-updates on Saturdays again.


	18. Dear Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren finally gets his new outfit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back from Japan! (and I want to go back to Japan right now Q.Q It was sooo amazing!) I had hoped that I would have some more time to write but we were exploring the city everyday so, short chapter today, next one hopefully in one and a half weeks (I'm sorry!!! ._. )

At some days when I was working in the 104th trainee squad, I was wondering why people came here. Because usually, we had some costumers, not that it was completely full, but it was never completely empty either. Was it the with band poster wallpapered room? Was it Hanji’s eccentric but somehow nice room design? The perfect freckled gothic Jesus that was working here? The fact that Annie and I were able to make coffee that didn’t taste like piss mixed with three week old dish water? And I didn’t even like coffee.

I was always searching for this particular reason that kept the people here and not making them scream in horror and run away when Hanji had planned something.

Because the first thing you got when you entered the cafe was probably a fucking headache. Probably because of Hanji’s various screeches during the day.

Like right now as Eren and Armin came into the shop.

„Sweethearts“, they shouted and pulled them both in a hug. Eren was wearing a simple hoodie and jeans but in his hands he held two full bags which were obviously filled with clothes. He smiled when he was me sitting on the counter and walked over to stand between my legs. Some stupid butterflies started to bother me in my stomach. To some point, I was used to it. Armin was already in a conversation with Hanji about some science shit, they didn’t even notice us. Or mind it anymore. I was sure that our plan not to act weird around our friends failed every time the boy walked through that damn door.

„Hey“, he smiled.

„Done embarrassing both of us“, I asked. I was tempted to wrap my legs around his waist but not here As much as Hanji was one of my best friends, this was something for my apartment when we were alone. Because this could evolve to something different very quickly as we had realized a few days ago. I was not going to fuck my boyfriend on the counter, that’s what I wanted to say with that.

„Naw, not really. There’s still a lot to do for me.“ He leaned down towards me and didn’t back up when I whispered a warning „Eren“. Before I could go on and explain him that he should not do this in public, he licked the tip of my nose.

I stared at him with a black expression and he started to laugh.

„You’re disgusting, you idiot“ He just continued to laugh despite my death glare.

„Come on, don’t look at me like that, Levi“, Eren said smiling once he had finished laughing, „I know that you love me anyway.“ The way he said it made my heart skip a beat It wasn’t one of his shy phases, he was full of confidence and I was glad that he was showing it.

„If you keep doing that, I will have second thoughts about that“, I joked and Eren hit playfully my shoulder.

„Now, I want to see you with the new clothes. Get your ass over to the room in the back, or I will make you change your clothes right here“

„Ïm already going“ When Eren closed the door behind him, I had to restrain myself from just going into the room and watch him or anything. I was still pretty excited about the whole idea although Hanji and Erwin - who had showed up yesterday - told me that I looked like I wasn’t interested at all. I was. I hated the fact that I had to wait for ten more minutes. Hanji and Arming joined me at the counter and we took quick looks to the door about every ten seconds like Santa Claus was going to jump out of it any second.

It only took about 6 minutes until Eren stepped out of the room.

I was fucking staring at him with my mouth open and I didn’t give a fuck right now.

„Eren, its perfect“, Hanji shouted and Armin nodded in agreement.

„What do you say, Levi?“, Eren asked with a sly grin and stuffed his hands into the pockets. He was wearing the „Breached Walls“-shirt we had bought together but he had cut open its sleeves. Over it, he wore the jeans vest that we had decorated a few days ago with the badges. He was wearing the pants: Red-black checked on the left leg, black ripped open on the right leg. Three different belts criss-crossed over both legs. And black combat boots.

Hanji was right, it was perfect.

I had known that I have a fucking perfect boyfriend but this was more than I could have ever expected.

My little brother had obviously grown up.

„It’s not that bad. I thought you’d fuck it up“, I said shrugging and got hit by Hanji.

„Don’t be like that, Levi“, they said, „Or are your thoughts too dirty to share?“

„Shut up, Hanji“, I mumbled as I walked past them to Eren, grabbed his shirt and pulled him towards me to kiss him. He stumbled a few steps forward in confusion that I feared that we would fall over for a moment but he caught himself again and kissed me back.

When we pulled away, his eyes opened slowly, like in these stupid romance movies with the difference that the actors are usually shitty and Eren was a natural when it came to playing cute and innocent.

„Please, get a room you two“, Armin said as he put one hand over his eyes.

„What, you don’t enjoy our little show?“, Eren grinned but the blonde coconut head was right. Just because Hanji was fangirling over there right now and had about 15 different pride flags at the cafe entrance, it didn’t mean that Eren and I didn’t have to do everything in front of everyone. And I didn’t feel comfortable with about 10 pairs of eyes plus Hanji and Armin.

So the easiest way to deal with that problem was to take Erens hand, pulling him back into the room and closing the door behind us.

„Levi, uh, what are you..?“, I successfully made him shut up by pressing my lips against his again. I hoped that nobody would come in so I didn’t even tried to hold back. Eren neither. When our lips and tongues were involved in a slow dance, our hands were roaming over each others bodies that were pressed together.

When I had said that I wouldn’t fuck Eren on the counter, I hadn’t counted in that he would look hot as fuck, and that he got me completely. If he would ask me, I would probably do it anyway.  
And we were probably going there, when we heard a knock at the door.

„Sweethearts, please don’t make a mess inside there. And if you’re done: I need some sugar!“  
Although we were still save, Eren jumped away like something had caught him with the hand in the cookie jar.

Then he let out a groan that could have been annoyed or embarrassed.

„Oh god... what the fuck are we actually doing here? Okay, we have to stop. Especially because of Hanji and Armin outside.“ He stopped mumbling and opened his mouth a few times while the gears in his mind were working to form a complete sentence.

„Do you want to come over to my place?“, the boy blurted out suddenly. I rose an eyebrow.

„Doing what there?“

„Playing Mario Kart. Oh my god, you know exactly what I mean because its a goddamn stupid idea to keep going in here. Don’t make me say it out loud. Mum isn’t at home today, she said that she’s having coffee with Jeans mother and won't be home before six or seven in the evening. And I can ask Mikasa to stay away, I don’t know. So please? It’s closer than your apartment.“

I should have argued that it would be better in my apartment because parents are unpredictable and I wasn’t sure if Eren was ready to break it to his parents. But I wasn’t thinking clear anymore, not in this situation. My fight was already lost as I looked in the two dark green orbs. Erens idea sounded great.

„Yeah, ok.“ We adjusted our clothes again before walking back to the main room. And I went right back when Hanji’s towel landed in my face followed by a „Don’t forget the sugar!“

„Hanji, do you need me for the rest of my shift? I have something to do“, I asked as I gave her both things. They put both hands on their hips and played the serious boss. „Well, probably more like you have to do someone, am I right, Levi. And you think I’ll just let you go?“ I rolled my eyes annoyed, thankfully they were speaking in a volume that not the whole cafe would hear us. Eren and Armin did though and became red.

„Erwin and you, you two are the ones who want to get me laid the whole time. So, yes or no?“ Hanji pretended to think again, then grinned.

„Alright boys. Play save, and tell me how it went, ok?“

„Shut up, Hanji. But thanks...“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Punk!Eren here: http://flamerebel-art.tumblr.com/post/125334592309/punkeren-yeager


	19. Dear Mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, I was afraid that somebody could be at home. There had been no shoes left in the entrance hall and it didn’t look like anyone had come home in the last few hours. And Eren had asked Mikasa to stay away for some time and made sure that she wouldn’t come home before evening. And Carla was away. However, I was a bit paranoid. Maybe it had been a fucking stupid idea to come here.

Eren’s home was pretty nice. It wasn’t the same as back in Shiganshina. Of course, I mean the aura it had. While this one just looked pretty and clean, the old one had been my home as well until this asshat had thrown me out. But it had been a good time before that, living with the Jägers had been much better than living in the shithole I had used to live in together with my real father.

Although it was a different house, it felt a bit like coming home. Not because of the building but because of Eren’s sweet grin as he opened the door.

The entrance hall and the living room you could see from here were bright despite the shitty, cloudy autumn weather outside. Another thing I noticed was that it smelled faintly of Eren and Carla.

Eren gave me a shy smile when he took my hand and lead me through the living room. We didn’t talk because I didn’t trust my voice. This was more for me than just seeing the home of my boyfriend. This was finding out how my brother lived in these ten years I hadn’t been here for him. For a short moment, I thought about the fact that I could have lived here as well if the thing hadn’t happened. I would have moved together with Eren from Shiganshima to Trost and lived in the same house as him. Maybe things would have become different and we wouldn’t have started dating because of the circumstances. These were stupid thoughts; but that didn’t change that they hurt a bit.

The door to the kitchen was opened and it was huge. Compared to the small one in my apartment, which would explain Eren’s cooking abilities.

Behind the living room was the staircase, down to the basement and upstairs to more rooms.

To be honest, I was afraid that somebody could be at home. There had been no shoes left in the entrance hall and it didn’t look like anyone had come home in the last few hours. And Eren had asked Mikasa to stay away for some time and made sure that she wouldn’t come home before evening. And Carla was away. However, I was a bit paranoid. Maybe it had been a fucking stupid idea to come here. But to my excuse, I was pretty turned on when we had been in the café and Eren’s pleading had been too convincing.

Eren lead me up the stairs into the first room on the right, his own room. I had expected worse, to be honest. Like a battlefield of unwashed clothes, empty food packages and bottles. Probably because I was used to Hanji’s bomb crater they were calling home. But Eren’s room was okay. Like the rest of the house, the room was bright and white furniture, a desk covered with books and pages from schoolwork, a few posters on the walls as well as photos. A queen-sized bed in one corner of the room. Which reminded me of why Eren had invited me here. Not that I wanted to get in his pants as soon as possible but Eren had implied something earlier that definitely went in this direction.

“So…”, Eren hadn’t forgotten either; he was standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, stepping from one foot on the other.

“I kind of miss the dinosaur pictures and the play carpet with the city on print”, I said with a small grin. The boy before me rolled his eyes.

“We can buy you a new one if you need it in your life so badly”, he gave back, then sighed, “I gave most of the stuff away when I was too old and the remaining things I hadn’t needed anymore were thrown out when we moved to Trost. Had been a new beginning for me. I didn’t want to leave the memories of you behind but, yeah, I had to because it was hard for me. I had been struggling a lot with them and in the end I took them with me anyway.”

That night had been a cruel way to grow up for Eren. I still thought it was my fault only. And Eren knew that I was thinking like that. Although he had told me that I couldn’t have done anything against it and I had explained that it wasn’t his fault neither, we felt both guilty.

“How does it come that we’re both so fucked up”, I mumbled under my breath. Eren heard me anyway d hugged me tightly.

“I don’t know”, he whispered, “but let’s make the best out of it. Forget it for a moment, ok?”

We just stood in his room, embracing each other. I had no idea how long and it didn’t matter, we had all the time we needed. Just standing here and soughing in each other’s presence and scent.

“I love you so much, Levi”, Eren whispered against the skin of my neck, “you can’t even imagine how happy I am when I’m with you.”

I didn’t know what to answer because, fuck, it was the sweetest thing Eren had ever said to me. I t was an awful cliché but it made me feel lighter anyway. My heart was definitely beating faster and I could feel Eren’s heartbeat as well. I opened my mouth a few times but when no sound came out, I decided to show him how much I loved him and how much I cared for him. I untangled my left arm from his back to reach up to his head, petting the soft chocolate brown locks, then to his face and traced it with my thumb; eyes, cheekbones, his nose and the soft slightly parted lips. I tilted my head to the side and pulled Eren’s head down to me. The dark green eyes that had watched every movement with curiosity fluttered shut when I pressed my lips against his.

It was as sweet as the words he had said before and I loved every moment of it.

Every moment I spent with my Eren.

He moved his hands from my back to my waist, resting them there for a while before he pulled up my shirt and let his hands wander over my skin beneath the fabric. His hands were warm and my breath hitched. Eren chuckled quietly at my reaction but didn’t comment on it. They moved up and down my sides with feather-light touches while mine were cupping his face or were sunk in his hair.

Without opening our eyes or breaking the kiss, Eren began to walk slowly backwards, pulling me with him towards his bed. When I heard a small thud of the back of his legs hitting the frame of his bed, he broke the kiss and his hands left my body.

I opened my eyes and saw Eren crawling onto the bed, sitting down in the middle of it, then he reached out his hand toward me with a smile and a blush on his face. He lay back when I came closer that I could put my hands and knees on both sides of his body to kneel above him.

“Hey”, he whispered. I had to smile a bit. From here, I could see the red that was dusting his cheeks as well as the dark red of his lips. He was perfect in every single way.

“Hey you, too. Is this alright?”

Eren nodded. He reached up with both hands to cup my face, tracing it like I had done before with curiosity. When he was finished, he dropped his hands down to my waist and began to pull up my shirt without any hesitation. Despite his shaky fingers, his movements were much bolder and more certain than last time which was good. I probably didn’t have to mention that I was hard just from this. I didn’t bother to look down, I knew that Eren was aroused just by looking in his eyes. They were dark with lust and hunger.

The shirt reached my chest and I sat on my heels to pull it over my head. As I leaned down again, I kissed him deeply before I asked that had been present in this room since we’ve come in:

“Do you really want to do _it_?”

Eren didn’t hesitate again and nodded.

“Yeah, I want to do.. it… uhm… lube and… condoms are in the back of the nightstand”, he explained nervously, the red in his face definitely didn’t come from being turned on.

“Why do you have that stuff?” I kind of hadn’t expected it. Eren looked away embarrassedly but smiled anyway.

“I bought them last week because… I don’t know. I figured out we would need them one day, ok?”

“That’s ok. We’ll get them later”, I said and before Eren could protest even more, I kissed him passionately.

While we were lip-locking, Eren put his hands on the front of my pants. One was working on opening the belt buckle and the other one was rubbing the bulge through the fabric. It was so unexpected that I let out a breathy moan against Eren’s lips and instinctively pressed my crotch into his hand. I heard a low chuckle and a shit-eating grin crossed Eren’s face.

“So eager?”, he asked in the same low voice that drove me crazy for some reason.

“Shut the fuck up and keep doing it”, I pressed out between gritted teeth and a chocked-back moan when Eren touched there just right, “By the way, why am I the only one getting naked?”

“We can change positions… if you want to. It would make it easier for me to undress.” Eren finished opening the fly of my jeans before he pulled me towards him and rolled us over. What meant that the bulge in his jeans was rubbing against mine and it was more than unfair that there was one layer fabric less and the friction was even more intense.

“Fuck, Eren, warn me next time!” That idiot just shrugged and sat back on his heels between my spread legs. He shrugged off the jeans vest he was still wearing and let it laid somewhere behind him, then slowly pulled up the shirt. It was just like the first time I had seen him doing that, in my apartment when it had been raining. Slowly unraveling the toned stomach, slower than it was necessary, making my mouth going dry. With the difference that now I was allowed to stare, to watch and to touch him.

Pulling the shirt over his head left his hair in an even bigger mess than usually but the combination of chaotic hair, shirtless and dorky grin was somewhere between sex god and adorable puppy.

His hand roamed over his stomach, first up to his chest, gasping softly as he touched nipples, then down to the main belt. The two other belts hung ignored on each side of his thighs.

Agonizing slowly, he pulled the belt out of the first loop and…

_The clicking of a door being opened_

We stopped breathing.

_The sound of footsteps_

Eren turned his upper body in panic to the still wide-open door.

_The thump of a closing door_

Oh shit.

“Eren, are you at home?”, a female voice asked. I recognized it instantly, even after more than ten years. Eren recognized it as well and froze. He didn’t even breathe.

“Eren, you’re at home, aren’t you? Do you have friends visiting you?” And now she found the two pairs of black boots in the entrance hall. We’ve just managed the best way to show her, that we were here. And I was pretty sure that coconut head and horseface didn’t wear this kind of shoes.

“Oh fuuuuck”, Eren whispered, still staring at the door, “that was not planned, I’m sorry, Levi, I… shit, I don’t---”

Maybe Eren should stand up and put on some clothes. Hell, maybe I should put on some clothes. Before she came upstairs and saw her son keeling over a stranger. Like “hi, I’m new here. I was just going to have sex with your son, but it looks like there are more important things right now. Wait, do we know each other?”

But Eren was on the verge of a panic attack. And as much as I feared that she could come to Eren’s room, I needed this few seconds to calm him down.

“Eren, it’s ok. It’s going to be alright, do you understand me?” I reached up to cup his face and stroked the skin of his cheeks tenderly. The boy closed his eyes while his breathing went back to normal. Then he swallowed before he shouted: “I’m home. Why are you already here?”

“Jean’s mother had an appointment and couldn’t stay for long. Who’s with you, darling?”, the female voice shouted back, slightly worried. So, your son has never brought home a person who was wearing nearly knee-high boots. That was going to be interesting.

“We’ll come down in a few minutes.” Eren finally crawled off the bed to get an appropriate shirt from the wardrobe. I picked up my own shirt and put it on again, then fastened the belt. Our boners were (fortunately) gone.

When I was looking for Eren, I saw him biting the skin of his thumb nervously again. I stood up and took both of his hands in mine.

“It’s okay, Eren. There’s no need to freak out. I know Carla, she can deal with it.” Eren nodded but his hands were still trembling.

I could pretend that it would be just fine, I could act as if it wasn’t a big deal for me. In reality, I was just as scared as Eren. Fuck ten years more life experience, I had never been trained for this. Eren’s mother already knew that I was gay, it will only be difficult for Eren to explain it. My problem was different. It was Carla herself. If it was anyone’s mother, it would have been easier. I didn’t give a flying fuck about who knew that I was playing on the other side. But she was Eren’s Mum. And had been mine as well.

She had supported me after I had been thrown out, I had never thanked her for that. I hadn’t when I could have done it during my stay with the Smiths because I wanted to never speak with anyone of my old family ever again. Later, it felt out of place.

Which didn’t mean that I could forgive her completely. She hadn’t held me back. She had done what Grisha had told her. She was not a part of my family anymore.

And now I was going to meet her again. Should I mention that I had no idea how she would react?

Eren took a few deep breaths before we went down to the kitchen. It would be all or nothing and I hoped that it would go well for Eren. For us. It had to be a happy ending this time.

Eren’s grip on my hand became tighter with every meter we came closer to the kitchen. He gave me a nervous smile.

“Mom, I need to tell you something… And you need to… to, well… meet someone”, he stuttered while opening the door. I didn’t dare to walk in the room and keep standing in the doorway, Eren one step before me.

Carla stood in front of the fridge with the back towards us, putting groceries inside. It looked like she had been buying food, although Eren had told me that she was meeting another mother. She definitely didn’t know what she should be prepared for.

“What is it, darling?”, she asked calmly, then turned around. She stared at us with her mouth hanging open. Maybe she was trying to say something although she was still processing in her mind what she was actually seeing. She wasn’t even seeing me right now but her son. I guessed that it was the first time she’s seen her son with mismatched pants, leather bracelets with silver studs and the eyeliner. Eren had never mentioned to me if Carla had seen him wearing it before but probably he had always washed it off before she came home.

Then she noticed me. Not only that a) the guy who was holding hands with her ‘darling’ and b) kind of wearing the same clothes style as Eren but she also recognized me. Her eyes became wide and even from here I could see was on the verge of tears. The woman forgot about the pack of cheese in her hand, it dropped on the floor; the only sound in the room until Carla opened her mouth.

“Rivaille…”, she whispered with a trembling voice. I nodded.

“Is that really you?”, she asked and I nodded again. I didn’t know what to say. She hadn’t shouted at me yet. She hadn’t told me to get away from her son. Yet. I was still waiting for it.

“It’s really you”, she said, and now the tears were flowing down her cheeks. But a small smile played on her face. Then she rushed over to me. And hugged me. She was still taller than me, I realized. And she was warm. Just as warm as ten years before. Still the same person. She pulled my head closer to her shoulder and carded her fingers through my hair. It was oddly calming. She was still crying but did her best to hide it.

“I’m sorry”, she said hoarsely, “I’m so sorry, Rivaille, for everything, I couldn’t stop Grisha, I—I should have never let him do that. I’m sorry. Oh, Eren… how—no--- do you remember it, do you two remember everything”

“I do”, he answered. Carla couldn’t hold back a sob and cried even more as she pulled Eren into our embrace.

“I’m so sorry, you two… I didn’t want anything of this for you. I still feel so guilty for that night, I should--- I couldn’t---“ The next words were swallowed by another sob and after that I could only here her quiet crying but we didn’t dare to speak. She shouldn’t feel guilty because it wasn’t her fault.

“It’s okay”, Eren said after a while, his voice as shaking, “but Mom… there’s another thing you need to know. Levi and I, we’re dating. He… he’s my boyfriend.”

Carla pulled back from the embrace but kept her hands on our arms like she didn’t want to lose the contact on any chance. Eren’s and my hand between us were still connected and his mother looked at us surprised. But also understanding.

“To be honest, I hadn’t expected that before I’ve seen you. I hadn’t thought that you’re also… gay”, she smiled but suddenly her face became hard before it changed to the sad and worried face of a mother. “Eren, don’t tell your father about it. Oh please, don’t do it. I don’t want the same thing to happen to you. I don’t want this in this house to happen again.”

“I won’t”, Eren assured smiling. Some of the tension in Carla’s shoulders went away and she managed a smile that was so similar to his mothers.

“Rivaille--”

“It’s ‘Levi’”, Eren corrected her. She looked surprised but didn’t comment on it.

“… Levi. Would you like to stay for a little while before Grisha comes home? I’d like to talk to you a bit since I haven’t seen you in years. You’re so grown up, and you’ve changed so much.”

Since I didn’t have to go anywhere and Eren’s and mine previous mood had been – unfortunately – destroyed by Carla appearance, I accepted her offer. She shooed us back to the living room to make some tea and coffee but she also needed a moment for herself to realize the situation and become calm again.

It was not fair for her, I knew that. Her son just came out of the closet and I suddenly appeared again after 10 years. I would be utterly confused and unsure how to deal with that shit if I was in this situation. She had to be strong today and I knew that she was.

“It worked”, Eren smiled happily and pulled me in a euphoric hug, “Mom’s accepting us!”

“Don’t start spinning us around”, I groaned – because that’s what he would probably do next – but I was happy for us, of course. We just made an important alley, the most important one. No matter what would happen next, she could still support him. Although I still wasn’t sure how to deal with Grisha because one day he will find out and then we would see if that night would repeat itself.

“Or what?”, Eren’s grin was dangerously close to Hanjis.

“Or I’m going to fucking puke on your shirt.” Eren didn’t believe me but he didn’t spin me around, that was an improvement.

“You’re such a killjoy sometimes, you know that”, he whined but gave me a brief kiss anyway.

Carla came out of the kitchen only a few seconds later with a tray of steaming hot coffee and tea mugs. Eren was still wrapped around me and began to blush furiously when his eyes met his mothers.

“We… I… uhhh… yeah…”, he stuttered and let go off me, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. We sat down around the table in the living room before Carla handed us our beverage. Coffee with a shit ton of milk for Eren (does it even count as coffee anymore?) and black tea without anything added for me. She still knew what I preferred.

“Can I ask you some questions, Levi? Or do you want to tell me everything by yourself?”, Carla asked. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Just ask.”

“How have you been the last few years? I know that you moved in with the son of the Smiths but I don’t know what else happened. And… where do you work now?”

How have I been? That was the most difficult question she could have chosen. I’m fine now and was the most of the time. If you forgot my accident, Petra’s death, and some points in my life where I had hit the floor and hadn’t had the power to stand up again.

“I was fine”, I said instead, “I finished high school in Shiganshina and started working in the café that’s managed by a friend. And I lived with Erwin until we broke up and I have a small apartment here in Trost.”

“I see”, she mumbled, then set down her own cup and looked at the two of us, “and when did you meet Eren? I mean, I don’t really mind it but how would you meet him?”

Eren didn’t even give me the chance to answer the question. “We met at the concert where I went with Armin, Mikasa and Jean, do you remember? In September. I met him and his friends there.”

“Did you remember---” Eren shook his head. And I thought she had questions for _me_.

“I didn’t really remember him… Because, you know, you all pretended that he never existed. So how should I think that he’s my adopted brother. Why did you have to hide that?” Eren’s eyes glistened with something like a mild rage but also hurt.

“I didn’t know how to handle it, Eren. Grisha wanted that we’d never talk about Riv--- Levi again. And you would have asked for him even more often than you did when you thought that he never existed.”, she explained but it wasn’t enough for Eren.

“But why?? Why did you have to take away a part of _my life_? Dad threatened me with therapy! I didn’t know what to think anymore!”, Eren suddenly shouted. I had expected that it would end like this. I let out a long sigh

“Eren, don’t---”

“But---!”

“Eren, no! You don’t need to shout” The boy stared at me angrily for a few seconds before his face softened again and mumbled a sorry.

“I never wanted this for you”, Carla explained, “Please try to understand me, I never wanted that Levi would have to leave us and I never could have imagined that Grisha would go this far. I should have reacted differently that night. It’s my fault.”

I clicked my tongue in annoyance and crossed my arms in front of my chest. “It’s not. You said that you didn’t know that Grisha would go this far. This asshole has thrown me out, not you. And if I had stayed, I wouldn’t have had a single moment for myself because Grisha hates me for the fact that I’m gay. And this won’t change. But don’t blame yourself for it, Carla. I… I can’t see you – and especially your husband – as my parents anymore but that doesn’t mean that I disrespect you. Here’s your son, and you love him. So please take care of him that not the same will happen to him, okay?”

Tears were welling up in Carla’s eyes again but she nodded.

When my cup was empty, I decided that it was time for me to go. I wanted to spend more time with Eren, but for now, I had done enough damage and Carla needed some time.

“Well, I’ll get going then. Thank you for the tea, Carla.”, I said as I stood up. Eren stood up as well and said something about bringing me to the door. We said goodbye and when I stood at the entrance to the living room, Carla called my name again.

“Levi, Please take care of Eren. I’m just a bit worried because you’re a lot older than him and because you were well… adopted brothers once.”

“Mum…”, Eren whined. However, she was right.

“You don’t have to worry about that, Carla. Eren’s very important to me and our relationship works quiet well. I really do love him, if that’s what you want to know.” Eren next to me glared at me in surprise. Carla on the other hand seemed relieved.

“I see, then it’s fine”, she just said and smiled honestly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It could be that the next chapter will be a bit late because I'm going on vacations in France for one week. I don't know how much time to write I'll have. Have a wonderful time until then!


	20. Dear Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Levi are invited to a dinner with Mike and Erwin. After an incident at school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY THIS IS SO LATE!! x.x I didn't even noticed that already two months passed. My training started in September and I don't come home before 5 p.m (and when I'm at home, I feel like doing nothing). I really try to write more. Again, I'm sorry!  
> But thank you for sticking with me, the kudos and comments mean a lot to me!  
> See you (hopefully) soon!

There were things that happen in life. Sometimes you regret them, sometimes not. This time, I definitely didn’t regret it because apparently, this world was full of idiots.

That’s how it came that Eren and I stood in front of a fancy restaurant, just a little time after the sun had set and were waiting for eyebrows and his fiancé. Eren with the biggest shit-eating grin I’ve seen in quite a while on his face and, yeah, even I was a bit amused.

We hadn’t changed in something more decent. Why should we? To be in the same level as these racketeers that were dining here and hopefully choke on their lobster? Please not. Plus Erwin had his connections, we would even get into the restaurant if we were only in underwear. Maybe we would have to take the backdoor, but that wouldn’t change the fact that we were in.

Erwin had called me that morning to ask if Eren and I were up to have dinner together. My pleas that he could just make some damn meal at home – I seriously didn’t care if it was precooked – were unheard and we agreed on a stupid double date. I don’t know why. It was nice to go out with Eren because until now we didn’t have a real date yet but both of us hadn’t thought that our first date-like-thing would be in a super expensive restaurant…

I haven’t come to the “world is full of idiots”-part of my story yet.

Mike’s dark green car arrived after some time but exactly on time. I hadn’t expected anything else. Erwin’s business-man-attitude started to rub off on him. They both wore dress shirts and plain dark pants and a dark jacket; Eyebrows even had a tie. Somebody should tell him that work was over for today.

And then there were Eren and me.

We didn’t even get a proper hello or a “Eren, long time not seen!”. We got a strange and concerned look on Erwin’s face.

“What the heck happened to you?”, Erwin asked shocked.

“Met the tooth fairy… God, what do you think what happened?”, I rolled my eyes. I would have grinned maybe – but my cheek hurt too much for that. That ass had hit me pretty hard. And my leg still hurt. Eren looked a bit worse; a band-aid over his nose, his lip was still swollen and split open. His right hand was bandaged because of some ugly scratches. And the right knee was bandaged as well.

We looked like totally beaten up and straight out of hospital. On the way to a fancy dinner in an expensive restaurant.

That’s where I come to the idiot-part of my story.

* * *

 

After I had finished at work, I wanted to pick up Eren from school. I knew when his classes would end, so I was waiting next to my car in front of the main building. I hadn’t been here in years. Nine years, I guess, after graduation, I hadn’t wanted to see that ugly thing again. I had hoped that schools were the only place which were overrun by narrow-minded idiots and the other scum. I had been so wrong. But with the years, you learned how to deal with them, without breaking a few bones and bruises.

Eren didn’t even know about the dinner yet and that I would pick him up, but I was sure that he wouldn’t mind much. Thanks to Carla, Eren only needed to give her a call and she would allow him to stay away longer or skip dinner to be with me. Grisha didn’t even notice that Eren wasn’t at home most of the time and even if he asked where Eren was, Carla would tell something about an upcoming test and that he had to study with one of his friends and he would stay overnight. I still didn’t like the idea of involving Carla, it could hurt her if that piece of shit who was her husband found out. When I had asked Eren about it, he had told me that Carla wanted to do it for us.

Between the dinner and the end of school, there was some time left. I hadn’t thought about a nice program yet but maybe we could just drive around the city and Eren would tell me about school. I didn’t really care about how we spend our time. By now, I was such a cheesy idiot in love that it was enough to be close to Eren.

I heard the school bell and shortly after, the first students left the building. Yes, feel free, at least for that evening… I kept waiting and waiting. After 10 minutes, I got pissed off. Either Eren’s teacher decided to let even the last lesson last longer than necessary or Eren was in snail-mode and was shuffling around agonizing slowly. Since I didn’t want to spend the whole evening there, I walked towards the school building. A lot of the students gave me strange looks or were talking in hushed voices to their friends when I passed by. See what I said with idiots and other scum. I wondered how Eren could deal with that.

“Levi?”, I heard somebody ask behind me and I turned around. I couldn’t remember the girl’s name, she’s been to the thing in Hanji’s café but apparently she remembered me.

“Do you know where Eren is? I thought his lessons were over now?” The girl played absently with her blonde hair and looked at me with light blue eyes.

“Eren’s lesson? Yes, they are over, he is in the same class as me. But I have no idea where he is, I thought he had already left”, she mused. Great, she didn’t know either.

“I haven’t seen him coming out of the school. Really no idea where he is?” The girl shook her head when a tall dark-haired girl with freckles appeared. Ymir, if I remembered correctly.

“Yo, you’re Eren’s grumpy runt from the café, aren’t you? You want to pick up Eren?” I decided not to start a fight with her _because nobody insults me, especially not with my height_. But I had more important things to do right now. I wouldn’t deny that I was mildly concerned about Eren’s disappearance. So I nodded.

“I saw him talking with two guys from the other class close to the gym. Well, they were actually shouting at each other but that doesn’t make a difference when it comes to Eren, does it. If I was you, grumpy, I would hurry up. Your lover boy and the two other boys aren’t best buddies.”

“Ymir!”, the blonde said, “Couldn’t you stop them? Sometimes Eren even listens to you.” Ymir just laughs obnoxious and shook her head.

“Sweetheart, Christa, men are too stupid to talk. Don’t worry, he’ll do fine.”

“I wouldn’t be that sure”, I pressed out between gritted teeth, “Thanks, I’ll look for him.” Eren wouldn’t do fine, he’s getting into fights too easily before he even knows his opponent. Stupid kid.

Fortunately, I still knew where the gym was located and I found it quickly. The closer I came to gym the better I could identify Eren’s voice who was shouting some threats to the other student. They were so engaged in their fight that they didn’t even notice me. Eren was pressed against the wall by one guy who held both of Eren’s hands over his head while the other one repeatedly hit Eren’s stomach. Eren had already received a few blows, blood was dripping down his chin.

Fucking assholes.

“Hey, who are you?”, one of them screamed at me, “you look just as dumb as Jäger, do you know that. Get away! Leave us alone” The hell I was going to leave them alone. I didn’t answer them verbally but kicked the freak that put Eren’s hands against the wall in the stomach, hard enough to send him flying for a meter or two. My leg instantly began to complain but I hadn’t time to think about it now. When he didn’t get up but curled into an adorable ball of pain I turned my attention to the other student.

“Listen”, I began, grabbed him at the collar of his shirt and threw him on the ground. I had no change to get up when I straddled his upper body and pressed down his legs with my shins, “I could break your bones, if I wanted to, and right now I want it very much because you’re a piece of disgusting crap. If you or your buddy ever try to hurt Eren again, I will do it. I don’t care what your reasons are, let out your frustration elsewhere. Do you understand?” I had expected him to nod and run away as soon as I let him go because that how these fuckers work.

But he just grinned and got his hand out of my grasp to hit me in the face with his fist. It hurt like hell, I tasted blood in my mouth but at least I hadn’t have any weird things in my mouth like loose teeth. I spit out the blood and glared at him dangerously. Now he was getting scared.

“Did you not listen or something, you piece of shit?”, I hissed before I hit him once in the stomach. His face contorted into a pained expression and I pressed my hand down on his mouth to prevent him from screaming. The last thing I’d need now was a teacher.

“You’ll leave Eren alone for the whole time you and him are in this school, and afterwards, I swear to god, if I ever see you in the same room as him, I’m going to kick you out. And he’ll tell me if anything happens. I don’t know in which shithole you live but I’ll wait here in school and remind you that you’re disgusting piece of trash. So, I’m going to leave you and your friend here, you will not follow us and you will not tell the teachers. Do you understand me _now_?” The frantic nod I got from him seemed to be honest enough to let go off him. He kept staring at me even after I had stood up and swept the dirt from my pants.

“Come on, Eren. Let’s get out of here. And you, don’t forget what I just said.” I stared him down with a deathly glare that I meant completely serious this time and left. Eren followed me wordlessly until we reached the car.

“That was---“

“What? Amazing? Exciting? Awesome? Eren, it was nothing of this, I just saved your ass”, I huffed, stupid cheek was going to kill me.

“It was amazing, how you just beat them down and threatened them!”, Eren said with an unhealthy portion of excitement and awe in his voice. I sighed. This had been completely stupid.

“Eren, I hurt students from your school. Because you got in a fight again. Now please tell me it wasn’t your idea to start the fight. And before you do that, sit down here.” I had opened the trunk of the car and Eren sat down on the edge.

“It wasn’t mine idea. You remember the time when I had to go to the hospital. It was because of the same guys, I guess they wanted revenge. Hey, what are you doing?” I opened the first aid box and put out a few bandages and band aids. It wasn’t the first time I had to fix up people in the trunk of my car although usually Hanji was with me because they had done something utterly dumb that hurt both of us or I had gotten into a fight. Hanji had also had been the one to teach me how to take care of injuries.

“Treating your wounds, have you already forgotten them?” Eren looked confused down to his hands and the bleeding knee, then back to me and shrugged.

“It’s not that bad”, he mumbled.

“Tch, look at you. Your knee and hand are open, the lower half of your face is covered in dry blood and what the hell else is wrong with you. And now stay still” I rummaged Eren’s backpack until I found a half full bottle of water, wetted a tissue and gave it to Eren to clean his face. While he was doing it with one hand, I put a bandage around his other hand and when I was finished, I cleaned the skin of his knee and put a band aid on the small scratch.

Eren had been lucky. It could have ended much worse. He had been in hospital last time, after all. I was concerned about it, more than I could tell Eren. He had said that he had been in fights to make sure that the day was real, that he had fought because he had been scared. But had hoped that it would have ended because he and I knew our past and that it had been real. I didn’t know how to confront Eren with it. I couldn’t let him get hurt more, especially now that Carla knew that I was taking care of Eren.

As if the boy could read my thoughts, he put his hand on top of mine and smiled. “I’m fine, Levi, really. You don’t have to worry. I don’t want to get in fights anymore; today was… an exception because it wasn’t my fault the fight had started. I promise that I won’t get into any fights, okay?” I nodded and he smiled a bit more, leaning forward to press his forehead against mine. I could stay like this for forever but Eren pulled away too fast.

“By the way, what are you doing here?” I told him about Erwin’s call and the dinner tonight. It was no big deal for me but Eren became a bit scared.

“I haven’t seen Erwin for years, I only remember his eyebrows and I’ve seen the photographs on the wall in your bedroom. And I have no idea who his fiancé is, I’ll be completely out of place”, he mused. I clicked my tongue and rolled my eyes.

“You’re worrying too much. Erwin is an idiot and so is Mike. The last thing they would do is to ignore you. Although I still don’t like the idea to go to this restaurant, I don’t like the people there. Anyway, we still have some time to kill. Any plans?” Eren thought for a few moments before he stood up and went to the passenger side of the car.

“Can we drive away from school and then get to a nice lonely place? I really want to spend some time alone with you and I don’t feel like driving to my or your place.”

“Yeah, that’s alright” I wanted to stand up and follow Eren to the front of the car but a strong pain went through my left leg up to the hips and I had to sit down again. Gritting my teeth together to not make a sound and alarm Eren. Fuck this fight, I should have known that my hips wouldn’t like that at all. I had never liked that idea but I had always a few pills in my pocket. They weren’t half as strong as the ones I took in the morning to keep most of the pain away during the day but they helped me in situations like these. I fished them out of my pockets and swallowed it dry. Then I tried to stand up, slowlier this time. Hopefully, they would start to have an affect soon.

Eren hadn’t noticed anything and had waited for me to return. He grinned at me with a still swollen lip and a rest of blood under his nose.

“Erwin will love this…”, I muttered before I started the engine.

* * *

 

Erwin totally loved this. The disapproving look was mixed with concern. With every other person, he would probably have a long talk about problems and stuff but when it came to me, he had given up long ago. But hey, it was neither Erens nor my fault. I hadn’t gotten myself killed by now so I guessed it was ok. He was more concerned about Eren, maybe this wasn’t the best start for an emotionally and cheesy reunion but now it was too late for that anyway.

After he looked at me like a disappointed mother hen and I stared at him like a teenager in his rebellious phase for some time longer, he sighed and turned towards Eren.

“Eren, it’s nice to see you again, I had been sure that I wouldn’t meet you again. Levi has told me a lot about you but it’s great to see you in person. I’d love to hear more from you but let us go inside before. Are you two not freezing yet? Oh, and this is my fiancé Mike.” Mike took a step forward to shake hands with Eren, then suddenly pulled Eren a bit closer towards him, and before I could warn Eren, he was sniffing at the side of Eren’s neck. Eren looked honestly mortified. Then it was already over and Mike smiled. My boyfriends has just been officially accepted.

“Can we get some food now? I’m starving before I’m freezing to death.”

Of course we didn’t go to the main entrance. Erwin didn’t need any scandals and I didn’t need high-society chewing on their caviar. There was probably already somebody waiting for us at the back door to lead us inside to an extra room. Eren next to me was definitely anxious about the whole restaurant thing but he managed to not show it to everyone. It was probably easier for him if we took the other entrance.

A waiter was already waiting – what did I say? – for us outside. I bet he had imagined this evening differently, too, instead of waiting for some guests in the cold. It was already November after all, and it had gotten colder really fast.

He greeted us and led us into the holy halls of food. As expected, an extra room which was nice, all covered in dark wood with dark red panels and white highlights, a table in the middle just big enough for four people with a table cloth and candles.

While the waiter put away our jackets (and inspecting my jacket suspiciously (get over it, man)), we sat down.  Eren’s glare wandered through the whole room with respect, his eyes wide open. Erwin, who sat across from Eren, chuckled.

“You’ve really grown up, Eren. But I can’t help to see the little boy I’ve met in the café back then”, he explained.

“Well, he still is a stupid brat, that hasn’t changed at all--- ouch…” Eren kicked my shin under the table and stuck out his tongue in my direction.

“And you’re an old and grumpy ass”, he gave back with a grin. His face changed into an expression of pain when I kicked him in the shin. He had started!

“Anyway…”, Erwin said before Eren and I could start to insult each other, “I hadn’t expected to meet you again as Levi’s boyfriend. To be honest, I’m glad about it. I’m sure he cares deeply for you, even if he doesn’t show it all the time. And you care for him, too.”

The tips of Eren’s ears turned red as he nodded shyly. Erwin knew exactly what he was saying; he had had to listen to my ramblings about how I fucked up when Eren asked me to be his boyfriend, he knew how important Eren was to me.

Hearing that they both accepted Eren and our relationship meant a lot to me. There were enough reasons why they would not; the age difference, Eren’s and my childhood and the fucked up years between then and now. But Erwin and Mike understood us and wouldn’t question it. Four-eyes and these two idiots were the best friends I could imagine. And I was grateful for them. I didn’t tell them often because I still wasn’t the most emotional guy on this planet but they knew.

“I’m sure he already told you about my fiancé”, Eyebrows continued with a sweet, cheesy lovey-dovey dripping smile towards Mike that kind of made me want to say something rude. About spraying the gay all around and rainbow puking unicorns.

The waiter came back with the menus and – unfortunately – saved Erwin from my comment. Eren looked through the first few pages, then looked at me in horror.

“So expensive”, he mouthed but I just shrugged amused.

“I’ll pay. I was the one who invited you so don’t be shy and choose what you like”, Erwin cut in before Eren could lose himself in the high prices and run away in panic. Not that he would do it but honestly, I would feel bad for spending so much money just for food.

Eren relaxed more and more with the time. Erwin took his time to explain which dishes were good and what they actually meant which probably helped Eren a lot. Then they started to talk about Eren’s school and his free time, while Mike tried to talk me into having a new tattoo. Although Eren was in his own conversation, I noticed that he was listening to what Mike and I were talking about. I hadn’t mentioned the possibility of getting him a tattoo yet but I guessed that after this evening, he would want one for sure. Maybe I could ask Mike to make him one although he wasn’t 18. It would be a long discussion, still, for Eren it would be worth it.

At the end, I had an appointment planned for the next Thursday to get some ink on my left arm. I wasn’t sure about the motive yet but I wanted it to be related to Eren.

The food was really nice. Expensive, but nice, some kind of meat pie. Eren’s eyes sparkled with happiness. You wouldn’t understand how happy it made myself to see him like this, the Eren I want to see more without his worries about his family and especially Grisha. His foot had found mine under the table long ago and they had been connected since then.

During the meal, we were talking a lot. Erwin had said that he’d like to talk “a bit” with Eren but that didn’t mean he had to monopolize him completely. Though Eren didn’t seem to mind much.

When we had reached the dessert, Erwin put two envelopes on the table, one with my name and one with Eren’s.

“What’s that?”, I demanded.

“Open and you’ll know”, Erwin said smiling. I clicked my tongue annoyed.

“I’d like to be prepared for whatever is expecting me.” I opened it anyway.

Inside was a sheet of white, thick sheet of paper with the golden word “Invitation” on it. I was now expecting the worst…

It was the invitation to Erwin’s and Mike’s marriage, I found out only seconds later as I opened the letter. Instead of taking their time to prepare, they wanted to marry in the week between Christmas and New Year. And since marrying in Trost would be too easy, they decided to marry in Strohess, 600 km away from Trost. Stay in a hotel, starting on December 20th to 30th.

I groaned and covered my face with my hands so I didn’t have to see the shit eating grin from eyebrows and his dog. They knew how excited I’d be about their plans.

“Stohess, seriously?”, I groaned.

“It’s my hometown,”, Mike argued, “and my parents aren’t the youngest anymore, it would be too complicated for them to get to Trost. And being in Stohess can be nice.”

“Isn’t that the city close to the ocean?”, Eren asked as he studied the invitation.

Mike nodded chuckling. “I maybe wouldn’t call it exactly city since it’s actually quite small. But yes, it’s up in the north. Erwin and I spent our holidays there last winter and---”

“…and we’ll freeze our ass and ball off”, I finished his sentence. This could honestly only be the plan of somebody who grew up and didn’t give two shits about the weather or a puppy in love. Or both. I our case it was both.

“We’ll pay the train ride and your stay at the hotel, of course. And if you don’t mind, we’d like to celebrate your birthday, Levi.”

I clicked my tongue and shook my head as I leaned back in my chair, glancing daggers at Erwin.

“Forget it eyebrows. I haven’t celebrated my birthday in the last 7 years and this will stay like this. And tell Hanji not to buy party hats again. They make me sick. You know that I hate to make a big fuss…”

“But Levi…”, Erwin and Eren whined in sync. While I could ignore Erwin’s try to make me feel guilty pretty easily, Eren’s big eyes and pleading made me soft. It would be my first birthday with him together – again – and our first Christmas – again.

Speaking of Christmas.

“So… we won’t be here for Christmas?”

“It’s Eren’s and your decision if you want to come or not in the end. He doesn’t need to spend Christmas with us but since you, Eren, don’t really know Mike or me well, we thought that you could bring a friend along.”

Eren looked a bit lost and in thoughts but nodded finally with one of his adorable smiles. “I’d love to come, though I’d like to ask two friends if they want to come along, if you don’t mind.”

Erwin and Mike nodded understandingly. Of course they wouldn’t mind…

“Did you even had enough time to plan everything?”, I asked, “You proposed to Mike not even a month ago, and intend to marry in one month…”

“I know it might appear as rash but the leadership of my company has a lot of plans for the next years, cooperation with new partners, the preparations for an important deal have already started. Therefore, I don’t want to marry within the whole chaos, I just won’t have time for it and I don’t know when I’ll have even the chance to take vacations. The most important things for the wedding are already planned and reserved, and we still have a bit more than a month left, don’t we?”

Mike and Erwin smiled at each other at the word ‘wedding’ and Eren suppressed a grin when I rolled my eyes dramatically.

“You’re totally crazy but okay. I’m in and Eren, too. Happy?”

When we had all finished eating and the last round of drinks was empty, Mike went to the desk to pay and Eren disappeared to the toilets. Which left me and Erwin.

“How’s your leg doing?” He had probably waited all fucking evening to ask me.

“The kick in the afternoon surely wasn’t one of my best life decisions, it that’s what you want to know”, I mumbled annoyed. Since the pills from this afternoon had stopped having an effect, I felt a dull pain in my left leg and hip. It wouldn’t be something permanent but it wouldn’t end before tomorrow either.

Erwin sighed. “You have to take care. Not only of Eren but yourself, too.”

“Yeah, whatever. Can I get my pills or do you want me to do a powerpoint on the mistakes of my behavior first?”

Eyebrows sighed again because that’s probably what he would like me to do (just an assumption). I wasn’t going to discuss this topic again, especially when my boyfriend would come back in a few minutes.

He took the pills out of his pocket but hesitated for a moment.

“You haven’t talked about this with Eren yet, have you?”

“This is getting ridiculous”, I growled as I snatched the box from his fingers, “I’ll tell him when I think it’s the right time. I can’t expect him to put up with even more now.”

Finally, Eren came back to save me. Looking into his eyes was kind of difficult after my brief discussion with Erwin. I had to tell him everything, I knew that. Why I was depending on my friends when it came to my medicine, the whole story not just the tiny bites I had given him yet. However, I had fucked up in the past by not telling him about being his adopted brother and I guessed that I would totally fuck this up as well. This was utterly shit.

“You’re alright?”, Eren asked. I nodded despite my thoughts and Erwin’s stare into my back. Fuck you and your eyebrows…

Mike came back after he had paid, linking his fingers instantly with Erwin’s before we left through the backdoor again, bid each other good night and walked back to our cars. When Eren and I reached mine, Bright Eyes suddenly hugged my tightly, hiding his head in the crook of my neck.

“I’m so happy”, he whispered. I couldn’t help but to smile as I put my hands around his waist.

“It was just a dinner”, I tried to play it off. I could fee Eren’s huff and him shaking his head.

“You know it was more. Like… not really a date but kind of? You picked me up from school and we spent all afternoon and evening together, I had an awesome dinner…”, he trailed off, then took a step back to put his hands on both sides on my face. Even here at the dark parking space, his eyes were shining.

“I really, really couldn’t ask for more.”

I literally melted under his touch and his words. It was cheesy as fuck but damn, he got me. I could only hope that he didn’t notice how much I was trembling right now, and it was not from the cold around us.

“I love you, Levi”, Eren whispered as he leaned in to kiss me. Slow, careful kisses on the corners of my mouth, cheeks, eyelids.

“Love you too, Bright Eyes”, I said and when I opened my eyes, Eren smiled at me tenderly, just before he closed the gap between us again.

Minutes later, we had moved our actions into the car, me sitting on Eren’s lap and hands roaming over each other’s body.

“Do you want to stay at my place tonight?”, I asked when our mouths weren’t occupied otherwise. Eren had his phone out of his pocket faster than I thought it was possible and had already dialed Carla’s number. He tried to keep his breathe and voice steady as he was explaining her that he wouldn’t come home tonight but show up before school the next day to grab a few things, which was kind of complicated for him since I didn’t plan on stopping nibbling on his neck. His mother didn’t notice or had decided to ignore the small hitches in her son’s voice and Eren got the permission.

At the time we arrived at my apartment, it was already around 10 p.m. and as much as I’d liked to keep him awake a bit longer because he had to go tomorrow morning, he had school tomorrow and his teachers would appreciate a half-dead Eren Jäger. Furthermore, my Bright Eyes became sleepy again. To his defense had to be said that it had been an exhausting day but the amount of time Eren was sleepy or tired was amazing.

After I had taken a shower, I checked on his injuries before I sent him to the bathroom. They looked better than this afternoon, less blood and dirt, but I was still concerned about it. The thought that it could have ended worse was running around in my mind like on speed. School’s rough, yeah, but I honestly had no desire to visit him in the hospital again, one time of this nerve-wrecking shit was more than enough for me, thank you very much.

While Eren was showering, I prepared the bed and cleaned a few things. In the corner of my eye, I noticed the huge photo wall and paused to look at it for the thousandth time in my life. All these good memories, you can call me an nostalgic old man if you want to. This thing kept me going more times than I would have liked to need it. There was still space left. I hadn’t any with Eren yet but I hoped that Hanji would take more pictures than necessary in Stohess and they would give them to me if I asked. They would even stick them to the wall themselves just to have a reason to come to my apartment and make a huge fucking mess.

The sound of water stopped in the bathroom and a few minutes later Eren toddled into the bedroom, wearing nothing but his boxers. Eye cancer triggering yellow-blue boxers…

“If you wanted to get laid tonight, Jäger, your underwear is deterrent enough”, I deadpanned. Eren rolled his eyes and slapped my arm when he was close enough.

“Next time tell me the day before that I will stay the night at your place if you want something special”, he mumbled before he let himself fall face first onto the bed, then rolled on his back and opened his arms.

“You… don’t really expect me to fall into your arms, do you?” I ignored Eren’s stupid invitation, took off my shirt and laid down next to him, under the blanket. A few disapproving noises later, he had found his way under the blanket as well to spoon me, kissing my neck sleepily.

“Love you”, he whispered. I took his hand in mine and kissed the knuckles. Then I knew which tattoo I wanted to get. A compass, its needle had to point at the E.

Eren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I found a tattoo studio in the city where I go to school. It's called 'Mike's Tattoo' o.o )


	21. Dear Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I want--- have to tell them.”, the boy next to me blurted out suddenly.
> 
> “Oi, are you still dreaming or something? What do you want to tell who?” I looked at him confused because I had honestly no idea what he was talking about. He fidgeted with his fingers and was already about to bite his hand but I put my hands above his and looked in his eyes briefly before I turned them back on the road. With that, he opened his mouth again.
> 
> “I… I want to tell Mikasa and Armin that we’re going to Stohess and if they want to come with us… a---and I want to tell them that you’re my adopted brother”, he explained before he added: “And I have to tell Dad before I leave”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *climbing out of my grave, covered in christmas decoration* Sorry for the lack of updates ._.  
> BUT I have a stupid crazy insane idea: Since there are only 5 chapters left, I want to finish it until the first or second week of January. Sounds crazy, is crazy. The story's already taking place in November/December so I want to finish it in time. Wish me luck that I can do it!
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for feedback on the last chapters, you really brighten up my day! And, woha, over 4,500 hits, thank you!!!!!
> 
> (... changing to explicit because of... smut-stuff... I'm sorry.)

Soft touches on my back woke me up. It was dark outside, so it had to be still pretty early (although it was nearly winter and there wouldn’t be sun before late morning). I guessed that it was around 5.30, the usual time I was waking up.

The touches on my back began to tickle and I moved to escape the disturbance with a grunt, when I heard a low giggle.

“You’re already awake, Jäger?”, I mumbled half-asleep, then reached over to the nightstand to get the pill and the glass, and swallowed it before I turned around to face the boy next to me. He looked asleep himself, eyes half lidded and face half-smashed into the pillow and an adorable sleepy smile on his lips. It didn’t matter at what time in which situation I see Eren, it always makes my heart doing little skips when he smiles. Usually, I had the pleasure to watch him sleep until he’d wake up, blinking groggily and then, when he noticed me, he’d always smile.

His injuries looked much better than last night, he was even presentable like this.

“Mhhh… but it’s been only a few minutes”, he murmured into his pillow before he yawned, “Still half an hour left till we have to stand up.”

Although Eren surely was in the state of being still asleep, it seemed like he didn’t plan on going back to sleep. After I had turned around, his hands were on my body again, his fingers trailing the forms of my tattoos on my chest and arms.

“What is it, Eren”, I asked, because something was obviously bothering him.

“Do your tattoos have a meaning?”, he asked as he followed the line of the sun-like shape on my chest.

“Most of them do, yes.” And none of them had a happy story.

“Please tell me!” Of course he would like to know. Especially after last night’s conversation with Mike, he’d be even more interested in it than before.

“Alright, you’re sure you don’t want to sleep anymore?” Eren shook his head and I sighed, than began to explain with the wings on my back.

“I told you I got them when I became 18, they are supposed to show the freedom I got then. Carla and – especially – Grisha were still my legal gurdians and I had been afraid that me leaving them would have a consequence. I kind of couldn’t do anything without them after all. So 18 meant a lot to me.”

Eren pointed at the one on my upper arm, two black bands around it. “This one?”

“… has no meaning. I just wanted to have it. Same with the one beneath it, the barbwire. It has no real mean except for being captured and nowhere to go.” Eren nodded, and I thought back to my conversation with him at the morning after the bonfire when I had told him nearly everything that had happened in the last years. Eren understood why I had felt this way and I was glad that I didn’t have to explain it again.

“The one under it, the infinity symbol is for Hanji and Erwin. They both have the same and we made it at one day together. ” The lemniscate had Hanji’s and Erwin’s name above it and mine beneath and it wasn’t a really big tattoo. However, it reminded me every time saw it how important eyebrows and shitty glasses were to me.

“And this one?”, Eren asked as he trailed along the lines of the one close to my heart.

“It’s for Petra”, I said and Eren hand jerked away.

“Oh… I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok. I just needed something for her and this is the result.”

The boy next to me moved closer to me, then put his arms around my waist to pull me towards him and his head to my chest.

“Isn’t that depressing? To see it everyday?”, he asked quietly. I pet his hair while I was thinking of an answer.

“I think… no… not really. It’s been years ago. And the tattoo is not to mourn. It’s for remembering her. Come on, Eren, don’t get sad and all that shit now that early in the morning. I’m okay now. I have you after all, you idiot.”

Eren made a cute noise and nuzzles his face more into my chest to hide but it was useless. I could see the red tips of his ears.

We had about twenty minutes left until we had to stand up. In all the hectic, I wouldn’t have much time left to enjoy together with Eren before he had to get back to his home and then to school. I didn’t want him to have his mind filled with dark clouds. He tended to do this shit and didn’t know what to do with it in the end.

“Hey, come here”, I whispered and lifted his head carefully. He looked away but thankfully it was because he was somewhat embarrassed and not because of dark thoughts. When I kissed his cheek, he finally looked at me again.

“Do you think 20 minutes are enough?”, I asked with an husky voice and Eren raised confused but interested his eyebrow.

“For what?”

“For this”

I climbed on top of Eren and lowered my head instantly to kiss his cheek, chin and then lick down to his collarbones, sucking there before kissing down his chest.

Eren squirmed under me at the sudden change, gripping my shoulders to throw me off or something but after a second, he dug his fingers deeper into my skin as he let out a moan. He kept moving around like I was tickling him but instead of giggling, I heard his hitched breath or a low sound in his throat. If there was something I had learned about Eren’s preferences, then it was that he loved it when I licked over parts of his body or sucked at his skin.

His dark green, with lust filled eyes were locked with mine the whole time I was torturing his body, wriggling every time I found a particular sensitive spot.

“Fuck, Levi”, he moaned and pulled me up again. I was curious what he had planned since I never allow him to kiss me on the mouth before he had brushed his teeth. But Eren didn’t even aim for my mouth, he went to my shoulder. And bit down.

I let out a shaky breathe and arched my back as I made no move to pull away. I didn’t even realize the pain at first but agonizing pleasure that ripped through my whole body. For a moment, I feared that my arms wouldn’t hold me up anymore. Before that could happen, Eren let off my shoulder and looked at it – what probably was a bitemark – with a triumphal smirk.

“God, Eren…”, I groaned and he kept grinning, “you’re going to kill me one day…”

“In a good way or a bad wa.. ah…”, he began but trailed off when I sucked at his neck.

“Only in a good way”, I breathed. Eren shuddered, then reached down to my shorts but waited until I gave him a nod as permission. The sleepy Eren I had only a few minutes ago was long gone and replaced by an eager and horny Eren. I didn’t mind the cute one at all but I enjoyed seeing him like this a lot. I liked his attempts to be in control of the situation and I let him.

Eren slid his hands under my shorts, squeezing my ass with both hands before he did so. The triumphal smirk that was still on his face from before became slyer as he watched my reactions.

“You’re such a teasing little fuck, you know that?” Eren suddenly pushed himself up that I kneeled over his legs and we were on eyelevel and kissed me passionately, pushing his tongue between my lips and moved his mouth against mine, licking over the two piercings under my lip.

“You always act like you’re complaining about it but I think you actually like it more than you want to admit”, Eren whispered huskily. He brushed his fingers over the bitemark on my neck before he let them wander downwards, rolling the balls of the two piercings at my collarbones between his fingers, brushing only so slightly over my nipples that it made me shiver, over my stomach and finally put his hand around my cock. Rubbing only the tip with his thumb, then began to jerk me off.

I couldn’t say who was moaning and breathing harshly more. Eren didn’t even touch himself but he was all worked up breathing and pressing his teeth against my neck; he could bite me whenever he wanted but kept me on the edge.

It didn’t take long until Eren shoved down his underwear – the ugly eye cancer triggering yellow-blue boxers I decided to ignore for now - to jerk off himself and me at the same time and shortly after that Eren came with a cry. When I already thought that I’d have to finish myself, his hand began to move again and was soon covered in white as I chocked back a moan.

“mhh… love you”, Eren mumbled, back to half-asleep. He kissed the neck and looked apologetically at the probably dark red mark.

“If you’re going to say sorry, it’s too late for that. Thank you for making me wear a scarf all week” Hanji would know what had happened anyway, although I couldn’t care less at that moment.

As I reached towards the tissue box on the nightstand, caught a glimpse of the alarm.

“Fuck, Eren, get up, we’re late!”

Breakfast was nearly completely skipped, Eren toasted two poptards we ate on the drive to his house. I had found a black scarf somewhere in the depts of my armoire to hide the bitemark Eren had left on my neck.

Luckily, everyone else had already left and Eren ran through the house in order to find his school stuff and clothes. I couldn’t stop teasing him about being an unorganized brat, he flipped me a bird and told me that maybe I should become housewife to have more time for cleaning. Well, maybe he should stop littering his room.

We kind of continued to shout at each other until Eren had everything and changed and we could leave again. Being in the Jäger house was still an uncomfortable topic for me. Although we knew that Grisha wasn’t at home, I couldn’t stop being paranoid. So it was no wonder I let out a relieved sigh when Eren had closed the front door and we were back in my car.

“Now I just have to get rid of you, how late are we already?”, I muttered. A look on Eren’s phone told me that it was only about ten minutes, Eren should find an fitting excuse for that.

“I want--- have to tell them.”, the boy next to me blurted out suddenly.

“Oi, are you still dreaming or something? What do you want to tell who?” I looked at him confused because I had honestly no idea what he was talking about. He fidgeted with his fingers and was already about to bite his hand but I put my hands above his and looked in his eyes briefly before I turned them back on the road. With that, he opened his mouth again.

“I… I want to tell Mikasa and Armin that we’re going to Stohess and if they want to come with us… a---and I want to tell them that you’re my adopted brother”, he explained before he added: “And I have to tell Dad before I leave”

I didn’t care for the first part of what he said. Hell, I don’t even think I progressed it at all. All that I heard was that I was going to tell Grisha. That he had wanted to risk it and surely will be thrown out just like I was. That he wanted to do exactly what we had tried to avoid as good as possible, even with Carla’s help. I would have to meet him again because I wasn’t going to let Eren go into hell alone.

I cursed as I realized that I was still driving and parked the car sloppily at the side of the road.

“Eren, are you sure? You are aware what that will mean for you. He won’t just accept it and leave you alone.”

“I know”, he hissed angrily with gritted teeth, “I know that he won’t accept me. I am aware of that and everything comes with it. But this is already the limbo to me! I am afraid that my or Mikasa’s or even Mum’s tongue slips and he finds it out himself. I’m already dragging both of them into this and I’m more than glad that they support us but this isn’t living for me. This is hard and tiring for me and you. I’ve seen how uncomfortable you’re when we’re at my house. And what am I supposed to say when I’m leaving for over one week with people he thinks that he doesn’t know at all. That it’s a schooltrip?”

Eren closed his eyes and took a deep breath, uncurling his trembling fists before he opened them again to look at me pleadingly. “I’ve been thinking about his last night and this morning… Shortly before going to Stohess. I will be gone for ten days, enough time for my father to process the situation and do with it whatever he wants. If we turn it subtly, we can even pretend that Mum didn’t know about anything. I could work out… but I can’t do it alone.”

“I don’t like that at all”, I muttered and Eren nodded weakly.

“I… I know”, he said, his voice was trembling, “But I don’t see another way… I---I---”

I reached over to him to take his hands as all of it broke down over Eren. It was too much for him, for both of us. His tears flowed down freely, his shoulders were trembling.

“I can’t do it anymore”, he whispered. And I felt so weak. It felt like I wasn’t able to do anything, that I couldn’t keep him save from this hate. But reality is hard.

When Eren needed both his hands to wipe his nose, I called Carla.

“Hello?”

“It’s Levi. Sorry for calling. Eren’s not feeling well today, can you call the school?”

“Has something happened? Is Eren alright?”

“Don’t worry, it’s… it’s nothing grave but I think it’s better when he doesn’t go to school today. I’ll bring him over to his home later”, I explained. I hoped that she would just do it already because Eren would be late anyway and I didn’t want to play ten questions on how her son was doing…

“Hasn’t school already started?”

“I know, but could you do it? Please?”

“Alright, I trust you. Take care of Eren.”

Finally. I said goodbye, shoved the phone back into my pocket and started the engine.

“We’re driving back to my place, ok?” Eren just nodded but apart from quiet sobbing, he stayed silent.

When we reached the apartment complex, I was glad that no noisy neighbor was on the corridors because I had no fucking nerve left to deal with any of them. The whole drive and the walk up to my apartment had been quiet but Eren had reached out for my hand and had only let off it when we had left the car. He needed me so much that I didn’t even know how to deal with it. Like in the hospital when had broken down because of me a few months ago. And in some aspects… he was crying because of me again.

He would tell me again and again that I wasn’t guilty at all but I couldn’t help but feel this way.

We let the jackets and the boots at the entrance and walked wordlessly to the bedroom where Eren crawled under the covers and I joined him, holding him close to me. He was still crying, burying his face into my chest and clinging onto my shirt as if his life was depending on it.

“It’ll be alright, Eren”, I whispered, patting his head although I guessed that I was no big help at all. The boy shook his head.

“I don’t know… I don’t know if it’s going to be alright. Everything is just crumbling down and I don’t know what’s to do. I--- I feel so helpless . I feel so weak I can’t stand it anymore because I can’t win, I can’t get back control like this!” Eren was shouting, really loud that it actually hurt physically and not only mentally to hear this words.

It’s just like me. The same situation I faced back then. The same fears. And even now I didn’t know how to deal with it. I wasn’t Erwin. He had talked all these stupid ideas out of my head with words I can’t remember, he had known how to soothe the pain a least a bit. I had never been good in dealing with people and soothing other people’s pain was too fucking difficult.

So I held Eren and kept whispering in his ear that he wasn’t weak. That it wasn’t hopeless. That it was going to be alright although I wasn’t sure myself. But that was what he needed to hear. Until he stopped crying and he breathing became even.

“You’re alright again, Bright Eyes?” He nodded and it took an heavy weight off my shoulders.

“I’m sorry.”

“Tch, for what?”

“For this, the shouting and… For crying again like in the hospital. You must think that I’m crybaby…”

“Stop sprawling shit”, I muttered, ruffling his hair, “I’ve known you for a few years now, I already know that you’re built close to the water. Ouch…” Eren kicked my shin in response. It hurt a bit but at least I knew that he was doing better again.

“If you let me go for a moment, I can bring a damp cloth from the bathroom to wipe off your face. You eyeliner is completely smeared”, he looked at me confused and that look changed into surprised when he whipped his cheeks with the back of his hand and the hand turned black.

“Oh…”, he muttered.

“Yes, ‘oh’. Trying to clean it with your hand won’t do shit. Come on, let me get up.”

Eren uncurled his other hand from my shirt to let me stand up. When I came back with the cloth, he was sitting on the bed with his mobile in his lap. He looked up at me with red and smeared black framed eyes. The fact that he had nearly cried his eyes out wasn’t possible to hide at all.

I began to wash away the catastrophe when Eren spoke up.

“Mikasa and Armin just send me a message. They are concerned because I’m not at school today. I told them that I was not feeling well and stayed at your place. They want to come over after school to give me the exercises and homework, Mikasa doesn’t like it when I’m slacking off. Is that ok for you?”

I sat down behind him to let him sit between my legs. He leaned into the touch instantly, making a content noise as he was waiting for me to answer.

“Don’t you think you should get home? I don’t mind them being here but wouldn’t it be easier for the---“

“I don’t want to go home.” Eren’s whisper was low but it kind of surprised me. I hadn’t expected him to react that harshly.

“I can call Mum and tell her that I’m doing fine again and I’ll come this evening. But I don’t want to go now, Levi. I feel uneasy there. Please let me stay a bit longer.”

I answered him with pulling him closer and nuzzling his neck with my nose. I would always let him stay longer, if it was possible I would never let him go.

And I hoped that he knew that.

* * *

 

“What did you do with Eren?” She definitely tried to kill me with her stare but I’m sorry, this shit doesn’t work on me.

“He did nothing. So calm down, Mikasa”, Eren tried to explain but that helped nothing. I hated to deal with little kiddos. And Mikasa’s kind was the worst.

“You heard your little brother, I did nothing. Now calm the fuck down”, I sighed. The stare-contest between us was only broken by Armin’s coughing.

“Mikasa, we came here to bring Eren’s homework, not to find someone who is guilty for Eren’s state. Could you please…”

Mikasa made an annoyed noise but turned towards her precious brother, putting her hand on his forehead.

“Eren, what’s going on? You’re not sick, are you? It’s the injuries? Where did you get the injuries from?”

“I’m not sick, don’t worry. And the few scratches are nothing dramatic. But I’m glad you came because I have to… we have to ask and tell you something.”

We had sat down in the living room that hat only enough space for the four of us. I had brought one of the chairs from the kitchen to have a place for Armin to sit on. Mikasa had insisted on sitting next to Eren on the couch. You could see that she wasn’t happy with the fact that Eren leaned against me and not her but she would have to learn to deal with it. I understood her, yes. He was her family. But I couldn’t forget that Eren was my family, too.

And that was what this meeting would be about.

Before Mikasa could create horror scenarios in her head, Eren spoke up again: “The first thing is: Levi’s friend is going to marry around Christmas, the ceremony will be in Stohess were his partner comes from. They invited me, too, but since I don’t know any of their friends, he proposed that I could bring you two along. What do you think of that”

To my surprise was it Armin who made a decicion. “I really don’t want to be a bad friend, Eren, and I really appreciate your invitation but I think you should go there with Levi alone. Mikasa and I, we only know you. No offence, Levi. However, we would stick to you the whole day and I think going on vacations with your boyfriend and enjoy it. You don’t get to Stohess that often, have some fun.”

Eren smiled at Armin and I gave him a nod. Armin’s approval meant probably a lot to Eren since they were best friends and he could always relay on the blonde’s judgement.

Mikasa on the other hand looked at us like we told her that she was ugly as fuck and I had tried to hurt her little brother on purpose. The gloomy aura around her was dangerous, I started to realize what other people saw when I was in a bad mood.

“How long?”, she asked.

“10 days, I won’t be home for Christmas.”

“It’s dangerous.”

“It’s not. Erwin has booked a nice hotel for us and takes care of everything. We’re not going into the wilderness”, the boy next to me explained.

When Eren had mentioned Erwin, a Armin’s eyes widened. “Erwin? You don’t mean Erwin Smith. The Erwin Smith?”

Before Mikasa could keep complaining or ask what connection we had towards Erwin Smith, Eren was the one to blurt out a stupid “how do you know?” first.

Armin rubbed the back of his nose with an embarrassed smile. “I read the newspapers so the name Erwin Smith isn’t unfamiliar to me. And uhh… I went to a card game afternoon with grandpa where the women were talking about the latest gossip. And apparently there was a magazine that had found out something about Smith’s marriage in winter… so I just guessed.”

“Since when are you interested in gossip?”, Eren teased and Armin became bright red.

“I’m not! I--- I just heard it. But… I was right?”

The aura around Mikasa became even darker.

“How does a midget like you have connections to the high society? And why does he invite Eren as well as Armin and me to his marriage?”, she asked.

“Did you expect me to hang out with the scum on the street all the time? I’ve known Erwin before he became big in business. To be accurate, he’s my ex-boyfriend.”

The look in their face was priceless; Mikasa was so shocked that the gloom around her disappeared for a second. Even Eren giggled before he became serious again, more serious than before.

“That’s… the second reason I wanted to talk to you again. I actually meet Erwin already before I started dating Levi” He squeezed my hand and I squeezed back.

 _I am here_.

“Because I’ve even known Levi before I met him at the concert. Mikasa, before Mum and Dad adopted you, they had adopted Levi. He’s kind of my adoptive brother.”

They both stared at Eren. Stared like he just told them something unbelievable… like that Eren and I are related – even if not by blood.

“You’re kidding, Eren…”, Mikasa whispered, looking to Eren then to me and back, “Why should our parents adopt somebody but never mention it. I’ve never heard of a Levi before. Why are you lying to us, Eren”

“I’m telling you the truth. Though Levi was only living one year with us. Then he was thrown out because... because he’s gay just like I am”, explained Eren. His words came out unevenly like he was trying to put thoughts in his mind together but it all just ended in a huge clusterfuck.

“Mum and Dad would never do that! They would never throw out their son because of something so unimportant” Mikasa was trying to find a logical solution for this, although I don’t think that she’d believe that Eren was lying to her. It had taken a fucking long time for Eren and me to realize it and to deal with this fact but it was even worse for an actual bystander like Mikasa. She hadn’t been there when all of this had happened and was dragged into it anyway.

“Carla would never do this, you’re right in this point. But that asshole of husband? You’ve known him for about ten years yourself and still you think that he wouldn’t be able to do something so shitty like this?”

“Don’t you dare to talk about my family like this!”, she suddenly shouted, stood up and stomped out of my apartment. We were too dumbstruck by Mikasa’s reaction that none of us moved until the front door was slammed shut.

“Ohh fuck”, Eren muttered and dashed past me and Armin to follow Mikasa. I hoped that this idiot wouldn’t fuck up. He was the only one to speak on the same level as his sister to reach her and change her mind.

“Uhh…”, a voice said. I had looked towards the entrance but instantly turned my head to find the source of noise. Right, the blonde mushroom was still there.

“You’re not going to run after them?”

Armin shrugged and gave me a shy smile. “Mikasa and Eren better settle things themselves. If somebody can convince Mikasa, it’s him. But to be honest… it sounds more than just crazy to me.”

“Yeah… wouldn’t believe it myself if it hadn’t happened to me”, I said, looking back to the door. Since Eren wasn’t on the sofa anymore, I had enough space to stretch my legs on it.

“So it’s true? You’re Eren’s adoptive brother?”, Armin asked.

“If you want to call it like that. As Eren said, I lived one year with the Jägers, Grisha threw me out after he found out about my relationship with Erwin.” I decided to go a step further since Armin seemed to understand the outlines of our situation. “The thing is, Eren doesn’t want to hide anymore that he and I are together. However, if we break it to his family, it’s more than likely that fucking Grisha will just do the same thing. We need your support, especially Mikasa’s.”

“You probably want to do it before Stohess, right?”, Armin guessed and I nodded. “You’re aware that it’s quite a lot to process right now?”

I shrugged. I knew how much that was, thank you. It’s not like I wasn’t in this situation before.

The blonde boy breathed in and out again, then looked at me.

“You have my support, if that’s what you want to know though I don’t know how I can help. I hope Mikasa’ll come back soon.”

We didn’t speak till Eren and Mikasa came back half an hour later, both of us were staring into distance, dealing with our own thoughts and were startled by the noise of the door closing. Apparently Eren hadn’t even bother to close it when he had run after his sister.

“I can’t handle this right now. That you’ve lived with Eren and what happened to you”, Mikasa spoke up, not looking to any of us, “it’s too much and it’s hard to believe. But Eren told me that you want to tell Da-Grisha about it. I understand it and you have my full support. Please give me some time to deal with it anyway. I would like to go home now. Eren, will you come with me?”

Eren looked lost from me to Mikasa and back, I could see in his eyes that he didn’t want to leave at all but would feel bad if his sister left without him, especially now.

“It’s alright, Eren. Somebody has to some things for school anyway, right?” I poked him with my toes in his rips. Had I ever mentioned that Eren looked cute when he pouted? I probably did but the hurt expression he gave me was just beautiful.

“And if that somebody doesn’t want to fucking do it?”, Eren returned.

“Oh, I think your sister would be more than happy to assist me with forcing you to do it.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Noticed, you idiot.”

Armin and Mikasa followed our conversation with disbelief. What had they expected? That we would be all lovey-dovey around each other?

Then Armin suddenly laughed. “I now understand where you’re bad language comes from, Eren. There’s no way denying it.”

Even Mikasa smiled a bit although I couldn’t say if she was just smiling about the assassination plans concerning me. The thing with the bad influence.

“We’ll wait at my car, it’s right in front of the apartment.” Eren nodded and brought the two other teens to the door before he came back to the living room, finding a comfortable position to lay on me.

“I don’t want to leave”, Eren mumbled into my chest. I put my arms around his shoulders and combed through his hair with my fingers.

“Don’t be so cheesy. But yeah… would be nice if you could stay longer.” Eren looked up with his bright smile and bright eyes and an overwhelming feeling blubbered up in my chest. When had I become so attached to this boy and started to depend on him. I needed him so much in my life. There was one big step left, then - and I was sure about it – Eren could finally become who he wants to be and he could be happy. I hoped that we would do this last step together.

“You’re staring Levi”, Eren noticed but I decided to ignore it and pull him up to kiss him. Maybe I’d see him tomorrow again, maybe the day after tomorrow but it would feel like much longer. It was horrible to be in love with the one person so much.

“The others are waiting”, I whispered against Eren’s slightly chapped lips. He probably smiled as he dived in again, then leaned down further to leave an apologetic kiss on the still wonderful visible hickey.

We didn’t want to stop, not now. Then Eren’s phone in his pocket chimed and the spell was broken. Well, not broken, I guessed, more like interrupted.

From: Sis  
[15:31] We’ve been waiting for 10 minutes now.

“Uh… I think they getting inpatient”, Eren concluded.

“Clever boy. Now get up or they will drive home without you” Eren reluctantly got up with an annoyed groan, but stood up nevertheless. We were probably both still waiting for a wonder that Eren could stay here. However, this wonder wouldn’t come that easily.

“We’ll talk later?”, the boy asked as he walked to the door.

“When you’ve finished you’re school stuff, yes” Teasing Eren about school was fun, especially because he return any stupid comment.

Eren had crouched down to tie his shoes but paused to flip me the bird.

“Asshole”

“Mhmh.”

We kissed a last time before his phone vibrated again, definitely Mikasa to tell him that it’s been 15 minutes already and Eren left with an apologetic smile.

The apartment was so silent without him. I put a CD in the player to have some background noise and it was drowning the dark thoughts that appeared in my mind. It was going to be alright. Just a bit longer.

I hoped that Eren would finish homework soon and even if not, I wouldn’t care as long as I could hear his voice.


	22. Dear Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time has come, Eren is finally telling his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Looks at comments, bookmarks, views and kudos recieved for the last chapter* *smiles at you happily* Thank you guys, you are the best! I'm still doing my best to complete Dear Ex-Brother until New Year (and it seems like I can do it!)
> 
> I'm sorry for all the angst ._.

November went over in a flash. Sure, there hadn’t been much left of it after Mikasa and Armin had visited me but it went over fast anyway. Eren and I met as often as possible. Apart from school, he was writing his motivation letters to a few kindergartens in the city and around, hoping that he would get a place for training before the year ended. He was whining about how exhausting writing these documents was but it became less frequent when he understood that I would kick his ass to make him write them. He hadn’t had any luck yet but I would not stop pestering him until he would get a positive answer. I was turning into Hanji…

Speaking of Hanji and the rest of the chaos, I was still interrogated everyday about my love life and I answered Hanji just as often to go fuck themselves. And by the way, Marco was still completely in love with that horseface and even Annie, who didn’t bother to open her mouth if she didn’t have to asked them if we were invited to their wedding.

I had gotten my tattoo in the meantime. As I had planned it, a compass with its green needle towards the E. As much as I had tried to convince Mike to make Eren a tattoo without the consent of his parents, he denied every time. I could understand him though. But it was not like Eren was a stupid teen who would want a pink heart on his ass. … on a second thought, maybe we should really wait until Eren was 18.

One night, when he was sleeping at my place, half-asleep-Eren muttered something wanting a compass with the needle towards the L. I explained that there was no cardinal direction beginning with an L and he should sleep. But I it made my chest feeling tight with a pleasant, loved feeling.

The first half of December went over in a flash. Eren had to do a lot for school and we couldn’t see each other as often as before since he had to meet with his friends to learn for real. Or he would come over to my place to learn there, he said that he felt more comfortable and could study better when he was with me.

The good news was that two kindergartens had written an answer and he was called to an interview. They would be in January but Eren was stupidly excited for at least one week. To make it clear what I mean with “stupidly excited”: He nearly squeezed me to death when he had received the letter. He told Carla about it and – although I hadn’t been there – I could imagine the proud smile of her.

Carla was doing well, same for Mikasa. Eren and I had met with them at a café (not Hanji’s madhouse, I wasn’t suicidal) to discuss the topic Grisha. Eren’s Mum had been close to tears and could barely hold them back. She knew what was going to happen, it wasn’t like she had never experienced it before. She said that she would support us and would be there during the talk; I hoped that nothing would happen to her.

Hanji, Erwin and Mike dragged Jean, Marco, Armin, Mikasa, Eren and me to every single fucking Christmas market they found. Since nothing had changed about my hate towards Christmas, I went there reluctantly, hoping that Eren would share my feelings after five fairs that were full of humans, it was cold, it was loud and there were humans. And… have I mentioned the humans yet? However, Eren was already in the mood for Christmas and even went to a sixth market. So while the other idiots were running around and bought all the trash you could get there, Mikasa, Jean and I followed them with enough space between us since none of us wanted be seen with them. I could have stayed at home, Eren would have understood it but he smiled all the time and was happy, you wouldn’t think that this boy was going to have the most difficult conversation with his father in his whole life in only a few days. But Eren’s good mood and smile was infectious, seeing him like this was precious to me. Whenever he noticed that we three were too far behind the rest, he stopped and waited for us, smiling at me until I was close enough to take my hand.

December 19th.

Eren hadn’t been to school. He had been feeling sick all morning and I doubted that he slept at all. To be honest, I hadn’t slept much either. We had probably spent the whole night in silence, cuddled up against each other and hoped that the other one didn’t notice how we felt.

Anxious, scared, angry. Those were the main emotions we had, I could see it in Eren’s bloodshot eyes when he looked at me in the morning, the smile on his face nevertheless.

“How are you feeling?”, I asked Eren on the way to the Jäger house around midday.

“… Like shit”, he muttered, squeezing my hand on the gearstick a bit tighter. It was a plea not to go back to his house but we had to do it. There was no use to hide it any longer. I wanted to flee from here as well. Somewhere, out of the country, out of the city, even Stohess would be enough. After this talk.

Carla had told us that fortunately Grisha would be home early today, Friday evening when he didn’t have to work that long. To have time for his family and have dinner with them. A family that feared him, maybe break because of him.

“We can do it, Eren” He nodded but said nothing. I would be just the same if I had to tell my father all these things. Maybe I had been lucky that Grisha found out by himself back then and my “real father” had never given a flying fuck about me. However, I was just as fraught as Eren.

It would be ok.

Carla was waiting for us when we reached Eren’s house, opening the door and hugging Eren first with a concerned smile, then, after a second of hestitation, me. Her eyes were screaming apologies, telling us how bad she was feeling for putting us in this situation. It hadn’t been her fault. Eren and I were aware of that and her feelings of guilt.

“I would have made you something to eat for lunch but I think that you don’t want to have anything right now…”, she said. My Bright Eyes looked like he was going to throw up anyway, pale and all, so food was the least appealing option right now.

“… we’re fine… will be up in my room, packing bags….”, Eren muttered, head down, then took my hand to lead me up to the room as soon as we had taken off our shoes and jackets.

Eren was wearing the clothes we had bought for him together: red-black pants, ripped shirt, boots. When I had discussed the plans for today, he had insisted to wear them. I knew that he felt more comfortable with them but he explained to me that he wanted his father to see him, not the small, stupid boy Grisha apparently still saw in Eren. The “new Eren” who wasn’t at his father’s beck and call.

Eren had grown up so much. I don’t mean the ten years in between, no, I mean the few months and I couldn’t be prouder.

A suitcase was standing in front of Eren’s door. We had decided that Eren wouldn’t just pack for ten days but for some time longer, depending on where he wanted to stay afterwards. This was something I hadn’t talked about yet. I wished that he would stay with me, no matter how this conversation tonight would end but Eren had to decide, maybe he would stay with his friends. I didn’t know and I hadn’t had the nerve to think about it yet.

I laid on Eren’s bed and watched him packing his bag since I had nothing else to do. Additional, the bed was hopefully the only place where I was safe from the chaos around me while Eren was sitting in front of his armoire to pick clothes.

“Don’t forget thick clothes. It’s cold as balls up there” The silence was starting to kill me. The boy seemed to be glad that I was talking to him, the stupid smile only told me that a even more stupid reply awaited me.

“Yes, Mum. I wear my hat and my gloves and my scarf and I won’t be outside longer than necessary”, grin.

“As far as I remember, you were the one who was sick on Christmas because gloves are “so uncool””

He stuck out his tongue and reached out his arm to smack me but missed because of the distance and could barely hold himself from falling face first on the floor. I really didn’t want to laugh at him but snorted anyway.

“Shut up. And it was one time, okay? One time that I didn’t wear the gloves. It’s not my fault that I got sick that one time…”, he complained but grinned. He wasn’t actually annoyed, it was easy to know how to get Eren to the point I wanted him to be.

“Whatever, but the fact is that you were sick. Now be a good boy and pack warm stuff. I’m not going to nurse you.”

“Oh you would. I know you.”

“Where do you get that thinking from.”

“Intuition. Anyway… uh… you know… should I take the … condoms and lube, too?”

Well, that was unexpected.

“I mean, I don’t want to pressure you into.. _doing it_ but when we’re in our hotel room where nobody is bothering us… And just to be on the save side”, he rambled on. It was cute. To see how he tried to explain why he needed that stuff although he wasn’t thinking about sex.

“God, Eren, you make it sound like it’s something horrible illegal. Put them into your bag.” I got off the bed to sit next to Eren, leaning so close to his ear that my lips brushed against the shell and whispered that only he would hear it, nobody else. “I can’t wait to make you moan in pleasure so loud that the whole hotel will be wide awake. We’ll put Erwin and Mike in their bridal night into shame when we’re _doing it_.”

A low sound rumbled in Eren’s throat and he blushed but an expected snarky answer didn’t come.

“Sorry, Levi… but I can’t think of something right now… there’s too much on my mind.”

“It’s okay”, I reassured him. I took the hand that was still hovering over the suitcase and kissed its knuckles, then kissed Eren’s temple and his cheek. “I love you, Bright Eyes”

“I love you, too”, Eren whispered, turning his head to give me a chaste kiss on the lips. “Let’s get over with this and get out of here.”

Time passed agonizing slowly. It was like somebody glued the arms of the clock on the ground or taken out its batteries. Whatever it was, it was shit.

After we had brought the packed suitcase and our jackets to my car where my bag was already waiting, we sat in the living room together with Carla who tried to lighten the mood with some conversation but the elephant in the room was so fat by now, it was hard to breath. I hadn’t seen Mikasa all day, she was probably in the university, but she had sent Eren and even me a few messages that she wished us good luck. We would definitely need this.

“Carla, when Grisha is asking you if you have known about any of this, you don’t have to say the truth. It’s better if he doesn’t know that we’ve been in cahoots together. Same goes for Mikasa. We don’t want to cause more problems”, I explained. She nodded but seemed to be up in her thoughts again. In her hands she was holding an half-full coffee cup that had to be cold by now.

Eren snuggled closer to me. He had been sitting on the other side of the sofa at the beginning – mostly because he didn’t want to make his Mum feeling uncomfortable – but came closer with ever passing second.

_The sound of a door being opened._

I think my heart stopped for a second and Erens whole body twitched.

_The noise of a jacket being taken off. Footsteps towards the living room._

Carla set down her cup and Eren scooted a bit away from me. Only so far that I could still feel the heat radiating from his body.

“I’m home”, came a male voice from outside the living room door. I hadn’t heard it for about ten years but it still made my skin crawl.

The door was being opened and a man stepped in, in his 50s, his hair had gotten grayer and there were more wrinkles in his face. But everything else was the same, there was no way denying it. Grisha Jäger, the man who had thrown me out, who was the biological father of my boyfriend and – at least in the papers – my father as well.

Right now, I despised him more than anything else on this world.

“Who are you?”, he asked me.

I made an annoyed noise and my death glare was on him, creating the gloomy aura around me. “It’s been a few years, haven’t it, Grisha Jäger. You probably erased me from your memory like you tried with everyone else”, I hissed.

He stared at me, then opened his mouth to tell my that he didn’t know me… when the words stuck in his throat. He had remembered me.

“Rivaille?”, he asked, confused like he was seeing a ghost but he realized that I was real and was sitting in his house together with his son and his wife.

“What are you doing here? I told you to get away from my family! Just because some years passed by, it doesn’t mean that you’re welcomed here. Get out!”, he snarled, yet he tried to keep an polite tone what he didn’t accomplish at all. Behind the stoic face, there was more rage hidden than I could have imagined.

“Oh well, same goes for you. I haven’t forgotten what you’ve done to me. And I will never forgive you what Eren had to go through because you’re a narrow-minded fuc--”

“It’s enough!”, he shouted, “you don’t come to my home and insult me in front of my family!”

“But it’s okay to insult and hit me in front of your seven year old son and forcing him to believe that I never existed?”

I wanted to hit him. I wanted to hit him so badly, forcing him to apologize to Eren, Mikasa and Carla for all the shit he had done. Making him feel what we must have felt for ten years long.

I put my hands on both sides of my legs to push me up from the sofa and get over to him and give him a piece of my mind… but Eren put my hands on my shoulder to push me down again and stared at his father determined.

It seemed that just now he noticed Eren and Carla in the room.

“Carla, what’s going on, why is he---”

“It’s because of me”, Eren spoke up with a steady voice, “I still can’t understand why you were denying Levi’s existence so much, making me go through all that trouble but here we are. This is the only time I will try to explain it to you and give you the chance to tell me what you think about it. This time because everything else will be stupid and no good. So…” Eren took a deep breathe, still not moving his hand from my shoulder.

“I’m gay and Levi is my boyfriend. I love him and there’s no way you can change that, no matter what you do. Y-you can’t force me to leave him. I have lost him as a brother once. Because of you.”

Grisha was speechless. He looked to me – the matured and punk version of a person he had tried to erase from his mind – to Eren – who had changed, even Grisha noticed it, who looked different, who acted different – to his wife – who sat silently on the armchair but didn’t seem to be upset or anything about Eren’s little speech.

“Did you know about this?”, he asked her, and Eren and Carla opened her mouth in the same second.

“She didn’t know any---“

“I’ve known about this, yes.”

Now it was Eren and my time to be speechless. All the things we had planned, all the lies we had prepared to have Carla save shattered like glass.

“Mum, you didn’t…”

“I don’t want to deny it. I’m sorry, Eren, Levi. Let me tell you, Grisha, when Eren had reintroduced Levi to me, it opened my eyes. No matter what would happen, I will not allow anyone to hurt my youngest child the same way my eldest child was hurt. Including you.”

Hearing her calling me her “eldest child” turned an old switch in my head again, little by little. I remembered how the same feeling had overcome me when fucking Grisha had told me that I wasn’t his son anymore. Eren had been trying to put that switch back into its old position and Carla’s words finally did the work.

She had never given me up and I felt so guilty for going away without looking back. I shouldn’t feel guilty about this, it was the fault of this man who was standing in front of us.

A “Mum” lay on my tongue but I swallowed it down fast enough.

“How can you call this… this fag your son? What he had done is unforgivable.”

“He loved another man! I had been shocked back then but I now know that there’s nothing wrong with this”, Eren’s Mum said. Her voice was loud, trembling and the tears she had held back were now falling from her eyes. I wanted to go over to her and tell her that everything is alright but Eren needed me here, “and look at Eren. I’ve seen him and Levi together and he’s happy, Grisha. Why don’t you understand this?”

“How can you say that there’s nothing wrong with it? He’s no better than Rivaille.”

“At least he’s not a fucking narrow-minded piece of shit like you”, I pressed out between my gritted teeth. Nobody was going to hurt my Eren.

Grisha took a step forward and pulled me up at my collar to bring me on eyelevel with him. Eren grabbed the hem of my shirt desperately but couldn’t hold me down. It wasn’t necessary anyway because I had learned my lesson. It only took me a second to get his filthy fingers off my shirt and push him back.

“Eren, get into your room. We will deal with your behavior later. And change into other clothes. He made you do this, didn’t he?”

Eren stood up but didn’t even think about leaving the room without me any time soon.

“I’m not a little kid anymore”, he hissed, “And this is about me. You’re just taking out your rage on Levi to avoid me. Why are you not calling me a fag and a disgrace? I’m not going anywhere, _Grisha_. ”

Grisha was obviously taken aback. That’s what happens when you miss your son growing up, I thought smirking.

“Eren, son, you don’t know what you’re saying…”, he tried but Eren just snorted.

“I already told you that I love Levi. You can’t change that. And that’s not all. I will not attend university. I have already sent motivation letters for a vocational training. Before you say anything, it’s my decision, not yours.

“That’s all I have to say, this conversation is over for me. Levi and I are on vacations until New Year, I give you that time to try to understand me. You don’t have to tell me to get out, I can do it by myself.”

With that, Eren took my hand. We walked past Grisha; he didn’t say anything, didn’t try to stop us but stared at the wall with a grim expression. Eren halted to give our Mum a kiss on the cheek and I hugged. We wouldn’t leave her behind. We had asked her to call a taxi as soon as it was over, Jean’s mother would expect her.

Through the door to the corridor. Past the wardrobe, we had put on shoes before.

Through the door in the night.

It had started snowing and it was fucking cold, especially because our jackets were in the trunk of my car. But we didn’t care. Eren held tight onto my hand and walked faster and faster as we both run to the car.

Suddenly, Eren started to laugh. It started as a breathy quiet huff but became louder with every step. He didn’t stop before he sat on the passenger side of my car and I in the driver seat.

“It’s over”, he whispered. His green big eyes were shining in the dark and the most honest smile was on his lips. He was so beautiful like this.

“Yeah, it’s over”, I whispered back, smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm the master of this story, I decide when it's over! (But I think we've overcome the worst.)  
> Let's go to Stohess!


	23. Dear Faraway Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the talk and the ride to Stohess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three more chapters left! *proud unicorn noises* It's working out fine so far.  
> You're wonderful readers, thank you for your feedback!!!
> 
> ... there's a little bit of angst left, I'm sorry. One last thing had to be explained.

We didn’t drive home immediately. Eren and I were still pumped with adrenaline and endorphins, going home seemed like the most boring idea ever. Instead, we drove out of the city, where the snow hadn’t melted away right after it had touched the asphalt. It wasn’t even late but the streets were empty. When we reached our destination, an abandoned parking close to the forest, we turned the stereo on full volume, put a blanket on the hood of my car and sat on it, the engine had warmed up enough to make it acceptable. Eren snuggled close to me, still smiling like he never had before and I never wanted to stop holding him again.

We felt invincible. We could run thousand miles and would never get tired.

It was an illusion of the moment but I enjoyed how it warmed my heart anyway. All the shit that had happened before. Forget it, we didn’t care about it anymore. Now was important.

We didn’t need to talk at all. On the other hand, it was difficult with the music so loud. We deserved it and nobody could stop us.

I couldn’t tell how long we had sat there but at one point, the adrenaline and other stuff stopped doing their trick and it became colder. Still invincible, but colder.

“Eren, do you want to go back? It’s getting cold”, I asked. Eren shrugged his shoulders.

“I’m not feeling that cold yet but I’m getting hungry. You’re having pizza or something like this in your fridge, right?”

We climbed back in the car to drive to my apartment. When I looked at the clock on the display, I was quite surprised. We had been sitting in the cold for about two hours and hadn’t even felt cold or any desire to go back.

Back in the warmth of my own small empire, I put two pizzas in the oven while Eren was sitting in the living room, looking through the TV program. He eventually convinced me to watch this sci-fi-fantasy-thing with him although it meant that we wouldn’t get to bed before midnight. Well, we had time to sleep in the train anyway.

Halfway through the sequel of the movie – that conveniently was shown right after the first part - , Eren rummaged through the freezer - because he was still hungry after his pizza and half of mine - until he found a pot of cookie dough ice cream I had bought for him some time ago and spent the rest of the movie with emptying the whole thing. I ascribed it to my good mood that I let Eren feed me with the actual cream, not the disgusting dough. Since I was rewarded with an ice-cold kiss on the cheek every time, I was able to stand it. If he was keeping it up, I would even start to like the taste.

It was about three a.m. until we had both showered and were ready to go to bed after the movie had ended. Although I knew Eren as somebody who got tired pretty early, the mix of too much sugar, the rest of the adrenaline and the anticipation for tomorrow kept him wide awake. We lay in the bed, I was spooning Eren but he kept moving the whole time. And I didn’t sleep much. I learned that I could survive with less sleep than usually necessary. But at three-something, sleep would be somewhere appreciated.

“God, Eren… do you have ants up your ass or why do you keep wriggling like that...”, I mumbled, face buried in Eren’s hair.

“I’m worried”, he admitted after a moment of silence. “Mum hasn’t sent me a message yet, I don’t know if she really went to Jean’s house and I wonder how Mikasa is doing. She said that she would stay a friend’s house but she hadn’t been there today, she hadn’t seen what happened. And tomorrow…”

“It’s ok, Eren”, I tried to calm him down. I pet his hair and used my other hand to stroke his arm gently. “Jean’s mother would have called us if Mum didn’t arrive, so she must be there. Maybe she went to bed right when she arrived. And tomorrow will be fine.”

Eren made a sound of approval, then took my hand that was on his arm and intertwined our fingers.

“There’s another thing. I haven’t asked you yet because… I don’t know… Can you tell me why you always get your pills from Hanji or Erwin. I understand that they are for your insomnia and the pain from your leg but I don’t get why they only give you the portion of one or two days. Levi, are you alright?”

I felt how my hand had started trembling when Eren opened the topic. I had known that this would come one day because it was strange after all.

I didn’t want to talk about it. I had thought that everything was alright now, but even this seemed to be an illusion now. Erwin had kind of warned me that Eren would ask or that we would talk about it one day. But this, this was not the “one day” I had expected. It was the middle of the goddamn fucking night, we had just had the worst coming out to that scum and I wasn’t prepared for this.

But Eren deserved to know after all of this. The other shit was flushed down the toilet, I hadn’t thought that I had to face new one that soon.

I would start to ramble; just like when I was complaining about life towards Erwin but my Bright Eyes would have to deal with it. I gripped his hand and hoped that he wouldn’t turn around, with his eyes on my, I couldn’t tell him all of this.

“I don’t really want to talk about this but… you won’t shut up until I do.” Eren clearly wanted to protest but I nuzzled his neck, I didn’t mean it like this.

“The thing is… I nearly killed myself with the medicine. And I was so stupid that I let it happen. Leaving Mum and you, I had been on the ground and was ready to dig even deeper because I had no energy to get up. Luckily, Hanji, Erwin and Petra had been there and had pulled me up until I could stand on my own again. Then Petra died and the accident happened and I was back where I had started. In addition to the pain from leaving you, I had the pain from the accident and Petra’s death. In addition to the pills for insomnia I had to take strong painkillers. I think I was abusing prescription drugs… I don’t know. Tried to numb all the pain all the time.

“That night, I took too much. I had luck that Eyebrows found me because he had left important documents in my apartment and wanted to pick them up after work, he has the key for the door. And I had even more luck that it wasn’t an addiction to this medicine yet nor was I suicidal. However, to prevent it, they don’t allow me to keep them in my apartment anymore although they start to trust me again and--- tch, I really made you cry again, didn’t I.”

Eren’s shoulders were trembling, just as much as my hands, and he was holding back his sobbing.

“It’s ok, Eren. Turn around.” He did it abruptly, buring his face into my bare chest and digging his fingers into the skin on my back.

“Why?!”, he shouted, “Why did you do it!”

“I don’t know”, I answered honest.

“You could have died!! I would have lost you completely!”, Eren cried. I was feeling the tears welling up in my eyes as well but I had cried about it so often that at least now, I had to hold it back.

“I know. But I didn’t and I’m grateful for it. If I had known that I would get as happy as I am now, I would have never thought about it.”

“I could have lost you!”, Eren kept shouting.

“You didn’t. I’m here, Eren, I’m here. I won’t go away. I love you.” I would keep this promise this time. No more running away from pain, insomnia or Grisha. I never wanted to leave my beloved Bright Eyes again.

Eren was still crying after some time, his fingers weren’t clawing into my skin anymore. I kept talking to him, that I was here with him, kissed his hair and forehead.

When he finally fell asleep, it gave me some time to breathe normally again. He hadn’t stormed out of the door and apartment or had asked me to leave the room – like he had when he first confessed to me and later when he had found out that I was his adoptive brother – so maybe I hadn’t fucked up as much as I had thought I would with this conversation.

* * *

 

I didn’t know what I had expected from Eren the next morning but he wasn’t very cranky when I woke him up. After three hours of sleep. What didn’t mean that he wanted to stand up freely.

“It’s cold without the blanket…”, he mumbled, half asleep.

“Get used to the cold, the train to Stohess departs in 2 hours”

“Why can’t I stay here for some longer?”

“Get dressed, shower and breakfast. The bathroom is already warm”, I tried to persuade him. If he didn’t get up soon, we wouldn’t only be late but joining Eren in bed again sounded actually like a great idea.

Eren slowly moved, he sat up, the blanket around his shoulders like a cape and looked me with big tired eyes. Something told me that he was thinking about something and it wasn’t hard to guess that the conversation of last night came back in his mind.

“I’m sorry”, he said simply. I nodded and turned towards the door to go to the kitchen and prepare breakfast, when Eren said something more. “A-and I’m grateful for you telling me this. I think I overreacted anyway but it frightened me when you said it. So… I think I’m alright again.”

I turned back to him and cupped his face in my hands. Leaning into the touch contently, Eren closed his eyes.

“Tch, I should be the one apologizing. I already told you, Jäger, I’m here and I won’t leave you.”

“Watch out, you’re becoming cheesy, old man”, Eren murmured grinning.

I ignored his comment about being cheesy and old as good as I could and left him sitting there on the bed. It was his own fault.

“Nooooo… don’t leave me. At least carry me to the bathroom, the floor isn’t lava, it’s ice!”, Eren shouted laughing. It was fun to ignore him right now, really.

Two hours later – Eren had finally left the bed, gotten dressed and eaten breakfast – the taxi driver Erwin had booked called us that he was waiting outside the building. The suitcases were put in the trunk and we were on our way to the station.

We received a message from Mum, she wrote that she had had a long discussion with the old man without coming to a conclusion, she had left after that and was now having breakfast with Jean’s mother, Jean and a – so she wrote – very polite and adorable young man named Marco. It wasn’t really hard to fall into the followership of freckled Jesus, she was no difference.

Eren showed the first signs of being sleep-deprived. Meant that he was close to falling asleep again, his eyes were closed half of the drive and the only fluttered open when the car stopped at traffic lights. The good thing about going to Stohess was that it would take about 5 hours to get there and Eren could sleep all the time. I just needed him awake for the way from the taxi to the train.

We somehow made it to the platform. I wished for a trolley-thing they have on airports to put my and Eren’s suitcase as well as Eren on it. Would have been faster but we had time. Hanji greeted us with an excited scream while nearly throwing us over with the force of their hug.

“Good morning, sweethearts! Oh my god, Eren darling… you look horrible. Did Levi keep you awake all night.”

“Hanji, first off, there are humans… don’t scream. Especially not at me. I didn’t keep Eren awake, I did not even keep him awake in the way you think I did. Morning Mike, Eyebrows.”

We five were going to be the first ones to arrive in Stohess. Two of Mikes and Erwin’s friends as well as Erwin’s parents wanted to follow a few days later since they had to work or were celebrating Christmas with their family. The wedding was at the 28th, the first week was for preparing it and for Eren, Hanji and me, it was Erwin’s Christmas present to go on holidays.

The train arrived about ten minutes later and as soon as we had sat down (First class in a separated part, do I even have to mention?) and had put our bags away, Eren fell asleep again, dropping his head on my shoulder. Hanji had taken out their camera instantly and took the first photo of our vacations.

“Seriously Levi, how long have you two been awake? Or didn’t you sleep at all”, Erwin asked. His hand laid already connected with Mikes on the table like they had to prove that they could be adorable too. Don’t understand me wrong, I would never call myself adorable. But Eren’s show was and he was cute enough for both of us. The good thing was that I had chosen thicker clothes and not my normal jacket with the spikes on the shoulders. Or Eren would have imprinted them on his face by now.

“Had a rough day… First the talk with the fucker and late at night, he asked me about the pills. He slept for 3 hours or less, I’m not surprised that he’s sleeping again.” I stroked Eren’s hair in what was a pretty uncomfortable-looking position and I heard the click of the camera again. Hanji grinned at me when I flipped them the bird with my free hand.

“So you finally talked about it, I’m proud of you”, Erwin said. I knew he didn’t mean it sarcastic or anything, but remembering Eren’s reaction from last night made me sick.

“Yeah… Good that you’re proud of it, then I don’t have to be. I’m glad that it’s finally over”, I commented in a low voice that I wouldn’t wake up Eren.

“How did Eren’s father react?”, Hanji asked interested, maybe even a bit concerned.

“Like the fucker he is. Wanted to throw me out and didn’t accept Eren’s decisions at all. We left when it became too dumb. Although hadn’t expected Carla to speak up, she told her husband that she wouldn’t let him abandoning Eren. I hope they are getting a divorce.” I didn’t mention that Grisha had known me already since Hanji didn’t know anything about it yet. For them, Eren and I met for the first time at the concert. I would have to tell them, I wasn’t hesitating because I feared their reaction but I wanted the situation to cool down for a bit.

“What about Eren? Will he go back to his home after the vacations?”

I made sure that Eren really was asleep before I answered. “We haven’t talked about it yet. I’m sure he doesn’t want to go back, I think he wants to stay with a friend until everything is solved. I… actually want to propose to him to stay with me but it’s a big step and fuck… I don’t know…”

The three nodded understandingly and we fell into a comfortable silence.

The ride was quite nice. The closer we came to Stohess, the more snow was on both sides of the railway. Eren missed a lot in these 5 hours, he would have enjoyed staring at the landscape like a small child that had never seen snow before. However, Eren decided to sleep the whole ride, he didn’t even wake up to eat or take a piss. Young people had no stamina in staying awake at all. He only shifted once from my shoulder down into my lap, I was sure that he didn’t even noticed it.

The good thing was that Hanji kept making photos, focusing on the landscape… and Eren, and I would have to ask them for the Eren-photos.

“Next stop: Stohess, Main Station. Exit on the left side”, the loudspeaker voice announced. So here we were.

“Eren… hey, Eren… wake up… … oi, Jäger, move your lazy ass!” I had tried to wake him gently, okay? And when I got a bit rougher on him – despite Hanji’s comment that I was mean – he finally woke up.

“Morning… are we in Stohess?”, Eren mumbled, rubbing his eyes but made no move to stand up.

“Yeah, it’s the next stop. So move, we have to get the bags and go to the exit.”

“Oh.. okay”, obviously, Eren was still mentally absent. At least, he moved from my lap and took his bags, then followed us to the exit. The door opened and Eren was suddenly wide awake when the cold hit him.

“Fuck! I thought you were exaggerating when you said it’s cold up here! ”, he whined. I couldn’t help but smirked as he pulled the scarf a bit tighter around his neck.

“Don’t worry Eren!”, Hanji shouted, “The taxi is already waiting and the hotel is warm. Ohohoh, I saw a Christmas fair on the way here, it’s not that far. Can we go there later?”

Eren, who was still shocked by the cold, shrugged with his shoulders. I didn’t even bother to answer since Hanji already knew it. No.

The cold weather had apparently switched Eren’s sleep-mode off, he was sitting in the cab and looked just as excited as Hanji out of the window and was discussing plans for the next days with me and the others. I appreciated the fact that we had quite a few things we could visit and see in the next few days but at most I wanted some time for Eren and me alone. I already missed his closeness from the ride although he was sitting right next to me. I had the urge to touch him, to feel him. Feeling only his presence wasn’t enough right now. I was craving for more.

And when Eren smiled at me, something in his eyes told me that he was experiencing the same.

* * *

 

“Holy shit, Levi! Look at this, you can see the ocean from here”, Eren shouted happily, dropped the bag and the suitcase right at the door in front of my feet and ran to the window.

It was around 3 pm when we reached the hotel. It was at the coast, only something that could be a rocky beach in summer separated the buildings of the hotel and the ocean. After signing up and receiving the keys, all of us went to their respective rooms. Hanji was the only one to get a single room.

The room on the fourth floor wasn’t that large but had a big window with a door to a small balcony, a king sized bed, two armoires, a table with two chairs, and another door that lead to a bathroom. I would have inspected it but I was still standing in the doorway because somebody was too eager.

“Oi, Eren, move your trash out of the way!”

“Yeah… wait”, he mumbled against the window, fascinated by the snowy landscape and the ocean…. Not realizing where he had put his bags…

“I mean it, Jäger. I’m standing in the doorway.” He finally turned around, looked at the bags than at me, babbled an apology as he came back to take them away, hopefully in the armoire, not in front of it.

In front of it.

“Better?”

“Not really but---” I was interrupted by Eren suddenly hugging me and claiming my mouth. I kissed him back, I had wanted to do this all day long but somebody had to sleep the whole time. His tongue swept over my lips, teasing and sweet before it slipped between them. He tasted sweet, sweeter than normally, probably from the goodies he had shared with Hanji in the taxi.

While his tongue was tenderly rubbing against mine, his hands found their way under the open jacket, on my chest, then slit down to my waist and pulled me closer. Eren was addictive and I gladly accepted him, needed more. I tangled my fingers in his hair, bringing him closer to me until we were both short of oxygen.

“How about you let me get into the room first, close the door and clean the bathroom?”, I whispered against Eren’s lips, just a bit away that Eren came closer again until our lips touched when I spoke. With a grin, he pulled at my belt loops until I stood in the room, closed the door with one hand and already leaned down to kiss me again but I put a finger on his lips.

“Bathroom first”, I smirked. Eren whined, tried to get past my finger, without success. I was going to inspect the bathroom and clean it again if necessary, before that nothing else was going to happen.

“You put your clothes in the armoire and I clean the bath, how about that. Didn’t you want to go on the Christmas market with Hanji anyway?” Eren made an annoyed noise again but turned to empty his suitcase anyway.

With a glance down to Eren’s pants, I noticed the bulge that had formed there… I was no better, to be honest. Fuck that Christmas market, I wanted to spend the rest of the holidays in bed with Eren and only come out for food.

I took the cleaning wipes from my bag and disappeared into the bathroom that was high standard just as the rest of the furnishing. Although it didn’t look to bad on the first glance, I decided to wipe the tab and the toilet seat anyway. The thought that it might be not cleaned properly made me sick, so I finished that task as fast as possible. And to get faster back to Eren.

When everything was on my standards and went back to the main room, Eren was sitting on the bed like he was waiting for something.

“Actually… I don’t want to go out of the hotel right now. I told Hanji that I want to go with them but I’d… I’d rather spend the afternoon here”, Eren explained, his eyes were burning a hole into the wall next to my head. The blush on his face gave away that there was more than “spend some time here” on his mind.

“God, you sound like a teenage girl talking to her crush…”I pushed Eren onto the bed and straddled his lap, placing my legs on both sides of his hips on the mattress and my hands next to his head.

“Since you’ve woken up, your eyes tell me that you’re up to something. What exactly do you want”, I purred.

The boy’s mouth opened a few times, looked into my eyes then looked away and finally covered his eyes with his arm before he admitted shyly: “I want to have sex with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 1.30 am, the smut has to wait for one more week.


	24. Dear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren was adorable. More than that: Adorable, cute, sexy, wonderful. And he was mine.
> 
> The blush had spread down under his shirt to his shoulders and I really didn’t know how to handle it. He seemed so innocent although I knew better. Eren could be just as lewd and dominant as me and to be honest, I wouldn’t mind him showing it right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okaay... okaaaay... Dear Ex-Brother has now over 100 000 Words and 100 Subscribtions O.O THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STICKING WITH ME!
> 
> And - oh surprise - explicit-content-warning for the first half.

Eren was adorable. More than that: Adorable, cute, sexy, wonderful. And he was mine.

The blush had spread down under his shirt to his shoulders and I really didn’t know how to handle it. He seemed so innocent although I knew better. Eren could be just as lewd and dominant as me and to be honest, I wouldn’t mind him showing it right now.

“You’re embarrassed? ”, I smirked. Eren lifted his arm to stick out his tongue.

“Shut up… of course I am!” I took the opportunity to take his hand and intertwined our fingers, kissing his knuckles.

“It’s just me, Eren”, I whispered, brushing my lips against his skin. “If there’s anything you don’t like, tell me and I will stop, okay?” I took two of Erens fingers that had been intertwined with mine and put them into my mouth, watching every of his mimic. He was surprised but when I pushed my tongue between them, sucked them and bit down gently, he sunk into the matress, his eyes were closed and his mouth half open.

“Shit, Levi” It didn’t take him long to move his fingers on his own accord, pressing against my tongue or rubbing against my teeth carefully like he trying to figure out how far he was allowed to go. Finally, he let his fingers fall out of my mouth and replaced them with his tongue when he pushed my head down to kiss me.

Eren had gotten better in kissing since he had become my boyfriend. All these make out sessions had taught him so much, especially about my body. He knew how to kiss me, when to suck my tongue or lips, bite down gently or until we both had the taste of copper in our mouth. And all of that eagerly.

He knew how to leave me light-headed, just like now.

I had learned a lot about Eren as well, about the way he kissed and the way he liked to be kissed. He loved it to be teased, it made it impatient, whine when I would pull back in the last second. But the excitement of knowing that something would come, something he would enjoy, that was what he loved.

Our sweaters found the way on the floor, then Eren sat up and we kneeled in front of each other, hand wandered down and up under our shirts.

I knew a lot things about Eren’s body, the sensitive areas that made him moan into my mouth, that made him squeeze his eyes shut and break away to take a stuttered breath. When I caressed his waist, the - even now in winter - tanned stomach and the muscles beneath the skin moved; when I kissed and licked his neck.

Nobody else should ever know all these things about Eren.

There was nothing left of Eren’s previous embarrassment. His hands wandered confidently over the now familiar places, bite down, sucked and scratched his finger over my back, leaving me breathless and painfully hard. My neck would be blue and red later but I didn’t mind. He would take over control, I knew it for sure.

When Eren took of his t-shirt and began to pull on mine impatiently, there was one thing we should not forget.

“Condoms, lube?”, I asked. My mind was already somewhere else. High, high up, it wasn’t easy to think clearly, not with Eren leaving another hickey on my neck and his hands fondling my nipples.

He first took off my shirt before he answered me. “In the drawer of the armoire.” I stood up and kind of stumbled towards the drawer. If we had gone a bit further, my legs would have given up their job completely. There were quickly found and thrown on the bed before I went back but was surprised when Eren was standing next to the bed, waiting for me.

“Come here”, he smiled. When I was in his reach, he rested both hands on my hips, caressed my skin with his thumbs, then let them wander up, over my stomach, chest, down my arms and up again, to my neck and finally cupped my face. I was shivering although it was warm in the room. It the intense but loving glow in Eren’s eyes that made me feel weak, vulnerable and loved.

“I love you so much, Levi”, he whispered, “Feeling you, being with you… I couldn’t be happier”

“Love you, too”, I whispered back, stealing a small peak from his lips – standing on my tiptoes - , “Now, where did we stop before getting the stuff?”

Eren grinned slyly and reached without any forewarning down to my pants, touched the prominent bulge in my pants lightly and made me whimper, then opened the belt, button and fly and was rid of my pants. My knees said good bye and I had to hold myself up on Eren’s arms.

“Remember what you said about us putting Erwin and Mike in their bridal night into shame and me waking up the hotel? How about we accelerate that a bit and you won’t wake up the hotel because it’s too early.”

He pushed me down on the bed with a grin and took of his pants with more show than necessary – what didn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy it. There was no shy boy anymore.

I crawled further onto the bed to make space for Eren who kneeled down between my legs and pulled me into a hungry kiss.

He took his sweet time, stroking the sensitive skin between the tights, coming close to my junk and sometimes let his fingers ghost over my straining cock. The fabric was feeling fucking tight and I wished that Eren would get on with it already. When he finally touched my dick for real, under my underwear, I barely held back a moan and threw my head back into the pillows. Despite my closed eyes, I felt Eren’s grin on me as he began to jerk me off and massage my balls at earnest.

“E-Eren, shit, don’t make me cum now”, I groaned. Eren went slower then but didn’t stop.

When suddenly something heavy banged against the – fortunately – locked door.

“Eeeeren! Leviiii! ”, Hanji screeched and we both tensed despite the locked door. If they wanted, they would find a way to get in here….

“You are in here, I know it!” Well, the chance that we were somewhere else was practically zero. And Eren had said that he would join them.

“Eren’s tired, we don’t come with you”, I shouted, “And goddamnit, I told you not to scream all the time. There are other people.”

“But sweethearts… Eren slept all day, he has to be fit by now!”

Said boy still had his hand on my cock and sighed. “Sorry Hanji, I don’t feel like going away this evening. Ask Mike and Erwin, maybe they have time.”

There was silence on the other side of the door. There was no way that they had gone away and given up that quickly. I let out my breath I had been holding since the bang at the door but I had too fast with my decicion, Hanji was still there.

“We’ve been here for not even one hour, boys! Well, then have fun and play save!”

Eren dropped his head on my stomach and groaned.

“I’m sure the whole floor knows that we’re here now.”

I had to smile, pulled up Eren to kiss him. “Fuck the people on this floor, I don’t care if they know” Eren grinned against my lips as he fondled my balls again, reaching deeper to my ass.

“I’d prefer to fuck you right now.”

He took the lube but before he could get the wrong idea, I stopped him and gave him the pack of condoms, too.

“Put a condom on your fingers, okay?” Eren did as I asked him too, even lubed it up before he inserted his first finger.

It felt strange, it didn’t hurt or sting. Hadn’t had somebody else fingering me for fucking long time. Eren did it carefully, eased his finger in and out slowly before adding a second finger.

“Does it hurt?”, he asked concerned. I shook my head.

“It’s so tight”, Eren mumbled, more to himself than to me, pushing his fingers deeper and finally bending them. He didn’t found the spot inside of me at the first try but this was my Eren, he kept searching for it and when he added a third, last finger, I realized that he didn’t even need to find it to make me feel good. Pumping his fingers in and out, using his thumb to caress the sensitive skin between my legs, scissoring the fingers. Used his other hand to tease my nipples, stroke my cock.

He didn’t give me any time to think, we don’t even have to talk about breathing normally, I was too busy moaning. I loved it.

“How do you want to do it?”, Eren asked. Eren waited patiently and discarded the condom in meantime until l had caught my breath again and cleared my mind to a) answer and b) act.

“Shit, Eren, how did you learn that? You’re a fucking virgin and then that. Don’t grin like that. ” I pushed Eren down on the bed without warning and straddled his hips. Just because Eren would top me, it didn’t mean that I would just lay there and do nothing – although I thought that I might be okay with even that.

Eren moaned and threw his head back just from rubbing our hard cocks together, rocked his hips against mine for more friction.

“Eager, aren’t you?” Eren actually mewled when I licked a long stripe from his chest to his chin. He tasted like sweat and sex and Eren.

“I want to feel you, Levi, please”

I didn’t need more. After I rolled the condom over his length and slicked it up with some more lube, I positioned myself over it. I noticed that Eren looked nervous, so I took his hands in mine and put the other one on my hip.

“You won’t hurt me, if that’s what you’re afraid of. It’s okay”

Then I sank down on Eren’s cock. It stung, not really hurt but this was definitely something else than three of Eren’s slender finger. I went down until it was completely inside, pulsing fucking hot.

“You’re sure that you’re ok, Levi?”, Eren asked, concerned, the hand on my shoulder wandered up to my face to stroke my cheek gently.

“Yeah… I think I am. Hadn’t have something up my ass in some time. Just give me a moment.”

I stayed on his lap for a minute or two, Eren bypassed the time with caressing my body.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine, I think we can move, you ready?” When Eren nodded and had put his hands on my hips again, I lifted myself until only the tip was left inside and then sank down again. The grip on my hips became instantly harder and although he tried to suppress it, Eren moved his hips upwards.

I repeated my action, lifting my hips, thrusting down, loving the feeling of being filled again and again. Eren moaned beneath me, he had put up his knees to thrust his hips up, adding even more force. He hit my sweet spot several times, the feeling filled my whole body with a slight trembling. My Bright Eyes was far from what you would call perfect in his techniques but he made it up completely with the way he did it. Passionately.

When Eren noticed that my legs gave in, Eren stopped me and rolled us over that he was hovering me, still buried inside of me. His face and chest was covered with a thin layer of sweat but so did probably I.

“Hey”, he mumbled with a smile. His green eyes were blown wide and shining, he closed them to kiss me, once, twice before he looked at me and smiled again, “You look so damn sexy like that, I could watch you the whole day.”

“Look who’s talking. How are you doing so far?”

“mhh… wonderful…. It feels so fucking great!” With that, he snapped his hips forward, forcing a moan that I had tried to swallow out of my mouth. “Looks like you’re enjoying it, too.”

“Of course I am. Come on, keep going.”

With both legs around Eren’s waist, he began to thrust his cock inside of me again. The sound of our harsh breathing and the slapping of skin against skin filled the room. It felt different because of the new angle but I wasn’t complaining at all.

I noticed that his thrusts became frantic, faster, he would come soon, with all the teasing and touching, it was hard to stay calm. However, I hadn’t expected him to reach between us while one hand was still next to my head and jerk me off. The coiling feeling in my stomach became instantly tighter, I was getting closer. The feeling of his teeth and tongue along my neck, his hand around my cock and him filling me completely was too much to handle. Just after a few strokes, I came with a breathy moan, pushing Eren’s lips on mine to mute it.

Eren followed just a second later, pushing himself inside to the brim again when he cried out my name in pleasure. He collapsed on top of me, his body was still shuddering in the aftermath.When I had recovered from my high, I combed through the sweaty brown hair until he had come down from his own high. The only noise in the room was our exhausted breathing.

“You’re alright, Bright Eyes?”, I asked since Eren still laid on my chest without moving.

“Yeah… yeah, I’m fine I mean… woah… give me a second”, came the answer and after a few more minutes of recovery, Eren rolled off me after he had pulled out. My sound of prostest was luckily unheard, it felt empty and yeah, Eren’s cock felt nice.

“What about you? Is your leg alright?”

“My hip is fine and I’m fine as well. Maybe a little sore… but more than fine.” I was bad at expressing how happy and content I was feeling now but Eren understood. He rolled on the side, put his – not with cum covered - hand up to my head and turned it to give me a brief kiss.

“But honestly, I want to shower. Join me?” Eren was the kind of person to be all sleepy after sex but I knew him. The chance of showering with me was more promising that staying in bed.

\-------

They knew. I didn’t even think that Hanji had told them but the way Mike sniffed at Eren and me with a satisfied smirk, Hanji’s maniac grin and Erwin’s proud-eyebrow-dad-expression said everything: They knew.

“Don’t even think about it”, I said as I said down before one of them could open their mouth, “I’m here to eat dinner, not to discuss Eren and my life with you.”

“I just wanted to say congratulations”, Hanji whined, “And? How was it?”

Eren became instantly red like a tomato and I had to rub the bridge between my eyes to compensate this.

We had napped in our room until we had received a message from the other three that the buffet had opened and we should come down. Since we hadn’t really eaten anything for lunch, we had to get out of the bed although we both despised it. We had all the time of the world, Eren’s father wouldn’t bother us for at least ten days, and just the feeling of being together without fearing anything was more than I could have expected.

I ignored the shitty smug expression on all three faces that were waiting for a response. Grabbing Eren’s arm and pull him up for a chaste kiss on the cheek (and the “shut up”-glare towards the idiots), then dragged him along to the buffet.

“And what did you guys do before dinner?”, I asked when we came back with our food, hopefully changing the topic to something more appropriate.

“I went to the Christmas Market. Ohhh, we have to go there together. It’s a completely different atmosphere there because of the snow, it’s much more quiet and the people are so nice. I bought a pair of socks for Nanaba!”

“Nanaba?”, Eren asked confused at the unknown name.

“She’s a friend of mine who lives here in Stohess”, Mike explained, “We were thinking about visiting her tomorrow. It’s nice to come home sometimes. Anyways, Erwin and I said hi to my parents today. I hadn’t seen them since last Christmas and they wanted to talk about so many things that we’re lucky to be back in time for dinner.”

“We’ll have to visit them again before the wedding. And I wanted to go with you to the sea, down the beach”, Erwin added.

“Sounds fine to me. I don’t have any plans but don’t expect me to run around in the cold all day long.”

“No plans?”, Hanji asked with their mouth full of what could have been noodles.

“No plans. Although I don’t know if Eren has any.”

Eren shrugged with his shoulders as he thought about it. “Not really. But Armin said that there’s a place where you can get – in his opinion – the best filled chocolates. I want to get him some for Christmas. And I want to go to the sea.”

After we had exchanged all our plans and got a rough outline of when we could go where, we kept talking about minor matters during our meal, and stayed in there until we had to go because they had to clean. We had thought about going out, drink a wine or two to celebrate arriving here and the upcoming wedding, we decided to postpone it to the next day. Eren had been the only one with the change of a nap this noon, meant we were tired.

We wished each other good-night and Hanji hugged us all, then we went back to our rooms. Eren made a beeline to the bed and let himself fall on it. I sat down next to me and gave in to the urge to pet his hair, that was appreciated with a content sound muffled by the matress.

“How does it come that you’re always tired”, I asked Eren who turned on his back and layed his head in my lap.

“I’m not always tired. It’s just late”, he mumbled yawning.

“You slept all morning in the train.”

“The afternoon was… exhausting” Eren grinned sleepily and stretched his body and caused his shirt to ride up, revealing the faint outline of the abs I had caressed and kissed this afternoon. Eren knew exactly what he was doing but I tried to ignore him because thinking of him fucking me among other things we did this afternooon made keeping my mind clear really difficult – apart from the fact that my body was still awake enough to be interested - and Eren was too tired for a second round.

“If you say so. But you’re not going to sleep in your clothes. And brush your teeth.”

“I don’t want to move”

“I’ll carry you to the bathroom if I have to, Jäger.”

“You won’t do it anyway.”

“Tch.” Cheeky brat, he should start thinking twice before he opened his mouth. I stood up and picked up Eren in bridal style to carry him.

“What the fuck, Levi!”, Eren shouted, “warn me next time!”

“Told you so” He didn’t even dare to move or wriggle around, just put his arms around my neck to be sure that he wouldn’t fall or I would drop him unceremonially on the floor. The way to the bathroom wasn’t that far away so I didn’t worry too much about my hip. Just because he had to bend down to kiss me, it didn’t mean that I couldn’t carry him.

When we reached our destination and Eren wasn’t trying to choke me anymore, I let him down.

“I didn’t thought you would ever do it.”, Eren admitted as he made his way to the sink to brush his toes on wobbly feet. I joined him there and we brushed our teeth, Eren with the unsuccessfully attempt to talk while doing so. In the end, he gave up and stayed next to me, one hand busy with the toothbrush, the other one, brushing against my clothes like he didn’t want to lose contact.

When we went back to the bed, I realized that Eyebrows and Four Eyes hadn’t given me my pills for that day. That was the problematic shit about not being at home, I tended to fall out of my daily concept.

“Shit, have to go over to the love birdies, they still have my pills.”, I mumbled, but Eren held me back before I could stand up.

“You don’t have to. Erwin gave me the packets before we left the dining room. He said that it was better if I was taking care of it.”

That was probably one of the last things I wanted to hear. Fucking Erwin always made decisions and plans without involving anyone because he could and sometimes I wondered if he did it to annoy me.

“Levi? It’s okay, really. I would have asked him and you anyway if it wasn’t easier when I take care of your medicine. I mean, I’m around you quite often… and I feel like I’m responsible… I just want you to be okay and without pain so… so…” Eren looked at me with big uncertain eyes as he struggled with his words. I gently pushed him down on the bed and hugged him, hiding my face in his chest. Eren smelled warm and sweet, the smell had become my definition of home in the last few months.

“It’s alright, I understand what you mean. Thank you” Eren wrapped his arms around me.

“Good. I’ll get the pills and then I need sleep.”

\-----

When I woke up the next morning, Eren was spooning me and asleep. It was five or six am after all, I didn’t expect him to stand up before nine. I took the pill and stayed in bed a bit longer, there was nothing to do in the hotel room and I didn’t want to move around in the hotel and maybe meet another grumpy person who woke up before ass crack dawn… just like me. Instead, I enjoyed that Eren was warmer than a fucking heater and produced the body heat that I didn’t have.

I played on my phone and checked some stuff until I stood up, leaving the wonderful heat of naked Eren’s body, and went to take a shower. Eren hadn’t woken up from it, he was still sleeping when I came back but had curled into a ball to keep as much heat as possible. It wasn’t even that cold in the room.

Since I had nothing to do, I put on my slippers and stepped onto the small balcony. Apparently, it had snowed overnight; the railing around it was covered with fresh snow. Luckily, the balcony had a roof, otherwise I would fear that my shoes would get soaked.

The weather was for once good up here at the coast, sunny but nevertheless, it was cold and windy, being here during summer was surely more pleasant. On the other hand, it was nice to see the beach covered in white and the waves crashing onto it. The remaining nine days were enough to explore the coast and the cities.

The door was a bit opened to bring some fresh air into the room, so I heard the ringing of Eren’s phone and turned around and maybe even go back to answer – depending on who called. However, Eren was faster than me who had woken up from the sound. He was looking around in the room until he found me on the balcony, smiled sleepily and waved before he picked up.

“Good morning, Mum! How are you?”, Eren’s muffled voice reached me. Mum apparently said something good because Eren’s worried face changed into a broad smile.

“That’s great! Oh, no no, you didn’t wake us!” Liar.

He stood up to look for some clothes while talking with her about our first day here, sparing the fucking-part. I couldn’t help but admire Eren’s cute butt during his search because that boy had no organization and order at all. Well, I wouldn’t mind him walking around like this although I wasn’t sure if I could keep my hands by myself and it looked like Eren planned on coming outside.

When he had managed to put on underwear, sweatpants and a jacket without even putting down the phone for a second, he joined me on the balcony, giving me a kiss on the cheek and a loving smile.

“Mum, I’m with Levi now, maybe you should tell him the same things you said to me. I’m putting you on speaker, okay?” Carla approved it apparently because Eren took the phone down and held it between us.

“Good morning, Levi. How are you?”

“Fine, it’s cold up here.”

“Take care that you don’t catch a cold”, Mum said, Eren grinned when I rolled my eyes. No, I’m going to run around in a tank top. I better didn’t tell her that her son was only wearing slippers without socks and an open jacket.

“We will. Are you alright?”

“Yes, I am. I’m still staying with the Kirschsteins and Mikasa avoids coming come as well, she stays with some friends at the moment. Oh, Eren, I told you about that boy, Marco, didn’t I? Jean’s Mum told me this morning that he’s actually Jean’s boyfriend. I had expected him to date our Mikasa one day but Marco is such a nice and polite boy.

Anyway, I don’t know when I go home, they told me that I could stay with them as long as I wanted. I tried to talk to Grisha but he’s blocking all the time and still doesn’t accept you two. I’m… I’m thinking about a divorce if it doesn’t get better, I can’t keep going in this situations. That might mean that a lot of things will change for you and Eren. But don’t worry, I will try it again until you come back from Stohess… I hope things get better then…”

“Same to you, don’t worry”, I said, “Eren and I’ve been through worse, I think. Take it one step at a time, Mum. You can do it.”

“Thank you! Oh, Marco’s calling me for breakfast. Have you eaten yet?”

“Not yet, but we’ll soon. I’m hungry”, Eren pouted.

“Okay then, I have to go. Have a nice stay up there! Bye.”

The screen lit up to indicate that the call had been ended.

“You call her “Mum””, Eren asked and I shrugged my shoulders.

“What? I did before so why not.” I hadn’t thought that I would be able to call her Mum again after all. When Grisha had thrown me out, I had been blind with rage and frustration that I never noticed that Carla had done nothing wrong. Nothing good neither. She would have accepted me if she had had the guts to stand up against Grisha. Now, I could make up for it.

“I like it. Good morning, by the way” He hugged me and left a trail of kissed on my neck and jawbone, it made me feel breathless and I closed my eyes as I hugged him back. I loved him so much.

“Seems like the house is still warzone”, Eren mumbled, his voice sounded more frustrated than anything else.

“Mum is trying her best, that asshole can’t keep his position forever”, I tried to console Eren but he shook his head. For another reason than I thought.

“Even if he gives in… I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to live with this forced acceptation, you know? Even… even if she’s getting a divorce… it will take so long until everything settles. I don’t want to live in the middle of the chaos.”

“Hey, Eren…”, I began, tentatively, because maybe it was too early to ask. Maybe Eren had other plans.

“Mhh?”

“We haven’t really talked about this yet but now that the topic is already here… I don’t know what you’re planning after we come back to Trost, since you don’t want to go back to your house… I mean, I would understand if you wanted to stay with friends…”

I had Eren’s full attention now, he drew back to look in my eyes.. what didn’t make it any fucking easier.

“… or look for a apartment for yourself… It would be a big step for you... us… if you… Ahh, shit, I suck at words. Do you want to move in with me?”

Eren opened and closed his mouth for a few times, bit his lower lip and looked away.

“You really mean it? You know how chaotic I can be.”

“That’s your only point? Eren, I’d known you when you were seven and I know you now, you’re not that bad. I love you, Eren, I will have to deal with that”, I answered with a rare smile. I was begging to whatever higher force that he would say yes.

He looked back at me and now, his eyes were shining with the joy of a little kid, bright and wild. My Bright Eyes.

“Then, yes. I want to move in with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, I kind of had a complete wedding planned for this chapter and it ended with nearly 2500 words of smut...  
> So, it's already the second time that I'm wishing you wonderful holidays with your loved ones!   
> See you on the day of New Year's Eve! Two chapters left.


	25. Dear Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boys in love, more Stohess and New Year's Eve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WEEEEEEH! I did it in time! Christmas didn't leave me much time for writing so last minute chapter, I guess.   
> Thank you for all your feedback! Reading your comments always makes me smile and keep me going.

I can’t say if it was the air up in the north, Hanji’s, Erwin’s, Mike’s and Eren’s Christmas spirit that was infectious and I even dared to think about joining their horrible singing at the Christmas market or Eren’s around the clock presence. I was feeling in peace with myself, for once I could forget – or at least ignore – the fucking pain that crept along my leg when I was walking too long and how stupid people on this planet could be.

I wasn’t going to see this optimistically, when we would get back to Trost, it’d be the same shit as before. But I had one thing that wouldn’t disappear after Stohess: Eren was going to move in with me.

Two days after our arrival, Erwin, Mike and I were at the beach, watching Eren and Hanji who were looking for seashells. They were both dangerously close to the water and they had to jump and run closer to the beach a few times already because of the waves. Leave this to the younger ones, we three were too old for this shit. The beach was the last station of our walk today, we had been sightseeing a bit before since Eren had never been here before.

“How are the preparations going?”, I asked. Eyebrows sighed.

“It’s a bit stressful, to be honest. The bureaucracy takes too long for some small things but it should be finished in time. And since we’ve done everything we could for the wedding-preparations, I was thinking about planning Christmas and your birthday. ”

“I told you already that I don’t want to have a party for my birthday. Stuff your birthday-presents into Christmas-paper and that’s it. Sucks to be reminded of my age, okay?”

“What about Eren”, Mike interjected, “Does he want to celebrate it with you?”

Eren apparently found an especially nice stone or shell or rotten fish because he shouted something to Hanji I couldn’t understand and they ran excited towards him. I hoped that they didn’t plan to keep all of the trash they had collected.

“I don’t know. I think he wants to. It’s the first time we’ll celebrate my birthday because he had been sick on that day when I had lived with the Jägers. Maybe we can go to a restaurant, if he wants to. Only with Eren, you have the change to bury me in presents the day before”, I answered. I was only fair to Eren, I guessed.

“You’re sure that Hanji likes your idea?”, Erwin asked with a grin and I just had to smirk.

“Well, you have to distract them until Eren and I have gotten away.”

My adorable idiot and the other idiot that was grinning at us came back from the water with a bag full of… trash.

“There are so many shells! Come on, Erwin, Mike, Levi! Join us!”, Shitty glasses shouted excited.

“Maybe tomorrow, Hanji”, Erwin actually tried to calm them down without any success, “but what about going home? It’s cold and your pants up to the knees are wet.”

Looking down on both of them, Hanji looked worse but Eren’s shoes were probably dripping wet anyway. It was time to bring the kids back home.

Since the hotel wasn’t that far away, we walked back and there were a few small shops on the way we wanted to visit. If I had to decide, I would want us to go home straight away. Eren was going to be sick again on my birthday.

To be honest, I was kind of excited for my birthday this year. Not much, just a bit. It’s nice to celebrate it with my idiots, but with Eren it was something different, he was probably even more excited as me. Even before we had left for Stohess, he had asked me what I wanted for Christmas and my birthday. I had no idea what to wish for, I was happy when Eren would be there. He hadn’t mentioned it afterwards but I think everywhere we went, he had looked out for something. Two more days until the shops would be closed because of holidays, I hoped he wasn’t going to look for them in the last minute.

If he was actually getting something for me.

Because finding something for Eren was more difficult than I had thought. I had the choice between trash and something too cheesy, even for Eren and me.

Back in the hotel, Eren had already started shivering from the cold that was pooling in his boots. Hanji had probably not even noticed yet that theirs shoes and pants were wet from sea water.

“You’re really trying to get sick again, don’t you?”, I commented as opened the door to the balcony to get some fresh air in the rooom. It was always warm in here but it felt like suffocating. We had been away half of the day after all.

“I’m not. It was fun and I’m not a small kid anymore who gets sick more often”, Eren complained as he stripped out of his cold pants.

“Do you have any plans before dinner?” When Eren shook his head, I grabbed his hand and pulled him onto the bed before he could put on his sweatpants. I closed the door, turned up the regulator for the heating and stood next to Eren at the bed.

“You’re exhausted from the walk?”, Eren asked me. He took off his shirt and sweater as well, then slipped under the warm blanket.

“A bit”, I said. I took off my clothes, leaving me only in underwear, and joined him under the blanket. I was instantly enveloped by the warmth of Eren’s arms and body.

“I love you Eren”, I mumbled. Eren smiled as he kissed me tenderly.

“Love you, too.”

I had said that I would love to stay in bed with Eren the whole vacations and until now, I didn’t regret my plans at all.

The bed became our preferred place in the next days. When we had nothing to do, when we were exhausted from sightseeing, when the chairs were too uncomfortable or when one of couldn’t keep his hands by himself. We hadn’t had sex again since the one time at the first day but we knew enough was to keep ourselves entertained.

On Christmas Eve, Hanji invited us to a cozy restaurant they had found on one of their many trips through the small city. Since no one of us wanted to carry all the presents there, we decided that we would have the handing out of presents in Erwin and Mike’s room afterwards. On that evening, two friends who would attend the wedding as well, were with us. Eren blushed the whole time when he was introduced as “Levi’s boyfriend”.

Because of Christmas, the restaurant was packed with people. As much as I enjoyed being with Eren, my idiots and their friends, Nanaba, Eld and Rico, I could never deal with the mass of movements and bodies around me. I was glad that Eren was here, his fingers intertwined and openly showed on the table the whole time. It made it a lot easier for me.

Erwin and Mike were the center of conversation, they hadn’t meet up with their friends in quite some time and the wedding was the main topic, of course. That was totally fine with me. I sucked at social interaction and they knew it, so no problem on both sides.

However, I was quite happy when we said goodbye and we could go back to the hotel.

“Alright guys, get your presents, we’ll meet in ten minutes in Erwin’s and Mike’s room!”, Hanji announced and was off to their room.

We all sighed, then disappeared in our rooms as well.

Eren sat down on the bed and patted on the space next to him.

“You heard Hanji, ten minutes”, I reminded him. He made a disapproving noise and I made the stupid mistake to look in his eyes. Yes, he still got me with that. But I didn’t sat down, I stood in front of him and leaned down to kiss him. It wasn’t exactly what he had expected but there was a wild Hanji waiting for us. Sitting down and maybe getting too close would mean that we would not leave the room for the next few hours.

Eren made another disapproving noise.

“I’d love to, Eren, but we have to go. Later, ok?”, I whispered. There was a light blush on his cheeks and he began to grin.

When we entered their room with two bags of presents, the rest was already there and an open wine bottle sat on the table next to the small mountain of presents.

“Didn’t you just raise a toast in the restaurant”, I asked.

“Come on, Levi, it’s Christmas. This time we even raise our glass to our vacations, not Christmas”, Mike explained with a smug expression. I took a water and a soda out of the small fridge for Eren and me. I couldn’t go for another glass because of my medicine and Eren had had two at the restaurant. So… role model function or some shit like that, Eren had enough.

We took our time for exchanging the presents and it was connected to a lot of hugging. Erwin and Mike got me a box with different types of tea, from Hanji, I recived two concert tickets for the next “The Breached Walls” concert for Eren and me – they had actually tickets for all of us, no idea how they got them all the time – and Eren had bought me a new band shirt of one of my favorite bands.

Then Eren received his presents. The looked so happy all the time like a little child and was thankful for every present. Mike promised him that he would get a tattoo he wanted for free and Erwin bought him some expensive books for school. Hanji had overdone it again. I was guessing that it was some kind of “cute little boy needs lots of presents”-attitude. Socks, a scarf, two bracelets and a pair of fingerless gloves. It was practical so maybe it wasn’t too bad. Better than the time they had given Erwin and me a copious supply of condoms, I mean, they were practical but I Eren would definitely die because of embarrassment.

When everybody had gotten rid of their presents and had received other for it, we called it quits. It was close to midnight already and if I remembered correctly, Eren still had plans.

I had remembered correctly. Eren put my and his presents on the table, then grabbed my shirt to pull me into a kiss. We hadn’t bothered to turn on the light and the movements of Eren’s lips, the soft breathing and the rustle of clothing in the dark made me shiver. It was much more intense than in the light.

“You want to shower first, right?”, Eren mumbled. I nodded. I had to get off the reek of too many people in a too small space, the sweat and the feeling of uncleanness.

“You want to join me?”, I asked as my hands trailed down the plains of the black button-down shirt he was wearing, down to his ass and kept my hands there. Eren looked good in the formal clothes he was wearing for the Christmas dinner earlier.

He closed his eyes and tilted his head back slightly at the touch.

“I’d love to. But can we wait for--”, he looked at the clock on the nightstand, “one more minute? I have a birthday present for you.”

“I was born at three p.m., goddammit.”

“But I can’t wait any longer. See it as late Christmas present if you want to!”, Eren smiled. Idiot.

“Alright, bring it here.” Eren searched through his bag and found the small wrapped gift quickly.

“I’m not sure if it’s not a bit too cheesy but I liked it and well… I hope you like it too and… Happy Birthday, Levi.”

He gave me the small package. While I was removing the ribbon and the paper around it, Eren walked behind me to put his arms around my shoulders, watching me.

I opened the small box inside the paper. There were two leather wristbands with a pendant. Now it was a bit unpractical that the light was still turned off but in the moonlight and by feeling over the metal, I realized that it was a wing, on the second wristband as well. They were probably out of silver and I felt something smooth on top of them.

“They… uh… have a stone in it. A green one and a grey one and I thought that… maybe… you wanted to wear the one with the green and I the grey one… Fuck, I hadn’t thought that it would be that corny…”

“Eren?”

“hmm?”

“I love it. Thank you.”

I probably was close to tears and I really tried not to start crying. That was it. Eren knew what the wings meant to me: Freedom from all the things that hunted me. From the pain I had experienced, getting away from Grisha, my real father, and later my shitty memories and feelings of guilts about Petra. I had gotten away a few times, had been able to fly away but they had pulled me back too often. Flying was hard with only one wing left.

I had a second wing now. I hadn’t thought that I would ever get it. And now I just realized that it wasn’t only me who had to give Eren the wings to break free from his father’s ideas. Eren had given me my missing wing. Not only as a small piece of silver but also in my heart.

“Thank you, Eren.”, I whispered again as he slid the bracelet over my wrist and the other one over his.

* * *

 

Finally, the big day for Erwin and Mike arrived. Luckily, they had decided not to have a White Wedding, because honesly, that would be even too much cliché for these two idiots.

The wedding ceremony took part in a room of a small castle close to Stohess that could be rented for marriages. It had started at 3 pm when the marriage registrar had asked everybody to sit down. Erwin and Mike were both wearing tuxedos, Erwin in black and Mike in dark-blue. Hanji and I had already joked who would be the one to wear a dress. We decided that it would be Erwin. Or Eren, if he had been an option.

We were about 20 people in the room: Erwin’s and Mike’s parents, seven of their friends – I only knew Gunther, Anka and Dita who were Erwin’s friends from Trost and Shiganshina, Hanji, Eren and me. I had met Mike’s friends at the restaurant few days ago, Eld, Nanaba and Rico and somebody I didn’t know. I would probably have to talk to them after the ceremony when we wanted to go to a restaurant. I was glad that there weren’t too many people. I think it was because of Erwin’s position. He wouldn’t keep his marriage to a man a secret but it wasn’t necessary that it had to be plastered all over the front pages of the tabloids.    

The ceremony was held short and painless, the marriage registrar held a speech how the two had met each other, what they should care for in the future, the normal wedding stuff. And ended with a “You may now kiss the groom” and a round of applause.

All congratulations were given to the newlyweds before everybody left the castle to drive to the restaurant. We five were the last ones in the room, probably because Hanji was still hugging Erwin and Mike and was crying as if it was their own wedding.

“You look both so handsome in the suits! And the speech was so lovely”, they smiled.

“Thank you, Hanji. I’m glad it went over so well”, Mike said and looked down to Hanji who was hugging him right now and intertwined his fingers with Erwins. I took the opportunity that four-eyes wasn’t hovering over him, so I went over to him and hugged him.

“Congratulations, Eyebrows. You know, good luck, have fun and so on”, I mumbled. Erwin chuckled.

“Thank you, Levi. And thank you for at least trying to wear something… appropriate.”

I had tried, really. I could have worn the ripped pants and chains and stuff. But hey, I could be nice as well sometimes. Not often but it was marriage of one of my best friends, I make an exception. Eren and I had chosen to wear black button-up shirts. While Eren wore dark jeans, I didn’t really have any “normal” clothes anymore, so black tight pants with studs at its sides it was. As I said, I tried. And I didn’t see why I couldn’t wear a choker. All in all, Eren had figured out the “appropriate clothing” thing much better than I did. Of course I had to wear the new bracelet that was even nicer when I acutally saw it in light. During the ceremony, I hadn’t been able not keep my eyes away from mine and Erens. And from Eren, he looked beautiful today.

After Hanji had finished squeezing Mike to death and dried their tears, I shook his hand. Eren settled for a handshake with both of them.

Eren put his hand on my sleeve when we finally wanted to go down the stairs to the taxi and looked at me with slightly concerned eyes.

“Isn’t it strange for you?”, he asked when we were alone in the room.

“Why strange?”

“I mean, you’re attending the wedding of your ex-boyfriend, don’t you… feel anything?”

I shrugged. “It’s been over for seven or eight years, I don’t have any romantic feelings towards Erwin, if that’s what you mean. Tch, you’re worrying again, aren’t you?”

I kissed him on the cheek and on his lips, then put one of my hand on his heart. “Eren, if you’re worrying that I could love somebody else, throw that shit away. I love you, okay?”

“Mhh, okay”, Eren mumbled.

“Levi, Eren! We’re waiting for you! Or are you already planning your wedding”, Erwin shouted and I heard Hanji’s giggle.

* * *

[16:45] horseface: Do you guys have any plans for New Year’s Eve  
[16:52] ymir: super early planning, it’s 29th December you ass  
[16:52] horseface: I know which date we have thank you. So do you have time?  
[16:54] potatogirl: is there free food? Then Connie and I will come!  
[16:57] freckled jesus: There’s free food ^^. Jean and I are planning a New Year’s Eve party at his home and it would be great if you could be there. I mean, you don’t have to if you have already other plans or don’t want to…   
[17:00] reiner: Sounds like a plan! Bertholdt and I are in.  
[17:00] potatogirl: Free food! Count me and Connie in!   
[17:03] christa: Sorry, Ymir and I already have other plans.  
[17:08] Hanji: Eren, Levi and I will come to \\(^w^)/ I bring fireworks!  
[17:20] Levi <3: Oi, four-eyes, don’t say we will come before you even asked!   
[17:21] horeseface: you know what? Just show up at my home around eight on New Year’s Eve

 

Ponyboy’s house was huge. His parents must have jobs with very high income or they are lucky heirs. Or both. I wouldn’t even be surprised to find an indoor swimming pool somewhere although it had to be a small one.

We had come home from Stohess just yesterday evening, the time had been barely enough to throw all the clothes in the washing machine and at least try to get some tidiness. Eren had had to hold me back from cleaning the whole apartment because it’s been ten days I hadn’t been there, it even looked dirty. Hanji, Erwin and Mike had come with us back but the newlyweds were already off to New York for their honeymoon. Lucky bastards.

And now Eren and me were standing in front of that big ass house. It was probably a good thing that the house was standing alone, this was actually a nice place for parties. If you were a party-person.

“It won’t be that bad”, Eren reassured me. Many kids, much noise, yeah sure, wouldn’t be that bad…

“Is Mum here tonight?”, I asked. Although nearly two weeks had passed since Eren had had his come out to his father and all that discussion had happened, she was still living with the Kirschsteins. Eren shook his head.

“She and Jean’s mother are at another party.” I had hoped to see her tonight just to be sure that she’s alright, now that had to wait until tomorrow. We had talked to her a few times over phone and she seemed to be okay.

“How did Jean’s parents get a house like this, Eren?”

“Not his parents, his mother. They are divorced for 17 years. And she’s a doctor like her father and they both made enough money for this, apparently”, Eren explained with a shrug of his shoulders, then rang the doorbell.

“Levi, Eren! Nice to see you!”, a brightly smiling Marco opened the door. Two… things stuck to his leg and I identified them as Connie and Sasha who were looking up to Marco like two chicks that wanted to be feed by their parents.

Marco hugged us somehow without stepping on Connie and Sasha and then shuffled out of the way to let us in.

“Marcoooo… you said here would be free food”, Sasha whined as we walked past.

“Yes, just wait maybe five minutes? Reiner and Bertholdt are still in the kitchen”

“I’m starving”, both whined but Marco ignored them this time. As much as you could ignore the weight of two 17-year-old teenagers.

In the living room, the source of booming music stood next to a big table with drinks and some space for food. They had scattered mattresses on the floor and the room was already crowded with teenagers. There were a few familiar faces I remembered from the bonfire and that one time at the café, but I realized that there were too many strangers for me.

4 more hours until New Year, that I would have survived this.

“Eren!”, somebody shouted and Mikasa and Armin ran over to us. Eren pulled both of them into a hug with a grin, carefully to not spill their drinks.

“Hey, how have you been, how was Christmas?”

“We’ve been fine! Mikasa celebrated Christmas with me and grandpa. The rest of the time, the usual holiday stuff. I got a new game, we have to play it some time! But tell us, how was Stohess?”

“It was awesome! It’s such a nice city and so much snow! Let me get some drinks for us and I’ll tell you. ”

While Eren was at the table to find something that wasn’t pure alcohol, Mikasa, Armin and I looked for a free mattress where we sat down. Eren came back with a cup of water for me and a cocktail for him, then started to tell Mikasa and Armin everything. At some moment, I put my arm around his waist and Eren dropped his head on my shoulder, snuggling closer as he kept talking about the sea. Armin was fascinated by Eren’s story and asked a lot of questions neither Eren nor I could answer.

Mikasa eyed Eren from top to bottom and glared in my direction from time to time like she wanted to make sure that I hadn’t done anything to her brother. I was glad that the collar of the shirt he was wearing this evening was tight enough to not show the hickey I had left there two days ago. She would have probably fucking killed me if she knew.

The four hours went over fairly quickly. Some other friends had joined us, including Hanji. Reiner and Bertholdt had been thrown out of the kitchen because of reasons. Involving a scream from Jean, a headshake from Marco and a smug grin from Reiner.

Shortly before it was twelve, Jean brought sparkling wine and when everyone had a glass, we went in the garden where Hanji had already installed way too much fireworks.

“Another year nearly over”, Eren muttered as he nudged my cheek with his nose, “I will never forget this year because of you.”

“Just because you want a New Year’s kiss, you don’t have to get all cheesy” Eren was right, after all. I wouldn’t forget this year neither. The last four months had been crazy and things happened way too quickly. I didn’t regret any of them. I had Eren again, in a new way as my boyfriend and he was just as important to me as before.

“I’m not cheesy, it’s the truth. I love you Levi. I will always love you.”

“Now you’re cheesy.”

“Oh shut up.”

“Nah…”

“Three!”, everyone else shouted. The first fireworks in the neighborhood were already lit.

I took Eren’s right hand and turned his head to me with the other one before I took his left hand, too.

“Two!”

“I love you Eren.”

“One!”

“I love you, too.”

“ZERO!”

“Happy New Year, my love”, Eren whispered smiling then kissed me sweetly while the people around us were cheering and the fireworks were lightening up the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter left, the epiloge "Dear Future"!
> 
> Have an awesome New Year's Eve and Happy New Year!


	26. Dear Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the future brings.

“Thank you for your invitation to this meeting, Miss Langner”, Eren said as he walked into the office of the kindergarten in Trost.

“Please sit down, Mr. Jäger”, the woman said with a smile as she eyed Eren. Although Levi had joked that he should wear the mismatched pants and the jeans vest, he was wearing a suit for the job interview. He had only dared to put on a bit of eyeliner since he knew that it looked good.

“We looked through your motivation letter and it looks good so far. I have a few questions for you. Why do you want to become a kindergartener?”

“I’m good with children, I was babysitting for friends of my parents when I was younger and I never heard any complaints. I really liked to take care of the kids and think of ways to entertain them, so that’s why I want to become a kindergartener. And I don’t mind taking responsibilities.” He had talked about all these things with Levi, who hadn’t much know-how about interviews and the last one had been quite a while ago, but he had tried to help Eren to find good arguments.

“Sounds good”, said Miss Langner, “Another question: What do you think is important for the children to be taught in a kindergarten?”

“A lot of tolerance. I think this is even getting more and more important. And of course behavior, pre-school knowledge, creativity, things like this.”

The director of the kindergarten asked Eren a few more questions, let Eren ask a few things he wanted to know and finally, Eren left the building with an confidently smile, running straight in the arms of Levi, who had been waiting there during the talk. All the tension fell off Eren’s shoulders as he inhaled the soothing smell of his boyfriend. Another interview was waiting for him next week but he had set all his hope on this kindergarten.

Now they had to wait.

* * *

“Fuck, Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi!”, Eren moaned as he came, clawing his fingers into the skin of Levi’s hips. He was squeezing him impossible tight that it only took one more deep thrust until Levi came as well and sank down on Eren’s sweaty but incredibly warm chest because his arms didn't hold him any longer.

They hadn’t even been home for ten minutes when it had happened and the bedroom had been to far away. Their clothes were now scattered around the couch where the two still laid, breathing heavily.

Levi would have loved to stay there longer - Eren’s beating heart was comforting and made him tired – but the feeling of sticky cum on his skin was too disgusting. He kissed Eren passionately as he stood up to get a wash cloth from the bathroom. The younger man had learned that it was no use to complain about the loss of Levi’s heat because he would stand up anyway, so he just kept laying there until Levi came back.

“You’re okay?”, Levi asked. Eren nodded enthusiastically with a grin.

“I’m more than fine. Should get a confirmation that they take me for the kindergartener apprenticeship more often if that’s the reward.”

“Don’t get cocky. Or do you want to say that our usual sex isn’t just as amazing?”, Levi asked smirking, one eyebrow raised.

“Celebration sex is the best, you can’t deny that. Not after your birthday, New Year’s Eve and today”, Eren successfully stopped the flying cloth from hitting his face. His boyfriend stood next to the sofa – already cleaned up – and waited until all white fluids were wiped to straddle Eren’s lap again and put his head on his chest.

“Any plans for the rest of the evening?”

“Well, dinner. And have to do some stuff for school, things are becoming serious. Finals are in three months and I already have the feeling that I’ll fuck up” Eren stared up to the ceiling as he combed through Levi’s hair. Keeping up with school had become difficult in the last months, it was way too much for such a short time. Thankfully, Mikasa and Armin did their best to support Eren. Though Mikasa had told him that moving in with Levi might be a reason why he wasn’t learning that much, Eren never even regretted it once. In contrary, it had only made it easier: He could spend more time with his friends and still knew that he would have Levi for the whole evening and the night. And sometimes, when he had to study a lot, they sat together in the Living room, Levi complaining about how stupid the exercises were while Eren enjoyed his presence.

“At least you have stable plans for after school, don’t worry too much, Jäger. Even I managed it. Anyway, you should call Mikasa and Mum to tell them about the letter of confirmation”

“Mhmh, later when I’m rested. It’s been exhausting”

“If you say so. Am I too heavy?”

“No it’s fine. Wake me in an hour”

“Whatever, you lazy ass”

* * *

“You still have to explain to my why all the napkins are rainbow-colored”, Levi asked curiously. While the rest of the hall they had rented for the graduation ceremony had the color of Eren’s school, the napkins were bright and colorful. Although when he thought of Eren’s classmates, it wasn’t that odd anymore.

Eren sighed, took one of the napkins and began to fold it to a ship. “Is it enough if I tell you that Ymir, Christa and Reiner were responsible for the decoration?”

“Yeah… I can figure out the rest by myself.”

Eren and his classmates already had received their certificates, now only the best ones of the year were getting some extra prices, while the others waited for the prom that came after the official ceremony. The headmaster was still trying to get everyone’s attention but failed.

Eren’s whole family was here: Carla had sat down at another table with some parents after the first part of the ceremony, she didn’t want to bother the graduation students who had all gathered at one side of the room, Eren’s lunch-table-group at one table, of course. With them were all the friends that were invited although they were no students, like Mikasa, Marco and Levi who belonged to them anyway.

Grisha was standing in the back of the hall, he hadn’t gone to Eren to congratulate him yet. It might be because Levi and Mikasa were glaring daggers at him since they had noticed him. Although four months had passed since Eren’s come-out, things still weren’t great. Eren had managed to do his finals anyway.

“… now that we’ve finished that”, the headmaster continued and finally gained some attention, “I’m happy to declare the dance floor open!”

Ymir was the first one to storm off to the separated part of the hall when the slow dance music started. Everyone knew that the freckled girl hated to dance but she’d do anything for her girlfriend – and she loved to dance. The dancefloor where the decoration group had created a master piece with flowers and garlands was the best place to show of Christa’s dress that made her look like a princess.

However, there was another dancing couple that awakened attention: Armin invited Annie from the café out of the blue and everyone was even more surprised when they were one of the first couples on the dancefloor.

Jean had invited Marco who had changed from black and silver, belts and buckles to simple black pants and a white button-up which was an unusual sight for all of them. Levi knew Marco for years now but had never seen him in in this simple style of elegant clothing. The eyepatch and the glove didn’t leave him though.

Mikasa nodded towards Eren and he nodded back, then stood up and reached out to Levi with a light blush on his face. He had seen him in his “formal wear” at Erwin’s wedding before but Eren believed that tonight, he was looking even more handsome. When he had told this Levi, had rolled his eyes and explained that it was only because of the adrenaline.

“May I have this dance?”, the boy sked with a sweet smile. Levi rolled his eyes.

“Do I look like I dance?”, he snorted.

“I asked Erwin. I know that you can dance”, Eren gave back and the smile changed into a smirk. The dark green eyes persuaded him. He took the outstretched hand and Eren pulled him up.

“One dance.”

“One dance.”

They would dance more than one dance and Levi was even able to teach his boyfriend a bit.

* * *

Eren woke up from harsh breathing and pained noises. It was dark outside, and since it was the middle of summer, it had to be around two or three in the morning.

“Levi?”, he asked into the dark. There was no answer but the noises suddenly sounded muted.

“Levi?” He turned to the other side to see the space where Levi used to sleep empty. Since summer had begun, Eren wasn’t allowed to cuddle at night because of the heat and the sweat that disgusted Levi.

Eren’s eyes slowly got used to the darkness and he saw a figure crouched next to the bed on the floor. He instantly crawled off the bed and kneeled down next to Levi.

“What’s going on? What happened, Levi?”, he asked in panic. Levi hadn’t even noticed that Eren had sat down next to him and was now staring at the brown-haired boy. His skin was covered in sweat and blood dripped down from his lip where he had bitten down.

“It’s nothing, Eren. It will be over soon”, Levi mumbled, not daring to look in the green eyes.

“Like hell this is nothing! You’re in serious pain! What is going on!?”, Eren shouted, putting both his hands on Levi’s shoulders, “Let me help you.”

Levi huffed and made another pained sound when he pressed his head against the bed. “Fucking leg and hips. It happens time to time. Just… just let it happen.” However, it had gotten more recent, Levi thought. He would ask Eren for a painkiller but he knew that they wouldn’t start working before this was over. It was the first time that he had been surprised by Eren and although he had known that Eren would notice one day, he had tried to suppress it again.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“No… no not really…” The pain already became less although it still felt like somebody was stabbing in connection between hip and leg with a knife. All he could do was to wait, to ignore the pain like he always did and concentrate on Eren’s warm body close to him and his low voice.

“I’m here, Levi. I’m here.”

He couldn’t say how long they had stayed next to the bed on the cold floor but Levi guessed that it had been about one hour until the pain had eased off and he could feel his leg again.

“Come on Eren, we’ve been up too long”, Levi whispered, his voice still horase. He acted like nothing had happened because he didn’t want to discuss it now. It was over anyway.

“Alright.” Eren helped his boyfriend to stand up and get back on the bed. Despite the heat and the sweat he would feel in the morning, Levi nestled against Eren’s chest. He had never felt so cared for and so secure before. Even the pain seemed to be weaker when Eren was around.

He couldn’t put it in words how much he loved Eren.

* * *

“Mister Levi!”, the red-haired girl shouted with a big smile when she saw Levi at the entrance of the kindergarten. As soon as he was inside the building, the girl stood proudly in front of him. Eren had told her not to hug him because he didn’t like something like that.

“Hey Isabel, how are you?”, Levi asked. Isabel was a small whirlwind with too much power for a five year old. She reminded him a lot of Eren when he had been six years old. And for some reason, she had found a liking in greeting him.

“I’m fine! I was drawing a bird today, I have to show it to you! Are you here to pick up Eren?”, she asked, looking what kind of clothes Levi was wearing today.

“Yeah, we will go to a restaurant later, so he can’t stay here until you go home. Do you know where he is?”

“Only if I can wear your jacket!”, Isabel shouted, her big green eyes glistering with expectation. She didn’t stop jumping around until Levi had taken off the jeans jacket with black studs at the shoulders and a belt around the waist and given it to her.

She put it on with enthusiasm – it was too big for her but at least it didn’t touch the floor – then ran off to one of the rooms. “Follow me! Eren’s there!”

Levi followed her slowly. After another three incidents in the middle of the night with strong pain, he had gone to a doctor – for Eren – and had now to use a crutch when he knew he had to walk a lot to release the fucked up part of his hips from the weight. He hated them but at least the strong pain became less.

“Eren! Mister Levi is here!”, Isabel shouted into the room. Levi opened to door completely to see Eren sitting in a circle with about ten children and read something to them. One of them had fallen asleep and rested his head in Eren’s lap. When he noticed Levi, he smiled at him, put his finger on his lips to tell Isabel that she shouldn’t shout here and continued reading.

Levi sat down on a free chair outside the circle to watch Eren until he had finished. It was kind of strange for him, he had met Eren when he was only 6, had read to him too and cared for him and now, Eren was nineteen and had finished his first year as trainee for becoming a kindergartener, taking care of the little brats. Eren had grown up so much.

“… and they lived happily ever after”, Eren finished Cinderella.

“Another one!”, one of the kids requested but Eren shook his head, while he poked the arm of the boy who was sleeping to wake him up.

“Next week. I have to go now and I won’t come tomorrow”, he explained and the kiddies started whining instantly.

“Why? It’s too early!”

“Eren and I go to a restaurant this evening and because it will take so long, he has to sleep tomorrow”, Levi explained. Little children always had so many questions, couldn’t they just accept the fact.

“But why? Restaurants are so boring”, the boy who had woken up asked curiously.

“Yes, it is boring for kids, I know. But today is a special day for Levi and me, we met two years ago at this day and we want to celebrate that.” A mumble of “ohh” and “ahh” came from a few of them but they didn’t question it further. Luckily. Eren had told a few of the kids that Levi was his partner and they had all accepted it without asking the questions adults would have. However, the problem was the parents and after half an year, he had had already a discussion with a parent about how inappropriate this would be for a kindergartener. Mrs Langner had been on his side; otherwise that would have ended worse.

“See you on Monday, everyone. If I find a nice story at the weekend, I’ll read it to you.” The children cheered, then quickly went to other rooms or played with the toys around them.

Eren stood up and walked to Levi, he thought a short moment about giving him a kiss but because Isabel was watching them closely, he didn’t. He had been waiting for this day so long and had been excited all day, he had even made breakfast for Levi. The evening would become wonderful. Today two years ago, he had met Levi on a concert for the first time. Again.

“Isabel, you have to give Levi his jacket. We really have to go.” She gave it back reluctantly but smiled. “Please have fun!”

They left the building after Eren had picked up his bag from the staff room and went to Levi’s car.

“You know, the kid was right. Restaurant sounds boring and conventional”, Levi mentioned on the way. Eren raised an eyebrow and looked at him confused.

“But you said you booked a table and you wanted that… hey Levi! What do you mean? Answer me?” Levi didn’t answer but opened the car door, shoved the crutch on the backseat and sat down. From here, Eren couldn’t see his smirk.

“First you say this and now you won’t answer, what the fu--- oh!”, Eren had opened the door of the passenger side and saw the two pieces of paper on the seat. “Are these… concert tickets?”

“Yes, for this evening, 8 p.m. in Rose. Thought you might prefer that to restaurant.”

Eren’s eyes were shining with happiness and his smile brightened. This meant so much for him. Two years ago. Another band and another place but a concert again. “It’s perfect. You’re perfect. Oh god I love you”, Eren rambled with laughers, leaning over to put a hand on Levi’s cheek and kissed him.

* * *

“What do you mean you have no idea where you put the gift?”, Levi shouted while he was looking through the cabinets.

“That I don’t know where I put it”, came back from the bathroom, “Have you looked on my desk?”

“You mean the pile of trash at the window?” Levi’s patience was running low. It wasn’t Eren’s fault, they had fallen asleep after making out on the couch and both hadn’t set an alarm. They had had five hours to get ready, they wouldn’t sleep that long, they had thought. And that had been a mistake.

“It’s called “desk”. Yes, there.”, Eren came out of the bathroom while he dried his hair with a towel, only wearing black trousers. They had the gift for their Mum somewhere, he knew it, they had bought it three weeks ago but he had no idea where he had put it when they had gotten home.

“Go back in the bathroom and get ready, I’ll look. You’re distracting me like that”, Levi complained. Freshly showered Eren with dripping wet hair had always been a soft spot for him but since Eren had started to work out, with the smooth abs and the sun-kissed skin he had over the whole year, Levi had to work hard to keep his hands by himself. And Eren had grown a bit. “A bit” was an understatement, Levi was aware of that but Levi was 31 and that stupid boy was 21, and was 17cm taller.

“Found it, it was under the box of chamomile tea. Why the fuck is it here and not in the kitchen?” Yes, the week of cool chamomile tea – also known as “Eren got his tongue piercing”-week. Eren had whined all the week that he would never get another piercing because this was hell and Levi had given up to explain him that it only hurt in the beginning. He had gotten a new ear piercing two weeks later, so that resolution had been forgotten very quickly.

“Probably forgot it there?”, Eren guessed with a smirk. He was finally wearing a shirt and his hair wasn’t soaked anymore.

“Chaotic brat”, Levi mumbled, only with a very weak hint of annoyance because Eren had come closer to kiss him. Their tongues intertwined as they deepened their kiss, the silver ball of the tongue piercing clicking against Levi’s teeth.

“But you love me anyway”, He whispered, “Do we have to go?”

Carla had moved out and rented a small apartment in Trost. She had tried to stay with her husband but it hadn’t worked out at all. Homophobic slurs whenever Grisha had been at home, he acted like it was her fault that Eren was gay. She couldn’t stand it and with the help of a few friends and the rest of her family, she moved out. Although Carla was still married to him - even after over 2 years had passed - , she had come to understand that it wasn’t possible for her to life with the person who didn’t accept her two sons. But she was happy now.

“It’s Mum’s birthday, I think yes, we have to. Don’t act like a child.”

“Alright, alright. Then let’s go, Mikasa is probably already wondering where we are.”

* * *

“Eren!!! Nice to see you, my sweetheart”, Hanji shouted and nearly jumped over the counter when Eren came into the café.

“Hi Hanji. Is Levi somewhere around?”, Eren asked breathlessly, Hanji squeezed all air out of his lungs in their euphoric hug.

“I don’t know, maybe on the toilet? But let me look at you, I haven’t seen you in ages!”

“It’s been one month…” Work had been stressful. Eren was a kindergartener for 2 years now after the apprentice ship, still at the same kindergarten. The summer festival was just a week away and they had been planning around the clock and it all became wonderfully difficult when Ilse, Mrs Langner, became ill and couldn’t help at all.

Hanji tugged at Eren’s collar, revealing two gray balls at each of his collarbones. “Ohh, you’re having matching piercings to Levi’s green ones! You’re so cute. Grumpy had told me that you had gotten them some time ago. They suit you!” Eren hadn’t even noticed that they were having “matching piercings”, the blue-gray ones were his favorites and he knew that Levi liked his green ones.

“You were looking at Levi’s collarbones this morning?”, Eren asked although that was unnecessary. If Hanji wanted to know something, they would find it out.

“Science, my lovely Eren! Honestly, you two are too cute to be true! I never thought that my midget could even act like that! How long have you been together?”

“It’s our sixth year”, Eren said with a shy smile. It was surreal that already that much time had passed in between. And they were still loving each other. Hell, Eren was sure the fell in love with this man more and more with every passing day. They still lived in the small apartment; it was big enough for them. And now he was already 22. There had been moments before he had met Levi when he had thought that he wouldn’t made it this far. And from what Levi told him, there had been more than one moment when Levi had been close to not making it. But they were here.

“You know”, Hanji began with a smirk, “You’re wearing matching bracelets, have matching tattoos, even have piercings with the color of each other eyes. I’m missing the rings here.”

At that, Eren blushed furiously, opening his mouth a few times before closing it and putting his finger on his lips, fearing that Levi could hear them. Hanji tilted their head to the side questioning. When Eren pulled a small box from the pocket of his hoodie and let it disappear in there just as fast, Hanji pressed their hands on their mouth to mute the piercing scream that was likely to follow.

Right then, Levi came back from the bathroom.

“Hey Eren”, Levi said with a small smile. He was smiling more than before, nearly everyone who knew Levi for more than ten years noticed that. He always denied it but he wasn’t even sure himself.

“Hi”, Eren answered intelligently. He tried to keep himself together but he was nervous. Very nervous. More nervous than before all the things he had experienced. He had the plan. And there was no way this could go wrong, right?

“You’re alright, Eren? You look like shit.” Probably because he had been thinking about this for the whole day. Even the kids had noticed that he was spacing out.

“I’m fine.”

“Alright my lovely humans. I have to get some things from… from the post! Right now. See you later!”, Hanji chirped and was out of the café. Eren wanted the floor to swallow him whole. This was not unremarkable at all. Levi was more than confused, and he noticed that something was different. Even on their best days, Hanji didn’t act like that.

“So… looks like we’re alone”, Eren mumbled. There were no customers right now.

Eren decided that this was the right moment.

“What about having coffee and tea and sit down there. You don’t have anything to do, don’t you?” Levi shook his head and while Eren sat down and tried to collect himself, Levi made a coffee with milk and sugar and a black tea for himself.

Eren took the small box from the hoodie pocket and kept it in his left hand. Levi came back with the two cups, sat down and looked sternly at Eren.

“Alright, what’s going on? The last time you and Hanji did that I ended up joining a road trip with you, Erwin and Mike. What is it this time?”, Levi sighed.

“Something different”, Eren croaked. He was not sure if he was going to survive this. He had known that this would be hard but nobody mentioned that one’s heart would beat somewhere up in the throat.

“Something different?” Levi didn’t know what to do with the situation. This was… strange.

“Yeah, something different.”

With one hand, he opened the box under the table.

Eren reached over the table to intertwine the fingers of his right hand with Levis. They were trembling a bit.

“I… I love you, Levi. I love you so much. And the last six years were the most beautiful years in my whole life. A-And I never want to leave you. I want to be with you, to be able to love you until the very end. I hope you feel the same for me. So…”

He put his hand with the open box on the table for Levi to see it. It was a silver ring, just one single small diamond embedded into the metal.

“Will you marry me?”

Levi’s eyes became wide, he looked from the ring to Eren’s face. But then, Eren hadn’t expected the smirk that played on Levi’s lips.

“Took you long enough, Jäger. Of course I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *takes a deep breath* That's it. I did it, we did it. Dear Ex-Brother is over.   
> To be honest, I would have loved to write everything I had packed into the epiloge in complete chapters but then I would never finish this. Over one year... holy shit, I didn't plan on writing so much and so long (... I hadn't even planned the end in the beginning...).   
> THANK YOU! Thank you so much for reading this, for writing comments, kudos, bookmarks, everything! This is my first long fanfiction that I have finished. Thanks to you! Reading and re-reading your comments kept me writing.   
> I HAVE PLANS for a bunch of other fics, there are currently the first pages for a eruren and ideas for a erejeanmarco story. It would be awesome to see some of you again when I start uploading them.  
> And... about the Jeanmarco part: I had planned far more jeanmarco for this fic when I had started but I never had the place. So probably, I'll write an extra piece to explain Marco's glove and eyepatch and what had happened at Jean's house. 
> 
> Yeah... that's it.  
> Thank you again!  
> (and feel free to say hi on tumblr: flamerebel.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi out there! This is my first fanfic for Attack on Titan. Just something I should mention so you won't be confused: It's Ereri-centric with Levis or Eren's POV except for chapter two which will be JeanMarco and Jean's POV. 
> 
> I don't own Attack on Titan or its characters. English's not my first language, I'm sorry for every mistake!
> 
> If anyone's interested you can find me on Tumblr: flamerebel.tumblr.com
> 
> I hope you like it ^w^ ~ FlameRebel/Winter_of_Tomorrow


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